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Post by beverley on Dec 20, 2006 9:55:31 GMT
Hi Matt,
Lovely to hear such positive news from you. Wishing all of your family the very best.
xxx
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kl77
Senior Member
Posts: 343
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Post by kl77 on Dec 21, 2006 8:05:07 GMT
Hi Matt (and Lucy)
I'm really pleased that you have had some time together away from the hospital environment and that the outlook is positive. Love as always to Lucy and of course you and the girls
KL x
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dl
Full member
Posts: 44
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Post by dl on Dec 21, 2006 18:21:51 GMT
Hi La and KL77, Many thanks for your posts, I really appreciate it! LUCY IS OUT!!! She is sitting on the floor about 2 metres from me as I write this and is playing with the girls. We had the CPA meeting today before discharge, Lucy, me and about 6 members of the 'care' team - I'll post more about this in detail soon...it was surreal....a word I have gotten very used to!! Last night Lucy thought of suicide!? Just when I thought everything was going OK - to be honest I was kind of expecting it...she is not 'better'....she is better than she was 3 weeks ago but not 'better' as in before babies better - she feels lost...'who am I'? 'What is my purpose in life"? "why am I here"?.....do any of you guys feel this??? I've said to Lucy I will leave everything, my family, my job, the country! She needs to work out what she wants for her - this is kind of a "I nealy died but now I need to re-assess what I want from life" kind of thing. I love her enough to understand if the 'new' her doesn't involve me - although we have talked about this and she has assured me that this isn't going to happen! Somebody from church came to our house today today because they knew Lucy was being discharged - I can see that the 'outside' world will now think that that Lucy is 'Better' and will begin treating her as they did - Lucy might respond as she did and feel as she used to....putting us back to square one!!!! ? I hope and pray (literally) that won't happen I spent about 30mins on the phone to Lucy's Mum last night and told her some home truths (stood up to her!!!) As I said to her "you need to stop treating Lucy like a 15 year old teenager and begin treating her like a 30 year old adult woman and give her some credit" - maybe that's a lesson for me too as we begin rebuilding our lives!!! Love toall, Matt
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Post by newwie on Dec 21, 2006 21:10:38 GMT
Oh matt im so glad lucy is out and you are starting to build life back up again. I would like to say something and hope that you dont get hurt by this only my opinion and i might be completly wrng in this, But when you said Somebody from church came to our house today today because they knew Lucy was being discharged - I can see that the 'outside' world will now think that that Lucy is 'Better' and will begin treating her as they did - Lucy might respond as she did and feel as she used to....putting us back to square one!!!! ? By this i felt like oh nooooo it slike i fear as i would fear myself thinking god only first day out and people are expecting me to put my face back on. I would be terrified by this maybe lucy wouldnt or might not of even noticed. But iw would please take this easy as it is the time that will heal not with the fact of people telling you or expecting you by there body language to be better and get better quickly i only ope that lucy can be herself and get there slowley rather than too quickly. I dont know if this makes sense maybe i shouldnt of wrote this as im in teh process of changing meds and all over the placeand maybe not thinking straight myself but i felt like i had to write it. Hope i didnt offend you newwie
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Post by yoyo on Dec 21, 2006 23:42:55 GMT
It sounds like Lucy is in recovery - O know that may sound weird with the thoughts still occuring etc etc but this really does linger for a good while. I foudn that PNI broke me into a million little pieces that I had to find places for. I also found as I began to re-build myself that I had changed - for the better mainly but this also put strain on others around me. I was more outspoken, more feeling, more emotional etc etc I felt life more fully and still do. PNI did change me but for the better. I hope Lucy can find the strength to build things up and be prepared that reecvoery is a bumoy old road - full of ups and downs but look back over the months and you'll see just how far you have come - wishing you all the best. Keep in touch and enjoy each good moment
