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Post by motherferret on Oct 8, 2008 8:29:26 GMT
Oh Bean - huge hugs. Huge wrap-around hugs. Its not your fault you are like this, its just how it is after babies. Some women aren't, lots of us are. Sadly there is no map to navigate your way through it, we all just have to find our own way, even though we have other people doing the journey with and alongside us. I have just finished a night shift - we had three baby girls overnight, in two Caesarean sections. Both sets of parents were all coo-ey, and I just wanted to say, just wait until you've had no sleep for days on end; just wait until you are so tired you would give your back teeth to just shut your eyes for five minutes; just wait until your nice tidy home is untidy because you are too tired to care. But you can't say any of that to people. You have to smile and say Yes, she's gorgeous. Huge email-y hugs, hope the cold doesn't get too bad. Try and rest between it all, I know its hard to, but if you have a cold its one more thing for your body to fight. Try and give yourself a break - you deserve it. Truly, you do, Love, Ali xxxx
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Post by bean on Oct 8, 2008 22:22:26 GMT
Had zopiclone so fuzzy but will try to update. I wish for that break, not coping,cant cope with kids - yes they're safe - dont worry but its me. Im so ratty and shouting with massive mood swings brought on by the slightest thing. Went to get seen at A&E, the dr who stitched me told me she had other patients, she doesnt understand why people do this to themselves, ok if they want to die, they die, but they dont, they end up in surgery and often disabled - is this what I want? She went on to say its my body and noone else looks after it - also did I realise what Im doing is a Sin (so probably going to get struck down at some point) - then told me about a women she had treated who did this and ended up seriously ill for ten days then died and noone came to see her! Then that she herself felt crap but she just had to get on with it she couldnt go home sick. (if I wasnt depressed before I went in there I definately would have been by the end). As soon as I got outside I burst into tears and my head was f**ked. I desperately need different coping strategies, cant go on like this. I also need to get proper steri strips etc so I dont have to go back to A&E. May have to go back to burns or my pins again, not as serious injuries. Went to see cpn thinking he had said he could see me there and then but he wasnt in all day. Spoke to another cpn and got appointment to see mind tomorrow, dont particulaly want to go, dont know what to say to him but I know I have to go. Going to try and settle now, like an uncoiled spring, hoping for oblivion - wish I could take ten zopiclone to comletely turn off the thoughts for the night, but I know I cant - they would just make me sick and i wouldnt wake if the kids needed me (martha STILL waking lot during night for bitty (any advice on this would be greatly appreciated). Nite nite x
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Post by Jay on Oct 9, 2008 5:25:22 GMT
Just wanted to say that I am thinking of you. It is so unfair that you have this mess to sort.
I send my love and a big HUG. Jay xx
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Post by winegirl on Oct 9, 2008 7:28:32 GMT
Oh my god Bean! Is that person at the Hospital for real! I am DISGUSTED that someone working for the NHS which we pay for to make us better should say those things to you and quite frankle I would report her! You are MENTALLY ILL, not trying to disturb her life! I am appauled.
What time is your appt today? I will be thinking of you. Please be honest with them hun x
WG xx
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Post by bean not logged on on Oct 9, 2008 8:53:43 GMT
:'(CPN cancelled appt - apparently I was given this appointment yesterday, but his sec didnt have his diary and he's double booked, so cant make. Offered me one tomorrow but it's within half an hour of drs appts so cant get there, & then he's off next week WHATEVER! Im trying to be safe - even rang CRS last night which I dont like doing. I feel really bad just want to rock in a corner/cuddle up in a quilt and not come out - ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Post by bean not logged on on Oct 9, 2008 8:57:49 GMT
Forgot to say what a complete piece of shit mother I am too, Dan asked me this morning to go see harvest festival at the church this morning cause he's got to say something, I cant go - i could not wait to get back in house from school this morning and the thought of going there with crowds - i cant - Im shit, shit, shit, shit, such an effing letdown. Want to cry and not stop.
