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Post by Weeble on Feb 23, 2012 22:36:32 GMT
Jay
Please don't ever feel that you can't talk to us here like every sufferer you are very welcome. I am so angry for you tonight, I feel that the mental health professionals are really wrong. Instead of facing the fact that they have not got the skills to mend you they just go and discharge you. It's totally wrong xxxx
Don't feel abnormal about your reaction to the gp. It takes me weeks to get there and I do everything to avoid it including sending my mum for my prescription, taking the kids to the out of hours service.
I can imagine how all that stuff with wheelchairs is horrible. I like you have a food problem really since I started the drugs two years ago. I am a giant blimp and I am so ashamed. I did talk to my psychologist about it. She told me eating is a very innate thing. When we are little and distressed we are given milk and food. So it's not surprising we turn to food.
Hope tomorrow is ok
Kat
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Post by Jay on Feb 24, 2012 5:19:44 GMT
dear Dairy
I have been awake for quite a while now, and all the thoughts are driving me nuts, it is all going round and round.... What am I going to do!, what am I going to do! etc etc its getting to a pitch where I feel like I am being suffocated and the trapped panicky fighting is there, its all beginning to mix up with the PTSD , The day after the birth when I was so ill and could not move I had the trapped and awful fighting to escape which I did when the 2 doctors and 2 midwives were holding me down, as good as raping me and I can here myself begging and begging them to stop hurting me, they performed a manual removal of after birth where I laid in my bed on the ward without taking me to theatre and without proper aneathetic, they tried it several times with nothing, then several times with gas and air then a great big dose of pethadine , none of it helped, but later when they were measuring the blood clots and mess filling a big jug with it, the wonderful bit then was when I eventually passed right out and did not wake for several hours later. I am glad I missed the rest and all the cleaning up, which I had already had once when they found me heamoraged in my bed, and I missed they putting in a catheter which turned out to be good as I could not move for a few days. I was so bruised and sore afterwards I could not sit properly or pain free for several weeks and the awful PTSD has been there in various degrees since then,
I so wish I could get away from it all, they screwed me up good and proper, they damaged me and ruined my life.
I just needed to get up out of bed with the hopes it would stop, I can still feel the awful feelings like my brain is being mangled and my insides feel like they are crawling, I feel sick and panicky.I don;t know what to do, I keep feeling that I can;t have this again. I suppose that I must have the tv on and find something to watch in hopes that it helps. I wish someone could put me to sleep when I am like this. I so hope that the Psych lady later today will let me talk about all this, she sometimes just dismisses things and this is an occasion when I need her help. Sometimes she is such a help and can sort me out- we will see,
perhaps a rant on like this will clear things a bit, I just want to hold my head and scream
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Post by Jay on Feb 24, 2012 20:14:51 GMT
Dear Diary Well I have seen the Psychotherapist and I was not at all well.
She asked how I was and I said I was struggling and fighting all the time. We talked about a few things then she got out all these pages to fill in to do with being ready for discharge, she brought them over to the sofa where I sat and she flipped them over telling me the out line of what it was involving, I just felt myself going my eyes shut and out I went. She kept trying to talk to me, but I could not answer her back, she talked and asked about my daughter and how much diazepam I had taken and when my lost does was etc. When I was able to move and just about able to talk my phone rang, it was sat on the sofa beside me, I sort of picked it up and out I went again, I dropped the phone and could not move again. I could hear her writing quite a lot, and she started to ask questions and talk about things to try to distract me. When I was feeling better I asked if she thought they could adjust my pills, I said that I knew that she could do nothing, but I need something to help and wondered about my pills. She asked what I wanted to change I thought it would be my Lamotrogine she talked about me not sleeping very well so she thought Zopiclon might help if I took it for 2 weeks, she said if they change my Lamotrogine I am usually unwell for a while, I said that I did not care. She said about me seeing the Psychiatrist for an apt then she asked would I prefer to see the GP which I thought was best. She said that I needed more support at the moment, she said she would come on tuesday when I said it was my work day she said that it was about time for me to have have time off, so she is coming at 9am and she said she would see if she could bring me a prescription. She asked if I would like to see the assistant psychologist Amy [who was the lady who started to take me out before she went off sick and it all got stopped] she asked if I would like to say goodbye to her, I could not see the point so said no, but I was then asked if Amy could come as they wanted me seen and as she was going to be on holiday soon she asked if Amy could come and talk to me, so she is coming sometime.
I so want to tell them that I am never alright, but her, OH and family will always say you are much better than you were-a sort of 'your ok now'. My best is being able [when I am not passing out] to hide my mess and wear my mask to let people think I am ok. When really I am in hell and when even in a nice place-the sea or somewhere I still think and hide the thoughts that I don;t belong in this world anymore and to wish that I could just disappear, and to always think what a horrible person I am. My worst is all the fighting and fighting to survive, and passing out lots, of grittng my teeth and holding my breath through all the panic and mess, of not sleeping, of hardly being able to stand up and all the thinking and thinking how to get well, and being driven mad by the thought that there is nothing anyone can do to help me. Anything slightly different or any change from doing nothing upsets things and sends me even more down hill. I so wish I could come alive again and just not feel so ill.
