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Post by cokey on Nov 18, 2008 11:13:10 GMT
Hey Beckah, you are talking a lot of sense despite feeling so bad. You have taken the right steps and all you are doing is normal and we have all been there.
I agree with WG re: the diazapan, it will take the edge off. You will get through this anxiety state really quickly but the diazapan will make it far easier.
You did the right thing getting Matt to tell his boss and come home. Paul often used to get a crazed call from me and have to come home. Sadly he never told his business partner and now after what has happened to him, we wish we had because like you said so many people suffer but hide it.
Get Matt to take you the same route you went yesterday, then it wont seem so bad next time. Also buy some camomile tea, when my anxiety was at its absolute peak, like yours is now, I drank loads - tasted awful but did calm me.
This will pass Beckah. I have had PNI twice and each time the symptoms, feelings, time suffered was the same, and now (other than my current situation) I cannot believe I ever felt that bad and can easily forget it all.
As for the driving. I still can't, even after pni no.1 drive on motorways and simply refuse to, so you do better than me. My sis cant either and she never had PNI. Its a common phobia. If you could do it before, you will again but put that one to one side for now as it isnt important.
Let us know how you are.
Cokey xxx
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Post by winegirl on Nov 18, 2008 14:21:17 GMT
How you feeling this afternoon babes??
WG x
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beckah
Senior Member
Posts: 350
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Post by beckah on Nov 18, 2008 15:23:02 GMT
Well, matt came home and while Violet hada nap we curled up on the sofa together and had a little cat nap, it was lush and i felt so much more relaxed but now he has gone back out as he has a tattoo appointment (really don't know when he's going to stop, he has one every two weeks) and now i'm on my own and gotta go for a walk with Violet to the shops which is when i panicked yesterday.
Also my best friend in the midlands, i love her to bits and she is always there for me etc. but she really upset me earlier. In the summer she had a one night stand behind her partner's back and ended up getting pregnant (talk about eastenders!) and so now she is 5 months pregnant, living with her mom and single and the bloke who's baby it is doesn't want to know. So fair enough, her life is a bit shit at the minute but she told me earlier that she would love to stand in my shoes and that i need to "think positive". It was almost as if she was blaming me for having a partner and a wanted baby and that i should just pull myself together. I didn't have the energy to argue with her and didn't want to as i know it's hard for her at the moment. i guess she just doesn't understand what's PNI is all about, as much as i tell her, she is the kind of person before she was pregnant that if something was upsetting her she would just get drunk or something whereas i have always been a lot more highly strung and too much of a control freak, i mean, i haven't had a drink since before i was pregnant as after i had Violet i was too anxious of what it would do to me. Sometimes i just fancy a glass of wine as well but it scares me to death.
Anyway, rant over.
WG, i come from Wolverhampton originally so living here is a big difference. I can't wait to move back.
Cokey, how are you?
xxxx
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beckah
Senior Member
Posts: 350
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Post by beckah on Nov 18, 2008 20:22:53 GMT
Well i went to the shops and discovered that it is being outside that triggers the panic. When i was in the shops i was better. And i just went out for a cigarette and felt panicky while i was outside, oh god, please tell me i'm not agrophobic?
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Post by cokey on Nov 18, 2008 21:30:07 GMT
Hi Beckah Gosh we are so similar. I always feel better in shops (remember I told you to go in one yesterday?) - I think its because you feel there are walls. It wont last though and you wont become agoraphobic. I didnt either time Also I am the same as you with alcohol. I know some people can drink still with PNI and after but I can't, still can't. Its the control thing. Its a good thing though cos alcohol can make you morw anxious and down. Well done for today. How you doing now? Cokey xxx
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beckah
Senior Member
Posts: 350
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Post by beckah on Nov 18, 2008 22:49:27 GMT
Hi Cokey
God, what would i do if i hadn't found this website? Internet is so amazingly slow tonight, can't wait to live somewhere that actually has network!
I feel a little better tonight, Matt is taking tomorrow off work as he is off Thursday and Friday anyway. So tomorrow he is going to take me and Violet out somewhere, shopping if i have anything to do with it! But he is so understanding and knows that it is important that i realise i can do these things. Can't believe i thought about leaving him a few weeks ago, i think that was just the PNI making me think he is better off without me but god, if he wasn't in this for the long haul i think he'd have run away by now!
