|
|
Post by cheshire on Sept 27, 2008 8:14:00 GMT
How are you today Bean? xx Has anyone got back to you x
|
|
|
|
Post by bean on Sept 27, 2008 10:58:45 GMT
Yeah - crisis team rang me back about 2.30pm I think. Told her what I wanted to do she said that she couldnt say one way or the other cause thats what I do (thought they were supposed to help not harm). Had chat - was ranting like a loon surprised she didnt send straight jacket around for me.
Tried watching bit of telly but not much on at 3am , i just couldnt switch my head off. Anyway two steri strips dont go far do they?
I feel calmer today, been "on one" though bit ocd cleaning- done washing, got school uniforms ready for Monday, cleaned kitchen, tidied lounge, but all clothes away upstairs, put garden chairs away in shed, raked around for wallpaper scrapers in shed - Im going to strip the bathroom later - R was going to do it few weeks ago when he had few days off but didnt and its such a doss hole it needs doing, might get some of my rage out of my system too. - Id done all this by 11am, just having cuppa now, dan gone to karate and r back from work after 3pm.
Hull City are on telly later so my friend coming round to watch with us (come on you city!), I know its lame but we're all still elated to be in the premiership.
Please - i dont want anyone saying sorry for not being around last night - I know it was late and cant expect people to be around all the time. - Im still here to fight another day (so tired of fighting), surprised (and scared) myself though at just how very angry I was Im surprised the keyboard isnt knackered cause of the way i was typing. Needed now - Martha has a little pressie for me in her nappy me thinks by the way the room stinks all of a sudden, thank heavens for little mercies of distraction.
|
|
|
|
Post by bean on Sept 27, 2008 19:16:10 GMT
Yeah - come on you City - we won arsenal 2-1. Friend didnt come round I told her not to cause Im a miserable cow. R said i talk to him badly. Was looking forward to seeing friend for company, sharing wine. I always make things bad, spoil what should be good. Having cuppa instead.
Fighting major urge but dont know if i want to fight it tonight it would be much easier to give in. Why am I such a nasty person.
|
|
|
|
Post by motherferret on Sept 27, 2008 19:35:08 GMT
Oh, you are NOT a nasty person. You are a good person to whom bad things have happened and bad feelings have invaded. Having given in myself today, I'm hardly in a position to encourage you to fight the urge, but try to anyway!!
We had a good day at the office too. Husband's team (WBA) won, his second team (Stenhousemuir - who??!!I hear you cry)won, and my team (Luton - no wonder I'm on Prozac and drink too much!!) managed to eke a draw.
Huge hugs,
Ali (Motherferret)
|
|
|
|
Post by bean on Sept 28, 2008 7:55:50 GMT
Thanks Ali
but I treat people badly all the time. R was asleep by 9pm anyway so I mooched about trying not to get my kit out. Ended up frenzid scratching with needle and burning my side where stitches are so not too bad (compared to real urges).
I think I may develop an obsession with Deep Heat, discovered this the other day and although it didnt take the pain away, it did numb a bit (on my neck and shoulders) and I love the smell.
Last night I thought of writing myself a letter for therapy but Martha was taking the piss and wouldnt settle for jme until nearly twelve, no wonder I look like something out of Thriller video.
and yes I have heard of your teams (not much choice living with football addict, who would rather watch than other "activities".
Im struggling with my feelings with R again, will go into this if I get password for other section.
Thinking just need to stay safe until kids in bed, going to be a long day - im sooo tired, but didnt have evil dreams last night, Deep Sleep cd (& fantasies) must have helped.
Going to get one lot of stitches out tomorrow morning, wish it was my knee, this one is really annoying me, i know serves me right.
|
|
|
|
Post by bean on Sept 28, 2008 23:05:24 GMT
Not great day today. Im trying my best but mad mood swings and tension. Got scratches all over my side, not massive ones though, just need hiding. Dotted bifter out on hip last night too. Want to do more with razor but this is me trying, Im scared of losing control again and going too deep, at least the scratches hurt too (is this a positing thinking? Im not sure). One lot of stitches out tomorrow, then going to look for new car while the old one will still get us there (hopefully).
Had zopiclone, going to put sexy voice Sleep CD on and try to get rest (need deep heat for neck first). Last night had "Very nice dream!!!" after listening to him, better than nightmares any time.
Wrote some therapy Ive been thinking of doing tonight when R was asleep. I hope it makes sense to K and that she can help me make sense too. I hope my understanding is what it should be. By doing this Ive distracted myself for while and ready for slumber - i think i feel bit proud of this, harder than the alternative maybe?
|
|
|
|
Post by cheshire on Sept 29, 2008 10:11:12 GMT
Hope you did sleep ok Bean?