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Post by juppster on Feb 25, 2012 13:12:07 GMT
Hugs to you Jay....i feel for you i really do although am not too sure what to suggest to you. Do you have an appointment to go and see your gp as she suggested? x
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Post by Weeble on Feb 26, 2012 8:16:47 GMT
Hi Jay
How are things in jay world today?
Kat
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Post by Jay on Feb 27, 2012 19:41:10 GMT
Things have calmed a bit today it has not been such a struggle, I slept. I think that the Psychologists visit tomorrow has been a goal to aim for and not just lost in the huge world that seems so big and so far away, if she could come regularly for a couple of weeks or so then I may be able to get my courage and strangth up to pick myself up and start the plod on again. I wrote to her today about the Zopiclone, she had thought that I might be more poorly as I sometimes don't sleep, but my normal meds get me off to sleep and like this morning I did not know how to wake up and get going. So I explained that I thought it was the waking up with a start all of a panic which makes me get out of bed quick to get away from it all, and this is what makes me go down to watch tv, no wonder I am tired when it happen for quite a few nights in a row, she caught me the other day following only 3 hours of not very good sleep.
Work is going to drive me nuts in about a weeks time, we are having building works to amalgamate us with another department, it is going to last for 8 weeks, we are to move our office into a awful low lighted store room while the building is going on. I am not good at changes. The main think I am worried about is the lighting which will drag me down and make me feel poorly, I must ask advice tomorrow how to cope with all this.
Many thanks to all for putting up with me, I just need to rant on to help me move forward and to make me feel safer.
Lynne xx
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Post by juppster on Feb 27, 2012 20:04:43 GMT
Lynne, you are more than welcome here and please never feel as though we are "putting up with you"......keep talking here for as long as you need. Good luck with the psychologist tomorrow x
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Post by Weeble on Feb 27, 2012 22:22:40 GMT
Hi Jay
Sounds like an good idea seeing the psychiatrist again. I to have suffered PTSD as a result of a horror delivery with my second son, so I do understand how tough it is.
Keep talking to us, we don't put up with you, you are very very welcome.
Kat
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Post by Jay on Feb 28, 2012 21:23:43 GMT
Thanks for posting to me and saying about me keep writing, I was coming onto the forum tonight to delete the whole of my diary, I feel how awful I am that I write on here about all my mess.
I was telling my OH about the apt this morning when he suddenly has started on about me either meditation or hypnotherapy-he has been a bit of a bully about it, and it all got to me. I know that the Psychologist who I see once mentioned to me not to go for a hypnoband, I dont know if hypnotherapy would get messed up with the PTSD. I do not know anything about meditation only that I am thinking that I would not be able to concentrate to do it [it-whatever it is??] Has anyone any experiences of anytihing like this or can you tell me what you think.
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Post by monica on Feb 29, 2012 7:13:37 GMT
Hi
Don't delete your diary!This is the place to come when you feel low; that's what's the sites for and even if we help just a litte bit, it's one it's job.
I don't know much about hypnotherapy and whether the PTSD memories would get jumbled up etc. Maybe contact a professional hypnotherapist for advice on that. A good one will be honest with you and tell you whether it is appropriate for you.
Have you ever been shown relaxation techniques? To me it seems that when you panic you don't breath properly, the fight flight response gets triggered, you clench your teeth, heart starts beating fast etc. I attended a pnd course where a lot of emphasis was placed on learning to relax and combat these effects. Techniques we were shown included breathing deeply through stomach that's slow deep breaths; others were clenching muscles then relaxing them. We also listened to a few relaxation tapes which help you visualize calming scenarios. Everyone s different and some things work fr some that not work for others. I found the first two after quite a bit of practice, helped when I started to get panicky. Might be worth a go if you haven't tried this before. Might take the edge of the panicky feelings.
Monica
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Post by Weeble on Feb 29, 2012 8:18:53 GMT
Hi Hun
I agree with Monica don't delete unless it makes you feel better. You are welcome here and should stay as long as it works for you.
I have had quite a lot of hypnotherapy to help me talk about things. It was done by a chartered psychologist under direction from a psych. It was ok, but felt tough.
Meditation is supposed to be great, I have really struggled though my concentration is so pants
What have you been up to today?
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Post by juppster on Feb 29, 2012 9:06:44 GMT
So glad you have decided to stay with us, you know you are more than welcome for as long as you need. I had a few hypnotherapy sessions which unfortunately had to stop upon discovering my first pregnancy and never went back to it afterwards...i guess as Monica says, a honest professional will give you advice as to whether they think it would work for you or not. The meditation thing is hard too...especially on the concentration front! but its definitely worth giving it a go. Keep talking mate xx
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Post by Jay on Feb 29, 2012 20:32:55 GMT
Hi
Many thanks for your replies.
