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Post by Jay on May 13, 2007 19:34:56 GMT
Hi KB
I have just sort of fell into your diary. I have not looked before. Only read one page as you have lots.
I can see that you have been struggling, and have had a hard time. I hope Gannys money sorts you out, and without debts, it is one more stress thing out the way.
Just wanted to say Hi. Take care, Jay xx
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kb
Senior Member
Posts: 224
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Post by kb on May 17, 2007 20:28:39 GMT
Thanks Jay - feel free to read more if it helps, its been a long journey, but i'm heaps better than i was last year, its just a rocky road to getting better. Granny's money will make a huge difference just in knowing taht it is one less stress and worry - only j can't decide what to do with it!!
Quick update, am doing okish. Have got a baceterial infection on my head which has made all my glands swell up so I’m feeling a bit knackered and my scalp is really sore! Mentally been doing ok I think, went horseriding on Tuesday which was great fun, but boy am I un-fit! Have also been swimming once, but can’t go again til my head is not sore (got a 7 day course of antibiotics). S has been good but she’s come out in a rash today so I had to get her early from nursery, seems to be ok, but will take to gp with me tomorrow if they are still there. Slept for 3 hours this afternoon so have decided I shouldn’t go to work tomorrow – my body obviously needs to fight off this stupid bug.
Got to go and find some food before I need to go to bed again.
K
PS – in case I forget, the lumps that appeared in my head and my glands really really panicked me, I thought I was going to die (it was in the middle of the night) and I really didn’t want to – which is actually a really positive sign.
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kb
Senior Member
Posts: 224
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Post by kb on Jun 6, 2007 8:33:06 GMT
Not been on line for a bit because the lumps turned out to be shingles which left me completely zapped. mentally am feeling a bit better, but terrified to say so in case i'm heading or another dip. I've been doing more CBT and have dared to ask my friends what they think my positive things are and the first reply reduced me to tears and I'm not sure whether they were happy or sad because i find it hard to believe what she said, but i'd like to believe its true.
got tons of work to do today (still on 3 days a week) so better get on, but wanted to write a quick update so that I dont lose the plot.
K
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Post by Scarlet on Jun 6, 2007 9:15:37 GMT
K,
I had those lumps a while back (well before pni) and the scalp infection, sore head etc. It kept recurring for a while when I was run down and stressed out, mine wasn't shingles but something along the lines of glandular fever. I had shingles a while back too though. You'll pull through soon hun. Thinking of you.
Hugs
Scarlet X
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Post by winegirl on Jun 6, 2007 19:33:30 GMT
Hi KB
Great to hear from you! Sorry you have been so poorly - shingles sounds nasty! You seem to be doing well otherwise?
It's great that you have received some lovely positive feeback from your freinds, you see - it is true - you are a fab person!
Hope you managed to get your work done? Speak to you soon
Winegirl x
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Post by sianyc on Jun 8, 2007 15:16:15 GMT
Singles! Nightmare! My dad gets that and it wipes him out every time.
Glad you're a bit better though. Take care x
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kb
Senior Member
Posts: 224
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Post by kb on Dec 29, 2007 21:43:14 GMT
Just a quick update to say that I'm now in the 'survivor' category. Since I had shingles in May / June things have slowly been on an upward trend (with a few blips etc along the way which have thrown me off course). When I have time I'll try to write up a shorter version of my story to give hope to others. In the meantime, I'm still on the meds (but think I'll start to come off them in spring time), am winding up seeing the psychologist for CBT sometime in the New Year. Am still working 3.5 days at work but going up to 4 in the New Year and will be back full-time sometime after that. It feels scary to talk about pni being behind me because to some extent it will always be with me but I now have more good days than bad and that can only be a good thing.
To all of you who are still under the black cloud, this can and does get better. Try to take it one step at a time and shout for help until you get someone who will listen to you.
love to you all
K xxx
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Post by winegirl on Dec 29, 2007 22:02:35 GMT
HI KB!!
Its the wierdest thing as i was thinking about you this morning now here you are!!!!
I am so please you are doing so well hun, and yes, please come back and fill us in on the details of your recovery when you have time. Its sooooo lovely to hear from you chick, and i really am very happy for you xx
Take Care
WG x
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kb
Senior Member
Posts: 224
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Post by kb on Jan 5, 2008 19:31:05 GMT
Thanks WG - that's a bit weird isn't it! Nice to know I wasn't forgotten even though I've not been online.
Will post more soon.
K
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Post by winegirl on Jan 5, 2008 20:27:44 GMT
Hi KB
You have done it again! This is wierd. Thought about you this afternoon when i was thinking what time I could get on the forum and you have posted again!
Yes, def come back soon and fill us in with how things are going for you. Always great to hear from you x
WG xxx
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kb
Senior Member
Posts: 224
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Post by kb on Sept 3, 2009 20:21:18 GMT
Well I didn't think I'd be writing in here again, and to be honest I'm not sure this is the best place but I just feel I need space to write and I could post it in one of the other sections but it feels like this is my space and I guess that the stuff in my head belongs to my pni journey although that is now a story of recovery and not being ill anymore.
I have now been fully fully well for about a year. I had a huge relapse in December 2006 / early 2007, ended up on increased meds, reduced my working hours etc but was really better by summer / autumn last year (2008). I was back at work full time by November and off meds totally last summer. I'm not saying that it was easy, it was at times hell, but I did get better and the effort was worth it.
My reason for writing today is that S started school today and it has totally and utterly thrown me. She turned 4 at the weekend and we have over the last year really started to bond. From those days I wrote about on here when I would happily have given her away as a baby I now love her totally and completely. Yes we still have our ups and downs, she still drives me crackers sometimes and I don't always feel I handle things well when there is conflict or when I feel out of control, but all things considered we seem to have come out of it far better than I had thought.
