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Post by winegirl on Aug 7, 2008 7:12:59 GMT
Hi Jay
I meant to PM you yesterday to see how your appointment went - I was thinking about you.
I dont know what to say mate, I am so sorry you suffered so much yesterday. It is so unfair that all this is happening to you and noone has got to the root yet..
However, as horrible as all these tests are, at least at last you are getting everything dealt with to work this out and finally get it fixed. You are so strong and brave to even go to the appointments knowing how horrendous it is going to be for you.
How do you feel about seeing the neurologist? What will he/she look for??
I am always here for you, you dont deserve any of this, but I am certain that this will get sorted for you and you can have some peace at last xx
Love
WG xx
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Post by Jay on Aug 8, 2008 11:51:57 GMT
I am a mess and I feel I am about to lose my job or at least be made to be off sick by work, or I can see redeployment coming. It all feels like a blow below the belt.
If only they had not done that awful thing to me all those years ago when my daughter was born, I know it saved my life, but I so wish they had let me die then I would not be here to live in this hell.
I owe some pm's to people and will catch up soon.
This seems to be the only place I have to come to, where I can talk freely and where we understand what its like to live with depression and anxiety etc.
WG They want neurology to do an EEG or something like that to test for epilepsy. I don't know how long I will have to wait, the A&E doctor just said that she would write to my gp to suggest this test as a precausion.
I have booked a GP apt for Monday to see what she says.
Does anyone know how redeployment works??
Thanks so much and sorry for going on, I am just a bit fed up. Jay xx
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Post by cheshire on Aug 11, 2008 11:36:53 GMT
How did the appt. go today Jay?
x
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Post by Jay on Aug 11, 2008 14:32:36 GMT
Before I went to my apt I shook like a leaf. The anxiety and panic problem was so bad today. I filled up on diazepam as I was so scared that I was going to get there and faint again -it feels so awful and washes me out for the day. I took my ipod and blasted my ears with music while I waited to go in, then all of a sudden all the retching started. [lovely infront of a waiting room full of people!] Its all so stupid that this happens to me. The gp said that my workmates had got to get use to me being like this. She said that the bosses and staff cannot make the decision for me not to work, it is her and occupational health who decide that. She thought it a good idea to contact the union. She has given me a certificate for two weeks, saying that I have fainting episodes which is being investigated, but that I am fit for work and can do light duties and office work. So I am going to go in again tomorrow. I am not sure if they are going to let me work on Wednesday as it is busy and I have a Pscyh apt later in the afternoon. They have already took away days pay by not letting me work on Saturday.
I am trying to write a cv and to apply for another job, but I don't now how I would manage to change and cope at the moment, so I am probably wasting my time.
Thanks Jay x
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Post by winegirl on Aug 13, 2008 7:38:32 GMT
Hi Jay
I agree that now might not be the right time to job swap. Despite your problems at teh moment, work is familiar to you and less likely to bring on any further issues that a new job might, just while you are being investigate.
The GP sounds fab like she is really looking after you?
Best of luck with your appt this afternoon, I will be back later to see if you have written how it went x
Take Care
WG xx
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Post by Jay on Aug 13, 2008 18:04:41 GMT
The Psych man thinks I am much better. He is sending a letter to my gp to say I can increase my antids up one dose if needed. He says it is highly unlikely that my pills are causing the fainting. I will not see him again as he is leaving. When I queried if it was the gp's fax or the Psychologist who had instigated the earlier apt, he said he had heard from no one!!??!! The earlier apt was because he is on a course, then on holiday for a month then leaving. I did not pass out at this apt.
Work was not the easiest, my boss was claiming that half the things she said last week were not true, and I pointed out to her that she had said those things. She did not know what to say then gave in and sort of said she might have said them but they were not meant like they came out.
The member of staff who said she would not work with me, apologised over the phone, but I hardly talked to her. I told my boss it would take a while before I forgave her. She has evidently been told off. And when HR get my letter and the certificate the GP wrote then she may get told off again. I gave my boss a copy of the certificate and told her to shove it up this work mates ar**.
I realise there is no way I can try to change jobs, but at the moment I am not sure how to stay where I am. I so wish I was well and could cope with life. I came home from my apt late afternoon and drank myself silly, what a state to be in, I am ashamed of myself.
Next apt CBT on Friday.
Thanks WG.
