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Post by bean on Sept 23, 2008 13:51:37 GMT
Kjnackered, fuzzy, sat here and dont want to go out the door but Ive got to pick boys up from school soon i just dont want to. Panicking about managing them until bedtime. HATE THIS i know i have to hurt just dont know how bad until i do it. Today i dont want to be here cause im no good to anyone it would be sooo easy just to get sleeping tablets and do them all tonight just fall into a blissful and long sleep.
Please help me if anyone knows how I can get through this. Does anyone know how I can get to sleep. Not thinking straight im so tired scared when i get this desperate.
Need to get to school but all those pelple seem to be wathcing me. Im scared ill pass out again .
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Post by winegirl on Sept 23, 2008 13:57:33 GMT
Hi Bean
I used to pass out occasionaly with the anxiety. The way I ended up dealing with it was to not care. The more wound up i got about fainting in front of people the worse it got. In the end I realised that people really didnt think bad about me for fainting and i past caring. It soon stopped.
As for sleep I would list a reel of drugs but if you are responsible for looking after the children at night they might knock you out so much you dont hear them. Alot of ladies take Kalms, out lavendar on the pillow etc... I always found that if I was wound up and couldnt sleep a diazepam would help
What time you picking the kids up?
WG xx
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Post by bean on Sept 23, 2008 19:58:25 GMT
Im scared I know its not good and Ive been trying to deny it but I think I have to be honest especially here (one of two places I am). Ive had fantasies of driving my car off road again (well last time wasnt off road was just straight into ballard). Where i see my cpn its a dead end and I just bang my foot down and keep going through the fence onto train line beyond. Last time I saw him i was going back to car and police and paramedics were there which is weird cause id already been thinking about this for while. Why do I think this cause I love my babies so much I think i dont deserve them or they me. I dont know where to turn, my head is in bits and going downhill in a big way I dont know where it will end. Im thinking the only answer tonight to get these thoughts away is to cut in a big way but I cant can I. I wish I could stitch myself then there would be no need to let anyone know, I wouldnt have to go to A&E, I havent even got any steri strips in - used them all last week to keep me together until I got there. F**k f**k f**k
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Post by winegirl on Sept 23, 2008 20:19:40 GMT
Bean - you sound in a bad way tonight. You need to do one of two things, either ring someone to talk about what is going on or get yourself off to A&E. You dont need to feel this desperate, you dont deserve it.
Will stay around for a while if you want to talk??
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Post by bean on Sept 23, 2008 22:08:44 GMT
I know what you're saying and i feel like im making excuses, but I just dont feel comfortable calling crisis team (only people available t o call) cause they have script they do i.e. take a bath, hot drink - they dont really have the time to talk properly unless you are absolutely desperate and tell them you're on the edge which I dont want to do cause scared of fallout. I cant go to A&E either - imagine that turning up with three kids theyd send for social services and probably lock me in padded cell with straight jacket (probably place for me at the moment). Ive taken sleeping tablets and rolled bifter so will hopefully be in state of needing to lay down soon. I know thats not the answer either but its all Ive got tonight. Thanks for your suggestions WG I know you care, just feel sorry I let everyone down at mo, especially myself.
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Post by winegirl on Sept 24, 2008 7:54:42 GMT
You are not letting anyone down Bean! You are poorly and none of this is your fault!
How did you get on last night hun?
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Post by monica on Sept 24, 2008 7:57:01 GMT
Hi
You sound so alone! Could you try talking to your oh about how you feel? maybe sharing the burden out aloud with another person may give you some relief?
How are you feeling this am?
Monica
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Post by bean on Sept 24, 2008 13:19:12 GMT
Hi no better today, couldnt get to sleep then had the weirdest dream straight away that the bed was shaking and I was gradually floating in the air up to the ceiling and someone was next to the bed watching (dont know who it was just a black figure with no features). I woke up with major panic couldnt breathe then I thought someone was downstairs thought I could hear someone trying to get in so couldnt get back to sleep for ages, mustve eventually cause about an hour later i woke for martha feed. OH has been ok just lately but i dont want to push it by putting too much on him, he seems to be coping sometimes then it all gets too much and he blows, leaving me totally to blame and feeling bad. I again dont know where to turn - was supposed to see shrink today but didnt go, it took me all my time to get to school and back there was no way i could make it up hill to the hospital, dont want to face her anyway, thinking shes gonna give me right bollocking over meds and Im not ringing support anymore I dont trust anyone. Spoke to K yesterday from House of Light but shes not as understanding as Jo and I said I was struggling (but didnt go into details) she said she doesnt feel qualified to help me and said to ring my cpn, she assumed I was going to s/h or worse. What must people really think of me? I asked her not to ring anyone about me Ill just manage by myself. The thing is though I dont think i will just manage I want to go far away but martha needs my milk. Been trying to get her into formula but she just looks at me as if im taking the piss and wont take it or settle until she feeds off me. I read in one of the other posts about a mum & baby place to go, dont know what this is but sounds like the answer at the mo, either that or just piss off and then she'll have to have formula cause I wont be here - now i feel guilty for thinking of myself but if I carry on going further down I literally will be 6ft under.