Although we live in Scotland we decided that she would go to school in England (we're just over the border) so she's starting age 4. We only decided in June and maybe that's part of the problem - I've not had enough time to adjust, but when it came to last night I just really started to question what we were doing and the overwhelming emotional response I had was that she's too small. She is intellectually bright and is ready in that way, but, maybe because of my pni I think she is still emotionally young. She has had separation anxiety at nursery for months and it doesn't seem to get any easier. She's fine once we've gone but screams the place down when she is left and can even be clingy when we're not going anywhere. Part of me wonders if it is because it took us so long to form a bond that she doesn't have total faith in it yet? Could she be suffering because of that? I suppose I still feel guilty for the impact that my illness has had on her even though I couldn't do anything about it. I am thinking about consulting the infant mental health psychologist we saw to see what she says. My family's mental health history is so dodgy and I don't feel I know how to help s to feel strong and safe in herself and I would hate for that to cause her any long term problems.
S starting school has also marked the end of one stage and the start of another and it has brought home to me how much time I lost with her that I can never get back. I really do yearn for that close time when she was little but I really did hate it and I can't have the time over again. I know its also cliche'd but its the end of an era and my overwhelming thought this morning when I came back from taking her to school was 'she's gone'. I feel like just when we've started to have a period of stability, everything has changed again and I don't like it one bit. She was fine, had a good day but I howled the house down for most of the morning, my eyes are still stinging and puffy and I feel wretched.
I also know that we won't have another baby so it really is the end of that stage. We're both way too scared of the consequences if I was ill again. Being ill with S nearly ended me and our marriage and we just can't take the risk again. We never planned for S to be an only child (she is the only only child in her class) and I feel guilty about that for her, but our sanity is more important. I know I wouldn't be guaranteed to be ill but it just feels way too risky.
So here I am, sat feeling tearful again, and resenting this sh*tty illness for all the time it took away from my life and my time with s, for the fact that it still has consequences and for the fact that it means I won't have another baby.
I really don't feel good. I know that I am lucky to be well again and I don't feel depressed, but I'm also not sure I know how to deal with how I feel about this and how to move forward. Surely I learned something in counselling and CBT to help me? Maybe it will just take time, maybe I just need to be kind to myself but at the moment curling up under the downy away from everyone seems like the only source of comfort and I don't know if escaping and pretending that it's not all happening is actually a helpful thing to do.
K
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Post by cheshire on Sept 4, 2009 7:06:59 GMT
Hi KB,
It's so good to hear that generally things are so much better for you now - and of course it's fine to write here any time x
My son is an August baby too and started school at 4. I too found that difficult - and actually so did he. I really beat myself up about it at the time, but as it turns out he has special needs and now we are all well versed in what to do, he has just gone into Year 1 without a hitch and is very happy.
Time is a great healer and there are so many + new things as a mum that school brings. I love my children's friends round for example, and watching develop and grow more independent is really exciting.
As you say, try not to be too hard on yourself - I know it's hard after surviving PNI - but needs to be done.
Take care and talk soon, Hopefulx
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Post by winegirl on Sept 7, 2009 8:22:41 GMT
Hi KB
Welcome back. I am glad to hear you have finally been doing well.
Yes, I know how you feel. I feel robbed and cheated that I missed the first year of my childs life as I was too anxietied up to notice it! But it is a small part of their whole lives, and there is so much ahead to focus on now.
The seperation anxiety probably has nothing to do with your PNI. My Mother tells me that I was exactly the same when I went to playgroup as a kid, but actually school was the turn around for me, and within a couple of weeks I just wanted to go to school even on weekends!
Try not to be too hard on yourself. This is not your fault, and what you are feeling many would be feeling even without having had PNI, it is just magnified for you because of everything you went through.
I am glad that you have come back here when in need, and hope you continue to use your diary if you need to.
We are always here and listening x
Take Care
WG xx
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Post by sianyc on Sept 7, 2009 11:40:37 GMT
Both of mine can be strange about me leaving them (the eldest who is almost 6 rather than the other one!) yet took really well to school. They do seem young when they go I know. It's something about those tiny little uniforms and all the bigger children.
Most mums feel wretched for a little while when their 'babies' go to school. They're growing up and clearly handling being away from their mummies much better than we expecetd. It's upsetting to seem so dispensible!!
There are fab things about them getting old enough for school though. You get to know the other mums, see how your lo interacts with her class and there's usually a bit of a social life that goes with it :-)
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Post by monica on Sept 7, 2009 13:35:01 GMT
Hello KB
Welcome back and it;s great to hear from you and that yo've been doing so well.
It certainly sounds as if you little girl has reached another all important milestone. My son wen tto school when 4 (he had 9 months before turing five). His whole class had bdays between April and Aug so they were all young and everyone of them has done so well.
I'm sorry this is such a hard time for you and no doubt it's a reminder of how you felt with PNI. But don't forget many mums who didn't have PNI find it really difficult when their children start school. It's reminder that your child is growing up, becoming less dependant on you and that is hard.
PNI is such an awful illness in that it does rob you of those quality moments when your child was so young that others ejoyed but you did not and how yo've struggled to bond with your little girl. However, you have the rest of your life to enjoy your daughter. It sounds as if you have a very strong relationship with her.
I'm sure this is a blip and the way you feel will pass. As Siany said there are advantages to kids being at school. Maybe try and use this time to do somethng nice for yourself to give yourself a little boost.
Love and hugs
Monica
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