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dl
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Posts: 44
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Post by dl on Dec 22, 2006 7:54:05 GMT
Hi Newwie and Yoyo, Many thanks for your posts - they really help. Newwie, please don't worry...you are absolutely spot on and did the right thing in saying what you said. If Lucy had broken her leg she would have her leg in plaster, be on crutches and her suffering would be very visible. I know that 3 weeks in hospital is not the answer....there are others out ther who do not (and don't really want to) understand PNI - Lucy has told me that "you understand about 95% of what I'm going through" - but I have lived/am living through it - I understand it because I love to bits and I want her to get better,,,,for her!! You said - this is EXACTLY my concern for Lucy - I can't be there all the time to tell people to 'back off' but in time Lucy will get stronger and begin to learn to deal with the outside world again with the benefit of meds, CBT, time and friends.........this experience has really shown us who our friends are!!! Yoyo - I recognise we're in for a "bumpy ride" - you're right that in a few month's time we'll look back and think 'wow'....we're beginning to do that now already by comparing now with three weeks ago!! I really like that description and I really think Lucy could relate to this - thanks!! I'm off to the doc's today - he's keeping an eye on me (same doc that sent Lucy to A&E) - yesterday, as I mentionned we had the CPA meeting. Lucy and I entered the room that was arranged with the chairs in a semi-circle -and there were representatives from different parts of the care team, I think about 6 in all!! It was very daunting even for a 6ft4 skinhead let alone a petite 5ft4 woman with PNI....when will these people ever learn? ?? Anyway - I did what I do and intervened if I could see Lucy getting uncomfortable - a couple of times I had to ask questions for me as I couldn't understand their jargon! Anyway - we have a care plan! - It goes something like this "so Lucy, if you experience bad panic attacks or have dark thoughts you must go to A&E"..................why did we need to have a meeting with 6 people to state the bl**dy obvious? Anyway - on a positive note Lucy likes her CPN and will be meeting with her next week - and hopefully the doc will sign me off work for a while longer...just till Lucy gets a bit stronger - I got offered a "carer's assessment yesterday" - I found this quite interesting...I refused though!! Sorry for my little rant - I'll keep you posted (it helps Love to all Matt
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dl
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Post by dl on Dec 26, 2006 8:28:00 GMT
Hi All, Me again I had hoped to come back here and wish you all a Happy Christtmas - a bit late now but I really hope you all had a good one. For me at one point I really believed Lucy wouldn't be here...but she was...and IT WAS GREAT....simple, quiet, but brilliant!! She is out and posting see - veritee.proboards7.com/index.cgi?board=general&action=display&n=1&thread=1878I saw the doctor on Friday...he just wants to keep an eye on me - ironically he subjected me to the depression test....I scored very well and apparently have "moderate depression"...I declined drugs but accepted a counsellor!!! It's hard to do simple 'normal' things at the mo - like "just popping out to Tescos" and leaving Lucy with the girls....Lucy swears that she'll be fine - but I know from experience that a lot can happen in 30 minutes!!!!! - I've got to unlearn this and try and clear my head of certain memories as part of the recovery process...yet another thing that will 'take time' To her credit she is doing outstandingly well but despite promising that she will talk more about her feelings and 'communicate' I'm still deeply suspicious of the dreaded MASK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Who knows what 2007 will bring? I hope for all of us it brings peace and renewed strength. Love to all, Matt
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Post by monica on Dec 26, 2006 11:07:28 GMT
Hello
Just been cathching up on your thread adn am so pleased your wife is on the mend. It does take time with lots of ups and downs. It must all be very frightening for you but you will all get there.
Your wife is so lucky to have you. You are so kind and caring.
All the best
Monica
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karen1977
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Mother to the smiliest baby in town, who helped me get through and see the light again!
