one step at a time

[sianyc]

Hey KB

Sorry you're feeling pants at the moment

You do the same as me - clean like a woman possessed so at least one thing is ok and presentable even if it's not me. It has the added advantage of making you look as if you're coping.

You're not worthless. You are strong and you can beat this. The horrible feelings will eventually pass and you will genuinely cope x

[kb]

Feeling much better today, just totally washed out from being so upset and so angry and so agitated. Wasn’t working today and that has helped. Not much else to say really. K

[kb]

don't feel massively positive, just don't feel so awful and black.

thanks for thoughtful messages.

[yoyo]

That's a good big step forward though kb well done

[kb]

Tired and in bed already (its only 9pm). I’m off work now for 10 days and I only hope that gives me time to rest and recuperate. Spoke to a colleague today and she said (as so many people do ‘you have to put your health first’). Thing is, I know that, and I know that people believe that, but I’ve been sick for ages and I’m fed up of having to suffer from this illness and at the end of the day, I have to work and am not sick enough to be off sick so I just have to get on with it. I can’t let people down, let alone me.

K

[kb]

Thanks yoyo :-)

[winegirl]

Hi KB

I am in bed at 9 most nights mate! I think this illness just wipes you out most days! I hope the few days off helps you rest up properly. Just make sure you take it easy and look after yourself x

Winegir lx

[kb]

Thanks winegirl, I will try to look after myself - its not something that comes naturally!

Today was better than the rest of the week, but it took me 2.5 hours to get out of the house this morning. Psychologist was actually useful and has given me step by step things to do – I needed to be spoon fed. Only problem is that I’m not seeing him for 3 weeks cos he’s on holiday but he’s given me lots to do on ‘project me’ to keep me going until then. Spent the afternoon with a friend which was nice. The psych has asked me to think about what I can do to help myself relax – any suggestions welcomed. I’ll also be seeing the gp in between times. Tired now, but already in my pjs so that’s ok - think my eyes might actually be half closed!.

K

[winegirl]

Hi KB

Just wondering how `project me' was going? I hope you are resting up and looking after yourself this week?

Spk soon

Winegirl x

[kb]

Well it was a blip, a deep and horrible dark blip, but a blip none-the-less and I’m now back where I was before – not great, but not terrible either. It seems cruel to have fallen so deep again but I am taking it as a lesson to look after myself and not work so hard. I have to get a better balance in my life and in me. I’ve been fighting really hard since last week – getting up instead of lying in bed thinking about how bad the day might be, trying to drown out the voices that talk nonsense and tell me that I’m useless. Its going to be a long battle, but I need to keep going. The dr said today that he can see I’m getting better but that I do need to be more disciplined about work and that I will get better at seeing that things are getting too much before I fall down the hole, so that I can do something about it. I hope he’s right. It’s a year since I first went to see him to try and get help and I never ever thought I’d be ill for so long. I know I’m in a completely different place now than I was then, but I’m still not right and I never thought it would take so long to get better. Its probably just as well – its safer to take it one step at a time and that’s how I am going to carry on. I’m on holiday this week and we’re having a family day out to Holy island tomorrow if the weather is ok. I wouldn’t have dreamt of doing that this time last year, so there is progress.

Thanks for all your support.

K
x
PS - winegirl - doing ok, got a 'me' day planned for thursday and booked a horse riding lesson for a week today.

[cheshire]

Hi Kb

It's so good to hear that you are out of the blip - I know just what you mean, and it does encourage you to take things steadier.

Glad you have some 'me' time planned.

Hopefulxx

p.s. my GP gives me the same sort of encouragement - a few months ago she said 'you are SO much better than you were - do you remember?' (I often called out of hours during the night in a right old state).

Great to hear from youx

[winegirl]

Hi KB

Glad you sorted that `me day' out! About time! I hope you have a lovely day at Holy Island tomorrow, let us know.

Take Care and will spk soon

Winegirl x

[kb]

Had a nice family day today and now I’m really knackered. Went to holy island and went for a huge walk (took s and the dog). Think it was the first time we’ve done something like a family for ages. Going to do some work on my CBT now and then watch a DVD cos I’m really sleepy!

K

PS - just realised i've been putting off doing CBT cos i wanted to wait and do it 'properly' (i.e. perfectly) - just realised its better to spend 10 mins thinking about it most days rather than wait to be able to do war and peace on it - i really am my own worst enemy when it comes to setting too high standards

[kb]

What a difference it’s made having a week off work. I’m starting to feel a lot calmer and more able to go slowly rather than rushing around, and I think it’s actually making me more productive because I’m pacing myself. I read an article about a woman who recovered from a suicide bomb attack yesterday and she was talking about how the road to recovery is far longer than she ever thought – mentally and physically. It made me think much more about the fact that this is a really serious illness – I have contemplated taking my own life, harming myself and pictured harming s – all in the space of the last year. I know that I’ve been telling myself for a while (and everyone else has for a lot longer) to be kind to myself and take it easy, but I think that message is finally starting to sink in. Just because you can’t see pni doesn’t make it any less serious or any quicker to recover from than any other serious injury or illness. I go back to work on Monday (still on 3 days a week) and I’m actually going to live my life reflecting that – I have to prioritise me because no-one else will. I know I’m my own worst enemy, but I have to become my own best friend – as difficult as that might be. We’re going to Ireland tomorrow because J’s granny wants to give him some money and wants to do it in person –it’s also time she saw S again. I have already realised that it might be stressful (we’re going tomorrow, back on Sunday) so am taking lots of care of myself tonight – early night, time for me, watching a dvd in my pjs (once I’ve mopped the kitchen floor – this time no challenges to make it perfect, I’d just like it clean when we come back).

Please can someone remind me of all I’ve said above when I have another blip or it looks like I’m forgetting to look after myself – its somehow not always easy to spot it myself before I’ve already fallen into the hole.

Thank you

K

PS might also look at the self esteem book tonight and make some doodles about what it means to me – but am not putting pressure on myself to do it because then I’ll resist.
PPS – my ‘me’ day was good, but I found it really really hard to get out of the door in the morning, lots of self critical thoughts ‘I don’t deserve it’ ‘I can’t do this’ ‘everything else is more important’ etc etc etc. I texted a friend and asked her to give me a kick up the ass which she did and I made it out of the door. I had my swim, met my sister for lunch, had my hair done, my make up lesson (spent loads on make up but I think I actually know how to use it and I also felt pretty once it was finished – forgot to get a big brush though) then went for counselling with my mum. That’s a whole other story – I’m really not sure if there is any point in us continuing because I think our relationship can never work, but the good thing is that yesterday I kept it all in perspective, looked after myself and went for food afterwards ‘cos I’d missed the train home!!!

[kb]

Trip to ireland was ok – not as stressful as I thought, but much more tiring cos we didn’t get to our hotel until very late yesterday and had to leave by 10 this morning. The amount of money j got is life changing and I actually feel quite down about it – but I’ve recognised it as self-critical thinking. The thing is I feel bad about taking so much money from his granny – it will solve all of our financial worries, and leave us with only the mortgage as debt, but I feel bad that we couldn’t sort it out ourselves (which is a bit silly because she doesn’t know we are in debt and just gave j the money cos she had come into a lot of money and wanted to help out all of her grandchildren). At least now I’ve recognised how I feel, it’s a step forwards, but it doesn’t help me to change how I feel.

Back at work tomorrow, I WILL stay calm and keep the perspective right.

K