hi to everyone! i have been away for a while (from the site) because ive been feeling so good ..i dont mean to seem rude. i think that because after months of clinging onto the site, staring into the space of the computer screen and using the site as a focus, i feel that now i can take a step back and re-enter my life again and distance myself away from this lifeline (and it was a lifeline BELIEVE me). i hope im not being selfish but im enjoying this time to myself and as hopeful put it- enjoying getting back into my own skin.
i feel that the past week has been successful in terms of my recovery - im feeling relatively ok most of the time, i seem to improve as each day passes and, ina ddition as each hour of the day progresses too!
dyls sister and bro-in-law came down over easter too, was fun, i think i was fine most of the time, felt awful friday night though - all scared and stuff for no reason, but i think i was due on a period as i had all the symptoms,a fter friday noght i was fine. we packed a lot of stuff in the weekednd and i cooked for everyone on thurs night (god was that stressful) but i coped. i dont seem to be as affected by stress at the moment which is good - i used to thrive on stress and love the adrenaline - ive always LOVED exams for that reason!!! (i know im mad!) and i loved my interview day because the day was fuelled with adrenaline!!
things are still a bit cloudy, but as my CPN says - dont compare how you felt a couple of days ago, compare yourself with a month ago and then you will see the improvement and she is right. i remember this time last month and i do feel a bit better -less constant anxiety.
i appreciate now that i was, up until very recently , still in the acure stage because everyday was a struggle, everyday i felt 'ill' with no let up but i kept fighting it and almost denying that i still felt so bad. i think that i forgot what 'feeling ok' felt like up until a couple of weeks ago!!
ive been having some good hours/ days the highs are getting higher and the lows not so low -but i panic becuase i think im going to go all weird and acutely 'ill' again - i do have some reminders of those bad feelings but theyre not so overwhelmingly bad like in the beginning, where there was no escape fropm the internal horrors and living HELL that is pni.
i cant believe how much and how bad i felt and is possible to feel. i didnt know that so much internal suffering was possible in the human condition.
i thought i was dead (and do still toy around with the idea when im feeling 'ill') and this was hell.
i thought i was stuck in a perpetual nightmare, i felt so dreammy and 'out of touch' nothing looked real, sounded real or felt real, physically or mentally
i couldnt think what the day was, ever and it seemed as though the day was over in a flash. i would sit and stare into space and this computer screen for hours and hours.
i felt so vulnerable that i thought i could die or could kill my baby at any second and therefore ran around in a panic most of the time - like someone had told me the world was coming to an end.
i felt so bad that i thought the noises from the rubbish men (the beeping of the world) were a secret indicator that it was the end of the world.
i teetered on the edge of Psychosis - a very scary place and so lonely - noone can save you, noone can take it all away
its just a horribel waiting game and noone can even tell you for sure how long it will last, every day is hellish and knighmarish evil thoughts and horrible iamges, everthing dangerous, knives corners, floors cushions everything and especially you, and you dont even know for sure what it is thats wrong with you...
and then you get a few flickers of feeling ok -not well, but coping better and feelign more positive (the anti-ds i suspect) i think thats all they do is make you more positive, you keep thinking not long now not long ill feel better, then each week is ever so slightly better but still hard and still ill then after a few months you get a few hours of normality and this feels so fantastic you think your nearly better, but this is just a taster.
the lows are easier to cope with now though because you have something good to cling onto!!
then when you get a low, theyre not quite as low as as before and the highs are higher until you feel relatively ok!! you still have issues that can be helped with talking therapies etc and self help/ rest etc but you know now and believe that full recovery is possible!!!
i know im not better yet, but feel ok now!!! so how good am i going to feel when im well!!! as yazz says, the only way is up!!!
i have achieved so much. god knows how i coped, but you do cope because you have to -there is nothing else for it.
it is such a cruel illness and takes away the what should be the most wonderful time of our lives. instead it becomes a time yuo necessarily wish away so you can be in recovery but in doing that you wish away the most precious time with your baby and perhaps by the time youre well the baby is no longer a baby.
anyway thats enough of a rant i think! for now.......
i hope this finds you all well,
remember what a mess i was and look how far ive come!!!
i will never take my mental health for granted any more. or anything else for that matter!!
peace, love and light to all of you
gail
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