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Post by Jay on Feb 11, 2012 15:34:43 GMT
Dear Diary
I am in such a state and there are so many times I do not know what to do with myself. I am searching and searching to find answers how to get well and its driving me nuts, and I should know and accept by now that there is no help only to distract myself. Every day-every single day I feel so ill, so ill that if it was cancer or something else awful then it would kill me, but this is just cruelty to have to keep going. I have this for ever. I am about to be discharged from my help, it is hanging over me like it be a time I am to be executed or something. My instructions are to distract myself, I can't concentrate to read or hardly stand some days so it is the TV for hours and hours even half the night when the panic is so bad, I am to be given 2 self help books which I won't be able to cope with, I am suppose to be able to go to a mental heath place for counselling now and again so I can just offload and it is suggested that I go to a woman's resource centre to do some courses and make friends these two things are supposed to keep me going, BUT there is no parking outside their door and I will not be able to walk from where I did manage to park, I am told that if I do go then I will probably only pass out for the first 3-4 times then they think I should be able to manage, but I have no way I will manage or cope with any of it. Since before christmas the only way I have managed to work is to be full of diazepam, it is the only way to be able to manage to walk to the front door , I am usually sat there with my eyes shut trying to feel well enough to go, and I damn well had to go and pass out at work 2 weeks ago which always makes everyone scared of me and a bit iffy about it all. Today again I wake in such a panic, I am beginning not to be able to stand it, I feel that I need help to get through so dear diary I shall offload to you. I am so scared about the big passing out session I did this week where the whole day had been so ill and awful and such a struggle, I sat up the table eating my dinner when I felt my eyes drop, I could not move, somehow just as I went I had hold of the table cloth I think this is what kept me sitting on the chair, OH held my hand, I struggled and struggled to get out some words to tell him that I badly needed to lay down, my head felt so awful then after a long time the words sort of came out, when Iwas beginning to fall off of the chair he decided to move me to the sofa, I could not move at all, I heard the chair crack and the joints brake as he tried to pull me out from the table, he just about sort of got me off of the seat when I hit the floor, it was a long long time before I could move or open my eyes and be able to see or talk and be able to get up. I pass out about twice a week and also I do this in a smaller way most days, I sit here watching the TV when the awful head feeling comes on and the nausea, its like my head is being squeezed and rung out, my body is usually tingling and my insides feel like they are being mangled, and my head drops I can easily miss a good half hour or so and sort of not know whats happened only that the clock says the time has gone and the TV program has changed. Some days I can't chance getting up or moving much at all. This week it has felt like someone is pressing on my chest with the heel of their foot. I drink too much, but I am feeling guilty and bad about myself BUT last night I did not have any-the first night in a very long time..I don't know how long it will last. Aaaaarrrrhhhhhh
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Post by wanagetoverthis on Feb 11, 2012 16:03:50 GMT
Oh Jay, so sorry to hear that you are suffering like this. It must be so terrifying for you Is your OH supportive? How many kids do you have and how old are they? You'll get through this, it's hard having support taken from you when you have relied on it but it will get better. N xxx
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Post by juppster on Feb 11, 2012 21:12:26 GMT
Hi Jay, so lovely to hear from you again but so sorry to hear you are struggling so much. Keep talking here hun, we are all here for you x
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Post by Weeble on Feb 11, 2012 21:35:31 GMT
Hi, sorry to hear it's tough for you. Still no better on the passing out? What else have you planned this weekend?
Kat
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Post by Jay on Feb 16, 2012 19:10:44 GMT
Dear Diary
Well the past week has been very difficult, OH was off work for a few days so I have not felt so frightened. Its a bit naff that OH has to see me so poorly it upsets him, he is very kind. I told him that it was like being in agony especially when I feel so ill, the Psychologist once called it mental agony. When I was out for the count on Saturday, when I was sort of waking up he was stroking my forhead and saying that it was so awful that I have this, he was saying that he wished he could stop it for me and that he wished he could have it instead of me, it made me cry so much.
The awful feelings are there every day to varing degrees, and when I get my really bad spells it gets majorly bad and gradually creeps on getting worse and worse over the course of about 3-4 weeks until I get more and more desparate and start to want to beg for help, I waste so much time & energy trying desperately to work it all out and of how to get well, there must be an answer I can think of, but I know there is nothing anyone can do.
