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Post by laus1987 on May 25, 2015 7:55:01 GMT
Hi all, I'm new to this type of thing so excuse me if I come across a bit nervous. I've been looking through the threads on 'horrible thoughts' and they are really helpful. I have a two year old little boy and after severe hyperemesis starting at 4 weeks pregnant until the end and then an emergency section I was diagnosed with PND. At that point I was full off adrenaline, happiness and love for my little boy and I completely ignored that anything was wrong with me. I went to CBT but didn't listen as I didn't think I needed it. About 12 weeks ago I had a bit of a bad day after having a terrible thought come into my mind after I had watched something on the news about sexual abuse. It went round and round in my head and made me feel both sick and emotional. My mum suggested I phone the doctor and tell them I wasn't feeling great, I couldn't get an appointment so a doctor phoned me. She was on the phone no longer than 5 minutes and then just prescribed me Prozac. I thought it was worth a try but boy was I wrong. I took them for 11 days in total and it was sheer hell! I couldn't eat at all as I felt so sick and the nasty thoughts were coming constantly. It's like it had locked me into the horrible cycle of them. I wasn't sleeping and suffering from terrible anxiety (which I never have) and shaking. I have a great support network in my husband and my mum luckily because I just didn't want to be here anymore. I thought I had turned into some sort of sick person having those thoughts. They were predominantly about my son (initially anyway) but then my mind was telling me I was capable of being weird and having thoughts about all children and therefore everytime I saw a little one the thoughts would come into my head. It's made me feel sick to the stomach and like an awful person. I became disattatched to my little boy and quite numb and I couldn't believe all of this had happened in the space of a few weeks from when I took the tablets. I came off them after 11 days and I am now involved in a CBT group course which is 6 weeks. I'm so much better than I was and the thoughts have got a bit better but they are still there and it's sort of like what this has all left behind.The way I describe it is they are like Tourette's of the mind, they just appear and scare the hell out of you. I manage to not brood on them now and they go but I'm scared they will never fully go, I just want my life back to normal again!! Sorry for the rant guys but I thought those of you with experience of this will be able to help and reassure me that I will be fully recovered one day.I'm not on meds as I have come so far without and I am terrified of anything like that after the Prozac! L xx
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frogface
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Post by frogface on May 25, 2015 14:06:58 GMT
What a nightmare for you! I'm glad the CBT is helping and just wanted to let you know I suffered with awful thoughts of hurting my children. At some stage I accepted I would always have these thoughts and I just had to learn that they didn't mean I was going to act on them. Eventually they faded and now they are gone. I didn't think I would ever be able to say that. It was a long hard slog but it isn't forever. The Prozac sounds like a nightmare, that it really didn't agree with you. Please bear in mind that not all medication will have the same effect. So try not to let it scare you away from trying another medication if you feel like you might need it. Good luck and keep talking.
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Post by laus1987 on May 25, 2015 14:47:05 GMT
Thanks for yor reply! If really does help knowing you can talk on here as other know what you are going through. It must certainly have been the Prozac that locked me into these thoughts and now they have become habit... Although I can hopefully say I'm on the way to recovery as they aren't as bad as they were. I seem to have been strong in a way and not avoid anything that triggers the thoughts so haven't developed a fear of things so much so I suppose that is one less thing to battle against! I seem to have a hormonal problem that makes me so horrifically poorly in pregnancy and I'm no good with any contraceptive pills so maybe that's why te Prozac sent me nuts. As you can appreciate though this makes me so scared of taking anti d's as I don't want to revert back to square one. I'm not ruling them out completely but after this CBT course ends in 2 weeks (it's a classroom environment one educating you on CBT) then I am going to ask if there is a one to one who specialises in PNI that I can be in touch with, even if I have to pay. I just want to be my normal self again and gain my confidence I used to have and hopefully in the future feel like I can have another little one! Thanks so much for your advice! L x
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frogface
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Post by frogface on May 25, 2015 16:13:21 GMT
I think if you're able to face your triggers that is a huge step in the right direction it sounds like you are really making progress. I found that helped me too, once I Was able for it. I just wanted to say the first anti-depressant I was on did not agree with me. It drove me over the edge and it was only when I had run out of options I agreed to try a different one. The one that worked for me is known for having terrible side effects and being hard to come off but it worked for me (twice) and probably saved my life. I had no issues coming off it. Have you said your thoughts out loud to anyone?
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Post by laus1987 on May 25, 2015 17:04:35 GMT
Hi Frogface! Yeah I get what your saying, as I say I won't rule them out completely as I still have good and bad days but want to try to do it without if possible. If not I will see the doctor. I have told my husband and mum about the thoughts but not said them all outloud, I don't know if that would help at the moment as I feel like I may hopefully slowly be recovering so don't want to take a step back. I will be asking to see someone after this CBT course though who deals with pni. How are you feeling with it all?are you recovered? L x
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frogface
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Post by frogface on May 25, 2015 21:24:05 GMT
Yes I feel like I'm completely recovered. My youngest turns four next week and it's only really since christmas that I felt like it was all behind me, It feels like it was a bad dream and not something I'd wish on anyone.