Posts: 45
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Post by karen1977 on Dec 27, 2006 11:02:14 GMT
Hey Matt, Good to hear that Lucy is responding well to the new meds. I am on 20mg Citalopram and noticed a difference from day 1 (even though the GP reckons they take weeks to start working, but then again, 1 paracetamol knocks me out!!) and have been getting on good with them since (been on them 4 weeks now) but from talking to the other girls here, switching meds to suit the person and the changing healing process is still a bit of a black art, so fingers crossed it will bring Lucy back up onto an even keel. That is what I have found with my meds, that they have made the lows not so low and I am more aware of everything else, so am distracted from the bad moods and am starting to enjoy the normal things in life again. I am jaded tired though, but depression makes you tired and the meds make you tired and a seven month old "just learned how to crawl and I'm going to eat the cat so nothing is safe anymore!" makes you tired too!! If I dont speak to you before, have a happy new year, lets hope its a good one
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dl
Full member
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Post by dl on Jan 1, 2007 9:43:22 GMT
Hi All, Monica - many thanks for your post and much needed boost to my confidence, I really appreciated it Karen 1977 - I really hope New Year wasn't too much of a strain for you - Lucy has said that the lows make her feel not as low too - but now she says she feels 'stuck' - not as bad as she was but nowhere near as good as she would like to be...just 'stuck'.....no-man's land!!!! I hope starting CBT etc will help with that. Hope the cat's OK For me I am learning....everything!! A couple of days ago I fell into the trap of "you are my Wife and my best friend and I have feelings too...can I tell you how I feel".....big mistake!!! For a moment I thought..."Lucy is out of hospital...life is not great but it's nowhere near as bad as it was and Lucy is 'getting better'" I've held her through the panic attacks over the last few days - I don't know what else to do...I have tried to rationalise things and tell her 'it will all be ok'....to be honest part of me says it to reassure myself!! Don't get me wrong we have come a hell of a long way in a very short period of time and now we are looking in to the void of New Year....I hate New Year at the best of times...but whatever happens I think this will be a good one....the only thing I'm asking of Lucy is to be more honest about her feelings.....yesterday there was a dark atmosphere and I said "are you OK" she said "I'm fine".....oh no you're not....I know you're not...you know I know you're not...you know you're not...so why say "I'm fine??"....NO MASK WEARING FOR ME THANKS....just be honest...although, deep down I know it's not that simple.....feel free to accuse me of being a "typical man"....all black and white and logical.....it does seem to make sense though!! If you've read the threads you'll know about one of Lucy's coping strategies....for me, it's the booze...I drink far too much and I know all about the depressive effects of alcohol. I want to stop and cope with this without the booze - I need to be proactive in how I deal with this...I can handle my drink extremely well but it can loosen the tongue at times. There is a part of me that thinks that Lucy thinks when I tell her "it will all be OK" and "we'll get through it" and even "I love you" that it is just because I've had a drink and not because I really mean it....which I do!! Sorry for the slightly rambly post - a bit of a 'brain dump' before I go and get the girls dressed...Lucy's still in bed having taken a sleeping tablet...I don't blame her!! Love to all, Matt
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Post by newwie on Jan 2, 2007 21:12:46 GMT
Hi How are things today been I know its the most stressfull time at the moment as i think its just the build up and the total let down of everything at this time of year. I too have a massive habit of saying even to he councillor and people that are here to support me that hey yes im fine its a habit that i find hard t break but all your life youa re told dont be a moaner you cant exactly say to someone thats passing when they say how are you well actually im shit and they are like gobsmacked at teh thought of you saying that as everybody replys fine thanks its a habit that we all gaina nd its just hard. My h.v has cottoned on now and says to me well if you want to ie today thats fine by me or you can tell me the truth or she will say if im really vunerable looking i dont think that you are today do you want to talk about it and i will either reply no or yes and then she listens. So dont expect it i know you dont and its not a typical bloke thing i think we all do it over time as i say habit and bad habits die hard dont they. Well i hope you are all ok i know lucy was a bit stressed but missed her the other night but hope she is holding up well newwie thinking of you all.
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dl
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Post by dl on Jan 5, 2007 8:52:02 GMT
Hi Newwie,
Many thanks for your thoughts and for taking the time out to post.
Throughout all of this I have begun saying things like "what do you want, the expected answer or the truth?" if people ask me "how are you?"....they don't know how to take that.
I then decided that was a bit too confrontational so I started grading myself.....giving myself marks out of 10...it would go something like this.....
"hey Matt how are you today" - "I'm afraid I'm running at about a 2 today"....those that really cared would ask 'why'....there were a couple of people at work who really latched on to this scoring system and we would compare scores and talk about why we were scoring so high or low on a particular day. It may sound weird but I found it really helped and brought me quite close to a few people at work.