When the Psychologist came on Tuesday all she mainly did was to ask questions, she was refering to my email from the day before where I had begged for help, she wrote a whole double side A4 about me. She asked what I thought I wanted to happen, this always amazes me as there is not always an answer we can give to that when we have no idea what to do, and is why we have gone to them for help in the first place. I decided that I wanted my pills tweaked, and she asked which ones, so I gave her my thoughts which was perhaps to put my Lamotrgine up my 25mg. She frightened me a bit when she said I was on a very high dose of Trazodone, she has left me so fearful now that they will change my meds and take them away from me I know they keep me alive. She talked about me drinking my 2-3 glasses 125ml size of wine each day, I am suppose to cut this right down as the Psychiatrist may think that the alcohol is making the meds not work so well. She thinks that what is happening to me is nightmeres which I can't remember when I wake with such a start, and she things that this is why I wake feel trapped and have to get out of bed to get away. She asked what I meant when I said that I felt trapped as if I am suffocating, and as I was trying to explain, it all was beginning to sound like the things I use to say and describe back 5 years ago except it is now slightly different, five years ago I use to say that I perminantly lived buried in a coffin deep in the ground and was always fighting to get out, then when it got really really bad to the point when I could not go on or cope any longer then I felt bound tight and gagged as well, I would fight and fight to get out going mad while this happened, then I would get to the point where I so tied and was so tired and thought I had to die to get away, then suddenly after a week or so of this I would give up fighting and the bound and gagged bit would stop and if I am lucky I get a few days free before the tied up feeling all begins to start up again. This morning I woke felling flat, flat and unable to move. I began to think that I was unconcious and unable to wake. I was there with the mess from 20 years ago, I kept sort of drifting in and out, I was down and out with thoughts of being in my hospital bed. What a start to a work day it was such a struggle to be able to move and come alive again.
A while ago this evening I was feeling really poorly and tired and before I fell asleep I was beginning to think about how I could stop my OH and daughter from being too distressed if I decided to go, it would be so unfair to leave them and to ruin their lives, for them to remember me and hate me for taking all the pills I have stashed to escape, I am also a wimp and am frightened to do it, but then I could stop the pain. I am so so sorry to write this, but somehow I just need to, having this forever is such a long time, It was 21st Nov 1991 when I had my daughter and the mess was their but with lots of GP trips askingfor help and antid's which slept me and I struggled but I managed. Then it was August 2005 that I went to the GP and first asked for help because I was becoming a nervous wreck and the flashbacks were coming back, and the councelling started 17 Jan 2006 when the PTSD reawoke and my nightmere began to get completely out of control [the Psychologist says its like opening Pandoras box]. Would it be awful to want to get away from it all? Perhaps writing this will help me think about things.
Manythanks for being here.
Lynne x
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Post by Jay on Mar 1, 2012 11:01:47 GMT
Its well and truly got me, I have no idea how to live and how to go on, I have not felt as bad as this for a very long time, I have struggled and not managed, but now it is has hit the jackpot. I rang the Samaritans this morning I so needed to talk to someone, I had laid in bed thinking about dying, when my thoughts went to wanting to just take a look at the pills to actually look at the tablets and capsules I have in my pill stash I new I needed to do something, I think it might make things get nearer if I just took a look at my pills for my way out. I had told the Psychologist that I did not feel depressed, but I suppose the suisidal thoughts would probably be depression, but at the time she asked all I could think was that I do not cry all the time. The only times I cry is when I have actually have talked to OH, I did a big explain to him this week and afterwards wish that I hadn't I must really learn to shut my mouth and put up with it on my own, it worries him and he does not understand and he looks so sad, then he was on about the hypnotherapy and meditation neither of these are an option for me really and when I tried to say so he sort of bullies me about it which makes me feel unsafe as my brain can't sort it out. I don't know what will happen to me, I am worried what the Psychs will do if [should do anything which is the problem at the moment]. People talk about crying out for help, well I feel I am screaming and begging. I think I must be stuck in a nightmare in a living hell. I must make a regular thing of ringing the samaritans [she was called Helena] they can't do anything and there has not been any moving on except that while I am talking it is distracting me. I find just writing and jumbling it down here helps too, like lifting some of the weight of it all and plonking it on to the computer screen.
My sister and BIL is coming to say for the night they will be here at about 12 noon, so in an hours time I am frightened about them coming and how I will manage, I should have gone to Tescos and brought some food but today I am not well enought and too scared and could not be bothered, so I have not food much in the house, perhaps I shall ask for her to help me get to tescos. OH dear.
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Post by monica on Mar 1, 2012 13:22:59 GMT
Hi
Jay, please call 999/ get yourself to A and E. You cannot be left alone to suffer like this. You need to be reassessed urgently. You are suicidal, you have a stash of Meds for this purpose this s serious and your nearest and dearest need to know so they can push for help for you.
It makes me want to cry when I hear of how you have been left in the lurch by hcp, when it is so evident you need help and are crying out for it. Surely there is someone, poss some specialist who deals with cases like yours that have been ongoing fr years.
Have you spoken to Mind? Tel 0300 1233393. Call them too. Please Jay, you are a wonderful lady, with so much to offer, with a fantastic family who love you very much.
Monica
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