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Post by sunflower2007 on Jun 25, 2007 22:21:56 GMT
Well, not sure where to start. But generally today was a good day. Had a moment of pure happiness this afternoon when making crumble mix for rhubarb crumble. Hubby was asleep on the couch in the living room in front of the tv with the cat on his lap after getting in from his early shift and baby was asleep in his cot. It felt like domestic bliss, the sun was shining through the kitchen window and the feel of the flour was nice in my hands. Plus the crumble turned out really good.Having read some of the others' diaries I keep thinking how easy I have it and I should cherish this time, we only have one son and he's still too young to make the house really messy or be verbally challenging. Quite different from last night where I was crying in bed silently till 3am trying not to wake hubby up. It was the first night the baby was in his own room and I was panicking about things getting him in the night. I even took hubby's chile plant off the windowsill cos I'm sure my biology teacher at school said that plants use up oxygen at night but produce it through the day. So hubby and I had a wee minor argument about my eccentric idea when he found the plant in the living room this morning. 32years old I should know better. Also last night I couldn't get the film 'The sixth sense' with Bruce Willis out of my head and my son was the little boy character. The baby monitor seemed to be making lots of raspy noises, then finally my ears tuned in and could hear him breathing, takes a bit of work to get used to the sounds of the baby monitor. Must be because it was his first night and I wouldn't be waking up to his big blue eyes staring at me through his cot bars this morning made me feel sad. Didn't feel ready for him to go into his own room, yet another separation thing. Like reducing the breastfeeding when we had to put him on solids. Managed to go for a walk tonight to the leisure centre myself while hubby gave the wee man his bath. Asked about taking baby swimming, maybe we can do it on Friday if Hubby's shifts haven't been changed.Lets just see what tomorrow brings.
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loopy lou
Full member
i have 4 kids
Posts: 113
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Post by loopy lou on Jun 26, 2007 0:35:07 GMT
its a big step ur baby sleeping in ther own room hun so well done u i no how u feel i hated moving mine in there own rooms. dont feel that just because some ppl on here r suffering more than u that it in any way means that u dont have pnd cause it affects every1 in different ways and dont think just cause u only got 1 kid that u have it easy cause even 1 kid can b trying at times. a new baby in ur lofe is the biggest change any1 can go through and it is a major adjustment. sorry as usual im rambling and none of this probly makes any sense but it sounded gd in my head
hope u continue to have more gd days hun lots of hugs kate xx
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Post by sianyc on Jun 26, 2007 14:34:33 GMT
I agree with Kate. We'll all have PNI in different ways and to different degrees. That doesn't mean you deserve the support and help less.
Adjusting to the first baby is a huge thing to have to do and must be much more difficult with PNI. I didn't have PNI with my first and still found it terrifying!
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Post by caterina on Jun 26, 2007 20:53:01 GMT
Hey sunflower Those baby monitors make some really eerie noises eh? My wee girl has been in her own room since 6 months old (she's now 14 months) and I STILL check on her heaps. Her bedroom is just next door to ours and her door is shut to keep light out but I went scatty on OH when he tried to shut our door one night! I've finally taken her out of her grobag at night because it's been warm here and I've been terrified about her being under blankets. Sorry having a bit of a ramble there. My point was that it's really difficult when they go into their own room but it gets easier. We recently had to share a room with her while staying away from home and we were both listening for her the whole night, every toss and turn got a reaction! Glad you've had a good day, long may they continue xxx
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Post by sunflower2007 on Jun 26, 2007 22:50:19 GMT
I know he is my first baby, but everybody (meaning my mum, my aunts and my MIL )all have the opinion that he is a very demanding baby and seem to imply that it is somehow my fault. I don't think he is demanding, I quite like that he is so alert and interested in his surroundings and not sleeping all the time. Took him through to see my mum this afternoon, he was really well behaved, all smiles and gurgly talking ate and drank everything that she gave him.. Mum lives an hour and a half away so it was quite a long trip.But we will have to get used to it for when I go back to work. Cos I live an hours drive away from work.
Got an email from the childminder today to ask if I still wanted her to look after him when I went to work. Dunno if I feel ready to admit I've got PND and don't know when I will be back at work. But we have to pay her a retainer to keep his place. Just when things are ok a wee negative snipes in at the last minute to remind you that the real world is still out there ready to place demands on you to make decisions.
Mum had a lot of opinions today that I just had to ignore so as not to start an argument. God I hope I do not say such hurtful things (but for my child 's own good) when I am older. Had a bottle of red wine once I got back home, drank it like juice, hope it doesn't affect the meds. Otherwise, today was a good day. The sun was shining and we are not affected by flooding which is hitting other parts of the country. The drive cross country was pretty good, listened to talking book cd that Hubby got me in the car, was funny and I had a wee laugh.
I still feel I am being really selfish and should be like one of those surrendered wives like on American TV. Do I expect too much from myself? Why do I feel I am bottling up so much that it chokes me? When I try to say it out loud it all comes out wrong. They are not kidding when they say that PND is the smiling disease. I feel that I don't want people to know I'm struggling because I don't want them to think of me differently. I want this episode of my life to be over, but maybe I've been like this for a long time? What is normal? I love my son and my husband so much, and yet at the same time I just don't recognise myself sometimes. I had a lot of freedom before I got married, but was I any happier? I have never been any good at making a lot of close friends, probably I have trust issues that I have never had to address before. I slept in a chair in the baby's room last night till 5am. Still its only his second night in his own room.I am still not used to the baby monitor though hubby has no probs with it. I know I am being too protective but I can't seem to stop myself.
Time feels like it is on a rubber band, some minutes stretch like hours and then I look at the clock and hours have gone by.
