ingleby
Full member
My son is aged 3 years in July. Offically diagnosed with PNI when he was six months old.
Posts: 84
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Post by ingleby on Mar 31, 2009 22:19:18 GMT
Hi Winegirl, I found out today and I got the job!!!! ;D ;D ;D I'm so happy!!! ;D ;D ;D It is exactly the work I want to go into. She rang and said they were really impressed with me at the interview and I'm seem a really thoughtful person!!! So now just trying to arrange childcare for LO!!! They are going to send me a letter with my start date. I don't know how I'm going to fit my own therapy around working full-time, but I'll manage somehow!!! I really think getting back to work is the best thing for me. I do love spending time with LO but I just can't be a full-time mum. Apart from hating having no money and not feeling equal in the household. I get so bloody bored with the same conversation all day, every day at baby groups!!! Sorry not slagging off mums who enjoy it but I just can't cope with it any more, need adult conversation!!! I think the meds are definitely starting to work. Although it could be circumstances as well. The anxiety is a lot better. I'm mostly OK now with going out and driving. I just wish the side-effects of the meds would ease off. I still feel really dizzy and sick most of the day. At the hospital in the morning having my scan finally!!! I'm a bit scared at what they might find and hope it isn't going to affect me taking this job!!! I would be so gutted!!! Yea I understand my mum is only saying things because she cares (I think, is hard to tell with her) but she could have worded it a bit better!!! She would be a terrible counsellor!!! I'd better go to bed. Am still working on getting to bed at a reasonable time!!!
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ingleby
Full member
My son is aged 3 years in July. Offically diagnosed with PNI when he was six months old.
Posts: 84
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Post by ingleby on Apr 1, 2009 22:12:48 GMT
So I wasn't too happy about the scan. She literally looked for about 30 seconds, after pushing on me making me sore and said it is all normal!!! Well at least she said there isn't any scar tissue, but they can't see any cause for the pain I'm having. And there definitely isn't another baby in there thankfully, so the pregnancy flutters are all in my head!!! I was hoping the scan would show what was wrong and then they could treat it and I'd be OK, but no it's never that simple!!! I got my appointment through to see consultant for a follow up finally, is on 12th May. So they will be looking at what is causing the pain and at my pelvis.
I've been really dizzy today. Went to supermarket after got back from hospital and seeing my aunty. I had to hold onto BF as couldn't walk straight, kept bumping into people. It was like been really drunk!!! I daren't touch alcohol again after last week and how ill I was!!! I think it is the meds, but not sure as hadn't taken them today yet at that point!!! But I'd had nothing to eat yet so that doesn't help. I just have no interest in food at the minute, which is great for my diet!!! Had a few comments on how slim I'm looking, shame I keep passing out cos hardly eating though!!! Is so not like me usually can't get food down my face fast enough.
Trying to sort out childcare for LO is turning into a nightmare. With this job I'll be working earlies 7.30 - 3pm, lates 2pm - 9pm and nights 9pm - 8am. Is random allocation of shifts, except have to do two weeks of night shifts a month, which are 4 nights one week and 3 the next. My BF works 8 - 5 hours, has to leave house at 7am to get to work and is back by 5.30pm. So we can't work the childcare around my shifts are they are so unpredictable, so have to base it on his hours. Which means LO been in nursery essentially all week. As I don't know how flexible nurseries are with times you can drop off and pick up and if they will charge by the hour. My Homestart volunteer said would be better with a child minder for being more flexible. But I don't want LO to get attached to a child minder!!! I would get jealous!!! I know that sounds silly but it's how I feel and so would prefer he went in a nursery. The one near us is £144 per week for full time, plus he gets all his meals and snacks. Whether we can really afford that is debatable but there isn't really any other choice. I'm going to ask at the children's centre tomorrow if they can advise us on what would be best. It's all new to me!!! Really want to get back to work though, so will just have to afford it somehow!!! It's my mum's fault, she was gonna look after LO but now has decided doesn't agree with me going back to work!!!
Oh am so tired LO woke up at 3am wanting milk and wouldn't settle cos wanted to use me as a dummy. Spoke to HV about cutting down his feeds to 3 a day and have to be more strict with him!!! Keep giving in and just letting him have it when he wants but HV said can't do that is want to try and fit feeding round work. He can have three feeds a day now, then cut him down to two feeds for when I start new job. Want to try and keep feeding him till he's a year old then stop altogether. So we are now being now strict with him including when he wakes in the night!!! I'll believe it when I see it!!! When he is screaming and it is only thing that gets him back to sleep!!!
