Mnfmums Diary

[mnfmum]

Hi everyone

Well I don't know why but today just seems like the right day to start writing a diary!. Up until this last week I had been feeling quite a bit better, still tortured with my feelings of unreality which I HATE but trying to let them go. Im wondering if it could be my medication that makes me feel like this but would not dare stop taking it just yet to find out. It has definately had some good effects because I can sleep again and have started eating again too.

My beautiful boy is 6 months old and I hadn't had a period ( I stopped feeding him at 8 weeks and expected that one would follow soon after), anyway I had a perf uterus following a D n C at 14 weeks so thought that might sort it out. I imagined that when I finally had my period it would be like a huge hormonal release and hoped that I would feel much better. WRONG!!! I have had my period this week and have felt terrible, all my bad thoughts coming back, even though I would never act on them, really bad tempered with my husband and very tearful today. I just feel like a weirdo that will never get back to being the person I once was and that my hubbie must hate me for being like this, even though he assures me he loves me still!

I don't have any confidence and don't have any interest in romance just now, partly I think because Im terrified of becoming pregnant again, my poor poor husband eh?!?

My children are perfect, beautiful, dream children really, I feel so weak for feeling like this when I should be over the moon, everything Ive ever wanted I've got right now and yet Im in the depths of despair!!!

Sorry to rant, I just can go on!!!!!!!!

Take care all of you
xxxxx

[Victoria]

Hi, well done for deciding to start a diary. It is a positive step and helps me no end, writing stuff down in my head. Otherwise I keep it bottled up and feel like I am doing more insane than usual. I cant thank the girls for their support in my diary so I hope you see it as a positive thing too. I hear a lot of ppl can feel worse when they have their period so you are not alone there. I cant comment as I dont have them as am on the Depo injection. Altho not having anymore as convinced that was the trigger for my depression coming out. DOnt feel bad about how you feel, as others have reassured me, it is an illness and you cannot help it. Your husband sounds like is being supportive? As for romance? What is that?? lol I am the same. No interest but I think that is a combination of the meds and the illness itself. I do feel soooo guilty for hubby on that front. I dont want him to feel that I am rejecting him is that how you feel?

There is no explanation when you feel so bad, it is so horrible when you cant reason with yourself why you feel so bad. Please know that you will get through this. I feel more often than not, despair that I will never feel normal but we have to believe that we will get better, as other ppl do. Hope you find some comfort in doing your diary. xxx

[mnfmum]

Hi FSG

Yes I do feel despair tinged with hope and sometimes even excitement that I will get better. I know I have so much to look forward to, I have just got the hours I have always wanted for when I go back to work, a project to take ownership of ( so they must think I'm up to the mark eh), my children are AMAZING, my hubbie family and friends are all so supportive, I'm incredibly lucky and with all this I should get better right?!?

Don't get me wrong, I recognise that I have made some great steps forward but then feel to take a leap backwards, I never thought I would sleep again and touch wood I am doing so I'm thankful for that, I JUST WANT TO BE BETTER!!!

My poor poor hubbie thinks that it is because I don't find him attractive, that isn't the case its just I don't seem to have those feelings at all, the thought of it makes me feel anxious for some reason, plus he never comes to bed at the same time as me and we are generally woekn before 7 with our little princess so there's not much opportunity for bonding even if I did feel the need!!!

I try and remember that I have moved forwards and hang onto the hope that one day I will look back on all this and think 'now what the HELL was all that about?!?' What a lovely thought!

Big hugs
xxxxx

[Weeble]

Hi Mnfmum

And welcome to the diary section, really pleased to see you have joined us here. Your post above could be mine, I just want to be better, everyone is so good to me. Tell you poor OH he is not the only one, my poor OH who is very attractive, fit, muscular, strong and good looking is not getting much response either. A lot of the girls on here talk about it. Can I suggest you tell him how you feel that this is not issue, but to do with your PNI, and then show him affection like cuddling him, spending time talking to him about him etc etc. IN time the feelings come back and because you are not pressured it helps.

Mind you your talking to the girl who managed to accidentally get pregnant with PNI.

One of the things I only found out from the girls here is the up and down of pni, it seems different to depression, which my oh and a lot of friends have had, once they start the drugs they seem to get better while we go up and down up and down.

Hope you are having a peaceful remainder of the weekend.

Kat

p.s great to hear from you on my diary

[mnfmum]

Hi Kat

I hope that you are doing ok this morning. The thing that really does my head is this feeling of being unreal which I know I probably make worse by thinking abotu all the time. Im annoyed that I have to take tablets each and every morning, I don't normally like taking anything but dread to think what I would be like without them, at the same time thinking the tablets might cause some of how I feel, does that make sense?!?

I know I shouldn't maon about my meds because you would gladly take more to get yourself on a better track and can't just now so I'm sorry if I appear insensitive, I don't mean to!

Im cross too that everything youre willing to do to help yourself you seem to have to wait weeks and weeks for, for example I've been waiting 13 weeks now for CBT, I've started doing it on the computer and see a practitioner just to check in when I do. Similarly there is a 6-8 week wait to see a counsellor at the local Women's Centre and to be seen by the eomtional wellness team connected to the Health Visitors, silly really that all these provisions are out inplace but it always comes down to funding or lack of it!!!