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Post by bean not logged on on Sept 25, 2008 20:07:53 GMT
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Post by cheshire on Sept 26, 2008 7:11:49 GMT
Hi Bean,
Sending you huge hugsxx
How are you feeling today?
Much love, Hopefulx
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Post by bean on Sept 26, 2008 13:18:33 GMT
Hi, just tired & suffering major league tension, face, neck and shoulders killking me. Could do with a good sob but wont come. On the positive though (not heard me say that word for while) I stood and did 2 hours ironing yesterday without ironing myself - yeah. Ive been thinking about cutting but R been about and Ive managed so far to fight, just scared about thoughts though. I want to let rip and get everything on paper for therapy but dont seem to be able to. Therapist tried getting me to make some noise the other day but I couldnt do it she even held both my hands so I couldnt cover mouth or throat but I couldnt manage anything above voice level, I really think we should have a session including wine then she'd see the beast unleashed. R came to bed last night (cant remember last time he came to bed - only did cause he didnt feel v well), anyway he couldnt believe what a nightmare martha is on a night, he said he now knows why he sleeps downstairs so he can get good sleep (alright for some), she fell out of bed at one point so its a good thing no support visiting cause they'd think I'd done it (big mark on her forehead). Oneof my support workers rang yesterday to see if I wanted visit today but I just said Im ok and didnt want to take up her time (also that Im pain in the arse). This going cold turkey off meds and all support is harder than I thought, must get easier though, Im a grown up I SHOULD be able to stand on my own. Been searching net for tattoo designs but not found the one. I know what I want (mother and child figure) in tribal (my other is tribal so will match). I wish i was better drawer then I could do it myself Ive had go but was crap. Going to contact Rs friend who did my back see if he can help with ideas. R supposed to be working tonight but dont know if he will make it (man flu), I cant cope with looking after him too! Need more pain killers and going to have cuppa and choccy - trying to relax so not panicking at school time again - this is getting beyond a joke, its only a school for gods sake - I used to work there with the kiddies so why is it so intimidating now. Havent heard from cpn or shrink so thinking they either letting me have time out on my own or they going to discharge me for not turning up at appts and not complying with care (coming off meds) although I only mentioned about coming off meds, didnt actually tell them that I had cause I havent spoken to them since I stopped taking them. Dont want to ring cause dont want bollocking but could do with help right now - my own worst enemy at times like this eh. Need to chill before school, back later.
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Post by bean on Sept 27, 2008 0:46:05 GMT
f**k, f**k, f**k, f**kety f**k!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry everyone I am totally enraged I want to bang my head on the wall, i want to punch a hole in the wall, door, anything, I want to kick shit out of something - but most of all I want to take my razor blade and go wild on my belly, legs, sides, arms, face. I want to rake my skin out I want to do all this in rage but know I wont. I will sit quietly in control (if you can call it that) and cut slowly and deeply watching the blood flow it will feel so good to stop all the other thoughts. I even cut some fatty tissue out of my side the other day - DIY lipo or what. Im completely out of control now I shouldnt have drunk all the bottle or rolled that extra spliff, because of whats going on in my head i should know this will happen. Funny thing is I had really good talk with my bezzy mate tonight, opened up to her bit and felt better. It was just when i started thinking about meaning of what id done the other week and read couple of posts that maybe I shouldnt have and all this just came out. Its like ive been obsessed. Me just sat here with fingers off on a tangent just doing what they want. I have to read bnack what ive written cause I cant remember. I wish I had someone to talk to right now cause I cant go to A&E tonight or tomorrow and only got two small steri strips but I know i must cut there is no getting out of it tonight.
If anyone is about who fancies a chat please let me know- tjhanks.
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Post by bean on Sept 27, 2008 1:06:24 GMT
Ive posted on blog to see if anyone about to talk - no one about. Just rantg crisis resolution team but noone there either, left message on answerphone but dont think theyll get back to me far too busy for someone like me. Why do i feel so shit i cant switch off i m fighting it so hard and trying everything but i need to talk and noone about. I need to get my razor blade now at leasst that will stop me thinking the warm blood will jhelp me looking inside m y skin and seeing whats there. Opening up the skin its warm and good, pulling out the fatty tissue with my razor (i cant believe im sarying all this stuff i must be really drunk i am a toal lightweight) but i suppose the real me does come out with alcohol. It did few weeks ago anyway (if you're reading WG or N- you know its true!). f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k f**k
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Post by bean on Sept 27, 2008 1:08:46 GMT
Im sorry for all the language - Im such an idiot dont know any better. OH says its sign of uneducation.
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Post by bean on Sept 27, 2008 1:11:28 GMT
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh
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