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Post by laus1987 on May 26, 2015 7:22:29 GMT
It horrific for us as loving mothers to have to endure such a horrible illness. I'm hoping each day I'm improving and that will only get better and better! Fingers crossed. I really want the confidence to have another baby in the future so my little boy isn't alone. It's strange... About 14 weeks ago I was planning on another and then hit a low point and the Prozac and BAM! Lost all of my confidence as a mother, a wife and daughter. I hope this fully returns x
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frogface
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Post by frogface on May 26, 2015 8:16:51 GMT
I hope so too! I always wanted lots of kids but things don't always work out the way we plan. Who am I kidding - things don't EVER turn out the way we plan!! But you have a lovely wee baby to enjoy for now, asich as you can x
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Post by monica on May 26, 2015 8:18:18 GMT
Hello and welcome
It sounds as if you are doing all the right things to aid ur recovery. It's really pisitive you're making progress do well done.
This is a cruel illness and the obsessive and distressing thoughts can be hard to overcome as they become so ingrained in ur normal thought processes. They R just thoyghts and were described to me as the mothering instinct going into overdrive where u see danger , often of the most horrific kind happening to ur child or others. My obsessive thoyghts revolved around illnesses and death but these took over my life.
You will recover though of that I'm sure.
Meds can help hugely but it's common for it to take several goes to find one that works for you. Unfortunately if they don't agree with u it can make u feel terrible.
You mentioned you've lost confidence as a mum - that's commin too but as u recover it will come backx
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Post by L on May 26, 2015 9:54:18 GMT
Hi Monica, Thanks for your reply. It such a hard condition to overcome and in terms of myself the depression is lifting but as you say the thoughts become habit in your mind. It's just about learning to control them and push them away as they themselves can cause you to be depressed. My confidence is coming back slowly but surely and rather than thinking 'I can never have another child' I'm thinking of 'when I have another one' it's such a debilitating illness at times and I was never aware of this side of it until seeing this forum where other mums speak up. I saw Nat's itv interview and it inspired me so much as she is so strong coming forward and speaking out over it. I'm looking for a pni group in my area but there doesn't seem to be one so I may consider opening a PANDA one up, I've sent off for all of the information. Hopefully this will be another tool in helping my recovery x
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Post by monica on May 26, 2015 14:43:23 GMT
That's brilliant! Go for it! It will boost ur confidence massively! I honestly think ur recovering very quickly which is great. Nat talking about her experience was fantastic and has given confidence to so many ladies that firstly this is a PNI symptom and secondly they will recoverx
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Post by laus1987 on May 26, 2015 19:55:48 GMT
Thanks Monica! I am proud of myself in a way for how far I've come. I'm still up and down at times though, had a bit of a blip this afternoon thoughts wise and letting them overcome me a bit but I gained control again quicker than I used to but it just leaves you feeling a bit worn out and sick after an episode of it. I'm sure that can only improve in time. I know, what Nat has done is fantastic and it's helped me so much. It gives you confidence that you will recover even when your mind says you won't at times. I just want to feel 100% better but I know I takes time and I need to be kind to myself x
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Post by laus1987 on May 28, 2015 7:56:02 GMT
Not had the best couple of days if I'm honest. Was emotional yesterday which I haven't been for a little bit and I struggled to sleep last night so have woken feeling awful today like I will never get over this. I realise I need to go to the doctors again soon (my CBT group finishes in 2 weeks-I have one tonight) and although some of the techniques help I think I may need a bit more help with all of this. I'm so exhausted with it all and lack energy to fight if anymore which is maybe what I need help with. I'm just so scared of anti d's after my last episode with them. Has anyone ever tried St Johns Wort? I know I'm getting there slowly without meds but it's just days like this that throw me off guard and my mind becomes consumed again. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks x
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Post by monica on May 28, 2015 9:11:16 GMT
Hi
As horrible as it feels it's normal for the illness to have ups and downs (blips) - often black ips can be triggered by specific events or Pmt even if u didn't suffer from this before.
When ur in this low spot it can feel so bleak and hopeless but I promise you will pick up.the best thing to do is try to ride it out. Do nice things for urself and above all be kind to urself. If u can exercise can help hugely even a brisk walk can get those endorphins going .
Why don't u talk about St johns wort with Dr . Sorry I don't have any experience of it but it's supposed to be good. Vitamin B can help and evening primrose supplements x
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Post by laus1987 on May 28, 2015 13:10:21 GMT
Thanks Monica, I'm off out for a brisk walk with the little one before I have my CBT group tonight. I'm not doing too bad but I do find the mornings seem to be worse. Especially if I haven't slept well the evening before. I will look into those supplementsz L x
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