dl
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Post by dl on Jan 7, 2007 9:57:04 GMT
Me again,
Breakfasts all done and Lucy is still in bed.
Winegirl - many thanks for your post, I'm pleased CBT seems to be working, I hope going back to work wasn't too stressful? To be honest I'm a bit worried about CBT as I think I'm putting all my eggs in one basket....I hear such good stuff about it but what if it doesn't work??
Some of the stuff that Lucy is dealing with goes right back to her childhood and already the dynamic of her family relationships have changed...I don't think it will ever be like it was...maybe CBT just helps to sort thoughts and "heal the past".......her brother has no idea what she's going through and will never accept any responsibility and at times I still want to pay him a visit to help him realise........
Karen - Just to pick up where I left off:
Sorry for the big quote but:
I can relate to this on so many levels - Lucy and I have had many similar rows which have led to either me or her threatening to walk out/sleep in the spare room etc etc.
The most important point is that you talked it through....as you can see from my past threads I think this is so important.
Over the past few days Lucy has said that she is finding it hard to talk to me - I find this so hard but realised yesterday that I've stopped listening and started doing what I used to ...finding "solutions" to her problems...this in turn makes Lucy think that her problems are small or 'silly' and so she stops talking to me about her problems....ah ha - a Vicious circle (welcome back old friend.....)
As you have mentioned in a previous post you are an analytical person and in this case you were able to implement tools to help you deal with the situation- I think that's great. I hope, moving forward that Lucy will be able to implement similar tools.
On a general note - we discussed when I should go back to work yesterday....I am dreading it....my current situation is not ideal (I'm still on a sick note) but atleast I can be at home and look after luce and help with the girls etc but soon I'll be back at the University nervously waiting for my mobile phone to ring....I really hope not!!
As ever many thanks to all who read/reply!
Love to all, Matt
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karen1977
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Mother to the smiliest baby in town, who helped me get through and see the light again!
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Post by karen1977 on Jan 9, 2007 16:53:19 GMT
Hi Matt, thanks for the reply, all I can say to you re. going back to work is "baby steps", that is how I am getting through so much, from helping Adam sleep through the night (8 months old and still waking, little maggot! I havent given up work with my illness, in many ways it has been my saviour and my satan as it allows me some "me" time but also reminds me of "the good old days"..whatever they were. You need to keep talking to other people too, my husband feels like he cant burden me with anything and when we had our blowout it only came out then that he feels like he is walking on eggshells, but then I start to feel guilty that he isnt venting and will start to resent me (well not me, but the illness and the effect it is having on our family life) so we have "hello vicious circle !" all over again. The silly things are the ones that I fret about most, like a comment whilst watching "desperate housewives" about him (my husband) killing his first wife and them not finding the body...normally this would be very funny, but the old mind is fond of racing to the extremes with little things these days (that would be the manic side of my depression which is more active in the last weeks) and it quite upset me, so I can totally see where he is coming from with the "walking on eggshells" comment, but I havent worked out how to de-sensitise myself from it yet. Normally, I am quite crude and certainly not a good friend of tact but these days it is not just the lows that are lower but I suppose all my reactions are heightened, so something that would be "flash through the mind" suspicious becomes "oh my god he killed his wife" in a matter of seconds. Sorry, I am rambling again, my stream of consciousness is all over the shop these days! Btw, what is CBT?? my only encounter is CBT from motorbike training? and I am presuming you are not doing that!! Good luck with your decision on returning to work, please try to keep your chin up, baby steps ! everyday Lucy is at home is a measure of sucess
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dl
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Post by dl on Jan 12, 2007 10:24:39 GMT
Hi Karen, Many thanks for your post - I've just got an email back from work to say that they have accepted my 'graduated' return to work - essentially my sick leave will finish on Jan 29th but then I can take alternating days as annual leave - hopefully this will give Lucy the opportunity to begin to get back to 'normal' (whatever that is??) with the knowledge that if it does all go pear shaped one day I can be home the next to sort the girls etc - my work have been fantastic and I am so fortunate!! 'Baby steps' is so true...both Lucy and I have a habit of trying to run before we can walk. I'm still nervous about going back to work though - I just want to be here to protect them all....and I've started thinking about what an iritating over-protective Dad I'm going to be to the girls when they are older...I'm not a control freak I just want to be in all places at all times to solve all problems as when they arise - when I'm at work that can't happen.....to be honest I think a small part of Lucy will be pleased to have me from out of her hair...in a nice way!! Sorry - CBT - Cognitive Behavioural Therapy - it is essentially a specific type of therapy to help people understand their thoughts/feelings/emotions and to try and help deal with them in a more positive and realistic way....this is a very over-simplified explanation and is only my understanding...I'm no expert....Lucy has her 2nd session on Monday.....there are Government reports to suggest that CBT is extremely beneficial and should have more investment. Having said that - I AM (sorry) thinking about doing my CBT this year (the motorbike one) - I live near Heathrow airport in the Staines area and I work in Reading (at the Uni) - the drive can take anything from 1-2 hours...I have spent many a frustrated time sat in a queue on the motorway having had one of 'those' phone calls from Lucy along the lines of ....'get home NOW!'...and I'm stuck in a damn car thinking all sorts of thoughts!! Having said that I have also driven on the motorway at verynaughty MPH in an effort to get home before the cuts go too far.......I have my first counselling session today....hopefully someone can take a bit of pressure off my head.
