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Post by juppster on Mar 13, 2012 9:53:17 GMT
Morning Jay Im sorry no one was around to talk to you last night. How are you feeling this morning? x
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Post by monica on Mar 13, 2012 11:03:08 GMT
Hi
Re discharge it sounds like that's what hcp want to do but you do have someone to call if you feel unable to cope during the initial period. Was thinking perhaps contact Mind or the like. Perhaps they hav volunteers who can help you by providing listening visits so you wont feel alone.
How much holiday do you have? Could you plan something. Get friends round, maybe yourdaughtet could come over for a couple of days. Also perhaps plan something or your bday it doesn't have to be major. Trip to cinema? Something to strict u. These milestones can be very hard so have people around you to help you through the day.
You have a few things going on in our life that are overwhelming you. Try tackl each issue separatey as it might be more manageable.
Hugs to you. Also sorry no one was about last night r chatx
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Post by Jay on Mar 13, 2012 22:15:46 GMT
I think I am going more mad with all this. The nights and mornings are terrible and are a thing that I have come to dread. This morning when I could not bear it I opened my pill stash to look, I was suprised what was there it did not look as good as I thought it would, they were all exp date 2009, co-proximol, zopicone, dosulepin, temazepam. I put them away and decided that I must sort something out. the Psychologist emailed me today and never said anything about my incease of meds like she promised to do, all she said was that she would come and see me on 23rd, so I am thinking that I will put the dose up myself, I just think that I need to feel safe, so I shall put it up tonight only the smallest increase. I was so worried about my safety while I am on holiday from work, so I asked my boss if I could come into work and just lose my holiday she was not keen but she accepted in the end, I am so relieved. I don't have any friends.
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Post by Weeble on Mar 16, 2012 7:28:35 GMT
Hi Jay
I am really sorry I missed your post, I have been stretched. You are really struggling aren't you? How are you today?
Kat
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Post by monica on Mar 16, 2012 8:25:40 GMT
Hi
How has this morning been for you? Mornings are often hard. Does that feeling of dread ease off when ur up and about?
Do email psychologist again about Meds increase and keep badgering for an answer. It could make all the difference.
Great re work at least it will get you out and aboutx
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Post by Weeble on Mar 16, 2012 21:14:33 GMT
How's things Jay? Anything planned for the weekend
Kat
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Post by Jay on Mar 19, 2012 20:51:56 GMT
The Samaritans have been talking to me online, they have helped me a lot, I was able to talk about suicide, they did not tell me what to do they just prompted me to think and reply what my thoughts are. I was so worried that I was going to do it. I planned to get rid of the pill stash but I don't feel safe enough at the moment.
I did put my medication up myself, it immediately made me sleep which was wonderful, it is making me a bit tired, yesterday and today when I got up I just got down stairs and fell asleep again, I missed all of sunday morning.
I booked an apt to see the gp, and I emailled the psychologist to tell her that I had put my meds up by 25mg and that if that did not work then I wanted to up's them again, I told her that I had no choice and told her that I was seeing the gp. My apt with the gp was friday it did not go according to plan, the car park was full so I had to park a little way down the road which is too scary for me and I felt really uncomfortable by the time I got inside. I sat getting very agitated and was beginning to shake and rock backwards and forwards I felt that I was going to be sick or pass out, my gp came out of her room and walked through reception, all I could see and noticed was her stethoscope hanging around her neck, it was sat on each side of her neck with the long bit hanging down, she walked behind the desk adn back and I looked at the stethoscope again, it made me feel awful I started to umm and arr about running away, all I could think about was the stethoscope and her telling me off for increasing my pills, so I got up and run and I shouted at the receptionist that I just had to get out. So I missed my apt. I had half hoped that she would ring me, but she didn't. I wrote a note later in the day to say I was sorry and to hope that she did not cross me off of her patient list and I explained about my pill increase and how I hoped that she would give me more tablets when I run out, I took it to the surgery and waved it out of the car window and asked someone to take it in for me. I can't see how I can face the ordeal of going anymore, I am hoping tht they willnot want blood tests as I would not be able to go, if I can keep well then I won't need to go or perhaps she will talk to me by letter.
It has all shook me up over the past 3 weeks, I could not believe that it could just hit you quick like that with the feelings of not wanting to go on. I do feel better than I did, it is nice to sleep so that I can have a break from it all. I did move on to writing my letters and to even choosing one of the songs I wanted at my funeral, the intesity off it all is fading and my head does not feel like it will burst. So I wait to see what happens and hope that my thoughts and feelings sort out.
Many thanks as always for listening to me . I send my love to you all Jay x
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Post by Weeble on Mar 19, 2012 23:56:43 GMT
Jay
Last year I burst into tears at the doctors surgery too and ran out, I really no how hard it is. Poor you.
