Liz's Diary

[southerngirl]

Well I was advised to keep a diary so here I am.
I got a prescription for fluoxetine today, am not one for tablets but think that I need something.
The last few weeks have just made me feel worse and worse.
Have had a lot happen in the last few years and dr thinks this is what has got me to this point.
Not had a good start as when I got home I had my husband making snide comments at my 15 year old( not his) yes she is a big part of my hassles but I dont need this. Have just ended up screaming at both of them that I need their support not this nastiness. My 15 year old has caused a lot of problems in our familyas my ex used her a a tool to get back at us when we split and I met present hubby.
I know I havent been the best mum in the world but dealing with everything has pushed me even further down this road than I would have liked
Feel like I am blaming it on everyone else at the moment, if hubby had been more supportive, if older kids hadnt been such a nightmare etc etc.
I know deep down I am lucky to have my family and a hubby that loves me, well I hope he does still as he is still blocking me out.
He didnt go to work last night and I asked him if he was going tonight and he said its up to me. This is a major part of the problem in our marriage as every decision seems to be left to me and then if its wrong its my fault.
Dr has said to get more time for myself, how on earth can I when I am still struggling to make sure everything is paid for, sorted out etc.
Any advice on how to take that first step back will be much appreciated.
Liz
x

[winegirl]

Hi Liz

Hope you don't mind me writing in your diary? I really hope the fluoxetine works for you and helps you get back on track. x

Your Dr is right in saying you should make some time for yourself. Could you find 1 hour a day to do something you want to do? Have a bath, go to the gym, read a book or whatever. Having you time is very important.

Glad you decided to start a diary, I hope it helps you x

Winegirl x

[southerngirl]

Please write in my diary as it will help me knowing what others think.
Hubby paid for gym membership for me so I can go whenever I want.
He is talking to me now too so we are going to the gym together tonight as long as youngest behaves. My 15 year old has also been helping more than she has in months. Am hoping that people are realising I am not just a miserable cow but there is something actually wrong.
I can see this diary coming in handy when I need somewhere to vent.
I have actually just put my wedding ring back on too. I hadnt worn it for ages as fingers swelled when pregnant then doing care work. Also threw it back at hubby a few times so it stayed off. Not sure why but it felt like it was a step in the right direction for me, showing hubby that I do still want us to be together instead of shouting at him
Liz
x

[Scarlet]

Liz,

Welcome to the forum hun. I can empathise totally with what you and your hubby are going through. I have had my fair share of problems as well, and there have been times when I have been given the silent treatment (and have given it back). Divorce has been mentioned so many times over the past year that I've actually lost count.

I found that the way to actually make my hubby be more tolerant of my illness, was to repeatedly tell him that I was recovering, and that mood swings were a normal part of recovery and to expect me to bite his head off during those times, or to get upset over silly little things as this was all part of recovery. I think the word recovery actually made him more understanding than me constantly mentioning that I was ill ~ which I tried not to do.

Our hubbys just cannot put them selves in our shoes, no matter how far we go to explain whet is going on in our head, so i found the best way to get through this illness (for me) was to just let him know things on a need to know basis (that's what I did anyway before PNI, so why change the habit of a lifetime ).

My hubby has had a rocky relationship with our 10 year old as well, and this made me upset for a while and added to my PNI, but it's alleviated with time I have to say and it will be the same for you hun. I now am able to manage stress pretty well these days.

Part of PNI is to blame those who we have felt have not been there for us. It's such an isolating illness sadly, even though it's very common, there are times when we feel we are the only ones suffering. I have blamed my hubby in the past as well for not supporting me emotionally, and during the time prior to my PNI, when I was on bedrest due to pregnancy complications I was completely alone and I blame him for this as well, because we live abroad and he was my only support..... Mind you as time has moved on and I have become stronger and more independent/got my confiidence back etc. these things do not bother me as much, although during arguments, I just can't help mentioning them (as you do ).

With regards to the 'me' time, I never had any, and still don't (in fact when I go to the loo I have to take my baby with me, so that he's not up to mischief when I'm gone). It really is difficult being a full-time mum and having time for yourself ~ the two don't usually go together well not until they are older, and prolly only a male GP would say that lololol.

By the sounds of it Liz you have your hands full with three toddlers ~ and you are most certainly NOT attention seeking, you are recovering from a blooming terrible illness which affects many women (even the happy ones ~ I was once one as well, but it is coming back now).

I am on my own. I dont have family to talk to and no close friends anymore, ex saw to that so I dont bother with people.
You can always come here Liz hun, I don't have anyone either and am completely alone as well (except for friends), and of course hubby doesn't understand either, but everyone on here understands, so you are never alone....

Just wanted to say that you will recover hun, and from your other thread, it sounds like you've taken a step in the right direction and been to the docs.
Let us know how you get on with the fluxetine and keep talking hun, it really does help.

Hugs and sorry it I've wittered.

Scarlet
X

[Scarlet]

Just also want to say, I think going to the gym with hubby is a great idea..

