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Post by Jay on Aug 22, 2008 4:42:55 GMT
I did not sleep anymore, and here I am awake again and have been since about 2am.
I do know I can't live without my family, and I don't know why I want to ask if they want to get away from me. I feel I am so unfair to them. They deserve better. I just about do the washing and feed them. I feel I am becoming more and more disabled by all this, and am not sure why I am giving up and laying down more than I was earlier in the year when things were so much worse. I feel in one way I ahve improved so much, I don;t know how I survived earlier in the year, perhaps the shut down the body does protects us. I use to hate being enveloped in the fog and not functioning at all. But I am having trouble seeing the world and coping.
The results yesterday were not as good as she hoped for, certainly enough to go to the chosen 6th form College, but it became a tearful day all round. she was so disappointed with herself, it was heart breaking to see her I tried to explain that she had done so well. especially as she had also had a down spell of being a bit depressed and having panic attacks at the time. But her friends were full of joy at all their A's and A*'s and they went on and on so that both our hearts sank, and I personally wanted to just get away. We both came home and cried. These friends are so mean to her as well. She has hardly seem any of them during the holidays, and I feel so bad that she has become such a loner.
My boss phoned me, she is ok and seems so much nicer to me this week, but she is worried about Saturday when I am lone working. She is asking me if I will write up a note to put on the desk, saying what to do if anyone finds me passed out on the floor. I laughed at the time and suggested I make an A board and wear it round my neck. But if I think about it then it worries me and makes me feel I should probably not be alone.
I have CBT lady later today.perhaps she will let me talk some things over with her. I have not done my homework for the week.
At last it is getting a bit of daylight and the world will wake up too.
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Post by gizmoracer on Aug 22, 2008 5:32:49 GMT
Hi Jay.
I've been thinking about you alot recently as I have been going though a rough patch and came close to blacking out at the denists 2 days ago. I managed to scare her so much that she has not only refered me to the hosp. as we agreed so I could be sedated for a tooth out but has now decided she is refering me for a general to get all the work done. She rang me 3 times yesterday. I feel terrible about it, acted like a mad woman when I was there. So I guess I have a slightly better understanding of what you have been going through.
WG is right it was me who said about fly lady. Its well worth it hun. A friend of mine told me about it when I was really ill a few years back. The best thing about using the proper american site is they use 'baby beginner steps' so you follow it day by day for a month and the tasks are really small and easy to follow. I'll confess to having never really followed it properly but I am a regular to the site when I need some tips on getting stuff done. I have basically used it to make my own method and has helped me cope alot better. There are a few bits where its like 'no whinging just get off your franny and do it' lol. but if you can see past that its makes a lt of sence. I thought the best one was 'your house didn't get like this over night and it won't get fixed over night'. She says it takes 28 days to build a habit and you can do anything for 15 mins. I just thought I'd chuck those few bits in incase you read here before seeing the woman today and didn't get round to looking at the site.
Anyway I am off to have a moan on my own diary now. Hope all ges well for you later.
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Post by winegirl on Aug 22, 2008 7:38:33 GMT
Hi Jay
I am sorry that K didnt get the results she was hoping for, but like you said, she has done excellently considering everything she has been through this year! If all her friends are running round gobbing off about thier grades then let them, K has battled more than they will probably ever have to and that life experience will take her further than they could ever be.
I am sorry you have not been sleeping. Have you had any sleeping pills recently? The only issue I have with not sleeping is that it definately makes the anxiety ten times worse, so i know you need to rest.
Are you at work today?
WG x
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gilly
Senior Member
Posts: 163
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Post by gilly on Aug 22, 2008 12:31:29 GMT
hi hun
i think that in some ways it is even harder to function when the fog lifts a bit as we start to look at things and analyse them which is not easy. i find that when i have a good spell and then the hell comes back it always seems worse because you have had a glimps of life with a little more normality.
i hate the thought of you not sleeping again as it becomes so much harder to survive when we are tired, both mentally and physically.
as for Ks results i take it she had to go in to school to pick them up?? i think this is such a cruel way of doing it at least in scotland they come through the post and you are safe at home when you open them. it lets you have time to absord what the results are before facing every ones else.
i hope that the CBT woman will listen to you and have some suggestions, i have no idea what to suggest about OH as i think that all men are the same and they never try to understand what hell we are in and any long term problem is never aknowledged.
i will speak to you later and find out how your day was. love to you my friend Gxxx
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Post by Jay on Aug 23, 2008 5:21:43 GMT
I have decided to stop driving before they take my licence away. I feel heart broken at the moment about this decision. It is the end of my independance and I feel like a big part of my life gone. The cardiologist was not happy about me driving, then the CBT lady talked to me about it yesterday. Saying that if it was her she would surrender her licence. I went out to see her off and passed out in our driveway.
I dont seem to sleep much anymore and feel I have gone to hell again. And somehow I have to manage work today and I have to lone work which no one is happy about, and I don't think I am either, but I fort to be able to stay and work and not to be signed off sick, so I have to do it.