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karen1977
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Mother to the smiliest baby in town, who helped me get through and see the light again!
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Post by karen1977 on Jan 12, 2007 13:47:44 GMT
Hey Matt, Thanks for letting me hijack your thread! I have been finding it really helpful and I am glad that you have too, with all the sharing of experiences. As for the motorbike thing, I used to ride (pre pregnancy - well we actually did a 2500 mile round trip to Italy when I was 6-8 weeks pregnant) and I loved it, soo miss my bike (gave it up for the little one, the car drivers here are w**kers when it comes to bike etiquette, not at all like on the continent) but I do hope to get back to it someday. My husband still rides, and I can take his bike out if I want (but his is a bit scary, its an Aprilla mille, I only passed my test november 05 and rode a BMW 650 scarver). Loads of fun, you just need to look out for all the maniacs out there!! nothing to worry about then. Have a good weekend, Karen
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Post by newwie on Jan 12, 2007 22:10:43 GMT
HI I just read your thread and noticed that lucy is starting her CBT. ANd also your comment about putting all eggs in one basket. I went to cbt and it was more aimed at yes dealing witht he emotions and the feelings and working through them ie you go in and for exapmle you say to them that everything i do goes wrong... They will then get you to turn that round and gradually learn you that not everything you do goes wrong, for exaple you did the pots today that didnt go wrong, you dressed yourself that didnt go wrong, they do this untill you finally realise yourself and learn to accet that your thinking isnt always right and that everything you do does go wrong. I will say i went for the six weeks but was stopped due to the lady going on the sick but the sessions i did have yes they showed me other ways of thinking, but i feel like it would of been better had i been more well as the negativity was still there and i didnt accept it. I also have to say that they do not work through issues from your past only really issues on your ways of thinking and offering you advise and services where you can go from there to be honest. This was in my area though yours may be different. But i would say if this is a issue that lucy needs to discuss and work through she needs to be lookng at maybe pychotherapy or councilling. Its only my opinion though.
Newwie
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Post by villagewife on Jan 18, 2007 20:58:22 GMT
Hi Matt,
Just come across your thread - just wanted to wish you good luck with CBT which I guess you both will have started by now. I really found CBT helpful, although it did require hard work but it'll be worth it in the end! Wishing you strength with that.
Thank you also for the Bible reading - it was really powerful.
VW
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dl
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Post by dl on Jan 25, 2007 0:51:23 GMT
Hi All, Karen, Newwie and VIllagewife many thanks for your posts - karen; hijack away - it really helps!! Where to start? I know it's been a while....sorry about that! (long story)! Lucy is physically fine...as are the girls...so no problems there!! Me? Not so sure!! We went to see Lucy's parents this weekend - before that LOTS of chats about letters, confronting the brother etc etc. I thought it went well - felt very close to lucy - all went wrong tonight...(very, very) long story!!! Tonight is a real pisser - I want to write about things from Lucy's perspective but WHAT ABOUT ME? ? I know that sounds selfish....hey ho!! Lucy's CBT is going well although we had to cancel a session today because of the snow. I have my first session this Friday and frankly I am beyond the point of wanting to talk to somebody!! Thanks as ever to all those that read and reply Love to all, Matt
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Post by cheshire on Jan 25, 2007 16:43:04 GMT
Hi DL
I hope it goes well for you on Friday. Glad Lucie's CBT is going ok.
Keep in touch Hopeful
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Post by newwie on Jan 28, 2007 22:40:43 GMT
HI I just wanted ot add a little note as not doing to well today but i wish to say to you, you are not been selfish at all in saying "What about me" you have a right aswell it obviuosly will effect everyone who ives in your house so no i agree when you sayit and i do understand that's why you have this thread aswell as lucy has her thread as its a way to vent anything you wish to say really and express and say what you wish to. This will prevent you building up your anger,frustration etc etc and then exploding at the wrong time or the wrong person or whatever so you keep going. I hope you are doing well and family.
Take care newwie
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karen1977
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Mother to the smiliest baby in town, who helped me get through and see the light again!