Got a busy day tomorrow. Swimming with LO in the morning, me-time (going for lunch at golf club - very posh!!!) and starting my treatment with the chiropractor!!! Starting to get really tired now was up early to get to hospital and didn't get much sleep last night. Going to try and go to bed soonish. I'm struggling more and more with the relaxation CD. It really worked at first, now I find it causes more harm then good with bringing up repressed memories and I've started waking up in the night again. Hoping will be able to settle again. Excited about starting my new job and worried about the dizziness!!!
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beckah
Senior Member
Posts: 350
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Post by beckah on Apr 1, 2009 23:20:24 GMT
Hi mate
So pleased about the job, that's amazing news and is obviously giving you something really positive to focus on.
As for the nursery thing, well, aren't they just so expensive?! My understanding is that they charge by the session, most of the ones round by me do. So the smallest amount you'd pay for are half days. But they are a pain in the arse in that you still have to pay for the place even if LO isn't there, to secure the place. It is expensive, try giving tax credits a call to see if you qualify for any help with the childcare costs, but to be honest with two incomes it's doubtful as i think the threshold is 30k or something like that. But worth a try all the same, you never know.
Hope you have a good day tomorrow, gonna catch up with my diary now xxxx
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Post by sianyc on Apr 3, 2009 12:40:18 GMT
Congratulations on your new job!!!
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beckah
Senior Member
Posts: 350
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Post by beckah on Apr 8, 2009 11:03:00 GMT
How are you love, not heard from you in a while? xxx
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ingleby
Full member
My son is aged 3 years in July. Offically diagnosed with PNI when he was six months old.
Posts: 84
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Post by ingleby on Apr 10, 2009 23:03:14 GMT
Hello,
Not been on here in a while!!! Don't know why really, psychologist says it's about me trying to normalise things, denial more like!!! Had up and down days. Guess cos I've been having up days have not come on here as much hoping I would not have down days, but it didn't work!!! Found things have improved since taking the meds, although the side effects are killing me!!! The dizziness seems to have worn off now, but keep sleeping loads and still wake up feeling tired all the time!!! Started my counselling with Rape Crisis which I'm gonna have to stop now as my psychologist doesn't want me seeing any other therapists whilst working with her!!! She is hardcore!!! But think she is going to be able to help me and I really need to get control again. The flashbacks and nightmares are still bad. I manage to sleep using the relaxation sleep tape, otherwise I can't sleep.
Been doing a lot of work with my voluntary work, training new volunteers so keeping busy. Got my first pack through for starting my masters so is all go!!! Still not got my new job start date through yet. That could be a good thing though as I've got a few hospital appointments coming up including one about having to go for some surgery. Would rather get it out of way then have to take time off a new job.
My head is just all confused at the minute with memories and flashbacks and knowing what is right and wrong!!! I'm just in a bad place. Psychologist said I shouldn't leave LO with my mum again under any circumstances. Now I feel like a bad mother for putting him in that position just cos I can't accept what happened to me was wrong and that I don't have a normal family. It wasn't like that though, I truly don't think my mum would do anything to LO. Psychologist said I can't be sure what might happen when I'm not there and it's not worth taking the risk. I know she is right as I always worry about LO when he is with my mum, so in the future he is going to go to the nursery or the childminder.
Better go to bed soon as gotta be up early tomorrow, doing more training.
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Post by winegirl on Apr 12, 2009 15:09:25 GMT
Hi Hun
God you are full on at the moment! Dont forget to put your superwoman cape down from time to time though hun...
I am a bit confused and have been going through old posts to see what the problem is woth your mother having LO? Sorry If i am being dim and looking in the worng place...
WG xx
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ingleby
Full member
My son is aged 3 years in July. Offically diagnosed with PNI when he was six months old.
Posts: 84
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Post by ingleby on Apr 19, 2009 22:54:21 GMT
Hi Winegirl,
Oh I don't think I put in it posts before but I was abused as a child, mainly by my mum and have only recently started to talk about it. Only really cos since the birth I have been unable to cope with the flashbacks and nightmares, which is all linked to when I was raped and in a sexually and physically abusive relationship when I was 19 and stuff that went on when I was a child. My mum was basically neglecting my LO when she was sup to be looking after him. Anyway it has been sorted now and LO is starting with a childminder next week, when I have my next psychologist appointment.