I'm kind of coming round to the idea that this is just a blip, it's just the anxiety has never attacked me as badly as it has these past few weeks, i didn't suffer full blown panic attacks even in the beginning, just a bit of anxiety. i guess i feel worse as i thought i was getting so much better and then this.
I spoke to my boss this morning, actually called her as i was upset, it's so nice knowing that she is there for me as a friend first and a boss second. She was great and once again told me not to worry about work. She said when she suffered, it didn't really hit her until her daughter was about 9 months and then the more people i have spoken to the more have said that they either realised they had it around the 9 months mark or had a real bad blip around this time. Any thoughts on that theory? I guess that would certainly explain things as Violet is 9 months next week. Love her, she's so lush!
Tell you what though, i really enjoyed mine and matt's cat nap this afternoon, was so nice and probably the most relaxed i've felt in months. It's mad how up and down i can be, tonight i feel good in comparison to this morning.
i hope you don't mind cokey, but i've been reading your diary to kind of compare notes. I was really interested by the theory you had about kind of feeling ok until you remember that you are ill. I kind of felt like that before i got into this horrible blip. I would be going about things as normal and then remember that i have PNI and then i would feel utterly miserable. Is that the last battle do you think? I'm hoping when i come out of this blip i can go back to that and work on fixing that mind set and hopefully get better. Perhaps that's too optimistic but lets hope so ey?
xxxx
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Post by tabbysmum on Nov 20, 2008 13:15:08 GMT
Hi Beckah
For me I've had 2 or 3 big blips with no pattern so the 9 months things doesn't really apply in my case I'm afraid. For me it's been more that things have happenned to trigger my anxiety, sometimes a news story, sometimes having to face my thoughts and then going into meltdown, but I do know that as time has gone on it's got easier. When I have a blip now it feels like the end of the world, but I know in reality that my bad days now would have been my good days a few months ago. I do think some of the OCD ithoughts I have are habit and my counsellor agrees with this. It's like some days I wake up up and the first thing I do is a quick mental scan to see how I feel, I never used to do that, would just get up, but I'm just expecting that within time these will fade, they did the first time I had it and I imagine they will again, although this time it is taking longer. Distraction really is the key, it's hard but it does work and in time you wont have to work at distracting yourself.
Take care
Love TM x
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beckah
Senior Member
Posts: 350
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Post by beckah on Nov 20, 2008 18:11:49 GMT
Hi everyone
Well the past two days have been a bit more positive. Went out yesterday down to Cabots Circus in Bristol, huge shopping centre that has just opened, it's was brilliant. i bought a Nintendo DS, thought i could do games like brain training and get the Jamie Oliver cooking guide. Then i found a relaxation game, it's just puzzles that you do and in the background it plays ocean or rainforest music. I sat playing it last night and got really relaxed and was yawning my head off so they obviously got the balance just right for that game! The other games will keep me occupied if i feel anxious or if i can't sleep.
Today i've been out with Matt and Violet. Only to the supermarket but was ok.
Still just feel really down. I forget that i was ever happy and that's hard because i can't remember how i felt before PNI as i suffered anxiety and mild depression when i was pregnant as well. Finding it hard to believe i'll ever be happy or even just average would do!
xxx
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Post by winegirl on Nov 20, 2008 20:19:01 GMT
Hey Beckah
Off the subject a bit, but I have a DS which I love!! Can you remember the name of the relaxation game?? Sounds right up my street!
You will be hapy again babes, which is much better than average! I remember thinking I would settle for ok, but found happiness at the end of it all - and I know you will do!
Hugs (())
WG xx
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beckah
Senior Member
Posts: 350
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Post by beckah on Nov 20, 2008 21:25:20 GMT
Hi WG
The game is called Zenses, there's two different one's Ocean and Rainforest. I prefer Ocean but only cos i find myself imagining i'm actually playing my DS by the sea! I also bought a crosswords game, and this should give you a laugh, i chose the easiest option and i couldn't even answer one clue! Oh and on brain training, the first time i did it, my brain age is 62 apparently!