Posts: 45
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Post by karen1977 on Jan 29, 2007 20:38:04 GMT
Hey Matt, You re not selfish at all, PNI is something that the family suffers with, not just the mother, we all realise that. Of course you need to vent too, you are having to be stong all the time and hold it all together so of course things are going to get on top of you, be nice to yourself, you are not superman. Take help from anyone who offers and feel free to have a good old rant yourself, I know my husband doesnt feel he can rant to me as he thinks I have enough to deal with and you probably feel the same, but you must have someone, call a friend, go have a beer and a good old exhale deep breaths, it will get easier, you just need to remember you are only human (and even worse, only a man...sorry couldnt resist ) Karen a.k.a. superwoman, multi tasking extraordanaire (thank god for the pills!)
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Post by villagewife on Jan 30, 2007 18:25:30 GMT
Hi Matt,
Sorry to hear you've had a step backwards - it seems to be part of the pattern that you make some progress, start thinking that things have changed for the better permanently and then you end up having a really tough time. But next there usually seems to be another couple of (staggering!) steps forward. . . Hope your CBT got off to a good start - I don't know if I've already mentioned this but I found the book "Feeling Good" quite a helpful one to go along with the therapy, as it gives helpful tips how to break out from negative thought cycles (and boy, do I need help with that!).
Take care, VW
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dl
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Post by dl on Feb 3, 2007 8:10:05 GMT
Hi All,
Hopeful, Newwie, Karen and Villagewife many thanks for taking the time out to post - as ever it really helps
How true is this?
I had a very interesting CBT session yesterday - loads to report as ever not enough time!!
Love to all,
Matt
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Post by helenr on Feb 4, 2007 22:31:27 GMT
Hi Matt,
have been reading Lucys thread, so I know how she is.
Just wondering how you are? I wish my husband would post on this site, but at th mo no. I have a thread blood boiling which you may like to read sometime, as it made me realise how much I don't think about his feelings. Its not out of sheer neglect, its just that this illness is so consuming that i only think about myself.
As Lucy gets better, she really will appreciate evrything your doing for her. I think your family is very very lucky to have you in their lives.
Love and hugs Helenr x.
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dl
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Post by dl on Feb 11, 2007 8:25:53 GMT
Hi Helenr Many thanks for your words of encouragement - it meant/means a lot - I know Lucy will(/does) appreciate my support but there's no denying the fact that it's bl**dy tough at times. Sorry I've not been around quite so much - I've gone back to work and then we had a family holiday! Going back to work was so hard - I just want to be there for Luce all the time to make sure that she is safe and I suppose at times to watch her so that she doesn't self harm. I've got to learn to give Lucy the space to beat this thing...but I'm a man...the 'fixer'.....who can't 'fix'!!!! I've started CBT - I went in there all cocky thinking I knew it all - I second-guessed the therapist all the way and played him at his own game.......or so I thought.....he broke me down and I sobbed like there no tomorrow...it all came out AND IT FELT GREAT!!! I am now embarking on an anger-management course - I realised that my response to Luce (indirectly) is to give the impression that somehow this is her fault (although I know it's not)...I realise I've dealt with Mum in a similar way (she is ill too with something very different) and I storm through my days constantly 'on' - looking for a fight...I try and be all smiles and everything on the outside but inside I'm raging....I suppose I wear my own mask!!!! Anyway - I begin the sessions this week and whilst I feel mentally exhausted at the moment I feel that the CBT might bring the release from my thoughts and feelings that drinking doesn't. One last thing CBT has taught me is to challenge the "should" statements: For example: "I SHOULD be able to cure Lucy's PNI" "Lucy SHOULD be able to go to Tescos without feeling panicky" "I SHOULD be able to cope with the kids, PNI, a job, sorting the money etc etc" Challenge those thoughts!!! Lucy, for her part is doing outstandingly well - although, naturally she doesn't see it at times - we have had a couple of wobbles...one which resulted in an argument where I punched a hole in the wall.....hence anger-management!! Our HV has been fantastic and on Monday will be coming with the CPN because the CPN has been next-to-naff and the HV has made her feelings clear. We are off to see the Psychiatrist next week and she might put Lucy's meds up as Lucy still feels 'stuck'!! Keep on fighting, love to all Matt
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Post by yoyo on Feb 11, 2007 10:12:04 GMT
HI matt & lucy
Glad to hear you've strted treatment for yourself too - the realisation of the thoughts is hard work - even when you know that the should / ought to / must thoughts are improatical they are still hard to replace with "if I can manage it" "One day I'll do it" "not right now" - But once we begin to accept that we are broken a little for now and have to try and pick the pieces of this complex puzzle up and examine them, tweak them, and put them back together to become whole people again (emotionally, physcially, mentally) things do begin to get better, very small steps at first then we seem to get the hang of how the recovery works - alkthough the ups and downs are just as frustrating as the beginnings of it all.
Hope you go on ok - glad you're feeling that things are improving a little x x
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