My head is just all over the place with trying to come to terms to admitting that stuff did go on when I was a child and the stuff that happen when I was 19. I've spent a long time blocking things out and now they are coming back to me and I'm really struggling. Doesn't help came on period for first time since birth this week so is making internal pains unbearable and SPD play up more. Plus must effect how well the meds work cos felt as bad as before started taking them!!! Got really anxious about driving again yesterday and panicking in the car, which haven't done for ages!!! Feel like have taken ten steps backwards!!!
I'm at least managing to sleep better these days. I've gone the other way now and sleep too much!!! Really struggle to get up and keep going to bed more and more early!!! Don't know what is going on really!!! Got my last counselling session with Rape Crisis tomorrow as have to stop seeing them so can see the psychologist.
Just don't feel like I'm living at the moment so depersonalised and dissociative all the time, may as well be dead!!! LO has been really poorly, which has been really distressing to see. Luckily my BF has been off work for two weeks so he'd been helping out, but he's back at work tomorrow.
Yea have got quite a lot on at moment. Finished training new volunteers so will have bit more spare time, ha if you ever have that with a LO to look after!!! Still not heard about when start my new job. Gotta go to hospital on Friday for a horrible exam to look at what is causing anal fissure not looking forward to that at all!!!
Best go to bed now, gotta be up early to get over to city for counselling.
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Post by winegirl on Apr 24, 2009 21:04:51 GMT
Hi Hun
I am really really sorry if me asking about your mum has not helped with your flashbacks! I never thought!! Many of us find that PNI brings up things we had try to leave in the past. I think it plays on our worst fears and insecurities...
Know what you mean about the depersonalisation, it is awful. It was ages before i knew that that is what they called what was happening to me. But it was one of the first PNI symptoms to go for me also...
How have you been the last few days??
WG xx
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ingleby
Full member
My son is aged 3 years in July. Offically diagnosed with PNI when he was six months old.
Posts: 84
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Post by ingleby on Apr 26, 2009 22:12:26 GMT
Hi Winegirl,
Oh I don't want you to think that anything you have said could have made any difference to how much I have flashbacks!!! Honestly I'm just really struggling at the minute, it's good to have some support. Just finding it difficult to come on here cos means having to face up to my feelings and am quite in denial. Really feel like meds not working anymore, but still bleeding so waiting to see if meds kick in again when hormones hopefully calm down.
Really got bad health problems still as well. Went to hospital for appointment about the anal fissure and having an exam to investigate why it's not healing and is getting worse. But consultant said is to bad to do exam while I'm awake so going to send another appointment to do exam while asleep and do a procedure at same time. SPD has been a lot better since seeing the chiropractor so at least have some good news. Also seeing pilates teacher on a individual basis to try and help realign my twisted pelvis.
Still having bad nightmares and flashbacks. Had a really bad day yesterday cos went on a course about ritual abuse for my voluntary work, brought up some memories. Got my next appointment with psychologist on Wed but to be honest it makes things worse. CPN said things will get worse before get better though that's how therapy works!!! Just getting on with daily life really what else can you do!!!
Going to PND group tomorrow which I find helpful so is something to look forward to. Waiting to hear about start date for new job still but said will be two months, so making the most of trying to get some rest in the meantime. Best go to bed now up early to go over to the city tomorrow.
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ingleby
Full member
My son is aged 3 years in July. Offically diagnosed with PNI when he was six months old.
Posts: 84
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Post by ingleby on Apr 27, 2009 22:03:40 GMT
Feel good about what did today. Look North came and did a feature on PNI and had some footage of House Of Light, the PND support group I go to. So I agreed to be filmed and let LO be filmed too. I think it's really important to raise awareness about PNI, to help get better support for sufferers and stop the label of 'mental illness' been associated with the us vs them attitudes!!! I really believe in you can't complain about the way things are if your not willing to do something to try and make a difference!!! So am feeling pretty chuffed with myself!!! Makes a change coming on here and having something good to write about!
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Post by winegirl on Apr 28, 2009 18:53:49 GMT
Oh pants i missed it! Wonder if i can rewatch it on line??
If you dont mind me asking.. how did you go about getting your SPD treated? I have had it since i was pregnant and my LO will be 3 in two weeks and I am still suffering! The bit that gets me is in teh night when you cant sleep because of it. Would love to know how you went about getting help for it??
