beckah
Senior Member
Posts: 350
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Post by beckah on Jan 12, 2009 9:56:37 GMT
Hi Cokey
I'm a bit better this morning, just keep having little bursts of anxiety throughout the day, feel lightheaded, can't breathe properly. Hate it. The suicide OCD is better, but was really crap on Saturday. I think because i felt down as well i couldn't stop crying so then i started to doubt that i wouldn't do it. I dunno, i just wanna be better, PNI is crap!
How are you?
xxxxx
PS i stole your status on facebook, hope you don't mind!
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Post by winegirl on Jan 12, 2009 17:44:18 GMT
oooh you on FB?? Add me!
How you feeling tonight? The anxiety calmed down at all? Mine always used to ease off a bit in the evenings...
Hope you are ok x
WG xx
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beckah
Senior Member
Posts: 350
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Post by beckah on Jan 12, 2009 19:57:54 GMT
Hi WG
Yeah, i've calmed down a bit, still feel a bit anxious but no more than usual, it's crap! I'll add you on facebook, i'll find you on cokey's profile and add you.
Matt and I are lots better the past couple of days so here's hoping it stays this way ey?
xxxx
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Post by winegirl on Jan 12, 2009 22:38:20 GMT
Got ya on FB babes x
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beckah
Senior Member
Posts: 350
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Post by beckah on Jan 13, 2009 10:53:35 GMT
Feel like shit today, woken up really anxious and restless and the milk's gone off so i can't have my sweet tea :-( Gotta wait until Violet gets up from her nap before i can go to the shop.
I feel shattered and dizzy and just generally really unwell today.
Got alot on my mind though that i think i should get off my chest. Exes mom is still very ill and it's just a matter of waiting for her to go now which is really shit. Ex is confused, upset etc. which is understandable but he sent me a long email last night basically saying that he didn't want anything to do with me anymore. He said it in a nice way but basically said that he thinks too much of me and that it is confusing him because when he sees me he feels like it always was and then i have to go back home to Matt. Plus he has been texting me a lot and talking to me online alot and i have just assumed it was mainly because of everything that's happening with his mum and that he needed someone to talk to but it seems there were other reasons as well. I made the mistake of telling him things weren't great with Matt and I and he seemed to read too much into everything. Now i'm really gutted, just feel shit that he feels he has to cut me out when he needs me the most. It's so horrible because i really care about him and obviously everything he is saying is confusing me with the situation i'm in, but i know i'm only reacting to the things he's saying and not because i actually feel anything other than friendly towards him. Argh, i'm so confused, i can't even get my words out properly! All i know is when i read what he was saying i was gutted to think that i am hurting him just by existing, that not a nice bit of information to receive!
I think this is why i feel so anxious, i've got that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach and i could just cry at the click of my fingers.
how is everyone anyway?
xxxx
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Post by nicola1712 on Jan 13, 2009 11:16:41 GMT
Wow - no wonder you are feeling confused - you were just being a really good friend but he was feeling other things - probably because he is vulnerable at the moment with what is happening to his mum etc. You are both in emotional states so probably not thinking straight really. Perhaps you could just explain to him that you are happy to be just his friend and will be there if and when he wants to talk to you but that you understand he is a bit mixed up at the moment.
Feeling shit today too - am working this afternoon and not looking forward to it.
Hope you have a better rest of day....
xx
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beckah
Senior Member
Posts: 350
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Post by beckah on Jan 13, 2009 11:22:14 GMT
Hi Nicola
Well after i read his email i called him and asked him whether we could still be friends and he said yes, that i know where he is if i need him but that he doesn't want to be in touch with me a lot. It's fair i suppose but just crap all the same.
Sorry you're feeling shit, it's crap innit? I'm at a loss now, never really know what to say about the whole thing, the only way i've been able to explain this illness lately is just CRAP! Lol
xxxx
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Post by cokey on Jan 13, 2009 13:52:49 GMT
its the pits isn't it, but no-one knows how bad it is unless they have had it. I am glad to be coming out of the other side but its hell on earth for those in the throes of it.
keep being strong despite anything going on around you and one day your life will be far richer than anyone's who hasn't had this illness, trust me.
Cokey xx
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Post by winegirl on Jan 13, 2009 18:16:29 GMT
You have to remember Beckah that you have all these added external stresses at the mo on top of PNI - and that you are doing sooo well considering!!
Hows things this evening mate?
