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Post by bean on Oct 26, 2008 11:41:34 GMT
God what a pain in the arse Im being today, Im so sorry I need to say how I feel though now while I have chance, might notbe able to get on here later . Heres how I feel: I want to bang my head with a sledgehammer I want to burn myself until the skin is raw I want to scratch at my arms and legs with pins I wantto cut into my skin until gaping I want to stick needle through my hand like I used to I want to hit a wall/door/myself but cant cause nearly broke it last time and I need my hand I want to scream and shout and curse and cry. But I cant do any of this. I do want to stay safe. Right there Ive said it, I promise that's all for now.
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Post by winegirl on Oct 26, 2008 12:02:23 GMT
Oh hun, keep yourself busy! You know where I am xxx
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Post by cheshire on Oct 26, 2008 12:03:17 GMT
Keep safe x
Thinking of you...
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Post by nixx999 on Oct 26, 2008 19:04:11 GMT
YAY TWO F***ing weeks. Thats fantastic. its like we said earlier, if you s/h because he has made you feel shit then you are gonna feel even more shit. Andits one less thing to feel guilty about ;D. Just gotta take one day at a time (what a godawful cliche that is LOL). I also think that when you do start getting some decent sleep it will help. Someone said about sleep deprevation being so terrible and i agree. No-one can function without proper sleep. Everything is so much harder to deal with. And when Miss Martha stops running rings round you hopefully that will come hand in hand. Chlo was so hard work, never slept, made me feel so inadequate. It was the hardest thing (makes me shudder to think about it now). When i read the post from the lady who has to smile at her new mums and say 'ah isnt she beautiful' made me giggle. When friends who become new mums or announce their pregnant I say all the right things, but deep down i am shuddering inside and thinking 'im so glad i never ever have to go through it again'. I loved my two babies so much but it was the hardest, lonliest job in the world and its no wonder i was as nutty as a fruitcake Things did get better (when i eventually got some sleep) but i will never forget how inadequate i felt as a mum to babies. Im great with 10 year olds and 14 year olds Im so glad you have this place to come to and talk to all the other members who are totally supporting you and looking out for you.
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Post by bean on Oct 26, 2008 20:22:16 GMT
I feel like worse mum in the world. Im getting the iron out, sorry guys but cant fight it tonight. Sorry x
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Post by winegirl on Oct 26, 2008 20:40:37 GMT
Oh babes, you can fight it! Where are you? Get on line, ring me, type an email out, just dont do it tonight babes...
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Post by bean on Oct 26, 2008 20:46:10 GMT
Hi Im still here. Not got my moby anymore with no. to text. I stupidly let martha have phone and she drooled in it and it wont work any more, took into shop and they said its knackered through "liquid damage" lol. Wont be doing that any more. Using my old one now, Ill send you no. on pm.
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Post by bean on Oct 26, 2008 20:51:59 GMT
Tried chat but noone on. Its ok dont worry, not your prob babe. Thanks for your thoughts though, mean a lot. Luv Tina x
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Post by winegirl on Oct 27, 2008 11:00:33 GMT
Mate, my bloody laptop died! Sent you a pm this morning. I am such a dick, i would normally jump on the pc but it has avirus and not working...
You ok this morning? Let me know when you have 5..
Thinking of you
WG xxx
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Post by bean on Oct 27, 2008 18:01:33 GMT
Yeah Im ok thanks. Pretty intense session with therapist today as you can imagine, was VERY honest with her about my feelings and actually cried (just a little) in front of her. She also said how I look like Ive lost loads of weight but I disagree, I feel fat again, got huge hug though which made me feel really safe and I told her so.
Feel drained but s/h urges are really strong still want to fight but dont know if have the strength, easier for release. Thought SERIOUSLY about taking my life last night and feel really bad about this I know they need me though I dont be3lieve this sometimes.
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Post by Jay on Oct 27, 2008 19:19:40 GMT
Hi Bean
I am so sorry that you feel so bad. Please be strong and keep safe.
I mainly just wanted to send you a HUG and to send my love.
Take care, Jay xx
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Post by winegirl on Oct 27, 2008 20:48:31 GMT
Hey you
I am glad it went well today and well done on being so honest! I know it is hard..
You have been doing really well with the self harm hun, and I am sorry about how you felt last night, it is important to remember how special and loved you are, and that is why you are needed here.
Sending you all my love
WG xx
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Post by bean on Oct 28, 2008 8:43:07 GMT
Heads in bits, got some serious thinking and decision making to be done. I dont want to be the one who ruins everything is it better for me just to "grin and bear it". Just trying to gather the courage for today, taking Joe for his flu jab at 10.20 so all have to march down to doctors (event in itself), then promised kids I would take them to halloween costume making session at childrens centre (want me to make you one hopeful?). I told them about it last week so it would be a challenge and I know once they know about it I cant back out but now Im bricking it. Just hope I can keep it together while Im there, and not too many people oh god why did I mention it. Need to get my arse in gear and just do it.
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Post by winegirl on Oct 28, 2008 14:22:39 GMT
How did it go babes??
WG x
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Post by bean on Oct 28, 2008 20:10:49 GMT
Well got us all to the docs on time & Joe was ok with his jab. Went to get something for tea though and R hadnt put my card back in purse so had £1 to my name. Ten minutes before we were due to leave for childrens centre I didnt want to go, any excuse, I said cause the house was mess and the kids hadnt helped me but they were upset so I forced myself. Really packed so managed to get them doing something then vanished to the kitched for coffee on the pretence of feeding martha. Anyway kids enjoyed it and I managed to stay till the end, Dan made a cape and Joe a bat mask, Martha just made a mess for a change. Support workers were there and had a little chat (should have kept my gob shut though), they are really nice and want us to go to the party on Friday, so Martha is going to be a spider, Joe a skeleton and Count Dan, should be fun as long as I can deal with crowds. Still feeling v low and achy tonight, think Ive got another ear infection (should start charging that bacteria rent - Id make a fortune). Going to try and get bath and early night cause Im freezing. No self harm today!
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