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Post by rocker on Mar 3, 2010 9:14:22 GMT
that'll teach me for being optmistic for 2010!
Had enough, any progress we were making seems to have been whipped away since Christmas, although she has started taking meds, however I'm not allowed to ask her if shes taking them, remind her about them or enquire what the doctor says when she visits...............so whats the point? Sex life is back to zero, how long have I been coming here? 4 years? we are no further on, add to that I've now realised a second child is never going to happen, and I'm accepting that, tho have to say pretty depressed about the whole situation over the last week or so.
Nobody visits our house, I don't think we've had more than two people come to see us since Christmas, I feel I can't invite my friends round, its too much hassle, even her family no longer comes up because a lot of the house is in such a mess, and I'm no longer mentally strong enough to come home from work, look after our son til bedtime then go round and do all the stuff that needs done. We've been in this house now for 3 years, and still her stuff is all over the bedroom floor, if I'm getting our son dressed I can't go to a set of drawers or a wardrobe and get everything, clothes are stored on the ironing board, hanging off curtain rails in our room, wardrobe in our room and the kitchen table, its like supermarket sweep on a Saturday getting him ready for football, one item in the kitchen, one in our room, one in his room..........I really don't care any more, I've written her a letter this morning asking what the point is any more, theres no affection from her, she goes to bed same time our son does, about 8pm, I work all day, look after son when I come home, make dinner on the days shes working, then she goes to bed at 8 every night weekends included, why amI doing this any more?
All I get out of her is shes trying, shes started meds again, I'm 4 years of exhaustive living day in day out down the line, she asks me to forget about everything that happened before, I can't I've tried for 4 years to keep this family together and help her, I can't do it anymore, I don't want days off work when shes in the house, I can't hack it, I'd rather have a day off just me and my son, I just feel theres a big black cloud over all of us when shes there, at weekends I almost feel like a single parent, shes back to sleeping in til lunch time or later on a Saturday when I've been up with the wee man usually from 6-6.30 and if I complain I just get told she can lie in til whatever time she wants. I'm pretty sure if you read my earlier posts all this would read the same lol!
Anyway, just letting off steam I'd love to go home from work now but thats not possible, just feel like I need time to myself, if the wee man wasn't involved I would head off on my own for a few days but thats not possible, and I no longer feel like her parents can help us, they're fed up talking to her
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Post by winegirl on Mar 3, 2010 9:29:40 GMT
Hi Rocker
I am so sorry you are back to square 1 with all this. I can totally identify to what you are saying because I was a bit like your wife when I was really ill. At the time, I just wanted to get through the day till my husband came home so that I could go back to bed. To an extent, I can be a bit like that now, I often go to bed before him at about 10pm and he is first up in the morning - and it does affect our sex life.
But things do not seem to be improving for you, and I think the main concern is your wifes lack of inclusion regarding her treatment.
When she says `she is trying', I said this to my husband too. And I really was, the illness was just so tiring. So I really do understand what she is going through.
However, I also see from your end that this is no good for you. And 4 years is a long time to keep on trying to make it all work. Ideally, she needs more help than she is getting on a professional level, but if she is not willing to accept ths and work for it, then it is hard to find a solution.
Maybe your letter might be what she needs to reflect and evaluate what is going on with her and you guys and may be a jump start she needs? I do hope so.
You sound like you have been doing an excellent job, but it sounds like you are now burning out with working full time, being a dad and a carer. I really dont know how you do it!
If you give your wife the letter, do come back and let us know how it went. I know I always bang on that this illness does get better, but it does need more than the meds for it to do so, I really hope she is able to accept this sometime.
We are here and listening Rocker x
Take Care
WG xx
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Post by rocker on Mar 3, 2010 10:30:25 GMT
thanks WG, handed her the letter this morning before I went to work to which she replied she'd read it later, so unless I mention it, I know it won't get talked about, and when I bring it up, she "isnt ready to talk about it now".........
the doctor did offer to make her an appointment but she says she isn't ready for that yet, at least its a different doctor this time and she seems to be responding a bit better to him
other thing that niggles me, she only went to the docs because her parents had a go at her about it all, nothing I say makes a difference, only because her Mum shouted at her did she decide to go
anyway, we'll see what today brings, thanks again WG
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Post by winegirl on Mar 3, 2010 10:38:02 GMT
Yes its dificult for her to get proper help and get into recovery if she is only doing all this under pressure from others. She needs to want to do it for herself.
My favourite analogy from a gp: `the meds are like a life jacket, they will stop you from drowning, but you have to get yoruself out of the water'. So true...
I hope you guys do talk about what you have said in the letter to her. I know what it is like not wanting to talk about heavy stuff as when I was ill I just couldnt cope with it - just wanted to plod through everyday. But ultimately ignoring it wont help matters, I hope she can see that...
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Post by rocker on Mar 3, 2010 12:15:52 GMT
cheers WG that is indeed a very good analogy
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Post by winegirl on Mar 3, 2010 19:02:30 GMT
Hope all goes well when you are back home this evening
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Post by gizmoracer on Mar 3, 2010 19:14:39 GMT
Hi Rocker, just wanted to pop on and let you know I'm listening too. Let us know how it went with the letter. I used to find it very difficult to talk when I was ill and letters were the only way I could communicate how I felt. Perhaps you could ask her to write back if she's not ready to talk.