J xx
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Post by winegirl on Aug 13, 2008 19:59:12 GMT
Hi Mate
Sounds like you have been transported into my world telling her to shove that certificate up your colleagues a**e! LOL x As far as I am concerned mate that is fighting talk and certainly a great way of kicking this thing where it hurts.
I think getting angry actually really helped me get better, I am not sure if that is because I was an angry person before baby and it was remindind me of how I used to be, or is it just made me feel stronger. Either way, Im all for it!
WG xx
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Post by Jay on Aug 14, 2008 0:28:53 GMT
I feel in hell. The family sent me to be at 9, I could hardly walk up the stairs, and here I am awake already. The anxiety is going mad and I don't know how to switch it off. I feel so frightened.
I have been laid in bed wishing I could take away the fainting episode from last week so that work and life could get back to normal.
I am bricking it about the comment I wrote in the letter to HR. Why the hell I did it I don't know. I should not have mentioned about how the other staff treated me last week.
Do you think this is going to cause a lot of problems and how can I sort it and take it away?
I am now also so scared how I am going to manage to get myself into town to see occupational health, I have know idea where I would have to go. Or worse still to see HR about my letter. I wanted no fuss, I was just so hurt by them, and now here I am retching and shaking with the anxiety so out of control, and not knowing how I am going to cope.
I am trying to think about the coping strategies which the CBT lady has been trying to teach me, they are so hard to do when hell has got hold of you. Perhaps writing it down here will help as an offload so I can sleep.
I felt so positive about things when I was cross with the world, and now tonight I feel defeated and worried about everything.
Sorry to go on, it just feels too hard to cope with tonight. Thanks as always for putting up with me.
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Post by winegirl on Aug 14, 2008 7:43:37 GMT
Hi Mate
Did you get back to sleep last night? One of my worst anxiety times was when it would wak me in the night. Its a vile feeling and I really do sympathise with you.
Do not feel scared of what you have written to HR. HR departments are here to protect us and make are working life as pleasant as possible, you have nothing to worry about, they just need to make sure you are looked after right.
How are you doing this morning? Are you off to work today?
WG xx
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Post by Jay on Aug 15, 2008 15:02:01 GMT
I had a bath at 2.30am then ate 2 bowls of coco pops, then watched the olymics, and went back to bed at about 4am, I did get a couple of hours more sleep.
I have just had the CBT lady here. We talked about my work problem, she says I must think about what I will say at Occupational health. She says I must have some positive things to say, like I must work out a stratagy plan they could follow if I faint at work, so it looks like I have thought about it. I must take the Union lady with me when I go.
I told her that I thought I was not going to get better frome this, and I cried loads. She thinks I will get better or at least back to how I use to be when I could manage. From my timetable it looks as if the faints are when I am anxious about something and when I had written about not feeling well. She did the same as the Psychiatrist, she said that from what she has read in my notes I have come a long way. I know I am better than I was back in Jan/Feb time when I could not function at all. It upsets me so much to think about it all and what I was like. I am so frightened that I am going to go down hill like I was as the winter comes. Winters are always so bad for me.
I am told my homework for this week is to look up flylady on the internet, its something like flylady.net its american. its about housework and shiny sinks, she says not to sign up to join as they will inundate me with emails, but I have to look at the sight. I also have to find out our old gameboy which is somewhere in our home, and I have to play tetras or something like that, and I must try counting when I am most anxious.
Anxiety seems such a small word, that just sounds like being a bit nervous. But it is horrendous when your whole body is out of control and you feel you are going to die.
WG - I am glad you think I will not get into more trouble from what I have said to HR. I think they all majorly over reacted to the situation, and said things they shouldn't, which wound me up big time and sent my anxiety out if control.
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Post by winegirl on Aug 15, 2008 17:45:37 GMT
Hi Jay
Flylady.net is awseome! I think Gizmoracer introduced me to it, its really good at prioritisng house work etc for you and letting you know how to do it manageably..
The CBT lady sounds fab. I think you have a good one there. She wouldnt say that she thinks you could be well again if she didnt mean it either, so hang on to that.
I did one of those diarys for my mental health practioner when I was at my worst and found it actually really helpful at highlighting my bad times. I was sad enough to buy 4 coloured highlighters.
