beckah
Senior Member
Posts: 350
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Post by beckah on Nov 15, 2008 21:39:02 GMT
Hi everyone
Decided to keep a diary, if only to get things off my chest and log the thoughts and feelings i've had so that when i get them again i know i've had them before if that makes sense.
Violet is now 8 months old and i honestly, somewhat naively thought that i would be on the way to being mended by now. I thought i was getting so much better and then a couple of weeks ago i began a major blip that has made me feel alot like i did when Violet was born.
OCD for me is a major part of my problem. I had awful thoughts and urges when Violet was born that would break my heart, that i would smother her in my sleep, that i would aim the hairdryer at her (but only because i was drying my hair at the time). I would always think of horrendous things but it seemed to be getting so much better.
My anxiety is awful. i get a tickling feeling in my chest, nausea, dizziness and panic as though i cant breathe. i am petrified of driving which is my main problem as i live miles from everything and everyone. It is quite controlling even though i try to control it rather than let it control me.
I went back to work last week and managed one day. I had awful panic attacks and my doctor has signed me off and referred me for CBT which i feel quite positive about. My boss is also amazing, she's a good friend who only became my line manager while i was on maternity leave, which i'm quite pleased about as my previous boss was awful. My new boss suffered quite badly with PNI herself so she understands and has told me under no uncertain terms to take as much time as i need.
Anybody feel free to leave me your thoughts etc.
xxx
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Post by tabbysmum on Nov 15, 2008 22:52:58 GMT
Hi Beckah
My daughter is now 15 months old and I've been going through it since she was 1 week old, like you I thought I would be well on the mend by now, but when you have a blip you do feel as though you're back to square one. They seem so hard to deal with after the respite. OCD is a major part of it for me too, the thoughts have been and sometimes still are horrendous, I'm going through a bit of a blip myself at the minute (details in my diary) after a couple of weeks of feeling like I'd virtually recovered. For me personally returning to work was a big help as I desperately needed the distraction from the thoughts. I too have problems with driving as my ocd revolves around bridges, i'm pretty anxious when driving alone but when I have my lo with me I'm terrified. I went through a really bad stage of having harm thoughts towards my lo about everything, like you said, could be the hairdryer, a bottle of wine, virtually anything but that has now passed and I'm down to just one or 2. The CBT will be a big help for you. When I had mine the very fact that the counsellor normalised my thoughts was what I needed to hear, she actually laughed when I asked her if I was a danger to my child! I suffered with this when I had my son 18 years ago, and it was far worse for me then, there was no support, I didn't tell anyone as I thought I was psychotic and there was no internet, I just wanted to die as I thought it was inevitable that I would harm him. It passed but I had to work hard at it. I figured out for myself that I needed to the distraction from the thoughts so set about doing anything and everything, the amound of free courses I did at college would astound you, but it did work, didn't notice at the time, just realised one day I was ok. This time round it doesn't seem so intense but it's lasted much longer. It will pass, for all of us, I know and you know what with ocd our thoughts revolve around our biggest fears and we will never act upon them, we just need to stop feeding the anxiety and break the cycle - easier said than done!
Take care flower
Love TM x
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Post by cheshire on Nov 16, 2008 18:23:56 GMT
Hi Beckah,
I know what you mean when you say you feel should be mended now. In truth, I think I reached crisis point about 8 months in, it's still early days.
I so feel for you with the anxiety problem + the driving, as these were two main issues for me
Also, I went back to work far 'too soon' and then ended being off again. This time I've been fine. Give yourself time to recover, it is an illness - although I know how hard it is for others to understand, who haven't been throughthe same.
Hang on in there and keep talking xx
Hopefulx
xxx
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Post by littlelotty on Nov 16, 2008 21:22:43 GMT
Hi Beckah
I so know what you mean too - my LO was 2 in Sept and although i was diagnosed late - this feb it has been a very hard year and still i have blips - but what i try and remember is that they are BLIPS and before i would have a bad time all day long every day it is now only every so often so that shows that you are on the way to getting better just takes time. Having a LO just makes it even harder as we have to keep going and be well enough for them as well.
