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Post by xxellaxx on Aug 1, 2011 20:26:57 GMT
I've just found this section, I think this is a brilliant idea, hopfully I can look back on this one day and see how I've progressed.
Today was hell for me, it was the first day being left on my own again with my Baby 'Ella' Hubbys now back at work. From the moment opened my eyes my whole body felt heavy, I was terrified and did'nt now why.
When I saw my hubby drive off the nausea hit me, sheer panic, my whole body was shaking. The dizzy spells have been with me all day long, I feel like I am on a boat when I walk, the horrible pressure in my head keeps moving around, my vision has been off all day. I cried for the first time in 2 weeks. At one point I looked at Ella lay on the floor smiling at me and I couldn't bring myself to pick her up, My stupid brain told me I couldn't pick her up and I would drop her and hurt her. One of the scariest symptoms for me is the feeling of being disconnected from my own body, it's like when I am changing ella I can see my arms, hands etc doing the job but they don't feel like my own, it's like I am watching myself from the outside, this freaks me out big time and I want to escape but can't. I have been on the edge of panic all day.
My support worker came today, it was her first visit with me, she is going to come for an hour twice a week, we chatted , she was really nice, but I was sat there feeling like I wasn't in the room, I ound it so hard to concentrate and try to hold a conversation with her, sometimes I had t try and pull myself out of the dream I was in and tell myself who she was and what she was doing here.. weird! She must of thought I was brain dead!
I hate myself right now, I don't feel normal, I should beable to cope. I managed to get out the house last week with David by my side but when I even think about stepping outside it sends me into a blind panic. I put Ellas pram outside to get her ready for a short walk around the block, I didn't manage it.
Ever thought I have is negative, I can't rationalize anything in my head as to why I feel like this. I still can't accept PND can make me feel so physically ill all the time.
The thought keeps popping into my head that I have a box of meds there and I wonder if I'd have the guts to take them. I know I wont for Ellas sake but the thought is there.
I am praying tomorrow I can wake up and feel good even if its just for one day.
My goal for tomorrow is to try and get Ella out for a walk, even if it's just 5 mins around the streets!
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Post by kelly30staples on Aug 1, 2011 20:35:18 GMT
hi
i'm kelly just thought id say hello . just read your post and i have felt and still feel as u do now , iknow how hard it is i suffered servere pni with my second and now pregnant with my 3rd ad having all the same feelings, sorry i cant be of much help at the moment as i'm stuggling today .
take care
kelly xx
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Post by juppster on Aug 2, 2011 7:33:33 GMT
Hi Gail and welcome to the diary section. Every symptom you have described from yesterday could have been writing that after having J nearly 5 years ago. The panic, the disassociation, the dizziness etc etc. Sorry but i can't remember how long you have been taking the meds for and which ones you are on? Are you due to receive any kind of counselling or cbt? Setting yourself small goals like you have done for today is a really good way forward...but if you don't manage it PLEASE don't beat yourself up about it, just try again tomorrow. Hoping today is a better one for you, i promise you this will get better but it takes time xxx
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Post by xxellaxx on Aug 2, 2011 10:39:32 GMT
Hiya i am using my phone right now so excuse the short text. I have been on mirtmirtazipine for just over two weeks now. I am now back at my Mums with Ella after a really bad morning. I woke early and couldn't face the day. As soon as i looked at Ella i felt complete fear. I am so s are i am going to lose her. Im scared they will put me in hospital with her.my gp told me two weeks ago that if i didn't go and stop with my mum she was going to place me and Ella in the phychiatric unit, so i had spent a week with my mum. Can't believe i am back here again. My physical symptoms are scaring the hell out of me. All my scalp is kind tingling..i feel numb all over. I am so frightened and don't know why.. I can't sit down and try to think things through because my mind is racing. Everything feels wrong. My baby doesn't deserve me i am such a bad mum :-(
I didn't take my medication last night for the first time. I was testing to see if i would wake up feeling any better.. It obviously didn't work. I feel worse.
I don't know what else to do anymore. I can't see myself getting better i really can't
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Post by juppster on Aug 2, 2011 14:54:37 GMT
Oh my darling, you will get better, i know it doesn't feel like it at the moment but I am sure of it. You are suffering so much at the moment but it will and does get easier. Can you access any type of therapy...i have found cbt to be paramount to my recovery and I can't recommend it highly enough. Alot of other girls on here have and do benefit from it too. Take as much time as you need with your mum but i would go back to your gp and tell them how much you are still suffering and how desperate you are. I haven't had any personal experience of mother and baby units but im sure some of the other girls have and will be along to give you their experiences later. Please don't worry about losing your little girl, I am pretty sure this will not happen but you have to try and reach out to get more help. It took me a long time to get the correct help but only because i didn't push for it...take your husband or your mum along with you and maybe even print out some of your posts on here to let them know how desperate you are feeling right now. Sending you biggest hugs sweetheart, I promise you you will not feel like this forever xx
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Post by Hopeful on Aug 3, 2011 13:42:15 GMT
Hi Ella,
Just wanted to call in and offer support xx I too suffered with the phsical symtpoms and it made each day hard to cope with and the anxiety fuelled the racing thoughts for me too.