WG xx
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beckah
Senior Member
Posts: 350
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Post by beckah on Jan 13, 2009 18:26:47 GMT
Hi WG
I'm ok, gota terrible headache and feel really crap but i haven't eaten anything today. I know i should but when i'm anxious i just can't face anything.
Ex's brother text me earlier asking if i was still planning on going to midlands tomorrow and would i go to the hospice to see his mum. I of course said yes, i assume ex was behind the text as his brother has never ever text. Kind of pathetic getting his brother to text me, but i don't know what's going on in his head so i didn't say anthing.
I hope i can go to the midlands tomorrow, feel really crap today which means even if i'm not anxious then i'll be knackered tomorrow but i really need to make the effort. Plus i've gotta go and look at a nursery for Violet for when i go back to work up there, so tomorrow i think anxiety levels will be ridiculous and i'll be away from the computer as well so won't be able to share it! Slightly worried.
Just feel generally pretty crap. Gonna have a soak in the bath later i think, see if i can't relax a bit.
How was your 2nd day?
xxxxx
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Post by winegirl on Jan 13, 2009 18:37:30 GMT
Awwww Beckah - will be thinking of you tomorrow. Its a huge day!! Make yourself a deal that when you get back tomorrow night you will treat yourself to a nice takeaway and a glass of wine, might help to think about that during the day. Oh and the fabulous banter you can have on here when you get back! Will update my diary shortly about today. Just lots of walking really and injections etc... Hope you enjoy your bath mate. In fact, might join you! (not LITERALLY of course! LOL) Love WG x
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Post by cokey on Jan 13, 2009 18:51:30 GMT
Oh Beckah, take it easy - try and put yourself first sometimes, you do a lot for others xx good idea about the takeaway and wine wg xx
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Post by nicola1712 on Jan 13, 2009 20:05:16 GMT
Hope it goes ok tomorrow hun - defo relax in the evening. Try not to stress (easier said than done I know) - these things are usually all ok in the end...
xx
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Post by cokey on Jan 15, 2009 10:22:12 GMT
How did your trip go Beckah? How are you? xx
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beckah
Senior Member
Posts: 350
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Post by beckah on Jan 15, 2009 18:43:30 GMT
Hi ladies
Well, i'm only just back from my trip to the midlands. I decided to stay overnight and see how i get on as when i go back to work i'll be staying one night over at my mums.
The day started well, i drove to the midlands, minimal anxiety and then i had a day of.... Taking my best mate to do someone's hair (she's a mobile hairdresser but her car's been nicked oops!) Then went to visit the nursery, then went to view a house we're looking at, then to matalan, then popped in on a friend, then to hospice, then to chinese takeaway and back to mum's. Needless to say i was useless lastnight. Was emotionally and physically drained but my best mate and i watched sex and the city and ate chinese food.
I went to bed about midnight and could not sleep, was getting that whole body shaking thing, can't breathe, pains in the chest, can't seem to get to sleep for love nor money. So i got back up and when my mum woke in the night and saw that i wasn't in bed she got up and had a cuppa with me. I didn't get to sleep until 5.30am and mum's work alarm went off at 6.30 which woke violet up so an hour sleep all night didn't give me much faith in myself being able to stay at mum's house. I can never sleep there, every time i try. Doesn't make much sense, i lived there all my life.
So today, my friend came round and sat with me all day and it was nice to catch up, plus she's in love with my daughter and is only too happy to help so that was good as i was useless. Tonight i have driven half way home and Matt and his friend met me just off the motorway and matt drove the rest of the way back which was lovely of both him and his friend. Good job i'm looking at matt in a lovely light as it doesn't appear i could move to my mum's unless i fancied never sleeping!
To top all of this off, my one friend called me yesterday and was on the phone for over an hour in tears as her key child she cares for in her job had died (she works at a residential home for kids with severe learning disabilities) who she'd cared for for 4 years. So she was in a mess and is suffering.
And, another friend who had a little girl in September called to say she didn't know what was wrong with her, has been having terrible visions of horrible things happening to her baby, thinks people will hurt her, hates anyone if they so much as look at her baby including friends and family. I tried to reassure her as best as i could and she had someone from docs going to see her today and they have diagnosed PNI and are getting back in touch with some info on things they can do to help. I think alot of what she said made me anxious but i felt as though i dealt with it quite well (until the sleepless night of course but then i expected that and don't think the two were too much related).
So, yes, that's what's happened with me the past two days...
zzzzzzzzz
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