I do this beacuse I hate the pretence of "hi how are you?"...."I'm fine thanks, how are you?"
Lucy is doing remarkably well - but it's still early days and as you'd expect we've had ups and downs....she finds it difficult to see her achievements....such as taking the car out on her own....going to a friends house for coffee on her own....etc and she still has a habit of focussing on the negative and has tried to push herself too hard...."I must do this..." "I should do this..." "If I don't do this then the PNI has won...".....I do find this mindset difficult at times as I'm encouraging her to listen to her body and rest etc but then I find her doing jobs such as "tidying"....which in Lucy's case means moving the kids' toys from one side of the room to the other....a nervous activity she would do before hospital in order to distract her thoughts.
Anyway, we have the CBT booked for Jan 15 and yesterday I got my appointment with mental health services for Jan 12.....I really need somebody to talk to....I have made the mistake a couple of times of thinking I can talk to my best friend...my Wife...about this.....big mistake....this just gives her more ammo to torture herself with when she is in the dark place........hopefully we'll be able to talk as we used to in time!?
Thanks to all who read/reply
Love to all, Matt
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Post by winegirl on Jan 5, 2007 17:09:02 GMT
Hi Matt
Good luck with the CBT. I have been having it for my physical symptoms and anxiety and find it really helps keep me in control a bit. I know how Lucy feels not seeing alot of her acheivements. I spend the whole time thinking `i am crap coz I cant do this and that' and never really look at all the great stuff i have done like going to the shops or even returning to work this week! You just have to keep pointing out how well she is doing I think. Thinking of you both
Winegirl x
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karen1977
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Mother to the smiliest baby in town, who helped me get through and see the light again!
Posts: 45
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Post by karen1977 on Jan 6, 2007 20:14:25 GMT
Hi all,
Thanks Matt the cat is stil alive, had a bit of a setback on Christmas day, drank to much and all the badness came back, I knew it was the drink and was saying (read "screaming) to my husband that although I knew I was being irrational, I needed to get rid of the feelings (long story short, I misunderstood something he said and was ready to leave him...little bit on the dramatic side methinks) it was horrible though to feel myself spiralling back down and it just took hold of me, just like when you said you could see it hit Lucy, I think it must have been the same for Gavin 'cos he got very frightened and although I was insisting that I was fine (we all do it, dont we?) but still insisting that I was also going to sleep on the sofa (dont all couples?) he wouldnt leave me alone and forced me to talk it through upstairs in bed, which did help a lot and the next day I wrote it all down scoring my emotions and asking "what was the worst that could have happened" and I realised that Gavin could have left me (big leap her, but the mind aint the best at the moment) and of course he would take Adam with him (I currently have a Social services agreement that says I am not to be left alone with Adam). The point here is that it was olnly after analysing the situation the day after and using the tools that my CPN has given me (a Thought Record, taken from Mind over Mood by Dennis Greenberger and Christine Padesky) that I was able to look a bit further and rather than stopping at "well he is just a selfish bastard who thinks he deserves a medal for doing anything" (I am bice, aren't I?) to, "Holy crap, it would really hurt if I lost my baby and my husband" it was a real breakthrough for me to have an emotional response at the thought of losing Adam as my depresssion has suppressed any maternal feelings I have had and I have ranged from being bored with him to totally detached and would probably throw him down the stairs if only I could be bothered (which thankfully I never could).
Ok enough rambling from me, give Lucy my love, please God things will keep looking up.
Karen x
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dl
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Post by dl on Jan 7, 2007 8:51:52 GMT
Hi Karen, Many thanks for your post - I am in the process of the breakfast routine with the girls at the mo so can't reply fully (which I want to as you make you really important and helpful points) - I will come back on when I have a bit more time. I just wanted to say WELL DONE...... I like the sound of "real breakthrough" - good for you....sounds like this was a leap as opposed to a 'step' forward. More soon...... Take care Karen and hang in there (glad the cat's OK Love to all, Matt
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