My hubbie and I had a bit of a talk last night and said that were both struggling a bit because we are angry, not at eachother but because this whole thing has happened and it seems sad and such a shame to have to hurt so much. Im practicing positive thinking but sometimes I just don't seem to have the strength. I know Ill get better and indeed have made some improvements so Ill just keep on, I'm mad that having miscarried a baby last January I've had my gorgeous son and don't feel to have been able to enjoy his early months because of feeling like this, I can't even remeber some of it, good job I've taken loads of photos!!!

I'm so so sorry to go on and on and on, once I start I can't stop ranting!!! Were off out today to see the parents so that will be nice, we were in all weekend because my daughter had a tummy bug, trying to get rid of the smell of sick from her bedroom no mean feat bless her!!!

I hope that you are doing something nice and that your days have been as calm as they can be with these little ones around!!!

Take care

Lots of love

xxxxx

[monica]

Hi

Glad you've started a diary!

This illness is so frustrating. I can remember starting to recover and suddenly I was so impatient wanting to be the normal me. it will happen but the ups and downs are so common with pni - it is a rollercoaster ride. It sounds are if you are doing so well - pmt can be worse with pni.

Do try talkign to your oh about the intimacy. Lack of interest is extremely common - it's hard to feel good about it when you feel so low. Men often see this as a personal affront to their manhood and dont' realise it's not about them at all, so explaining this to him might make him understand a bit better.

Hope you daughter is feelign better - poor her. As for the sick smell - it can take a while to get rid off. I used to scrub the carpets like no tomorrow and it still would linger a bit.

take care

Monica

[butterfly]

Hi mnfmum,
Great you've started a diary. I can see a lot of simularities in the thing you write. I find it really helps to waffle on in here, gets feelings out and sometimes its good to hear your not alone. And your not.
Well keep writing and I hope u have an ok weekend.
X

[mnfmum]

Thanks ladies so so much, your support is priceless, it means so much to me to know that I am not alone in how I feel and that we WILL get better and come out of this unbeliveable experience better people for it!

My daughter is better today thank goodness, bit tired but back to being silly again and cheeky, the little madam! She is very well behaved really just more than ready for school. Im ready for it too but will miss her so so much when its just me and the little dude!

Much love to all of you wonderful people!
xxxxx

[mnfmum]

Ps she might be better but I don't think her bedroom carpet will ever recover, damn good job we need to get a new one I say!!!

[Weeble]

Hi Mnfmum

One of the things that does not clic until you have kids is the uncleanable up mess they cause. Some of our carpets are shocking.

Sorry, but OH is demanding I go to bed, but will write more in the next few days, maybe not tomorrow. But really pleased to hear from you

Kat

[butterfly]

i remember the first experience of child sick bug in this house - i have to say the smell did go after about 3 days......joy! We have a once cream carpet in the front room its a disgusting brown now, even with multiple vax cleans!

cream carpets, baths lite with candles have been replaced by baths surrounded by plastic boats and other various strange objects. The joys of having children... i wouldn't change them for the world!
Take care x

[mnfmum]

Indeed, my daughter got a Makka Pakka bath toy for Xmas one year, don't know why I haven't thrown it out because it regularly falls on me in the bath!!!!!

God love the little monkeys life would be way to quiet and slow without them!

xxxxx

[mnfmum]

Well I've just had a phone call from the local Womens Centre to say that my name is now at the top of the list for starting counselling. I went weeks ago for a pre-counselling assesment, it was when I was just allowed to drive again after my op and it took me all my strength to get there with driving along the motorway feeling more of a weirdo back then than I still do now if that's at all possible!. Anyway I'm glad I did because I am keen to get counselling both for PNI and other issues that I have had for most of my life. By these I mean that I havehad OCD for years and years, not to the degree that it stops me doing things, just that it takes me longer to do things than some people - hanging out the washing using the same colour pegs where more than one is needed, lining things like DVDs up, washing myself in the bath a certain number of times, taking a certain number of bites from a sandwich etc etc etc the list goes on!!!!!

I am scared it will open a right can of worms for me but keen to deal with things and move on, I think!!! I don't know if any of you have taken Sertraline and if you have, did it make you feel like your head wasn't connected to your body? I know I wind on and on about it but this unreal feeling is driving me nuts!!!

Must go, should be doing my jobs, not being on the lap top! Speak later, take care all of you.

xxxxx

[Victoria]

Great news on the counselling front. The waiting list here is 12 - 16 weeks which is just appalling imo as you need the help quicker than that. I understand they want the meds to kick in a bit before counselling, but 3-4 months is just insane. I hope it helps for you. It may well open a can of worms but in doing so, you will start to deal with them one by one and get yourself further onto that road to recovery. I havnt taken Sertraline sorry, am on Citralopram but I do sometimes feel like I am not really here but looking onto the situation if that makes any sense? xxx

[mnfmum]

Hi FSG

Yes that does make sense, the waiting lists are crazy, I have been waiting for 13 weeks for CBT too, we are willing to do all we can to help ourselves and then can't crack on properly because we have to wait forever and a day!!!

I think to be honest that counselling and CBT could be waht I have needed for a long time, maybe even pre motherhood, watch this space on that one!

I hope that you are doing ok

Take care

xxxxx