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Post by cheshire on Jul 23, 2008 11:27:14 GMT
Hi Jay,
If you think you need an inc. - try and get in touch with your GP...I know the feeling/ pattern of cancelling, but it could really help with your blip - and your passing out etc.
Love Hopefulx
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Post by Jay on Jul 24, 2008 19:50:01 GMT
Well I've been down again, this time on the way to work yesterday. [3 times in a week now] I went all wobbly and got caught by some ladies who sat me down, I felt so ill and so awful. I had to phone my boss to come and get me, then when she got me on my feet I went completely out for the count, face down on a hard shiny floor. She was good and looked after me.
I am so frightened about what is happening to me, and I am getting so sore and bruised from where I have fell this week.
Four weeks ago I was brave-----I unpacked my going into hospital bag which I have had ready since the passing out started in December. And I got brave enough to remove my plastic sheeting from where I sometimes have the nightmares which have sometimes made me wet the bed. I thought I had moved on and got a bit better, but last night I am ashamed as I was wet again.
Part of me does not know how to carry on long term with all this. And at the weekend when I had a sort of row with OH I got the uncontrolable shakes and I felt like I could not go on, and I had thoughts of trying to run away which I knew was useless as I did not know where to go. Or I had thoughts of taking all the pills. Its like an awful trapped feeling, and I feel there is no way out.
Its made me book the GP apt, OH is off work on Monday so I thought I should get in quick while he is around as they will not let me go alone to apts. I so hope she does not want to send me to the hospital to see the Psych when I ask for my antid's to be increased. I cant do it, I just cant and I shall tell her so.
If this is all Psychological and anxiety etc then I wish I knew a way to switch it all off.
The CBT lady I see, is trying to get me to go out, saying that it does not matter if I pass out. OH said not to feel ashamed at passing out yesterday. But it matters to me and upsets me that it happens, and it is making me more and more into a nervous wreck.
I tried today to phone and activate some bank debit cards, , and she went on and on about card fraud and got me all wound up and I started to shake until I could not manage to cope any more, and OH had to come and take over. Why can I not do things like this?
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Post by Jay on Jul 25, 2008 14:58:26 GMT
The Psychologist has just left, and I am wound up like a spring. She thinks my main problem is Panic Disorder. She said it is complicated by Anxiety, Depression and the Post Traumatic Stress.
She had been talking about me to my GP this morning, and she has left me saying that she is going to ring her again this afternoon, I think that was brought on by me saying that I nearly increase the dose of antid's myself. And also to talk about me passing out 3 times this week.
I feel so fed up. At one point I could have screamed, and felt I could not take anymore. We talked about how I had got in a muddle on the phone with the bank and about the fainting, she was firing questions at me about what I was thinking and feeling at the time. And about what I could do to stop it, and about what I thought would happen to me.
I have to make a chart of what I do each hour of the day and how I feel at the time, and I have to keep this chart for 2 weeks. I have to read something, [its over a year since I started to read a book, it freaked me out at the time as without realising it it contained bits which messed me up because it reminded me of the trauma]. I have to find a safe book, and I have to try it. I have to distract myself, I have to start a jigsaw puzzle. And I have to use my coping sheet which is all about counting backwards from 500 in 3's, and doing word games in my head to distract from the awful feelings and thoughts. I am allowed 15 mins of worry time each day at 6pm, then to stop. [Easier said than done].
I don't have to try to go out, she has took the pressure off of that part.
I moaned lots about OH. I feel so bad about that now. I know it is probably all my fault, and I should not blame him. I wish I had not said anything to her now. I wish I was well and I did not have to see her again, I feel it is hard to cope. I sort of can;t live with her help/can't live without it. she booked to come back to see me again in 3 wks time.
Purhaps I feel better for having written this down, not so wound up. Over all I feel a bit of a failure and stupid.
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elspeth
Full member
Mum of 4, aged 15,10,3 and 6mths
Posts: 90
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Post by elspeth on Jul 26, 2008 12:15:45 GMT
Your not stupid from what I can see you have a lot on your plate. *virtual hugs* E xx
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Post by cheshire on Jul 26, 2008 19:18:51 GMT
Hi Jay,
Agree with Elspeth - you have so much on your plate.