I have talked this week about leaving my family, but I love them and could not be without them. I think I just feel such a burden to them, and my restricted life has spilt over into their lives. Without them I would not need to be here, I think that might have been my plan. but as I sit here so tired and crying, my heart loves them too much to leave them in that awful way. But this illness is tearing me apart, and I need to find some strength to plod on.
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Post by winegirl on Aug 23, 2008 7:31:02 GMT
Hi Jay
Sorry missed your message last night - must have been just as I left work. Have replied now though x
As I have akready said, the decision you have made is really hard, but definately the right one. iT is more important right now that you are safe, and this will only have to be a temporary measure.
You have the strength to plod on as that is what you have been doing for so long now. You just have to hold the hope that soon you wont have to just plod on and you will be able to live your life again. Your family love you too Jay, just as we do. x
WG xx
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Post by Jay on Aug 28, 2008 20:29:33 GMT
I think this is a funny old world. And I am sometimes wondering what went wrong with it.
Today was my echocardiogram and to have the 24hr ECG trace. It all sounds so simple. The echocardiogram is like a scan when you are pregnant. You lay on your side with your back to them and they slap gel on the probe and put their arm over you and put it onto your chest, then you turn a bit and they put the probe in places under your left breast, then lay on your back and they probe under your chin.
All was ok, I was told to wipe the gel off on the gown, and she went off to get the ECG lady.
I did not feel very well when I sat up on the side of the bed. The ECG lady rubbed 3 places on my chest down with spirit and put on the stickers and connected me to the monitor, then I was told to get dressed and return tomorrow.
I did not feel very well when I got onto my feet, and by the time I got back to the waiting room I felt really grey and dodgy. I sat down and could not move. They got me water and different people kept coming to see if I was ok, eventually they got a wheelchair to take me to the exit to go home, but when I stood up to get into the wheelchair down I went.
Things all went a bit crazy then. They got the crash trolley, shut the dept and frightened the life out of me. My daughter was there she said there were people everywhere. To start with I did not know what was going on, only that they were rolling me and messing about and trying to wake me up. It took ages of messing about before they put me on a trolley and took me to resuss.
It seems so scary to have so many people doing things all over you. These different faces kept coming in front of me asking questions. They took blood, more ECG's, connected me to a monitor. You get a nurse to yourself, who is there all the time when you are in resuss.
After a couple of hours they took me to a cubicle. Then after a couple move hours they sent me home. They say nothing has shown up on the ecg's and the other tests they were doing to me today. I still have the trace thing on until tomorrow.
I feel it is all going to come down to being Anxiety, but at the moment I have no idea what to do about it. The Psychologist who is doing my CBT, seemed impatient last week, wanting to know why it still worries me to pass out. I am going down about once a week at the moment, and it feels so horrible, and I can't function for a while afterwards. So if I was out, I could not get straight up and get myself home. I need to lay down. Today it was about 3 hrs after I went down before I felt well enough to contemplate getting on my feet and to feel safe.
I don't want all this anymore!
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Post by winegirl on Aug 28, 2008 20:35:51 GMT
Hi Jay
To be honest, I think you are stronger than anyone I know! I dont know anyone who would function the way you do if they were sparking out at least once a week! I know that when i was getting dizzy and faint with the anxiety i never went out of the front door! You are doing a great job hun..
How long before you will get the results on from your 24hr monitor? I think my husband had one and got his results in the first week...
When will you next see the CBT lady? She is one person I think throughout all your treatment who has really shone and stood out and talks so much sense...
Always here Jay
WG xx
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Post by Jay on Aug 29, 2008 15:55:40 GMT
When the cardiology doctor ordered the 24hr trace, she said 'I will see you in 4 months, by then the results will be through', the apt has turned up already 15th Dec. It made me laugh as my boss is wanting this sorted ASAP.
They checked the tape as I had worn it while collapsing yesterday, it showed nothing then, but I continued to wear it until this morning. The A&E doctor said it is good news that your heart is ok, but they don't know what the problem is. He said to keep the apt in December with the cardiologist and to carry on with the CBT.
The CBT lady has been good [even though I did not like her at first], she is the one who rang the gp and has instigated the tests. I see her again fri next week. I plan to have a better talk with her and sap her brain a bit for some answers on where to go from here. She says she thinks I will get better from this, but I don't know how.
Sorry to keep moaning but I am getting fed up. Part of me cant believe this all keeps happening. Next hurdle will be Occ Health when that apt comes through.
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Post by winegirl on Aug 29, 2008 21:18:22 GMT
Hi Jay
I am pretty certain that the CBT lady would not have said she believes you will get better if she did not mean it.
I know how fed up you are, and soooo understandably too! But you have to hang on for the day when it is all gone and you have everything back again. And try really hard to take pleasure out of the good things in your life now too.
When I was really ill I realised nothing could make me happy and I could feel enjoyment from nothing. So I made myself stand back sometimes and think, `that was nice' or `I enjoyed that', sounds a bit basic but it did help.
