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Post by winegirl on Oct 22, 2009 18:48:34 GMT
You are a pain for lying to me telling me you are ok when you are not. You should have said!! You about tonight for a catch up??
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Post by bean on Oct 22, 2009 21:33:46 GMT
Im sorry mate, really I am. Didnt want to lie to you but you have so much on your plate at the mo and didnt want to worry you, especially after what i told you the other day, which has set off big alarm bells in my head. ?? I was doing my college work the other night and looking at all the sections id competed, in each one are the pages to refer to and i suddenly thought, interesting, the fullest section where i had done more references to than any other was the barriers to own development. I cant do much at the moment about the external barriers eg. finance and family commitments etc, but i realised that the biggest barrier of all is me. Im trying to change a life script here and its so damn difficult, i mean how, can i ever be a success, happy, confident, content, when its a different script. Telling you what i did the other day, and then lying to you about whether im ok or not, its the same old script, lying, hiding, and in some sort of way protecting. The new script would be allowing myself to reach out when i need it and talk when i need to, and realise that some things cant just be ignored and they will just go away, denial can be dangerous, both physically and mentally and i see this, just seeing it though isnt enough. I will be ok and im sorry for pissing you about my friend, i value our friendship so much and wouldnt want to upset you for anything. Hugs Tina x
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Post by winegirl on Oct 22, 2009 22:37:46 GMT
Firstly, you need to STOP apologising! I know exactly why you have been telling me you are fine, I know full well you do it as a friend to protect me as you worry about me too. This is nothing to apologise about!
But yes, you do need to learn to reach out. You know I would always talk to you when I could and be there for you. And that goes for everyone here, we would all want to be here for you.
You couldnt upset me if you tried! Well, unless you became prime minister and banned alcohol and fags, then you probably would succeed! But seriously, you need to be thinking of yourself in times of nees and what you need for you, and not worry about others.
Love ya mate xxx
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Post by bean on Oct 24, 2009 9:06:02 GMT
Hey Well im losing the will here, nearly came on here during night when martha was up and joe was too, wanting to change beds (hes been sleeping in dans room cause of martha), but couldnt be arsed. If you read this, Monica, looks like you had ngiht of it too by the times of your posting (either that or you wet the bed lol). Im shattered and got loads to do but first lots and lots and lots of tea needed.
BTW Im cooking steak tonight - any ideas for tasty cooking? Im trying my best to make an effort and did lovely pasta bake last night, just not sure how long or hows best way to cook steak tho .
back later to offload, when im full of caffeine. xx
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Post by winegirl on Oct 24, 2009 15:47:51 GMT
ill keep my fingers crossed for your steak if you keep your fingers, legs and eyes crossed for my curry? LOL
Will catch up with you in a bit for the outcomes!
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Post by bean on Oct 24, 2009 17:39:34 GMT
If we're still alive!! let u know xx
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WG cant be bothered to logon
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Post by WG cant be bothered to logon on Oct 24, 2009 17:42:39 GMT
well im 5 glasses of vino in.. hows you? Still vertical?
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Post by stevensmummy on Oct 27, 2009 12:53:08 GMT
Hi luv,
Dont really have time to totally catch up with uor goings on but I will in time. I just wanted to send my luv as i know you are struggling with Martha just now.
I'll be back (arnie style - but hopefully a lot better looking than him lol)
xxxx
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Post by bean on Nov 2, 2009 10:45:36 GMT
Hey New week!!! Managed to get to school this morning ok, but ive rang gp to see if i can have appt - my doctor is fully booked this week so im seeing someone else tomorrow night, which is good cause she might give me some more diazepam, i need it, the anxiety is crippling and i need to be able to get to college ok without panic attack.
Cant believe only two more weeks left. Also cant believe that if i had done the course at the uni (got their prospectus and registration form through friday), according to their guidelines for funding etc, on our family income of less than £16,500 - i would have got the course for FREE!!! I rang and spoke to them on friday about getting on the level two there which starts in jan but its still fully subscribed but i did find out that there are only 6 on the waiting list if any places became available, and some of these are wanting to do the level 1 and 2, so cause im already doing my 1, i have more chance of getting on the 2, as long as a place becomes available - im not holding my breath but im gonna fill in the form today and send a covering letter with it stating my case - so fingers crossed.
So as most of you will already know from f/b - dan got back friday - WITH HIS BLACK BELT Yay!!! We are so proud ofhim. We all went out for a celebration meal with my mum, dad and nephews on friday and dan polished off an 8oz steak lol - must have found an appetite at butlins.
