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Post by bean on Oct 3, 2008 10:21:07 GMT
Thanks for hugs Monica
I wish he could help me out but he's at work now until tomorrow (Sat) 3pm so have to struggle through. I know what you mean about going to hotel though, last night I threatened to my 5 year old that if they played me up again, I was going to go to nannas for some rest. Felt bad - not their fault, then again this morning wouldnt get ready for school so i dont know what to do.
My head is far too heavy for my neck today I feel like I have to support it with my hands, neck is too fragile.
Took myself off to bed last night so managed not to s/h - yeah!
On the negative though I need to visit A&E soon to get patched up (not good)!
I know I should keep fighting these urges but when it does eventually get too much I go too far, maybe would be best to keep doing "minor" things then it doesnt grow and grow into something I cant control.
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Post by nixx999 on Oct 3, 2008 19:43:01 GMT
You know where i am if you need me. Trying to ring but no answer? Hope you are having fun somewhere LOL. Love you xxxxxxx  |
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Post by winegirl on Oct 6, 2008 13:07:22 GMT
Hey Bean
Havent heard from you for a few days hun and was wondering how you are doing?? Thinking of you x
WG xx
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Post by bean on Oct 6, 2008 21:15:04 GMT
Hey WG
Not great, will update more tomorrow, had good night saturday but relationship not great at mo. Supposed to see therapist but was told when I got there they were not expecting her and no room was booked, pissed off major league, left, said didnt want appt with CPN - all too busy - others more deserving.
R at work again, just had rant to Jo from HoL by email so trying not to worry about all this tonight, want to stay safe.
Big revelation at weekend but will talk about tomorrow, head full now.
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Post by bean on Oct 6, 2008 23:46:04 GMT
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Post by winegirl on Oct 7, 2008 10:42:35 GMT
Hey hun. Whats the revelation babes? You ok?
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Post by bean on Oct 7, 2008 10:55:16 GMT
Feel like shit up til 3.30am head spinning, trying to make sense of all my thoughts.
I will not ask for help cause dont want to be let down (nurse in hospital said its my cpn etc.'s job and not to mind bothering them at all - obviously too busy though cause he said they would ring me last week, still no phone call). I know secretary asked me to arrange appt when I turned up and was turned away yesterday, f**k it, who cares!
Felt like getting in car and doing one off humber bridge by 4am this morning.
Want to cut and cut and cut and not stop. Why bother, nothing changes with me does it, thought things were turning around then just end up further down than ever. Like I said to Hopeful, they said I should ask for the help and if I was well I would, wouldnt I but obviously Im not so I think its wrong for it all to be on my shoulders (not trying to push any sort of blame onto anyone - I KNOW ITS MY FAULT IM LIKE THIS - no-one elses.
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Post by winegirl on Oct 7, 2008 12:14:50 GMT
Oh hun it drives me nuts that we have to scream at the top of our lungs to get help from people. I am gonna make it my mision when I qualify as a psychiatric nurse to make the system better.
You are not to blame for what is happening to you, an illness is an illness regardless of what it is. Have you managed to get your head down at all this afternoon? Tiredness definately makes things work.
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Post by motherferret on Oct 7, 2008 17:49:34 GMT
Hi Bean,
It makes me so cross!! We shout as loud as we can in the only way we know how. And sometimes you feel like you might as well p**s in the wind. I'm sorry you are notbeing looked after very well.
Tiredness makes everything worse. I think sleep deprivation is a form of torture. Seriously. I know I tend to be frivolous, but the pain in the head you get with that constant fuzzy feeling is totally terrible, and to make it worse no-one can see it.
Can I suggest something? It might be a loud of whoosit, but see what you think. As you know, I have been trying to stop drinking. I would never have believed anything could be so hard. My AA sponsor told me that next time I wanted a drink I was to 'run the video forward'. So instead of having a drink I tried to run forward in my mind to how I'd feel after one drink, two, three....then how I'd be feeling after a couple of hours, how I'd be feeling when I crawled up to bed, and then in the morning. So although I think I want just the one glass of wine, it made me realise that if I had one it would lead to more and more and more until I was drunk, as usually happened.