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Post by sunflower2007 on Jun 28, 2007 10:49:17 GMT
Not a good start to the day yet again. It started off normal but hubby then suddenly said I should stop asking stupid questions when I asked why he had left his dirty shoes on the bed. Then he went off to work in a huff. Every day now he says something like that before he leaves for work, I'm stupid, don't ask stupid questions, don't be so stupid. It doesn't matter what I say the outcome is the same.
It leaves me feeling crap for ages through the day when I am already struggling with my emotions. I try to keep it together but he says such nasty snipes that I can't ignore them all to avoid big arguments. All our conversations seem to be in his control. When he is in a good mood everythings fine, and he says some nice things to me, but I remember the nasty things more.
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Post by sianyc on Jun 29, 2007 11:30:35 GMT
Hey Sunflower
Does OH find it hard to talk about how he's coping and what he feels about the PNI. Mine bottled it all up and then it would all come out in a big argument or he would keep coming out with sly little digs just to p*** me off. It didn't help that I was about 500 times as sensitive as normal and saw most things as a dig at me.
Does you mum know about your PNI?
Even though mine did, she still said things like "I could write my name in the dust on that table". She did look a bit sheepish when I pointed out I had better things to worry about than whether a table was dusty and that she was welcome to clean it if it bothered her that much. My point really is that most people don't think about what's coming out of their mouth.
Also, I think everyone forgets how demanding babies are. No matter how easy they are and how little they cry, they still take every once of time and energy from their mummies and anyone else who looks after them. Sounds like your family have selective memories about what you have to do for a baby (I know I've blocked it out!!)
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Post by Scarlet on Jun 29, 2007 15:39:03 GMT
most people don't think about what's coming out of their mouth. This is so true Sian, and whilst we have pni we are ultrasensitive to criticism of any sort (well I was, although am a bit stronger these days). Sunflower, I know what you mean about OH making nasty snipes. Mine checks everything I do these days, but I'm trying to let it wash over me.
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Post by sunflower2007 on Jun 29, 2007 20:33:41 GMT
It felt like I was being watched all the time, the digs my mum kept on about the state of my house were hard at first but now I keep her at bay. I know I am more hugely sensitive these days. and Had a huge long talk with hubby last night, he is not coping at all in any areas of his life. Upshot is, we all went to the docs today and he got sick line for 2 weeks so he could rest and we could try for some family time. Hope he doesn't spend it all in the pub.
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Post by sianyc on Jun 30, 2007 15:53:15 GMT
It's good that you've talked to him about it and at least this gives you both chance to have a rest and spend a bit of time catching up with each other. The grind of work and kids can mean you barely talk to each other!
Hope you have a good weekend x
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Post by sunflower2007 on Jul 1, 2007 16:58:14 GMT
Thanks Sianyc, We were at a wedding reception last night so we stayed at the MIL's. Baby was really good, no problems though I felt a huge lump in my throat as were were getting in the taxi and the MIL held him up to the window to wave goodbye!
Was the first time in 6 months that we have been out together as a couple ourselves for more than 1 hour. Felt weird at first to be talking adult conversation that didn't involve feeds, changes and poos and smiles. Even managed to get hubby up for a couple of dances. We both felt really good. Was also nice to get dressed up.
Am tired today but not as exhausted as I could be. Feeling quite positive today. Looking forward to having hubby at home for family time for the next week and a bit.
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Post by sianyc on Jul 6, 2007 7:37:31 GMT
How's it been going sunflower?
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Post by sunflower2007 on Jul 8, 2007 23:33:48 GMT
Things have been ok this past week. Hubby being at home all day helps. But having more fights now our house is sold and we have to make a decision where to move to. Whatever we decide family will all have an opinion. But it is our lives. Baby is teething we think. Keeps biting his hands and drooling. My moods are still quite up and down were pretty bad especially at the beginning of the week, but I did have my period. Feeling tired but can't get to sleep since baby sleeping throught the night now yet I can't wake up in the morning. Making the decision about moving house is the hardest thing. Hubby has been so unhappy at his work and keeping a lot from me, just spending all his time in the pub. Has been better now we are talking to each other. HV coming tomorrow, think I'll put a happy face on.
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Post by sunflower2007 on Jul 9, 2007 23:00:17 GMT
Am really tired today. Have had a splitting headache all day. Health visitor visit went ok. baby putting on weight but still needs checked in 6 weeks time. Health visitor talked to hubby as well. So we decided she didn't need to come back to the house cos I am getting on well, I just need to take baby to the clinic. So I guess I'll still see her then. Wanted me to look into anger management classes or hormone pills. I think I just need more exercise and to eat properly. Told her that I've been off my food cos I have a funny metallic taste in my mouth that I can't get rid of. She though it might be the Sertraline. I still feel lonely as hubby goes fishing till he gets tired round about 1am and I am in bed by then. Wish I had a hobby that took me out the house till 1am! Baby had his first tastes of yogurt and non pureed fruit, today. I succumbed to the gimmick of buying baby Danone even though he could probably eat the same kind of yogurt as me! Childminder is booked for 13th August whether I am back at work or not. I wonder sometimes why we have put ourselves under all this stress of moving house and everything.
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Post by sunflower2007 on Jul 10, 2007 21:17:27 GMT
Tired again today. Looked at 5 houses today. Probably too much in one day. The wee man cried a lot and took ages to get settled once we got home. Just got the evening chores to do and set the kitchen up for the morning then I'll collapse into bed. Going to the lawyer tomorrow to hopefully conclude missives. Fingers crossed. Need to talk about what house we really like. And hopefully we'll not get disappointed if someone else bids higher than us. Sigh.
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