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Post by rocker on Mar 4, 2010 9:17:24 GMT
Hi WG, gizmoracer
well I asked her if she read it, she said she had though funnily enough it was still sitting exactly where I left it......anyway.......she said she couldn't turn back the clock and make things better, all she can do is take her meds and try and get better from here..........which is a lot more positive than I've heard in a while
I did tell her though that while me "casting up" whats happened in the past doesn't help, she needs to understand the effect its had on me, I'm not the same person, and she can't think that taking her meds and getting herself better is suddenly making things between us right, it may sound selfish, but I told her when she gets herself better, theres still a lot of work to be done to fix us and I need to see effort from her to try and fix us, because I honestly dont think either she has realised this or if she has that she will actually make any effort. She has asked for patience, I've had patience for 4 years I don't have any at the minute and she needs to understand that
big issues for me at the minute are after making strides on our sex life its now all been withdrawn again for months and there is now basically no chance of us going for a second child - I'm in my late 30's these things piss me off lol
Still think I need a night away to recharge the batteries, we'll see, if I can find something that recharges my energy/patience/ability to cope it may help the situation a bit
thanks for your replies :-)
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Post by winegirl on Mar 5, 2010 11:27:54 GMT
Hi Rocker
I think you having a wee break is a good idea! Maybe weekend away or something? EVERYONE needs time out from time to time, but with all you have been going through, I would say you more than anyone could do with it!
I have a friend, who every now and then books herself into a cheap travellodge for the night! Has a bath, has a few bevvies from the bar, watched naff telly and sleeps in till latethe next morning. She swears it keeps her sane...
Hope all is ok for you today pal??
WG x
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Post by rocker on Mar 5, 2010 11:54:03 GMT
yeah that sounds like a good idea lol! I'm not bad today, have a boys night out tomorrow planned so something to look forward to, haven't ruled out a night away though, we'll see what happens
have a great weekend WG and everyone else!
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Post by winegirl on Mar 5, 2010 13:00:41 GMT
Thats great Rocker! Hope you have a fab night out and enjoy letting your hair down for a bit!
x
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Post by rocker on May 19, 2010 9:08:31 GMT
guess I'm kinda using this site as a diary lol!
so where are we now? went on holiday at Easter, had a great time, so much so she hasn't taken her tablets since, Doctor has told her its not advisable to try for a second child while shes on her tablets so she was using that as one of many excuses not to have sex, but now shes not on them and we've actually managed to have unprotected sex once, shes now using that also as an excuse not to take her tablets incase she is pregnant................and its not like she even has regular periods where she could say she is definitely ovulating...............
had a really bad week or so earlier this month, so much so I had to phone her parents and ask for their help again as its just becoming unmanageable, went to head out for a nice day out on Sunday, let her have a lie in, I got the wee man up dressed fed etc, and still her face was tripping her................
its so frustrating that she had tablets, stopped taking them again because she felt good on our weeks holiday so decided she didnt need them, wont talk to anyone, won't go back to the doctor, I'm actually tempted to ring the doc, find out about tablets and trying for a second child and tell him not to give her anymore repeat prescriptions as shes just stockpiling them in the cupboard as she has done with her latest prescription even though she didnt finish the last batch
all of this sound familiar? yeah its exactly the same as it was 2 and 3 years ago I should just copy and paste my messages from then.......except I no longer have the patience I had then.......
/rant off
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Post by rocker on May 19, 2010 9:09:17 GMT
oh yeah and still nobody has visited our house since Christmas and again her parents have told me not to ask them to go away on holiday with them as they can't hack it...........
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Post by monica on May 19, 2010 15:57:26 GMT
Hello
I'm sorry there has not been any significant change or I should probably say it's the same pattern repeating itself.
Stopping meds too early often brings back relapses and it;common for ladies to feel better so they stop taking them.....my dr advised takign them for a year after you feel better even though the bumf said 6 mths ...sorry sure you know this already.
perhjaps you should ring the dr and tell him what's happened so at least it's on your wife's record and they know what 's going on.
It's seem as if when your wife's on a downer she doens't heed any advice.
I can only imagine how hard this is for you... just make sure you have time out to get away to recharge your batteries. Do you have any hobbies? People to talk to?
Incidently how do you wife's moods affect your son? Maybe saying something to her on those lines - that she could enjoy your son more if she felt better.
Anyway, sorry don't have much advice to offer to you but here to listen...
Monica
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Post by rocker on May 20, 2010 8:24:45 GMT
Hi Monica
thanks for the reply, I think we're all running out of ideas lol! I've asked her if we can go together to see the doctor and work some sort of plan out as to how we help her and try and bring this as near a close as possible - I have thought about ringing him as she's gone to a different one in the surgery this time, but as you'll see from my previous threads, last time the doctor noted it but said he couldn't really do anything unless she talked to him, which she didn't
yeah I emailed her the section from the cipralex website all about what can happen if you abruptly stop them, and how much longer you need to take them, problem is the first doctor she was under told her Cipralex wasn't a long term thing that you needed to ween off you could just stop them!!!! so at least now we know thats not true, she's even said herself she wouldn't go back to that doctor as he wasn't much use
yeah I can usually manage to find an escape, I've been doing well this year, I've managed to go see some bands every couple of weeks with friends so thats helped - I've even went on my own, just to get out and get a change of scene
my wifes moods dont greatly affect my son, if anything the worst bit for him is probably when my patience is worn out and I end up shouting at her, but I've started explaining to him why I'm shouting, and he seems to understand - don't get me wrong its not that we're constantly at each others throats most of the time we'll "joke" about it in front of him its just some days the annoyance becomes too much when someone asks you the same thing 5 times in 10minutes and it starts with Will you, or can you, I've tried explaining to her that these constant repeated questions or demands now annoy me greatly and if I answer her the first or second time don't keep asking me - last summer I noted down everything she asked me in a 2 hour period, 3 topics were asked 25 times in 2 hours!! I showed her my notepad and she just laughed lol!
I always appreciate the open ears I have here, really we're at the point where only she can help us all now, my son will be 5 in August and things have not changed in over 4 years, its beyond a joke now
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