I also went back to work when my LO was 6 months and i so wished i hadnt - made things so much harder. Sounds like you have a great boss and that makes all the difference, take the time you need to get better.
Hope writing a diary helps - it certainly did for me.
Take care hun
littlelotty xx
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Post by cokey on Nov 16, 2008 21:28:32 GMT
Beckah, I'm thrilled you have started a diary. Its funny because we got in touch because of the similarities in our thoughts but isnt it reasuring that so many of us have common fears such as driving and harm thoughts?
Keep talking on here and text me when you feel bad.
Cokey xx
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Post by winegirl on Nov 17, 2008 10:36:13 GMT
Hi Beckah
When I first went back to work I had the panic attacks too. Surprised I actually made it into work with the months of anxiety I had about going back. I did manage for a few months (all be it a nightmare) and then I got signed off for 6 weeks. In this time i was found the right medication and managed to be well enough to return to work and live happily ever after.
I know how hard it is and can sympathise x
Keep talking here if it helps hun x
WG xx
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beckah
Senior Member
Posts: 350
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Post by beckah on Nov 17, 2008 11:44:15 GMT
Hi everyone
Well my date for my CBT has come through for 28th of this month so that has come quicker than i thought it would. Do i tell the therapist everything about my thoughts and what they are? i still have terrible worries that they will refer me to social services and remove my baby from me. i know it's a ridiculous thought as i work for social services and know the way things work, i just don't know if i can bring myself to say it to someone other than you lot.
Still feeling panicky and got a tingling in my chest. i read a book written by the husband of a lady with pni and he said that his wife always thought she had insects in her chest when this happened and now obviously this triggered me and i have to reason with myself constantly that i haven't got insents in my chest. it drives me mad.
feel light headed and like i'm seperate from the room. i can be playing with violet and feel as if it's someone else doing it. This anxiety is truly horrendous. Just wish it would stop, i feel crap :-(
xxxx
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Post by cheshire on Nov 17, 2008 12:47:47 GMT
Hi Beckah,
Glad your CBT has come through so quickly. Yes, I would tell your therapist how it is for you - believe me, they will not be easily shocked and will help to reassure you that anxiety and depression can do this.
Having said that, you may feel you need time to build up a 'relationship' with your therapist - so play it by ear and do what you're comfortable withx
It sounds like your thinking is definitely in the anxiety loop - been there and now how awful it is. But you have an awareness and you're fighting it well - so hold onto that.
What you describe when you're playing with Violet is a bit like depersonalisation, another feature of anxiety. There are some threads on this lower down on the boards - I'll look them out.
It's all really exhausting, but you are already on your way to getting better. Keep talking and let us know how you're getting onx
Hopefulx
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Post by cokey on Nov 17, 2008 12:58:17 GMT
Hi Beckah
Its great news about your CBT. If its sepcifically CBT you are getting then you will quickly find you can say everything. Last time I had PNI I got a straight forward counsellor who wanted to refer back to my childhood - bless her - and was so shocked by my thoughts and actually told me to go get meds because she was so alarmed. This time I had CBT and my therapist was great. I told her everything and she got it. CBT people are used to it. If you read books on OCD, you will know how common it is and how nasty the thoughts can be. Your baby wont be taken away but you could start your session by saying, I am scared to say too much in case you take my baby away and then he/she may lead on to say they have heard everything.
Cokey xxx
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beckah
Senior Member
Posts: 350
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Post by beckah on Nov 17, 2008 21:52:46 GMT
Well, tonight i feel awful. Been feeling anxious all night. And feel so depressed by feeling the way i do. Things always seem so much worse when i have a bad day, i feel at the end of my tether. Have to constantly keep reminding myself of the good things i have in my life and there are so many. The only bad thing i have is PNI.