[southerngirl]

Didnt get to the gym last night as 2 year old decided to headbutt my step box and cut her eyebrow open. Not too bad but would rather stay home and make sure she was OK, hubby is a worrier and would have spent the whole time trying to check she was OK lol.
I spent the evening on my own upstairs watching telly as just didnt want to be with people really. I think now I have taken that first step I just needed to sort my head out a bit.
Took my first tablet last night. Felt a bit yucky but when I did sleep it was only 1 year old that woke me unlike most nights where I just wake for no reason. Hope it carries on helping with my sleep
I felt a bit light headed with it, anyone know if Fluoxetine does this or was it just me in general feeling like crap still.
I think hubby has started to realise that I am not moaning now because I want to which is a big step forward. One of our chinchillas died last night and he dealt with it instead of stressing me, usually I deal with anything like that as he is too much of a softy. This meant a lot to me.
Am going to attempt to get my house back in order but with hubbys help. We have started sorting the kitchen out as needed to move a few things about but he has done most of it while I played with the kids.
Havent got to the gym today but may go tonight depending on family. Anyone know how to make a 1 year old sleep lol, after having my lot you would think I could sort him out but I have tried every trick I know.
Feeling like I am on the road to recovery now, I know its only a tiny step but the fact that family are being supportive now is a real help.
Liz
x

[winegirl]

Hi Liz

Hope you make it to the gym tonight x

Yes, the fluoxetine made me quite heady, but it should pass. I am glad you feel like you have taken your first step on the road to recovery, we will be with you all the way x

Winegirl x

[Scarlet]

Anyone know how to make a 1 year old sleep lol, after having my lot you would think I could sort him out but I have tried every trick I know.

Looks like we are in the same boat...I just can't get my 1 year old to sleep through the night either and I've tried everything as well. My eldest slept all night at this age and I was 10 years younger!

Feeling like I am on the road to recovery now, I know its only a tiny step but the fact that family are being supportive now is a real help.

Glad to hear this hun... Hope you have a lvoely weekend with your family.

Hugs

Scarlet
X

[gizmoracer]

Basically wanted to say Hi and glad things are a bit better. Its good if you can get the support you need from hubby and your daughter, I have found since hubby has understood better what I am going through and has seen an improvement he has been very supportive and like you said thelittle things really mean alot, make sure you let him/them know how much it means to you when they do something like that. Hope the tabs work, Fluoxetine works great for some people but remember there are others if it doesn't work out so well for you. Regards the 1 year old, just to make you and scarlet feel better my son was a terrible sleeper, he will be 5 next month and to date he still hasn't slept through the night sorry Also wanted to say the diary is a great way to 'vent' like you said and better still make time to read it from the start in 6 months time, it will give you a real boost. I try to keep my diary going for my daughters sake, just incase she suffers when she is older I want her to know she has alot of support and it is normal to feel this way.

[southerngirl]

Well I think it was a fluke that helped me sleep as last night was back to normal. Saying that 1 year old was up and down until about 3. Didnt feel so sicky last night which is good.
I still have the feeling that I have failed as I am taking anti d's as I have always been a strong person who works through things. I know this is silly but I will have to ge over it
Still havent got to the gym so going to get ready and go in a minute. Hubby and I got a takeaway and sat and cuddled up on the sofa watching telly instead. It has been a long time since we have been like this.
I have told him that I will still be a grumpy cow for a bit and to ignore it.
Its pouring outside down here and little ones are already fighting, normal morning for us
Right, going to attempt the gym and see how I feel afterwards.
Liz
x

[winegirl]

Hi Liz

Good on you making it to the gym at this time of morning! I'm still half asleep!

You certainly haven't failed for taking the meds. If they are a tool to help you get through this then it proves how strong you are to go ahead and take them! I was terrified of them for months and wouldn't take them. It's actually very brave that you do.

Hope you have a nice time at the gym x

Winegirl x

[southerngirl]

Got to the gym but it really took it out of me.
Feeling quite spaced out which is what I didnt want Hoping it will pass.
Hubby back to work tomorrow from 11-8 so he will be here in the morning which is a big help.
My 17 year old son may be a pain some of the time and he has caused me a lot of stress over the past few years is really trying hard now.
If I need help he is there straight away unlike 15 year old who needs to be told to do everything.
Not feeling hungry either but still trying to eat, not eating may do my waistline good but not my health. Can you t ell hubby is into fitness and health lol, he is making sure I eat properly no matter what.
Liz
x

[cheshire]

Trying to eat when you don't feel like it is hard isn't it - awful. But definitely worth the benefits.

How's things with you today?

Hopefulxx

[southerngirl]

Well not sure what is going on at the moment.
I actually feel more in control of things but think its these tablets that are making me feel so exhausted.
I havent been back down the gym as still feeling light headed and dont want to risk collapsing in a heap.
Was quite proud of myself yesterday as I managed to take 4 littlest ones out for 2 walks to shops. Second one was because I had forgotten the electric key first time lol. We decided to go to a different shop that has bottle banks outside so we could get rid of the pile we had sat here. Just a small thing but usually I would say stuff it, hubby can take them later.
I know these tablets dont really work for a few weeks but I think that alongside me trying to take a step back as well as trying to get more organised I am slowly climbing out of the hole
I know I will have set backs but I am trying to keep more up beat about things.
My 17 year old has been a dream. He used to be a real nasty person and has been in trouble with police a few times. He has turned his life around and has been really great supporting me while hubby is at work. If younger ones are playing up then he will step in so I dont stress out at them. I am so proud of what he has become
15 year old has decided not to give a damn again but I am not going to run round trying to sort things, she knows she is hurting me still and has happily admitted this. She is the main cause of stress in our home so I am just letting go of it.
Well a quick update has turned into a bit more than that lol.
Liz
x

[winegirl]

Hi Liz

Glad you are feeling a bit more in control of things. Soon the meds will kick in and you can start feeling human again.

Well done for getting out with the kids. Its amazing that you can get out with 4, I struggle with my 1!

Hope things just keep getting better and better for you xx

Winegirl x