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Post by bean on Oct 13, 2008 13:13:08 GMT
Feeling v nervous about appt with therapist - its at cpns place where I got turned away last week telling me there was no appointment, also the place where I had row with secretary last week so dont want to face her either. Ive checked with K and appointment IS today (not tomorrow like secretary stated in letter) so will just take deep breath and go. I know Im the mental one, but they are not helping with all the mix ups - it cant be my fault all the time can it? I get the feeling that they think that though because of my "illness". Battery running out, be back later. x
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Post by winegirl on Oct 13, 2008 14:57:58 GMT
Wishing you loads of luck for the appt today. Hope it goes well and you are able to get some sense out of them! Thinking of you x
WG xx
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Post by bean on Oct 13, 2008 20:37:44 GMT
Feeling very low and confused. My Therapist was very honest with me and also, in her words "challenging". I dont understand what is going on, she's telling me what Im doing with all my chaotic behaviour is pissing people off, I understand this and I understand that they can only help me if I let them but Im not doing this on purpose, Im sabotaging and reinforcing all my negative thoughts about myself and playing a game with them and in that Im trying to control them - but if I am doing this and dont even know it how do I stop it? I keep thinking if I was well, then I would be able to ask for help by picking up the phone and saying help me, but Im not and the hardest thing when im struggling is to actually say these words. I feel bad about myself cause I think people think that Im playing this manipulative game to get some sort of perverted pleasure from the attention. I dont think this is a game at all, its just me trying to get better but Im not getting better and right now I dont think i ever will. Therapist said maybe I cant deal with abuse issues right now, all the other stuff is getting in the way and my containment is leaking out everywhere so I need to get this sorted out so I feel safe to tackle my issues. I think the chaos is coming from me not being able to get this out and not dealing with it is making me worse so what do I do??? If I dont do the "in depth" stuff, Im totalling going off the rails, but Im not strong enough to do it - i dont know what to do or what to think. She has seen this happen loads of times but does that mean I am playing to a certain "script" that in self harming more Im saying f**koff to everyone who is trying to help me. It doesnt feel like that to me - I dont self harm to piss anyone off, anyone who does this knows that its no bloody joke and very bloody painful, would we do this just for a game? Im not writing this down cause Im pissed off with her cause Im not I just feel sad about the person Im perceived to be. I know she's brilliant at what she does so she must be right about me, its just hard to take right now, I feel like a right shitester. Im also writing to try to understand or if not, copy it down to take with me next week so she can help me understand and help me try to change. As you can probably tell my head is gonna take a lot of winding down tonight, up to now Im resisting the dark urges cause I dont want to prove her right, its just that that's the only way I know to cope, like Ive said before when you've done it for so long, it seems that there is no other answer, in a daft sadistic way, my comfort blanket, how warped is that. Im going to go get a bath and try to unwind a bit cause my head is banging.
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Post by bean on Oct 15, 2008 18:56:48 GMT
Feel v bad, cant talk though cause its all my fault. Want to burn tonight.
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Post by winegirl on Oct 15, 2008 20:10:54 GMT
Please talk Bean... You know we are here for you. You can PM etc if it helps?
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Post by bean on Oct 18, 2008 10:28:50 GMT
Head spinning, dont know what to do about life, marriage, s/h, therapy, anything. Have gone further down this week and dont know what to do, R said we should separate the other night after I made him "feel like worst person in the world - again", to be honest I dont care anymore apart from if he does go I know its all my fault and kids will blame me eventually. Only lasted half an hour then he said its just an argument and we should get on with it but every time this is happening its eating more and more into me. He said I do f-all and he does everything (not true) but wont listen to anything I say just shouts me down and puts me down - hes not helped at all with martha weaning like he said he was going to and the other day actually told me that if I was going to kill myself then not to slit my wrists across like you see on tv but to cut up the arm to do it properly, what is he saying? that he wants me to do this??? I wish there was somewhere for me to go with Martha for proper time out and to get a bit better. Panic has been bad, keeps coming even when Im sat "relaxing", not sleeping (martha not helping). I've not driven for a week cause I too (ali) started visualising trees, walls etc. to crash into again (this happened couple of years ago when I eventually drove into ballard) but I feel guilty about this. Burnt arm quite bad but managed not to cut for 10 days - he wont let it go though, keeps joking about being a pin cushion or about popping a stitch, I know its his way of dealing but this is NOT helping - I feel like hes looking down at me all the time. So Ive started hiding s/h again, from everyone, the only way of protecting myself I can see. Feeling very dis-associated from kids, numb - just looking at them sending me into panic. This isn't living is it?
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Post by bean not logged on on Oct 18, 2008 12:51:51 GMT
:'(My head hurts so much right now its like my neck isnt strong enough to support it. I feel sick, sweating, just want to crawl in a ball but I cant. I want to give in to it all, i cant cope with looking after boys and martha, I cant even look after myself. He's right I am useless.