I think i need to start believing in this CBT that i have coming up. One of my problems is that the glass is always half enpty and when i have a bad day i just feel beyond help and as though nothing can help me. Tell me ladies, is this my life forever? Am i always going to suffer?
xxx
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Post by winegirl on Nov 18, 2008 8:23:55 GMT
No No and no.
Your anxiety symptoms totally match what I went through, and I never believed it could completely go away. I suffered for a long time untreated so when I was treated it took a little longer than normal - but beleive me - life is great the other side if this!
You have done really well to get a CBT appt so early! That really was quick! I have heard so many great things about CBT and am sure you will agree when you have experienced it.
The depersonalisation aspect of anxiety is crap, used to frighten the hell out of me - but it was definately one of the first symptoms to go..
How you doing this morning hun? Has the anxiety eased off at all?
WG x
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beckah
Senior Member
Posts: 350
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Post by beckah on Nov 18, 2008 8:47:58 GMT
Well when i went to bed last night i'd had such a shit day that i promised myself today would be better but i woke up and i feel awful, on the verge of a panic attack constantly, feel so dizzy and sick and tickly chest and it's horrible.
I think i'm losing the plot. I can't believe i'm saying this but i don't know how to carry on.
xxx
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Post by winegirl on Nov 18, 2008 9:16:59 GMT
Hi Beckah
Could you get in touch with your gp and ask if they can give you something? When I felt sick, dizzy, tight chested etc.. i used to take a diazepam (valium) for it, you cant get many prescriptions of it but it was like a godsend to me at my worse?
Either way call GP and say its an emergency and you need some help...
Will be around on and off all day if you need to chat x
WG xx
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beckah
Senior Member
Posts: 350
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Post by beckah on Nov 18, 2008 9:46:31 GMT
I think i am going to see my GP, what is diazepam like? Will it stop me being able to look after my daughter? i'm not really clued up on any kind of medication. When i saw my doc the other week he said that CBT was the way forward for me and not meds but i think he was talking about anti d's. Because i live in the country, i need to be able to drive so would diazepam have any side effects or anything?
Thanks for getting back to me so quickly. I just called my partner and told him i needed him to come home, i just feel to crap to be on my own. I told him to tell his boss what's wrong with me, he hasn't up until now but he is friends with his boss and she's really nice and she told him she understands as she suffered the same after her son was born. There are so many women that suffer aren't there?
I was thinking of asking my partner to take me christmas shopping or something, as i had a panic attack yesterday when i walked into the village, ended up speaking to cokey on the phone as i couldn't get in touch with anybody, just felt so isolated and alone. But now i'm scared to go out so at least if i make matt take me out then he is with me and we can easily get home if i need to. I just don't want this to control me anymore than it does already, if i can't get to grips with leaving the house then i really am nothing.
Can't believe this has just come on. I always had instrusive thoughts but they really eased when i learned to accept them and discredit them with facts but now, panic attacks and driving anxiety and everything is controlling me. I've never been scared of driving, nervous perhaps about going on the motorway back to the midlands but i think that's quite normal as i only passed my driving test last year.
We are moving back to the midlands as soon as our house is sold though so that is making me feel better. i feel guilty to uproot matt but i figure i need to think of myself a bit more, as i know it will help me get better to be around my best friend and my family.
xxxxx
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Post by winegirl on Nov 18, 2008 10:33:31 GMT
Hey Hun
Where abouts in the Midlands are you moving too?? I live in Nottingham and love it - everything is on my doorstop!
Diazepam can make you feel a bit out of it sometimes. Bot bad just a bit sort of tired I guess. But I would normally take half a tablet so the anxiety would stop and I would feel ok. They do say not to drive if you feel drowsy, but I never have. I guess everyone is different.
Def get off to see your GP. At my worst i have been know to turn up at a&E if i cant see my GP - bit OTT I know - but its worked.
Is your husband on his way home?? How you feeling now babes??
WG x
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