I also wanted to assure you that it really does get better, despite how unlikely it might feel right now.
Big, big hugs, Hopefulxx
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Post by juppster on Aug 3, 2011 18:46:53 GMT
Hey Gail, just wondered how things have been for you today honey? Are you still with your mum? xx
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Post by Weeble on Aug 3, 2011 18:49:02 GMT
Don't worry if you do end up in a mother and baby unit. They are supposed to be really quite good. This illness is so cruel and it takes a good few weeks for the drugs to really work. If you have the capacity look at my diary, last September I was looking at being in an mbu and today I took my children, all three out to a punch and jury, then the park and then the eldest and his friend swimming. You too can get back believe it.
Lovely to see you writing a diary it's always great to welcome a new regular
Kat
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Post by monica on Aug 5, 2011 16:35:11 GMT
Hi
How u doing. I know what ur going thru ATM is so scary bit hang on there because it will pass. Progress might be slow but there will come a time when u will be free of these horrible symptoms.
What you have written is EXACTLY how I felt. The detachment, headaches, self doubt etc.
You need to give Meds time to work. It is common to feel worse initially I did then after a few weeks things should start to improve. If u feel u r struggling during this initial period go and see ur doctor. I was prescribed diazepam I think to help ca M me down . There are also other Meds out there to help. Don't stop Meds though without talking to dr as that can make u feel worse.
The panicky feelings r horrible. When u fee It coming on try controlling ur breathing as the nasty symptoms ur r experiencing come from the fight or flight response of panicking . You described these when ur hubby went to work. U r scared so your body starts preparing tp fight or run. Your heart starts pumping blood to your hands and feet, your breathing speeds up, you start to feel dizzy etc. If you can learn to control this response it will help. Concentrating on your breathing. Slow breaths thru ur stomach. This can take a bit of practice but helped me hugely.
Big hugs to you. Come back and let us know how u rx
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Post by juppster on Aug 5, 2011 19:54:31 GMT
Hey Gail, hows things? x
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Post by xxellaxx on Aug 6, 2011 19:22:28 GMT
Hi, thanks for asking, I came back home last night. I'm no better, god when I woke this morning I felt like I couldn't face the day all over again. The dizzy spells are back today, but even though I feel sick to my stomach I have forced myself to get dressed and washed and deal with as much as I can. All I keep saying to David (my hubby) is.. 'I shouldn't feel ill, it shouldn't be physical' WHY CANT I GET MY HEAD AROUND THIS ? I have felt numb all over today. I've got that dread coming over me thinking about Monday morning being on my own again. God I am scared!
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Post by Weeble on Aug 6, 2011 20:45:30 GMT
Hi Gail
The illness may be classified as a mental health issue. But these symptoms you are suffering are real. The physical symptoms of anxiety are real and please don't beat yourself up about them. They take time to heal, they are caused by the neural and hormonal stimulation of your body by the mind.
Kat
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Post by xxellaxx on Aug 6, 2011 21:23:24 GMT
Thanks Weeble My mum thinks that we need to move house. We're totally isolated where I am. I don't want to sound a snob but we live on the roughest housing esate in the area. We live on a close on the edge of the estate so we don't get anyone passing through from the estate. it was all fine before I had Ella, but I wont walk through the estate on my own with her, I am ok walking my dog through (he's a guarding breed). But since being pregnant I was worried about bringing a baby up around this area, david doesn't really get it, but I keep telling him Ella will be in school in no time, she will be 'billy no mates' if we stop where we are as there is no way she could play out. My mum thinks its a big part of my problem, I dont see anyone, nothing goes on here, there's no one passing in the street etc ... Davids at work all day so he gets to meet people and is away from being stuck home all day long feeling trapped.
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Post by Weeble on Aug 7, 2011 8:14:24 GMT
Your welcome. The isolation of this illness is so cruel, I live on one of the main residential streets in my village near the centre and yet I could not get out the door. In fact getting out of my bedroom was virtually impossible somedays. Just don't blame yourself it's the illness. I couldn't manage any mum and baby groups etc because the other mums just made me feel ill. In the end I joined a mothers depression support group and that helped hugely as everyone there was in the same boat.
Have you heard of home start, they are a fantastic charity that help families like ours. I had a volunteer who came out two hours a week and helped me. She was a lifeline. Perhaps give them a call, you can self refer.
How is today going?
Kat
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Post by xxellaxx on Aug 7, 2011 10:24:46 GMT
Hi Kat, Yes home start came out to me for the first time last week, they are going to be coming twice a week for an hour. Hope it helps. It was weird having a stranger in my house but it did help me get through the day at the time. This morning is abit better than yesterday, I could actually drag myself up and I couldn't wait to cuddle Ella, she gave me a big smile I did a stupid thing - or maybe it'll be a good thing, my sister has a 6 and a 3 yrs old and she's starting back at work, I've offered to have them tomorrow for a few hours. I am really nervous, but I am hoping it will give me something to focus on, I justhope I can hold it together, my sister would never forgive me if I got myself in a state while I have them. Tomorrow will be my first day on my own again, so maybe it is a good thing that I have offered to have them, maybe it'll help me hold things together. The dizzyness has left me today, no headaches yet, I just feel abit paniky - not sure what about but its there!
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