Red - Awful anxiety Pink - Bad anxiety Orange - Mild anxiety Blue - No anxiety
How sad am I? But it did help me realise which situations etc.. were causing my problems.
Do you have any plans for the weekend? You have done so brilliantly this week, you should treat yourself to something nice! Perhaps night in with dvd, bottle of wine and takeaway (always works for me).
Always thinking of you Jay xxx
WG x
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Post by Jay on Aug 18, 2008 12:41:48 GMT
Thanks WG My CBT lady walked around my home looking in each room, when I talked about how I cannot manage to look after my home and keep it clean. She says she has seen worse, and that I am more cluttered than dirty!!!
I have my cardiology apt this afternoon. I have no idea what it is going to be like - I don't know if that is good or bad! All I know is I have to go earlier than the apt time for another ECG, and that I will be there quite a long time while they do tests.
I was very nervous earlier today, but I am calm at the moment. Knowing me I will be quaking in my shoes and retching on the drive to the hospital. I don;t actually care if I pass out. It is not so much of a fear for me if I have someone with me. It is the times I am out alone and go all wobbly that I get really frightened of going down.
I will write how I get on either later or tomorrow.
I had a phone call from my boss at the end of last week. I am allowed to work, but I do have to go to Occupational Health. The CBT lady says I must take my Union Rep with me, so I have just been emailling her to see what she says.
I am also asking her what happens now as I am only able to do half of my contracted duties and have not worked normal duties since last year, and I have said that I cant see me getting better from this sort of agrophobia thing in the very near future. I dread the answer. In theory I know I should not work alone, so I have been honest and asked about this as well.
I am also asking about how it comes under the disability act [she mentioned this to me a while ago] . Thanks Jay xx
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Post by winegirl on Aug 18, 2008 12:50:31 GMT
Hi Jay
Sorry its a quickie but all has just gone mad here (at work) all of a sudden. Just wanted to wish you look for this afternoon and let you know that I will be thinking of you. Would be there to hold your hand if I could xxx
WG x
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Post by Jay on Aug 21, 2008 7:13:08 GMT
I got through my cardiology apt. ECG, talk to the doctor, had my heart listened to. I had problems at the end when they wanted a BP reading. My BP was so high, and my vains are evidently deep or something so they had about 15 goes. I am not sure if I have a thing about having my bP taken, or if I got into trouble because it goes so tight that I can't stand to be hurt. I had this problem in the ambulance a couple of weeks ago. I feel such a plonker!!! When they pump it up to about 200 -240 and kept doing it, it just konks me out. I felt so sick and faint. They laid me down in the end, then when I had to stand to have it done at the end down I went again.
I also found a couple of weeks ago that I can't let them look into my eyes with their light thing. I felt trapped and panicked and nearly shot the doctor across the room. They gave up in the end. Its worried me about how to do this eye test I am desparately needing to have done, when I am well enough and brave enough to try going again.
I have to go next week to have an echocardiogram and a 24 hr heart trace. I told OH about it, I read him the apt times, and he did not answer at all - he was looking at me at the time. He did not say -I will get time off of work to take you, so I am wondering if I should be brave and try to go alone. I suppose I must try these things or I will never get better.
Its GCSE exam result day for my daughter. I am v nervous about it. Somehow I am going with her, I had not thought of doing this and showing myself up infront of her. I could go all wobbly if we are in a busy place and I will have to hang on to her for dear life. I should not have to do that to her infront of her friends.
I nearly told OH to leave me last Sunday, I got so upset trying to say it, that it never came out, and it upset me so much I had to go to bed for a couple of hours. I just feel I must give him the chance to get out to a better life. [He says he loves me] I feel it is so unfair to have to live with me and if I dont get well, [which I have such fears about], then they can't live in this restricted life that I make them lead. I needed to say this here, as these thoughts have been such a worry to me, and I need to thik and sort it out so I feel better about it.
I have been awake since about 4 and I am tired and tearful and not thinking straight so I will leave my diary here.
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Post by winegirl on Aug 21, 2008 7:37:59 GMT
Hi Jay
Did you get back for a bit of sleep at all?
Your husband loves you for better or for worse and that is all that matters. We accept our partners for their faults because we love them, and he will accept you for being ill too...
I wish your daughter all the best in her results. I know you will go with her and be strong because she will need you there. Let us know how she gets on?
Sending you love and strength for this afternoon xx
WG x
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