The worse has passed again so I am not thinking what to do all the time or clock watching all day or sitting up all night, but the cycle will shortly start again. I have hardly done anything today, but while sitting most of the day watching TV I have felt not so ill and have not felt like I am going to pass out so much today, it is such a relief to have a few hours free from the mess. I managed to iron 4 shirts today.
I emailled the Psychologist at the weekend I told her that I can't live or die, and that I needed help, I asked about tweeking my pills, but she did not say much, she just said she would let me know when she will come again to do the relapse plan with me ready for discharge. The only thing she said was to distract myself, so I watch TV day and night. She thought it was a good idea to talk on here.
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Post by Weeble on Feb 16, 2012 20:22:17 GMT
Yeah it's great to write here, this fainting and collapsing is horrific poor you. I dont know what else to say other than keep writing to us.
Kat
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Post by monica on Feb 16, 2012 21:14:17 GMT
Hi Jay
I am so sorry you're feeling this way. Has the passing out resurfaced again? Are you still on the Meds you were on. Could it be the thought of being discharged brought this anxiety on? Sorry if you have mentioned this elsewhere. Maybe you could say you are not ready for discharge yet? Hugs to you. You know we are listeningx
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Post by Jay on Feb 17, 2012 15:11:30 GMT
Dear Diary I have never been free from all this, but the passing out and anxiety varies .depending on how I feel and what happens in my life, anything out of the ordinary [my ordinary is sitting here all day watching TV. I have been able to email the Psychologist when I am feeling so bad that I don't know what to do with myself and am needing a quick visit and she comes and talks to me, otherwise she does a visit about every 6 weeks.
I am still on my meds Lamotrogine 125mg morning and 100mg at night, Trazodone 200mg morning and 300mg at night, plus diazpam when needed.
Today I am in shit land again. It even got me to a stage where I screamed out loud this morning its like someone is squeezing my brains and I fighting down all the panic. Its now 2.45pm and I have not long taken diazepam which has done nothing and I am now drinking red wine .
I have done nothing all day, on and off I have been laying on the sofa to see if it will steady my head up and to help when I feel I will hit the deck. If I had no family then I could disappear and just go to sleep. You probably think I am nuts, I don't feel nuts I just struggle to survive the best way I can.
Well my wine has relaxed me and the panic is subsiding a bit my head is still feeling squashed, but I feel really tired now and think if I laid down I could go to sleep. How will I manage when I can't just email the Psychologist who has looked after me for 4 years. I think I am going to cry sorry for spilling out all my mess
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Post by juppster on Feb 17, 2012 17:39:45 GMT
Never ever apologise for writing on here hun, you are coping with so much and if this is a release for you on here then thats great. I don't have any advice to offer but just want you to know we are all here to listen and support as best we can. Sending you lots of hugs and strength x
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Post by monica on Feb 18, 2012 21:46:20 GMT
Dear Jay
You are not weak at all. You have been offering from such awful physical and emotional symptoms for so long. Self medicating with alcohol is not ideal or al the obvious reasons, however I completely understand why you do it if it takes the edge off your symptoms and make things bearable.
I was plagued with horrible physical symptoms so I can empathize a little. I just felt so dreadfuly ill all the time I couldn't do anything.
If you don't mind me asking why are they considering discharging you if you are still so unwell. Could you talk to your psychologist and tell her this? Perhaps get your oh to also talk to hcp about how you are.
Hugs to you.
