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Post by Kirsty on Mar 28, 2017 8:49:07 GMT
How are you brach?? Xx
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Post by brach24 on Mar 29, 2017 21:47:04 GMT
Oh what a lovely place this is to come to and read your encouragement and care. Just what I needed. Had s lovely Mother's Day - it's started well with cards and excitement and nEw slippers (I'm old enough to enjoy them now!... and cold enough - boilers been broken!!) normal service - mum will make the lunch - had resumed by lunchtime but nice to feel special. Also a good reminder of friends who can't have kids and how lucky I am to have my 3! Been burying my head a bit. Just to keep going. I had a smear on fri and the nurse did my bp then so my other appt got cancelled. I mentioned to her casually about my boobs but that they were ok now. She asked a few questions but didn't suggest seeing a dr or anything. Maybe because I said it had gone now... but it's back haha!! So I'm trying to bury my head and telling myself it's no big deal while all the time freaking out - not even about physical health concerns - about the idea of pregnancy. Scares the pants off me completely. Eek back to head in the sand!! Still having nights where I wake up 4 or 5 am and am highly anxious - almost panic attack. It's weird though because it's not about anything. My mind starts to try and attribute it to things but really it's just a generalised anxiety feeling. Or maybe something subconscious. Feels hormonal or chemical. I'm holding off on the meds idea as still not caught up on sleep - partly the babes and partly anxiety and partly having to work overtime. Got tonnes to finish up tomorrow and then I'm off for a week or so - wohoo!! Xx
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Post by monica on Apr 6, 2017 14:14:08 GMT
How are the hols going? How are you feeling? How are the boobs? Have you done a pregnancy test. Yes scary if you are but at least you can prepare.
What about the nights? Are you still waking panicked? I hope that's subsided X
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Post by monica on Apr 17, 2017 21:21:07 GMT
How are you doing Brach? I hope the Easter break has gone wellx
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Post by brach24 on Apr 28, 2017 21:37:05 GMT
Hey, it's been too busy and my phones been breaking. I've been a bit switched off emotionally the last few weeks. Just too much to deal with and I get anxious when I start reflecting. My youngest is being a nightmare - tantrums disobedience the word "no" 100 times an hour. My 3 yr old is so angry all the time and 9year old is having panicky meltdowns. I just feel like a rubbish mum which makes me not want to be around them which is prob why they are this way. It's a negative vicious cycle. They all demand I read their bedtime stories which upsets their dad - I know it's because it's the time I'm cuddly with them. I'm not horrible and it's not always awful but sometimes my thoughts filter it that it is all the time. Being a mum is hard and I'm not naturally gifted at it. Praying for better patience and the ability to be warm and cuddly with them xx
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Post by monica on Apr 29, 2017 12:38:00 GMT
Hi
Lots going on and all stressful ! As an objective bystander it's highly unlikely that you are the cause of any of this - you're an amazing mum, however, I'm prone to blaming myself when anything isn't going as I'd like it to in my kids' lives even though in the light of day I know that isn't the case. Could it be hormones that are affecting their behaviour? Spring cooing idea with growth spurts. Lady and year before my middle son who is normally quiet, went through periods of having rages which culminated in him being excluded from school! His teachers were equally shocked as it was just not like him to behave this way. Once he got it out his system he was back to his usual self. Sorry I digress but pushing boundaries and some kids do this in spectacular style is normal but so so draining for parents. Can you give yourself a bit of time out , even if it's for an hour, to just unwind? Big hugs lovely lady, it's bloody hard x
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Post by monica on May 10, 2017 8:17:50 GMT
How are you Brach? X
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Post by brach24 on May 15, 2017 13:51:18 GMT
Been doing quite a lot better. Middler turned 4 at the weekend. Obv a big reason to celebrate... but hard because it brings back memories of the birth and that it's 4 years since pnd started. I'm coping lots better but still some things need sorted. I have a lower tolerance for unhelpful thinking now!! I need to stop all the people pleasing - it's exhausting. Need to limit my friend group. I enjoy meeting new people but find the middle bit stressful as don't have time to keep up all those relationships... or energy. My memory is being awful. I think it's tiredness. Took the wrong tablets last night so have had to do without today and can't function. Almost fell asleep there - toddler and 4 yr old would have enjoyed the freedom of that!! Leaving them all for a night to go back to Ireland for a girls night with long standing friends. Will be good but I'm worrying g about leaving them already xx
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Post by monica on May 18, 2017 14:54:21 GMT
Hey Wonderwoman!
I know there are tough moments but I think you're coping amazingly and making real progress. I think non PNI mums struggle too - we forget that.