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Post by winegirl on Oct 9, 2008 9:41:26 GMT
Oh hun its not your fault your couldnt make it to the harvest festival. Dan will know that you would be there if you could. If you want to make it up for him why not do him a harvest tea tonight or something or ask him to repeat what he said as a little show or something.
I used to feel bad when I couldnt get out of the house too, but now I am better noone can remember those times..
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Post by monica on Oct 9, 2008 14:29:56 GMT
Hi
Oh sweetheart - it's this illness - it's not you! You are not a bad mother - you have so much on your plate and little support. Be kind to yourself - it is virtually impossible to get out when you feel the way you do - I was liek that too. I think with PNI we need so much effective and efficient support than we get. I also can't believe what that dr said in A&E - how exactly is that supposed to make you feel better?! Outrageous.
Sending you huge virutal hugs
Love
Monica
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Post by bean on Oct 10, 2008 20:15:07 GMT
Hi, couple of eventful days left me drained. I did make it to harvest festival, dont know how just threw martha in pram and nearly ran there, was late and door was closed so nearly turned around but DIDNT! Managed to stay to see Danny and he saw me, then had to leave caues nearly in tears. Joe fell off climbing frame at school & I think he had concussion, still poorly today but insisted on going to school (it was book dressing up day) - I was so worried about him he couldnt walk was so dizzy and had to carry him home, then started throwing up. Martha decided this was a good night to play up too so was like a yo yo between the two bedrooms. R was asleep on settee! Ranted to mum this morning, felt drunk all day, so exhausted i can tbear it. My support worker came round and we had bit of a chat and I decided to ring cpn back caues had left 3 messages for him to ring, hes gone off on holiday now and has asked secretary to write to me with appt for 22nd. Had row with secretary, she said Im confusing because I dont know whether i want help or not (no shit sherlock!!!) Anyway lost my rag and told her to tell them to discharge me i cant take all this crap anymore, a message I left the other day was not clear and when I said "dont worry bout appt, Im demanding waste of space who doesnt deserve help" on my text, the message that was actually left for him was "dont worry about an appointment im ok". I dont know how to ask for help at the mo and without actually saying - look if you dont help me you will find me swinging in the rafters - i dont think they will get that i truly need help. Outlaws have decided to kick off again having a go at me - just what I need, she is an evil witch who is out of touch with reality! (Im a right one to talk I know). Anyway I will put all this crap in a box now for the night, i cant deal with it now. Guess what??? My mum rang me back this morning and offered to have martha for the night...... It took me until 5.30pm to agree to it but i did - how brave is that? I took her around at 630 and when I left i felt weird but said bye and she gave me biggest toothy smile and waved and said b (not quite bye but first proper communication - she knew what I meant) - I had to leave before I changed my mind. So Ive had a bath with aromatherapy oils and candles, got some wine, had a bifter and going to lather my neck in deep heat, zopiclone soon and GET SOME SLEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ill deal with all the crap later, need to look after myself now and give myself some tlc for a change (thanks jo) x
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Post by monica on Oct 11, 2008 5:28:44 GMT
Hi
My goodness - what a eventful couple of days you've had. You have done so well with all the hassle you've had to deal with. You went to harvest festival (even though didn't feel up to it). dealth with Joe (how is he by the way?), dealt with cpn secretary, dealth with inlaws kicking off, let Martha go to your mum's which was hard.
You deserve a medal! You coped with all that and made time for yourself, so great stuff. hope you feel better today for it.