I told my mum today about the panic attacks outside and the first thing she said was "oh god bab, you wanna be careful you don't get agoraphobic, your aunty nic had it terrible after she had simone, couldn't even walk to the garden gate". Can't believe my mum said that, she's been so good up until now but that really wasn't helpful. I feel really angry with her but i can't say anthing to her as i know it would break her heart if she thought she had added to my anxiety. God this is all so crap! I feel utterly crappy. So depressed today! Even though things have been positive the past couple of days, i just feel like crap tonight. Couldn't stop crying earlier. Matt doesn't know what to do, i don't know what to do and obviously my mum doesn't know what to do. This is so crap!
God, aren't i barrel of laughs!
xxxx
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Post by winegirl on Nov 21, 2008 8:21:58 GMT
Hey Becah
At my worst I spent months struggling to get out of the front door. But with hard work and lots of help I am now back on track with working, socialising - i will pretty much go anywhere!
I know how bloody awful it is, but as long as you are aware of it you will not get agraphobic as you know what to expect and how to handle it. x
Hope today is ok for you?
WG xx
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Post by cokey on Nov 21, 2008 14:59:26 GMT
Hey Beckah Well done you for looking for things to make you better. Buying the DS and crosswords/braintraining is a great step forward. Use it when you feel preoccupied with thoughts or panicky and whilst you may not see the difference, its baby steps and soon you wont need to do anything because you have distracted your mind enough. I am going to buy that Zenses game too. I bought my little boy a nintendo ds for xmas, so I can use it when he is at school Don't worry about your mum, if you've been reading my diary you'll know some of the awful things my mum said to me. They just dont think. Hope you are okay today. Cokey xx
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beckah
Senior Member
Posts: 350
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Post by beckah on Nov 21, 2008 19:32:33 GMT
Hi ladies
The DS game is good for distraction and great for puzzles that don't take too much thinking about, unlike the bloody crosswords one, can't believe i couldn't answer anything! It did give me a giggle though!
WG, noticed from previous posts that you're into gigs etc. Where do you go? My best mate's in a band and pre-violet i used to be out with them every weekend, right little groupie i was! Lol
Feel a bit better today, been sorting the house out as it's going on the market in the week and hoping it will sell so we can get outta here and i can hang up my wellies for good! Back to the midlands for me!
xxxx
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beckah
Senior Member
Posts: 350
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Post by beckah on Nov 24, 2008 8:29:47 GMT
Well, Violet went to Matt's mom's on Saturday night and we went out for a curry with friends. We only really went out as Matt's mom was moaning that she hadn't had Violet overnight yet, she's so competitive, it only bothers her because my mum has. Plus at the last minute she agreed to have the other three grandchildren, aged 6, 5, and 17 months, rather her than me! But i knew all we would hear about was how exhausted she was after, even though she asked to look after all 4 of her grandchildren. She's such a martyr.
Sure enough, she told us straight away that Violet had woken her up screaming at 1am. I had already called her earlier in the afternoon to say that violet had a cold and wasn't very happy and did she want to leave it until another time. i didn't really want her to go and stay there, especially when she was ill but his mum practically bullied me into it, she's a cow. Because then she throws it back in my face by moaning that she's had her awake in the night. I was fuming. Then while we were having our lunch, she asked me to take Violet out of the highchair so that Gracie could have her lunch, even though violet was about to have her lunch. Matt's sister in law was there as well and usually she is always on my side but she just let the mother in law rip me to shreds. I told Matt that Violet is not staying there again and i meant it, she's a cow. She didn't make a good impression on me when i met her and that impression has never changed! Argh!!!!
Woke up this morning feeling really anxious. Every bad thought in the world has gone through my head. Harming Violet, harming myself, that i'm crazy, that i have always been crazy. Which i know is ridiculous as i am still rational, it's just horrible being anxious and i know it's just cos matt's been off work for nearly a week and this is my first day alone with Violet.
xxxx
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Post by winegirl on Nov 24, 2008 8:45:36 GMT
Hi Hun
You are right, your MIL is a cow. And I think it is all the upset with her this weekend that has triggered your anxiety off this morning.
So sorry that you have put up with this this weekend... What are you doing today? Do you have any plans to keep you guys busy??
WG x
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