Enough is Enough

[michelle79]

wow bean that is such a wonderful and powerful poem and so much thought has gone into it. Well done for writing that and well done for not harming. Be proud of yourself - i am proud of you hun.

Shell xxx

[cheshire]

Hi Bean,

I hope you do'nt mind me replying - your poem is just so heartfelt and I could feel the emotion. I could also identify with some of what you wrote.

Keep up the fight, you will winx

Hopefulxxx

[bean]

Thanks for your comments, just me writing down what is going on in my head, mostly when I go to bed. Dont know if I will win, but got to keep trying. Feel like shit today, last week started first period since having martha 9 months ago, started again quite heavy yesterday, feel like ripping skin off.
Saw my psych nurse thursday, had a right rant at him, asked him for copy of minutes of meeting last week, he said hed send them but Ive not got to get upset or take things the wrong way, I have to ring him if I feel like this, im now wondering what was actually said.
Had big urge last night and today I feel like im in a constant battle with my head, wanting to do it but not at the same time cause I know the good feeling wont last, then the guilt sets in and the secrecy, so why does it feel so good when I do it - it wasnt like that at first, everyone is right it is such an addiction that everyone hates but cant shut out.
On my second glass of rose, going to try and chill out and STOP THINKING!!!!!!!!!!!
I hate being in my head.

[bean]

Feel strange. Had disturbing dreams last night about whats been happening lately with R. Woke up feeling like I need to punish. I know Im a bitch but I also know it cant all be me (just mostly).
Lovely sunny day but I feel cold inside. Feeling v anxious cause hectic day, will be ok Im sure but we're at nephews 13th birthday party later at same place as my Dads and Im just thinking about what happened after that one. Ill just have to try to bite my tongue if he starts. (thinking about it I think its me who starts it).
Ive resisted harming now for couple of weeks I think (seriously anyway) and I was laid in bed last night thinking I can do it, I dont have to harm, it serves no purpose - now the feeling is back with a vengeance, feel sooooo guilty, its our anniversary tomorrow (12 years) and R is really trying to make an effort, thats why I feel guilty. I know I cant harm which is probably why its so difficult to resist. Got some ironing to do, I know not the answer but quick burn might work.
When I talk like this I hate it but Im just trying to be honest with myself about what Im really thinking cause until Im honest with myself its not gonna work.
Spoke to my bezzy mate last night, really missed her but cant see her cause live out of town, need to arrange night to catch up with big hugs and confessions. I cant speak to her properly on phone so we're doing our best to sort out date. I love her so much and I know she'll understand when I explain whats been happening (WG - you understood in chat so I know she will) and also why the need for punishment.
Anyway need to get my arse in gear, got pressies to wrap cause joe at party this morning too, wash hair and try not to look like something out of the day of the living dead. Got massive pot belly from period - not good but at least it came, better that than more patters of tiny feet - now that would be the last straw.

[bean]

Well that didnt work, head spinning, need to feel more pain (better than feeling nothing at all). f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k

[monica]

Hi

Sorry you feel pants. It probably is linked to your period - the first one can be awful physically and emotionally.

Have you tried going for a walk, swim or a run so you can burn off the frustration in that way. You could really push yourself physically and that can be painful. Sorry if you've mentioned you have a physical reason why you couldn't do this - my memory is to pot at the minute.

Hoep you can organise a night out wiht your best friend. It'd do you good.

do you have anything plannedwith R for your anniversay. Maybe just a meal at home both of you making an effort can be nice.

Enjoy your party

Love

Monica

[cheshire]

Bean,

Have PMed you

Thinking of you xxxx

[winegirl]

Hi Bean

I havent been on for a couple of days so have missed what has been hapening with you. You dont sound good and am worried about you. How has today been?

You are right, your mate WILL understand and it will do you good to have someone who you can even just call in a time of desperation for a distraction. Love and support wil get you through this x

You ok tonight? Here if you need to talk xx

Love

WG xx

[bean]

Im not happy! If ever Ive felt like a total nut case and mental f**k up it is now. Apparently Im self harming for attention, demanding on support service but "no worries about my parenting and my house is well kept". Me using this site is "a concern". I dont know what to think, I dont think they realise just how much this site has helped me and all the lovely people here are so supportive, I have stopped myself from self harming lots of times by coming here and getting lots of good advice, support, and friendship.
Ive decided to stand on my own, I will keep seeing my cpn and Therapist but all the other support I have relied upon over the last few months is looking quite "two faced", the support workers are lovely and have helped me but now I think Ive been checked up on and feel like a total inferior, so I will not be asking for any more help from them. My shrink asked everyone if I self harm in front of my children - they said I dont but Id already told her this, doesnt she believe me? I feel like I cant win cause Im being told to contact these people for help but this is what Ive done - if they cant cope with me then Ill just f**k off.
I dont know if Ill come back on ths site caues I dont want to do anyone else's head in, Im just a pain to everyone I come into contact with, I just wish they'd have told me this before. Why was I not present when thet were saying all of this, why not tell me? Am i that much of a nightmare? All that was said when i joined meeting was that there are no concerns over kids but then quizzed about sleeping tablet use. House of Light wasc\even talked about - thAt i contact lots of people when im struggling, asking for help. I thought that was the point...
I feel so wound up right now I want to hurt but kids still up. r off tonight so dont usually when hes around but dont care, just about kids being asleep.
Thanks for all the lvoely support from everyone here Ive met lots of lovely people but i think now need to try standing on my own.
Lots of luv bean x