Well done on talking to the beeb.. i did something similar a couple of years ago and felt really good for it. You still feeling positive?
Hope today has been ok for you and i will let you know if i find a link to the Look North programme x
Take Care
WG xx
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ingleby
Full member
My son is aged 3 years in July. Offically diagnosed with PNI when he was six months old.
Posts: 84
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Post by ingleby on Apr 28, 2009 21:12:51 GMT
Hi Winegirl,
Yea you can watch it online. I put the link in the media section or I put it on facebook as well.
To be honest the SPD is the same mostly!!! I see the chiropractor and she does deep tissue massage,but this is on my legs and hips. This is due to damage from having to adapt how I walk because of the pain from the SPD. I'm currently trying to stop wearing the support belt I've become dependent on and be aware of trying to walk properly, instead of like a robot!!! I'm a lot better then I was cos it was getting scary how little I could do, walking was getting really difficult. I still can't do anything that involves having my legs apart. Driving is really difficult and painful. I know what you mean about on a night, I still lie on my back with pillow under legs to try and support pelvis. Can't lie on side at all!!! I have a twisted pelvis as well though, which am trying to realign through pilates but it isn't working. My physio says she can't do any more for me, so she is writing to the gynaecologist to recommend referring me over to muscular skeletal people. So don't know what that will involve!!! Really all I have found that helps is that I've had to accept the fact that I just can't do things I use to be able to. I still try to do things though. Yesterday took LO to one of these indoor adventure places and wanted to take him on the slides. It was agony climbing up, but I don't want him to miss out on things because of my stuff!!!
Yea mostly trying to stay positive, found it difficult with the weather been crap today so could only go out for short walks. Got my psychologist appointment today which I struggle with afterwards. Gotta drive quite far to get there as well so means get physical pain!!! After see her my head is all muddled and swimming, then have to get in car and drive to pick up LO. Last time BF came with me and drove cos he was off work on holiday, so this will be first time done it on my own!!! Will let you know how I get on!!!
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Post by winegirl on Apr 29, 2009 11:50:54 GMT
Hey Hun
Yeah I found the link after i posted here..oopss.
Thanks fo rthe info on the SPD hun, I have just sort of learned to put up with it, but it doesnt make it any leass painful. Might make appt to see someone about it soon...
How did you get on today then??
WG xx
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ingleby
Full member
My son is aged 3 years in July. Offically diagnosed with PNI when he was six months old.
Posts: 84
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Post by ingleby on Apr 29, 2009 21:12:08 GMT
I've actually had a good day today!!! I wish I knew what the secret was!!! I've felt crap for two weeks and then today have been fine!!! Drove over to see psychologist without incident and found session productive! For some reason I was able to be more objective about it today. I could see that her challenging isn't necessary an attack on me, more trying to get me to see things from a different point of view! She actually acknowledge that it isn't surprising that my head is so muddled and confused, with all the mixed messages I've got from my family! She said I need to try and think of one thing in my life which I know to be true and right. That for me is that I want to get better to be the best mum possible for LO, he is the most important thing in my life. When I got in the car to drive back and starting to feel the anxiety creeping in, I just thought NO LO needs me now to be a strong person for him and I started the car and was fine! I know that sounds like a simple solution but I really didn't think of doing it before, I was too caught up in the anxiety. I mean I still had thoughts all the way home, but just didn't entertain them like usually would. She said I shouldn't up my meds, which I was thinking of doing cos that is about me trying to block stuff out again with having to cut down my drinking. Replacing alcohol with anti-depressants isn't the answer, not long-term anyway. I know she is right, but it is still difficult!!! I think I need to be more goal focused rather then dwelling on the past and over thinking things. Now I have a place to be able to do that, my sessions with the psychologist, hopefully I can stop my past from controlling the here and now!!! I really want to understand what has happened to me and come to terms with it and then move on. I know I sound all positive and determined now. Hope it lasts!!!
I still think it is worth you seeing someone about it though Winegirl. The chiropractor is good and she is working on trying to help with the SPD, it's just I have so many other problems she has to focus on them first. You could at least see your GP and get referred to a physio, if you haven't already tried this? I'll keep you updated on my progress through the trials of the NHS system and let you know who actually helps with the SPD! It takes so long to see the right person for the right treatment!
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