Love
Monica
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Post by bean not logged on on Oct 11, 2008 10:56:08 GMT
Hi Monica, thanks but I didnt deal with outlaws - just trying to ignore and support R best I can, this has been going on for years - they hate my guts. Feel REALLY bad about Joe - I did want to take him to A&E but R said not to, he said he was ok - I should have shouldn't I? He is ok today, still bit pale but not being sick anymore. (also I was scared of taking him in case they thought I was responsible for the injury) . Got letter this morning from cpn about appt on 22nd, also urged me to keep appt with therapist on Tuesday (only I have got written down Monday) - another mix up but cant check until monday, I dont want to turn up again to be told there's no room at the inn. I dont particularly want to go to that dept for appt cause of words with secretary so Im going to ask therapist if I can see her at her base instead. Martha was ok for mum and dad although bit restless - but didnt need milk until 6am so I now know she is taking the p**s with me but what can I do about it? I did get some sleep but kept waking and expecting her to be in cot next to me so felt weird, was great to see her this morning though. I woke up with swollen glands and tonsils AGAIN, going to try and have quiet day Dan at a party later and England playing so will have wine to watch that. Im going to try and tidy up a bit and get uniforms done for school - if I keep busy my mind wont stray will it? (Last night I wanted to slice open my leg BUT DIDNT). Hope I can keep to this, I really want to take care of myself cause and do feel fragile and dont need to feel any worse (especially guilt about not looking after Joe more). Need more tea now caues throat closing up.
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Post by winegirl on Oct 12, 2008 9:31:31 GMT
Hey hun
How you doing today? How is the poorly throat doing? I never really suffered with all that until my LO was born now my glands are always up, I get mouth ulcers, tonsilitis the lot! Think being run down doesnt help.
Did you enjoy your wee rest??
Hope you are ok and update us soon x
Huge hugs (())
WG xx
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Post by bean not logged on on Oct 12, 2008 11:58:22 GMT
:'(Just short update. Feel poorly, martha not well yesterday, lethargic and runny poo, so she didnt eat much and was up most of night wouldnt settle trying to feed off me all time, every time I moved she woke. Feeling quite anxious about professional help (or not), Im going to type everything down in an articulate way and take in to my shrink on Thursday (pointing out all the mistakes that keep happening and that these keep being blamed on me - I know Im mental but they are not helping and I want them to know Im not an idiot! Have to go will come back later xx
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Post by bean not logged on on Oct 12, 2008 12:39:40 GMT
Well that didnt last long did it? It doesnt take much to burst my bubble at the mo. Spoke to my mum and she asked if we could pop out for a couple of hours this afternoon with them, I thought I would try to make the effort and got martha ready but when R got back from part with other two he said it would be too late by the time i was ready and not worth it. Basically Ive now sent them out without me and feel despondent cause there is something stopping me from joining them, when someone puts a downer on something it really affects me, me and martha just in now and i feel like ive let them down, im a failure (i know this is sooooo trivial in the big scheme of things), why am I like this - I hate myself, why cant I just get on with it instead in turning on myself all the time and end up wanting to punish myself for being such a bitch. Maybe if i burn myself i will feel better, Ive managed not to harm for few days so its ok (or is it? I dont think so). Im such a nightmare to live with why doesnt he just leave me, Im sure they would all be happier without me here, but where can I go, they need me here when he's at work to look after them, sort out uniforms, clean house, feed them, do homework, look after them when they're ill, only they dont when he's here, so I am useful for when hes working, should remember that I suppose. How can you feel so lonely with a houseful of people? I thought id not done so bad past few days considering everything but just comes back to same old effing mental case doesnt it? They dont deserve this.
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Post by bean on Oct 13, 2008 9:10:41 GMT
Got hammered last night - I really dont do myself any favours do I? went to friends with martha and ended up being really sick , she had to help me to bathroom, then had to ring r to come and collect martha cause I couldnt get her home. WHAT A FANTASTIC MUM I AM, IM SO RESPONSIBLE - NOT. Got Daniel off school poorly today, swollen tonsils etc, want to hurt but I cant, I never do anything when kids are around, just need to stay focused but am struggling, feel weird, unreal, want to curl up in ball.
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