Enjoy your trip to Ireland - it's always a bit nerve wracking/guilt inducing leaving kids but the break will hopefully let you relax with close friends and maybe catch up on sleep. Btw I've noticed too that my memory worsens when tired or stressed . How's the new role at work going? X
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Post by monica on May 27, 2017 10:33:50 GMT
How's life Brach? X
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Post by brach24 on Jun 5, 2017 13:48:00 GMT
Just had the birthday week - now over. So much expectation is crippling. Feel bad the 2 year old didn't get many presents or even a cake. We didn't get a family meal out. We did have a trip to the zoo for the 10 year old and some of her friends which went well. The wee one hasn't been sleeping well and I ended up in the cot beside her a few nights. I'm back on the sofa this afternoon. Should be catching up on housework but can't get my head together at all. Huge fall out with hubby last night. As we were leaving to go to BBQ at my friends he says "which kids are you taking" - I had no idea he wasn't planning on coming. He came in the end but we hardly spoke and hardly spoke since. I left the wee one with him for the school run this morning and he gave me a dirty look. I know he prefers me to take her but pushing the buggy there and back seemed an uneccasary activity when I'm sore and tired as it is. He's stressed about work but I hate that every time he's stressed he gets grumpy at me. I've just shouted at the middle one for keeping disturbing my rest. Feel bad now. I often wonder if I'd be more patient if I wasn't so tired Xx
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Post by brach24 on Jun 7, 2017 20:59:19 GMT
Beginning to feel a wee shift happening. I am feeling the 2 opposites of really together and in charge vs other times of hardly keeping anything together and just giving up. I swing between them regularly though the day. I know this is in part to my physical health being bad - debilitating headaches - and the low energy that comes with it. I see the specialist on fri and hope for answers... although I've forgotten to get my bloods done in time! It's also because of the crap relationship with my hubby st the moment. I know he's stressed about his deadline tonight. He's shut me out. Even when I ask about how he's getting on he gives one word answers. I'm just angry at him now... and anxious because my anxiety always goes up when there's tension between us. My libido has dipped for the first time ever in the last few months and it's really not helping. Also want to start eating better but I comfort eat and can't seem to kick it. Just ate a whole box of chocs. Dislike myself for it but will prob do the same again... how did I ever manage a strict paleo diet?? Sorry for the winges. Feeling glum. A positive story... Had a lovely thank you gift from one of the teenagers in my church youth group thanking me for all I've done for her and telling me all she's learnt through me... honestly the best present ever. I'm amazed that she has been so affected by me when I've just been struggling along and getting by... def don't feel inspirational haha!! Hugely touched by it. Sad she's leaving this year Xx
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Post by monica on Jun 8, 2017 10:33:25 GMT
Hi
I wanted to reply to your penultimate post but just didn't have time . Happy birthday to your treasure - they need very few pressies just love and I'm sure you have lots of that.
How wonderful to receive a thank you gift - you're an amazing lady to give so much to someone in spite of difficulties in your life at the time.
I'm sorry about hubby being difficult- it doesn't help you at all. Hopefully once the stress is over hell behave better - it's a typical male reaction for sure - they withdraw into their man cave and sulk ! Maybe once He's thawed have a chat with him?
You sound as if you're coping well and are stronger in yourself. I hope dr can help with the physical stuff x
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Post by brach24 on Jun 12, 2017 23:07:40 GMT
Fridays Doc appointment was brutal. Left in tears. My whole identity has swapped back to "patient" and I feel like a victim. I don't want to be an inpatient on any ward. I don't want invasive surgery. I don't want to inject myself with chemo drugs. I don't want more referrals to other doctors. I don't want brain scans and worries about results. I've previously been grateful for the care and drs time etc but now I've lost trust that any of these things will help. Maybe this period of good health means I have to grieve all over again like I did when I was ill at first. I need faith in something bigger and a purpose in this all. Went to church last night and that really helped. Praying again now. Sorry I know this forum isn't for this stuff. I rejoined the physical health forums looking for info to make good choices but I remember why I left them before - ignorance is bliss! Ugh I'd curl up in a ball and ignore it if I wasn't in so much pain and in need of some intervention somehow. Cleaning up my diet in hopes it might help somehow.
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Post by monica on Jun 13, 2017 14:37:56 GMT
Lots and lots of hugs Brachxxx
It's no wonder the appt has made you feel so low - it's a lot to take in. Do you have all the information you need to make a decision about treatment (or not) options? It does sound very overwhelming. Will the treatment make you feel very ill initially? Will it help in the long term? Maybe you need for time for it to sink in then perhaps together with hubby you can discuss options/support etc. It's so important to have support at times like this and glad you have your faith which can make you feel less alone.
You know where we are if you want to offloadx
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