Martha still getting up during the night and i still look like that troll off merlin on saturday!!
My dad had a bit of a go at me friday when we were in the pub for our meal, saying im too skinny, i just told him its from the swine flu and still trying to build myself up - note to self : dont wear short sleeves around dad again for a while!!
bean xx
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Post by bean on Nov 3, 2009 9:39:10 GMT
Not feeling good today, keep having waves of panic and didnt make it to school, Dan took Joe, as soon as they left i burst into tears. I dont know whats wrong i feel very sad and every time i look at martha im getting a lump in my throat.
Went through my coursework last night and wrote some extra evidence - all boxes ticked now apart from the last two sections that we havent covered yet. I had to get it done cause R wants me typing up his nvq stuff for him.
I think the not sleeping is not helping, I managed to get martha settled when she woke around 11 but the next time she wouldnt and was wailing banshee again. Was trying to remember the last time i had a full nights sleep and i think it was one night when i was really poorly with swine flu few weeks ago - R helped out.
I think this time of year doesnt help either, dans birthday at weekend and marthas in a month. Dont know why thats relevant at all. Also November was when i was attacked at 14.
I feel like i need some help cause im home alone with martha today and i want to stop crying but i cant, even now, can hardly see the screen. Feel so very low and despondent and i know what happens when i go down, will start thinking about the s/h and have ironing to do later. Sorry, just me being stupid. x
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cazfletchernotloggedin
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Post by cazfletchernotloggedin on Nov 3, 2009 10:22:20 GMT
oh Beany youre not alone m8, we are all here for you hun, so keep coming back for support coz we're giving it out in buckets x
firstly, i want to say how proud i am of you, you have come so very far and must be exhausted from it all. secondly, this time of year is a huge trigger for you. the birthdays probably coz you unconsciously associate these with being very ill, and the attack too is incredibly raw for you.
personally i'd leave the ironing. can anything just be hung straight up? thinking of you x
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Post by monica on Nov 3, 2009 10:52:41 GMT
Hi
Sorry I've disappeared off the face of the earth since seeing you - just nearly finished a long run at work and am exhausted. Any spare time goes on sorting out kids' stuff.
Oh petal - sorry this isnt' a good time for you. AS CAz said Nov is a busy month with bdays and memories so that's bound to have an effect especially if you dont' feel you're getting the suport you need from R. I've also found the clocks changing has an impact on SAD with it being darker for longer.
Men - it's funny how there's always money for booze!!!
Maybe take Martha for a walk round the block - it's hard but a bit of fresh air might perk you up a bit.
Will try and call tonight.
Love
Monica
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Post by winegirl on Nov 3, 2009 14:14:33 GMT
Im at home this afternoon - you about and i can ring you??
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Post by bean on Nov 3, 2009 21:31:18 GMT
Thanks you guys, your support means a lot. I do feel im letting you down though, im so full of shit its unbelievable. I can feel for others so much and want to encourage them to do the right thing and ask for the help and look after themselves but im ignoring my own advice.
Went to Doctors tonight, broke down, told her im struggling with anxiety and sleep and asked for more diazepam and zopiclone, she said not the answer as theya re highly addictive and only short term, she wanted to put me back on a/ds but i told her no, been there, done that! Told her i had only started to recover after taking myself off them a year ago when i was harming badly, she asked when the last time was and am i having thoughts, i said i was but hadnt acted on it today when i wanted to. She now wants to refer me to see my shrink again, i said its not necessary and i know what to do about the s/h, but im just having a dip. She said she would give me a week supply on the condition that i let her refer me so i agreed, i will just ring and explain to shrink that i dont need appt. She weighed me, ive lost nearly a stone and i said i havent been eating much, but she didnt seem concerned so that was good.
So i have my tablet to get me to college tomorrow at least. Im shattered, martha finally settled, she took a long time tonight, see how long she lasts. Thanks again beanyxx
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Emma
Email Support Volunteer
PP for 7 months after my daughter was born. She is now 4 & being her Mum is my full time passion.
Posts: 159
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Post by Emma on Nov 4, 2009 18:00:25 GMT
Hey you! Not really been following your diary, but have read enough to know you are having a tough time right now and just want to send you my love and say if you see me on Facebook in the evening, say "hello" on chat. You are not letting anybody down whatsoever and are a wonderful asset to PNI.org.uk and amazing friend to us all.
Hugs darling x x x x Emma x x x x
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