It is the same feeling with cutting. Sometimes I cut instead of drink, and have cut regularly for some time. The other night I tried the same thing. I sat there with the stuff ready to cut, but I 'ran the video forward'. How I'd feel after the usual 10-12 cuts, how I'd feel later on, how I'd have to hide getting undressed until they healed enough, etc, etc. And you know what? I didnt cut. I'm sure it won't work every time, and isn't a magic cure by any means. But that once I did not hurt myself. You might think its a load of Charlie Ollocks!!
Huge hugs, try to keep safe. You aren't alone, although I know sometimes it feels that way.
Ali (Motherferret!!)
xxxxx
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Post by bean not logged on on Oct 7, 2008 19:39:27 GMT
Thanks WG and Ali, but you're wrong, they are trying to help me - Im the one in the wrong, Im the one who wont scream at them until they cant ignore me and Im sure they're the ones who feel like they're pissing in the wind with me.
I hear what you're saying but it is all down to me - Im the one who hasnt kept an appointment with my shrink since that meeting on 2/9/08, Im the one who decided to f**k my medication off and do it cold turkey, Im the one who decided I cant trust any of my support workers so have gone cold turkey with all them too, I havent seen them since meeting either, and Im the one who does these things to myself regardless of how Ill feel later.
I did try contacting therapist today though, texted her to ask if she was too busy for chat cause I didnt want to make things awkward with her for next week - shes the only one ive been relying on and opening up to lately - she didnt get back to me yet although Martha got hold of my mobile at tea time and drowned it in drool so im just drying the battery out cause it wont turn on at all now. If she doesnt get back to me I know its cos shes very busy and Ill just have to deal with it wont I.
Ive been arguing again with J and feel really bad about this, he's only five but i dont seem to be able to connect with him or get him to listen to me now, I always end up shouting and I admit I nearly pushed him away earlier, I feel so frustrated and feel Im lashing out on all the people around me which isnt fair at all is it?
I have very bad urge tonight but need to sort out new blade cause Friday I was bit angry with it on my hip and the end chipped off. Im trying to look at this as an obstacle to stop me (I have other razors I could dismantle to use) but will also try fast forward exercise from you Ali - I have tried similar thoughts i.e. i will feel worse in the morning, but Ive never visualised in that way before.
Im hoping I dont feel any worse than this later cause I can feel a "frenzy" coming on which is not good at all.
Need to go Martha is fed up watching me in her high chair, I need to get her settled so I can try and get bath and relax (or alternative), she's shattered, just like her mum, no WG i didnt get chance to rest although not quite sure what I have done today, the house is a pig sty, the ironing not done - What have I been doing? I honestly dont know, went for pub meal for nephews birthday at five but until then I dont know.
R at work AGAIN tonight so need to settle martha myself again, she's not happy about that cause fighting the formula transition when I try to feed her (she knows I still have the good stuff in me).
Wishing for restful thoughts tonight!
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Post by bean not logged on on Oct 7, 2008 19:42:19 GMT
Sorry Ali - I meant to say great going for not harming the other night - proud of you hunny!
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Post by bean on Oct 7, 2008 23:57:25 GMT
Sorry peeps, gave in & reopened hip from Friday, tried not to but couldnt stop thinking about it. Not too big but quite deep, steri stripped sort of cause two tiny bits found in 1st aid kit. May have to get seen tomorrow but if i do Im going to insist they dont ring cpn cause dont want him to think im attention seeking.
So tired going to try and get some rest now want to scratch my legs with needle but if I go to bed now i wont do this. Trying my best - really...
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Post by winegirl on Oct 8, 2008 7:30:51 GMT
Oh hun - I am so sorry. How is your wound this morning?
The fact is that you shouldnt have to scream for the help mate. But do let them contact the CPN for you if you go to the hospital. The CPN really is the key to getting you better..
How are you mate??
WG (()) x
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Post by bean not logged on on Oct 8, 2008 8:03:35 GMT
:(Fuzzy headed, sick to pit of stomache, getting a cold and needing a hug.
I am my own worst enemy.
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Post by winegirl on Oct 8, 2008 8:23:48 GMT
Oh mate - here is a virtual one ((()))
Will be around on and off today babes ...
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