[winegirl]

Hey Babes

Sorry I missed you last night x

You are NOT dragging anyone down, and you dont have to stand on your own because we want to be here for you!

You should always ask for help when you need it. I am sorry you couldnt get back on here last night and i missed your text (must be deaf as i sleep with phone next to my ear).

How are you feeling this morning. Did you get the kids off to school alright??

WG x

[bean]

Hi WG - sorry to put on you like that, just read that you're feeling it too. Sorry.
Feel so selfish.
Got kids to school but J started crying in playground cause all new entrances etc and he didnt know where to go, I just saw deputy head and asked her then had to leave cause I burst into tears too - cant cope with anything at the moment.

As you know been to a&e today, they really scared me by saying they wanted to refer to social services and child protection, I could feel myself getting really panicky but trying not to show. I told her who was my managign psych nurse and she knows him really well, I asked her to ring him instead so she did and he told her to patch me up and ask me to ring him when I get home. He told her our meeting was really positive although I didnt read any of that in the minutes (apart from im good mum). Anyway panicking cause was longer than usual and kids had to be collected from school - I sent text to friend to keep them at playground until R could get there (he left at 3pm today). All ok but very very sore now, same place as a fortnight ago so she said it was very neat (great).
My head, neck and shoulders have been killing me all day I just want to sleep for a week, M was up nearly all night last night and I had some really severe dreams, dont know how Im keeping going at the mo completely exhausted and emotional.
Decided to stuff the meds too cause they dont work but zopiclone on the menu tonight cause I need to sleep some.
Sorry again WG i put on people too much I know that and I am trying to change that, wont text again, you have your own life going on.
Thanks for your support.

[winegirl]

Hey Babes

You can text anytime!! I am cool - everyone has their own lives but it doesnt mean we cant be here for each other!!

I did text you back when you said you had been to a&e, wasnt sure what for. How is the cut now? How do you feel now you are back at home?

How great that they commented on you being a good mum, you see, its not just us that think it too!

Please dont feel like you are puttingon me because you are not in anyway, I am always here if you need a chat. I am sorry you couldnt log in here last night!!

How you doing tonight mate??

WG x

[bean]

Lots still going on in my head tonight. Tried to uncoil my brain by writing what was going on :-

I wonder why it feels so good
to cut myself so deep
To feel the blade go into my skin
and the warm blood begin to seep
To hold my arm on an iron or over a flame
until I want to cry
Then feeling so much inner shame
until I want to die
Then dealing with these cuts and burns
gets harder every time
The guilty thoughts running through my head
I dull these thoughts with wine
Then covering up so no-one sees
the scars that show my pain
The scars that show no matter what
I truely am to blame
I really do not understand
why I have to hurt so much
This addiction has taken over my mind
and that's why I hate it such
There has to be another way
to manage all this pain
This pain in my head, will I find the way
or will things just stay the same
The lies, the secrecy, the guilt and regret
I want it all to stop right now
But it's been in my life for such a long time
I really, really don't know how
And then there's tomorrow, I'll have them again
the urges I try so hard to fight
To succeed is my wish, my hope and my need
To stop this despair
And to turn on my light...

[bean not logged on]

Just back from A&E again. 12 more stitches, some in knee and some side I reopened from yesterday. Had to get second opinion cause was v deep in both but knee was nearly to joint. Hate this hate me hate what i do and am.

[monica]

Hi

Just wanted to reiterate what WG said - we're here to support you so please please don't stop coming on here. You've said yourself how much it's helped and you've helped loads of other ladies too.

I'm so sorry your'e not getting the help you need - it seems to me they're not listening to you at all. Trying to intimidate you, calling you an attention seeker is not going to help you.

You are a brilliant mum and that is recognised officially on paper, so ignore what they said at A&E about your kids being 'at risk'. I know with this illness it' sso easy tobe set back in major way by what people say, but do try and concentrate on the positive things - perhaps make a list? Then you'll see it in black and white.

I've never self harmed so I dont' want to appear as if I know about stuff that I haven't been through. It seems to me though that it's like addiction and stopping it is not going to be an overnight success. Your poem clearly shows the turmoil you're going through. It's brilliant by the way. You really have talent.

how are you cuts doing? Are they starting to heal?

Sending you huge hugs

Monica