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Post by bean on Oct 18, 2008 22:05:40 GMT
Thank you so much Ali, I went to cut tonight but stopped and thought about what you had said about the fast forward thinking and I sat for 20 mins visualising what would happen, and I stopped. Thank you, you made a difference! Going to bed now nite Tina x
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Post by winegirl on Oct 19, 2008 8:41:45 GMT
Hey babes
Sorry wasnt about last night. How you doing today? Did you manage to get much sleep?
Dont let him put you down hun. You do a fantastic job despite everything you are going through and should be recognised for that.
Thinking of you x
WG xx
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Post by bean on Oct 25, 2008 14:42:47 GMT
Hey everyone, thought Id update though compared to others on here my problems seem trivial. Sick of feeling poorly keep getting bug after bug & spent last week aching and feeling weird (for a change). Had my last stitches out the other day and feel quite proud that I ahvent cut for 2 weeks. Had meeting with cpn and shrink, dont know really how it went, they seemed bit defensive when I said Id been asking for help when I rang but they hadnt got messages, I think they think Im just making all this up.
Spent last few days crying, big feelings of dread with kids, thinking something will happen. also guilt cause Im like this and have been for so long, its eating away at me and I cant deal with it. Keep thinking will this ever end and Im messing my kids up by being this way. Time of year doesnt help, lots of bad thoughts going on in my head. Dans birthday in two weeks so party to organise. Dont know how Ill survive half term. Saw therapist monday and she said we need to try next few weeks to build up relationship and trust cause im not very good with her at mo, i dont understand why, but just writing about it now ive started with palpatations I need to stop cause I feel dizzy.
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michelle79
Senior Member
mummy to Jack born 2004 and had pni since his birth
Posts: 471
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Post by michelle79 on Oct 25, 2008 17:21:03 GMT
Hi Bean
Firstly i want to say a massive CONGRATULATIONS AND WELL DONE on 2 weeks without self harming. That is brilliant. I am so proud of you. I am also 2 weeks free on monday - maybe we can keep egging each other on not to harm. Well done honey.
So sorry you have been ill - its not nice is it. Hopefully this is then end of your bad luck with illness.
Crying is a good thing too (as i keep being told) as it realeases everything in a nice healthy way unlike the s/h. Batter out than in i think. (Should take my own advice hehe). Dont worry about half term. Best thing to do is keep busy and plan lots of things to do.
I hope you can build a relationship with your therapist. Its taken me a few months to talk to me cpn and now im opening up about everything. I even told her stuff ive never told anyone on momday and its helped our relationship. As you get to know each other, trust and stuff will come along and once you have told her one thing and been open with her about it then it will get easier. I know I need to start trusting and be more open with my psychologist but itrs hard and i know this is the same for you but I know nothing will get better and that she cant help me until i do talk to her.
Wishing you loads of love. Take care chick.
Shell
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Post by bean on Oct 25, 2008 19:53:04 GMT
Thanks Shell Proud of you too hun, only you've done it properly - Ive only not cut but still achievement I agree. You sound so good, its great to hear you like this. I did think I had relationship with therapist until couple of weeks ago and she knows what happened when I was younger and also when I was 14, although we havent gone into either just the titles - abuse and rape. She also says my physical ailments are due to not being able to deal with these feelings about what happened. My health visitor says Martha should be sleeping through and Ive got to slay the beast so to speak, calm the wild stallion. Ive got to keep putting her back in cot until she sleeps - well you can imagine what martha thinks of this, shes not impressed one bit and neither am I cause Im knackered. Not feeling good tonight . Moaning again arent I, I think i will put Saw on at 10pm and go to bed (great bedtime watching I know - good for the nightmares), cant stand just sitting her. MaRTha crying again, no rest for the wicked eh?
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Post by bean on Oct 25, 2008 20:30:39 GMT
Sorry had to delete that, felt bad aboutt writing about him, not fair and i dont need to beat myself up about anything else.
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Post by winegirl on Oct 26, 2008 10:00:55 GMT
Hey bean
How are you feeling this morning??
I totally understand all about the physical ailments - I still suffer on and off and I know it is all stress and anxiety related - it just makes everything so much harder.
Both you and Shell are doing FAB on the self harmin front, i am really proud of you, it is such a big thing to do and you are amazing to avoid it. WELL DONE!
WG x
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Post by bean on Oct 26, 2008 11:32:10 GMT
Thanks WG, Strugglingbig time not to s/h but alone with kids so must keep busy and distract, feel like shit about myself today dont know how to deal with. OH home at 1 and dont want to be around him but nowhere to go cause mum doesnt want us around today. If I can just fight it until kids bedtime then do ironing - dont wantto be talking like this cause dont wahnt to s/h. I wish I cared about myeslf more. Also no-ones mobile number anymore cause my mobile died along withall numbers, so cant text - only contact on here.
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