Panic disorder and PTSD are just the pits - how is the chart/ distraction going? It's really hard when you're in the thick of it?
How are you feeling now?
Hx
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Post by Jay on Jul 26, 2008 22:27:38 GMT
I woke early today and the thoughts started up. All the things I talked to the CBT Lady about kept going over and over. This is something she would not approve of. But in theory she wound me up and pressured me into answers and conversation which upset me. It is difficult not to worry, its easy for her to say to stop.
OH managed to smash the front of our car yesterday, he hit a BMW, an expensive one. I did not care about the car, but worried how OH would be, he is quite upset and down about it.
Our day today was spent at the In Laws, we help with nursing FIL and I end up working and cooking for them. I made OH wipe his Dads backside, he looked horrified, but its his Dad. I helped hoist him about and do most things, but I insited that he sorted his dad out in this dept, I don't hink he liked me for it.
I have sort of filled in some of the chart, I find the thought of doing it to be a burden. Twice I got near to passing out today. Some days this seems worse than others, some days I can't cope at all.
My daughter goes away tomorrow for a week, I am so going to miss her.
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Post by winegirl on Jul 28, 2008 19:14:05 GMT
Hi Jay
Where has your daughter gone? Girly holiday??
Hows it going filling the chart in?? I had to do that too when my anxiety was bad and actually really pleased I did it. I was really sad and got three coloured highlighters to mark times of the day when i had no anxiety, mild anxiety and high anxiety - and actually found that after a few weeks i could figure out triggers times of the day etc...
Hows things been today??
WG xx
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Post by Jay on Jul 29, 2008 3:40:30 GMT
Well here I am not sleeping. I am full of inner tremors and its driving me nuts. The air con in the bedroom sounds like a jumbo jet when it keeps cutting in and out, and it is making me jump each time the noise changes.
The GP is sending me to hospital for a heart trace, a thing I will have to wear for 24hrs. I agreed to it, now I am full of anxiety about it all, mostly about how to visit the hospital 2 days running. She thinks they should check just to make sure nothing is wrong, a sort of just encase thing. So if nothing shows up then this mess will just be anxiety. I asked to put up my antids. She said I was on a very high dose already, a GP cannot prescribe above what I am aready on, so she is faxing the hospital about it. She did tell me that the antids I am on unfortunatly can make people very unsteady on their feet when standing. I thought nothing of this at the time until I came out, now I am wondering if it is the pills which are making me feel faint and poorly, and I am thinking that if I increase I could get worse!!!! Sh**!
I passed out in the hallway at home here yesterday. I felt something come over me and I did not know how I felt or what was going to happen, then down I went. OH was with me. I felt so dreadful and felt sick and so headachy for an hour or so afterwards. I seem when I go down forwards, to break the fall by landing on my knees, and after going down 4 times in 11 days they are sore.
I wish things would calm down so I can have some peace from all this for a little while. Just one day would be good. I need to get my courage up again and to get strength to carry on again. I am telling myself that I am fine, I am sitting here and I am safe and ok, I am hoping that by talking on here it might unwind me so I can go back to bed and to try to sleep, its now 4.30am and I have work tomorrow. At least I don't feel so sick and the IBS has settled since I came down a couple of hours ago, so back to bed then.
Thanks for being here, a friendly place to come to.
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Post by winegirl on Jul 29, 2008 7:38:31 GMT
Hi Jay
I have been suffering with the IBS again this week too. You know me, its the sicky feeling that does me every time!
The heart monitor things is easy. My husband has had it a few times, you do not know it is there - but I know you are worried about going to the hospital. If you are fainting at home at the moment then I guess fainting at the hospital would be a better idea as at least they know how to help you there.
The day will come soon when you are yourself again Jay. All this messing with your meds, loads of stress etc needs to get sorted so you can concentrate on getting better.
You know I am always here x
Did you get back to bed at all??