Monica
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Post by Hopeful on Feb 19, 2012 12:41:37 GMT
Hi Jay,
How are you feeling today? xx
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Post by Jay on Feb 21, 2012 21:27:54 GMT
Dear Diary
They are discharging me as there is nothing more they can do for me. The Psychiatrist said so last summer when I got discharged from her, it was left that if I get problems with my meds then I am to go to the GP and she will contact them for advice. The Psychologist has worked all she can to give me coping strategies, she supported me lots over the past 4 years, she also says that there is nothing more she can do.....I am to distract myself. She even once told me to read the telephone directory, but I don't feel stupid or mad enough to even try that and if I can't concentrate to read nice things then I would be fated try the phone book. I keep telling her that I am not well and I try to explain, and she sort of skims over this and tells me how much I can now manage and do since I was first unwell, she said things like - You can now do a small holiday without been as freaked out like you use to be, she says that I can now manage and not freak out when my sister comes to stay. She says that I am much better since they gave me the Lamotrogine which is supposed to make the antid's work. She talks about this blue zone which I will go in, so that if I relapse I can contact this team...but I so want to know how to manage now with all the every day mess I still have to go through. Day after day of feeling ill and either passing out [sitting or standing] or nearly going so I cant function or talk and have to keep laying down or if I cant move I just sit with my eyes shut, and the panic I have every day. I so hate it when I wake gasping for breath and the spells of being too frightened to go to bed at all. When I was so bad on Friday when I last wrote it felt like I was trapped in the ground then when it worsened as the day went on it felt like I was being smothered as well, like being wrapped tight in something while I am struggling and panicking to get out, it is only when I get so tired and feel like I am dead and cant fight anymore and give up, then it calms to a more bearable level. When I am alone things are the worse, I know that I am suppose to phone helplines etc, and I have been thinking that I may try the Samaritans went I feel so bad that I do not know what to do that way I do not have to worry my family, I can see the hurt and worry when I do mention things to OH so I try to mainly keep it to myself. I dare say that I am more worried because I will not have this Psychologist coming to the house to see me anymore. I feel devastated, lost, frightened, and feel like it is the end of the world. I know I have not been one to pester her too much for an early apt and have sometimes managed by just knowing she is there and could help me quickly if I need it, but now I don't know.
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Post by monica on Feb 22, 2012 9:25:40 GMT
Hi Jay
Obviously I am no expert but to me they can't discharge you by saying they have done all they can and the rest is up to you. You are not well. Have you spoken to your gp about this? Might be worth seeing what other options there out there for you. Perhaps drug change?
I so feel for you as it must be a frightening time which won't help your physical symptoms.
Love
Monica
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Post by juppster on Feb 23, 2012 19:53:10 GMT
Hi Jay I have to agree with Monica on this one...I don't see how they can discharge you if you are not well and don't feel ready to be discharged. I would definitely go and talk to your gp about how this has left you feeling. Big hugs to you xx
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Post by Jay on Feb 23, 2012 20:04:58 GMT
Dear Diary Yesterday was a little better, it started as always feeling awful and unable to stand, so I sit until I feel a bit better-I actually managed to clean the top of my cooker, the rest of the time I watched TV it was nice to watch while feeling ok for a bit. Today I could not stand very well and found my shower a bit difficult, I sort of fall out put the towl around me and sit on the toilet seat with my eyes shut until I am dry, then went down stairs to sit, my head kept dropping so I kept missing my TV programs, I am not asleep but I am gone. I decided to lay myself down with hopes it might go off it helped a bit. Tomorrow the Psychologist comes to see me to sort out my discharge plan, I have been so frightened about this, but now I sort of don't care. I plan to tell her I am struggling, but I know she will say that the awful times will pass [they do but its so difficult, they just seem never ending and go straight from one session to the next]. We are planning to change our bathroom so it is helping to have something to think about and to look things up online. WE booked our summer holiday yesterday, I look and look for places where we can enjoy without going out much. If I am lucky I may be able to get out for a little while each day with OH holding one side and daughter on the other, and a load of diazepam. We are going in september to www.manaiholidays.co.uk the accommodation we are in is called White Sails, it looks a bit luxurious and the balcony looks inviting to sit with a glass of wine. Its something to look ahead to for us all. I have not been to see the GP for a long time, I can't even go to collect a presciption now a days, I know I will land up on the floor, when I go down on the floor they press some sort of panic button and the sirens bellow through the building and the doctors come running out of their rooms, it is usually the practice manager who gives me a hardest time keep shouting at me to open my eyes and keep rubbing my face [they did this to me over and over when I was ill after having Katie it is an awful memory], then they stick me in a wheelchair which is not wide enough for me which always seems to be the worse bit for me [so I am then sat in a tight chair which hurts my sides with my head feeling like mangled up shit], then I end up in one of the doctors room for a check over, I then have to wait in reception near the desk until I fel well enough to drive home. I can't bear going, but if I get desparate then I will try, at my last visit sometime last year I told her I was to be discharged and how frightened I was and I asked her if I could go to talk to her if I got problems-she said I could, but I still have to get there and get into her room first, when I am ok getting in the room I always go down when I get up to leave, I either go down as soon as I stand up or I just about get to her door to leave, or I smack into the door and out into the corridor its horrible to think about it so I never want to go. Many thanks for letting me come to talk. Fingers crossed for me tomorrow x x
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