Always here xx
WG x
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Post by Jay on Sept 16, 2008 7:27:39 GMT
I feel so frightened today and am doing an offload before I go out. I am in such a panic about going to work.
Even though I am on increased antid which should help with anxiety, and I have taken a diazepam, I am still all of a jitter. Everything inside me feels like its moving and I am gasping for breath and have been like this since about 2am. I feel like I will die. I know this damn problem does not kill you, but it makes it so hard to do normal things.
I think I am frightened about passing out as it last happened on the way to work last week. I cant let it happen today. If I end up in A&E again they will keep me in, and I cant have that.
I sort of feel I am doing a bit better, but also I keep thinking that I cant do this anymore. Where the hell did passing out come from??? I dont feel anything when I go down and hit the floor, but then I lay on the ground hearing all that is going on around me, but I cannot move or talk. And I nearly go mad when they are talking about ambulances and about how I am.
Oh God its time to go to work, I hope this helps me by doing this offload.
I feel so stupid.
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Post by winegirl on Sept 16, 2008 8:03:16 GMT
Hey hun
I sent you a pm. I have only just read this so too late to wish you luck for today but am thinking of you at work.
How long have you been on the new meds? You could be feeling worse as a temporary side effect??
Thinking of you xxx
WG x
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Post by Jay on Sept 23, 2008 7:27:12 GMT
I am in a state as usual and I cant stop crying. I hate it so much. I know when I get to work I will be ok, but the fear of going outside to get there and back seems all to much, then I will come home so exhusted that I will not know what to do with myself.
I dont understand whats happening to me, I increased my antid's 2 wks ago and have slid down worse. Its frightening me how depressed I am.
All I am being taught at CBT is distraction and told to read, listen to music, do puzzles etc. But when I am really down or in lots of panic I find I cant do anything, only sit in a trance or I find I keep giving up and going and getting into bed. I lay in bed with my eyes shut hoping the sh*t will go away.
I started to drink wine at 4pm yesterday then I took off my cross and chain, it was as if I could not stand to wear it anymore. I feel I cant sort this and I dont know what to do.
I have to try to get to work now and I hope my offload will help me. Its distracted me for a few minutes anyway.
Thanks for always being a place to come to. Here is the only place that I can talk about all of this. I am getting so worried that I am giving up.
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Post by winegirl on Sept 23, 2008 7:35:36 GMT
Hi Jay
Dont give up. It is al sooo hard for you but you keep going because you are strong, and you are strong enough to see this whole horrible experience through.
I think the CBT's distraction techniques are a good ides, I do them myself with a book or sudoku or something and find it helps when i need the disttraction.
I hope you manage to get to work ok, you know you will be fine when you get there so that is one less worry off your mind hun.
Sorry I havent written much here, but off work with LO and she is screaming in my ear so hard to concentrate, will be back later to PM you though xx
Love
WG x
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Post by Jay on Oct 7, 2008 4:11:11 GMT
Here I am again. Its night 2 of not sleeping, I cant seem to switch my head off, been awake since 2am. I dont feel panicky so thats a good thing. Actually I have not slept so well for the past week. The increase in antid has helped me -I think/hope. At first I thought it had killed me off more. I certainly wanted to die and could not cope with anything, but now 2 wks later I am seeing that the inner tremors have settled a bit, but has also let me see that I might need to go up in dose again. I am not in a place where I can manage to live long term yet, but the increase in dose has moved things on.
I am trying hard to wean myself off of diazepam a bit [and alcohol], I am running out and have got through so many over the past 3 weeks. Since the passing out about 3 wks ago, which got me sent off in an ambulance, I freak out so much more at going out . Then last weeks konk out in Tescos has made me wonder if I can manage to go there ever again. I am torn between the easy life of online shopping and me being a failure and giving up this fight. I am getting in a state at having to get to work later today, purhaps that is why I am not asleep. It would be so easy to never go out again.
The CBT lady who comes to the house, should ahve written and told me what day this week she is coming. She has made me wait 3 wks between visits this time, which has made me more scared of seeing her again. So I will probably get all in a state and pass out on her like I did last time she came. I feel ill thinking about it.
My Inlaws are falling apart before our eyes. FIL could hardly talk yesterday. His multiple systems atrophy is just slowly shutting him down, but it will not kill him off quickly. He cant move at all now, except for the constant rocking backwards and forwards of his head and the constant shaking of his closed up hands. When I fed him yesterday I had to keep reminding him to bite and chew his food. It is so cruel, and it is making MIL so depressed and she seems not to be managing anymore. By the time we leave after a visit, of lots of jobs and helping with his personal care, OH is in a terrible state and I feel dead. I got home yesterday and by 3pm I was drinking my first glass of wine, infact I drank about 3 glasses straight down, which in my book makes me a weak and awful person. And it makes me hate myself.
I so wish it was daylight now and we could get going and get rid of today.
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