WG xx
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Post by monica on Jul 29, 2008 8:33:55 GMT
Hi Jay
Sorry you're going through the mill. it's good yoru dr is ruling stuff out re: fainting. Is anyone going to hospital with you for the heart trace thing? When do you go?
love
Monica
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elspeth
Full member
Mum of 4, aged 15,10,3 and 6mths
Posts: 90
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Post by elspeth on Jul 29, 2008 12:04:44 GMT
Fingers crossed the fainting gets sorted soon E xx
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Post by Jay on Aug 4, 2008 20:59:00 GMT
I have had an early Psych apt turn up for 13th Aug. Then today the GP surgery phoned to say that I had to see a Cardiologist, and to see if I could go on 18th Aug. Then they rang again half hour later to ask me to go to the surgery this Wed for a fasting blood test and for an ECG. I freak out at apts so I don;t know about coping with this lot. Most of these I am going to alone, well OH has not mentioned coming. If anything I need him to come to the hospital to the Cardiac one, if it is busy there in the corridors that will make me go all wobbly and I could pass out. It use to freak me out - passing out, now I feel I don;t care. Well it if I am honest it depends if they log roll me and do the things they did all those years ago, when they then send me into flashback and mess. Or also if they bully me to wake up and get up before I feel well enough.
I must admit that the panic and anxiety which had completely consumed me again, might have lifted a bit. I feel a bit calmer and not retching all the time, and am sleeping again, ---well I am falling asleep all the time at the moment, but I like that.
Thanks so much for talking to me, and for putting up with me. Jay xx
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elspeth
Full member
Mum of 4, aged 15,10,3 and 6mths
Posts: 90
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Post by elspeth on Aug 5, 2008 3:58:00 GMT
Good luck for Wednesday! I always get terrified by stuff like that. I do hope they get it all sorted soon.
xx E
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Post by winegirl on Aug 5, 2008 7:24:52 GMT
Hi Jay
Did you have a nic e weekend away? I didnt reply to your pm as I wasnt sure when you were getting back.
Try not think about all the appointments. The way I deal with them these days is to not think about them and just attend, seems to be alot better for my nerves...
Will be thinking of you on Wednesday - you know where I am....
WG x
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Post by Jay on Aug 7, 2008 2:12:28 GMT
Yesterday was horrendous for me. It all seems so stupid that I cant sort things and that I cant cope.
It was only a blood test and an ECG that I had to have at the GP surgery, it should have been so simple. I got took in almost straight away to the blood sucker lady, it took two goes but she got it done. I walked out into the waiting room and passed out flat on my back. When I could open my eyes there was a screen around me and a GP and a couple of nurses. They could not find my BP, [which I dont understand] then they were trying to do an ECG by pressing a machine thing tight on my chest, that did not work either. I got given a biscuit and a glass of water and wheelchaired in to have the ECG. I passed out again and when she grabbed me it yanked my shoulder and arm, but she said she was saving me from smashing my head and from going down right behind the door, which would mean no one could get in to help us. I got sat in the waiting room until I felt well enough to leave.
I felt I just wanted to lay down, and I escaped to the car and sat with my eyes shut for about half an hour before I felt I could drive.
I drove to park and ride to go to work, I did not feel too good, but thought the distraction of work would help me. I walked into work and passed out again smashing my head on the printer table. Work was so busy so my boss ended up looking after all the customers and a ranger from our town was there and he took over looking after me. I passed out again and the next minute they were sending for a paramedic to look at me. 3 ambulance people turned up and they carted me off to hospital. I passed out again in the ambulance. after lots of tests and frightening the life out of me I got sent home 6 hours later. I felt so knackered and yet I did nothing only lay on a trolley dosing on and off.
I am now adding another hospital apt to my list, I am now to see a neurologist to rule out epilepsy [the thought of losing the car if it does go that way feels like it is pulling my heart out, and would mean I wont get out unless taken out]. I feel I cant bear these apts, I dont even know how I can face getting there. I think most of the problems I had today at the hospital, with me being so drowsy and I kept getting stuck where I could not talk or function, were to do with the PTS.
The GP wrote to me and said that the antids I am on do have the side effect of dizziness and low BP on standing. They will not increase the dose which I asked for, until I have been to cardiology and to see the Psych again. It sounds to me like I might have to do a med change, I think I am losing faith in these antids. I told the GP that I was damned if I do increase the dose and damned if I dont.
My sleep has gone tonight and I feel so sick.
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