Hopefulx
|
|
|
|
Post by bean on Sept 30, 2008 11:31:31 GMT
Great, sums me up today - just written long post & lost it.
Cut long story short, want to cut badly but dont want people to know cause they think Im attention seeking. Dont want anyone else to feel bad.
Therapist cancelled so nowhere to go with thoughts that I was so ready to share. Not her fault I know. Just means I have to live with these for another week until I see her again. Dont know where to turn, no support anymore (my fault not theirs).
Dont want to fight it today, want to harm deeply.
|
|
|
|
Post by bean on Sept 30, 2008 12:08:13 GMT
How lucky am I, I had my kit out with razor etc, m was asleep and was just on my way upstairs to cut . Therapist just rang, she can see me earlier. Just need to make sure kids picked up ok, and also make sure I can hang on until then. I want to cut sooooo badly, I feel so shit about myself today (explained in other thread). Want to punch someone but it will only be me!
|
|
|
|
Post by bean on Sept 30, 2008 21:48:54 GMT
Therapist saw me. Was good session, got some stuff done (i wanted to rush through this though so we could do the relaxation for my mp4) got my much needed hug.
Wanting to hurt though cause thoughts in my head. Not going to though - not!
I need to close down for tonight, so tightly coiled. Going to bed.xx
|
|
michelle79
Senior Member
mummy to Jack born 2004 and had pni since his birth
Posts: 471
|
Post by michelle79 on Sept 30, 2008 21:53:06 GMT
Hi Bean
So pleased you had a good session with your therapist and that you got your much needed hug.
Well done for being strong and telling yourself no to the harming tonight. Thats such a good thing and you should be proud of yourself.
Hope you get a good nights sleep and remember am here for you if you need me. Sorry if i dont reply much but i am always thinking of you.
Shell
|
|
|
|
Post by bean on Oct 1, 2008 13:33:31 GMT
Cancelled appointment with nurse for stitch removal - couldnt face her - I felt I had said too much to her the other day! Going to try to take them out myself later. Also supposed to be going for morning after pill from the other night - again cant be arsed. Feel like Im going into destructo mode again.
I feel like I want to cut loose and go wild in a big way. I want to get pissed and act stupid - but it wont do me any good at the mo cause when in this frame of mind I end up feeling bad and doing wrong things!!
|
|
|
|
Post by monica on Oct 2, 2008 3:22:52 GMT
Hi
How are you? Try and fight the urge to do anything destructive. Well done on not s/h the other day, it must be hard but you did it!
Has anything set you off with this destructive mood? Could it be period? Glad therapist session went well - she does sound good and as if you have a good bond withher.
Love
Monica
|
|
|
|
Post by bean on Oct 2, 2008 18:29:38 GMT
I dont think anything has set me off - should just be used to being miserable cow by now. Very tired (look like bride of frankenstein and that's insulting to her) and wound up though, neck killing me still. Alone tonight until 10pm, R working from 8am tomorrow until 3pm Saturday (i know insane) so have to keep cool head for kids.
Fighting urges again tonight - also MAJOR mood swings and so snappy like Im going to completely lose it.
Took my stitches out today - ouch! never done it myself before and scissors wouldn't work so had to get razor out, cut is healing but quite red and swollen too.
Told R cant go on without sleep and M not taking formula - he said he will go up to give her bedtime feed of formula at 9pm when hes not at work. He's said this before though and doesnt work like that does it! I feel at end of tether with all responsibility of kids etc. also trying to help him with his job application which he needs my help for. I just seem to get one settled in bed then the other starts, then both in bed and martha wakes up screaming WHEN WILL I GET SOME REST??? Everyone wants a piece of me but no more pieces left - just little crumb in the middle.
I love them so much and just wish I could enjoy them. I cant take it out on them can I so only viable option tonight is not good. Head hurts, too noisy inside want it to stop.
|
|
|
|
Post by monica on Oct 2, 2008 19:51:13 GMT
It's a real bugger (to put it mildly) being exhausted. i can remember wanting to go to ahotel for the night - on my own - just to get some sleep as everyone seemed to demand me, but I had nothing left to give. So I do really sympathise. I hope R sticks to what he said and tries to get formula down your lo.
My oh and I both work shifts so it is a bugger at times. Hope he helps you out tomorrow pm.
I do hope you manage not to self harm tonight - will be thinking of you sweet heart and sending you huge hugs.
Love
Monica
|
|