Well done on the Samaritans and don't worry about the last few weeks, be proud you have coped amazingly
Kat
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Post by juppster on Mar 20, 2012 9:00:53 GMT
Lovely to hear from you Jay. It seems the samaritans on line is working well for you, well done for reaching out xx
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Post by monica on Mar 20, 2012 15:55:54 GMT
Hi
How are you? Glad the samaritans were there for you and you were able to talk openly. It's good to get even our darkest thoughts out in the open.
Did you hear from woman about the Meds?
Monica
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Post by Jay on Mar 22, 2012 11:39:22 GMT
Hi
I feel a bit empty and nothing today, the pills are making me want to sleep in the day I had to go to bed last night at 8pm as I kept falling asleep and today I can hardly keep my eyes open, but part of me does not care. I am quite depressed more than anxious, its making me I have jobs I wanted to try to do, but I just can't.
The GP never rang me, I was probably foolish to think she would. I am due to see the Psychologist tomorrow at 1pm, I plan to tell her how I have been, perhaps she will listen to me and not say I am ok now so they will do the discharge. She emailed me to ask if I had cut down on alcohol, at the last visit a few weeks ago she was going on and on, I did not answer her, I kept on drinking as I could not care I felt it was more important to try to stay alive, having said that I emailed AA to ask about stopping drinking, it was an ex alcoholic who answered he did not say much he was more pushing me to read some online leaflets which me sent me, they just drowned me It did not say any tips etc it just went on and on I can't even tell you what it was but it all sounded far to difficult and I knew I could not manage, it was manly on about going to a meeting I think it would knock me down more, I dont no what to do about it. Any ideas?
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Post by Weeble on Mar 22, 2012 20:11:15 GMT
Well done on the thinking about giving up alcohol. It is a brave thing to do. Why don't you try the helpline again, you may get someone better
Kat
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Post by monica on Mar 28, 2012 20:42:02 GMT
Hi jay
Have seen it's a few days since u were here kart. R u? How did it go with psychologist well done on thinking about drink issue. Not easy but baby steps.
Monicax
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Post by Jay on Mar 29, 2012 22:10:52 GMT
My increase dose of meds has helped a lot, it has straightened my head out quite a bit, they sleep me so I am not up all night and the nightmares seem to have calmed a bit, because I feel a bit better it has mean't that I am not perminantly thinking 'what am I going to do' over and over I even use to wake with a start and the 'what am I going to do would start up again. The only problem I have is that they have made me have pains in my legs and joints, when I looked up on the leaflet about the pills it is a very likely side effect, I am not sure if I could manage too long with these pains as pain killers do not do anything to help. I'm a bit suck there they help one thing and mess up another.
I saw the Psychologist, she was quite nice and it was such a relief to see her, it made me feel safer. I told her how suicidal I had been feeling and we talked about that. She mentioned about giving me only a weeks supply of medication at a time, this terrified me as I dread sorting out the repeat every two months let alone weekly I find it a real big deal emailing for a repeat then collecting it which I am too terrifed to do, then there's the awful bit of doing the chemist, it is all a possible passing out event so I shy away and hate the ordeal, I so did not want this weekly supply so I mentioned that I would not have used them as I have pill stash, which I probably should not have said. She asked if she could have them to take to the chemist and I said no. She said that she wanted me to know so I was not worried that she would not section me for having some pills. Later I asked her if I should go and get them to give to her, she said if it would worry me more by not having them then I should keep them, she said that a lot of people have them just to be there but not to use, she said I was very brave to have told her as not many people would have mentioned them. . I kept nearly passing out and have difficulty with being able to speak through out her visit, when this happens she changes the subject and usually starts asking questions about my daughter, husband ,work etc it sort of brings me back and stops my head from feeling so awful and after a while I can talk again. She said that they would not discharge me for another 6 months, and that they did not want me taking this extra dose of mood stablizers perminantly as she does not want my dose to gradually creep up, she said that I am on huge doses of both my meds, so when I feel a bit better she wants to take me back slowly to the original dose, but she did say that perhaps when I get a bad session they could probably set up that I can increase them on my own with view to reduce when I pick up again. She also talked about seeing if the Psychiatrist could increase my antid's instead. She is coming back to see me on Tuesday. When I think about it..I did not want to commit suicide, I just did not know how to live anymore. [Are they both the same?? can you understand what I am on about?? does it make sense?] There was just a perminent struggle that was so intense and it all felt like I was in agony, and I could not work out what to do, and it just went on and on and I could not see a way out. I must admit that I was both relieved and I scared myself when I first remembered I had the pill stash. I will let you know what she says when she comes next time.
Many thanks for asking about me.
Jay xx
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Post by juppster on Mar 30, 2012 17:12:04 GMT
Hi Jay Re the side effects of the increased meds, often these can dissipate after an adjustment period so if you can bear it, I would try and stick with it for a few more weeks or so to see if they subside.
The psychologist sounds great...like she really gets it and understands you. In my opinion, wanting to commit suicide and not knowing how to live any more are very different things and I am so so glad you have been able to open up to someone and they are no longer discharging you...well done lovely lady xxx
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