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Post by sianyc on May 13, 2008 7:29:55 GMT
I think WG hit the nail on the head by saying it's about confidence. When I went back to work, I was still nowhere near recovered and would have very ropy days thinking that my boss was on my back/watching my work more than anyone else or that my colleagues had realised I had PNI and were talking about me etc. As I settled in and got back into the job this did lessen.
I made no new friends and lost touch with some existing ones during the PNI too. Down to me mostly as I made NO effort to keep in contact - again down to total lack of confidence - I just couldn't see why they would want to spend time with me. Also a lot of the time I couldn't put the face on and would cancel. It's hard I think for someone who hasn't suffered with this illness to realise that not keeping in touch and cancelling visits/lunches etc isn't refusing their freindship, it's just not being able to cope with the outside world and what it entails for a little while.
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anita123
Senior Member
I have a little girl who is 8 months old.
Posts: 172
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Post by anita123 on May 14, 2008 6:30:31 GMT
Thanks guys...it hard keeping this paranoya under control.
Going to try and push through
Feel that i can go on writing for ages got loads of stuff in my head but better get LO up and ready and then off to work xx
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anita123
Senior Member
I have a little girl who is 8 months old.
Posts: 172
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Post by anita123 on May 16, 2008 6:29:40 GMT
Feeling good today...no blips as of yet....
Thought i would write down the things that affected me, which may have cause my PNI never done this before but thought if i put it down in word it might help
I think the biggest thing that affected me was things that happened whilst i was pregnant and then straight after birth.
Ok here is my story
I have been with mypartner for 14 years (childhood sweethearts). We had been married for two years before we decided to bring a little on in to the world. Everything went as plan managed to get pregnant within two weeks of trying and was really happy about it...although didn't have a clue what to do!
Mst of the pregnancy went fine....by 12 weeks i looked as though i was 6 months pregnant i was huge and couldn't hide it from anyone.
At 16 weeks pregnant i had work troubles and i cried all day...no one could calm me down....i just sat on the kitchen floor rocking back and forward...i felt picked upon and very hurt by th things that happened (can't actually bring myself to talk about that in great detail yet) Lets just say i was put on trial.
By 22 weeks i just wanted to go on maternity leave but had to wait until 34 weeks, by this time there was major rifts in my husbands family and these affected me greatly. I was in and out of hosp with high blood pressure....not surprising. The rest of the pregnancy went really well, baby was extremly healthy and very active. At 34 weeks i went on maternity leave, I felt so lonely and isolated, all my friends were working and i was just this huge lump (i mean huge as well I was 52 inches around my tummy and put it this way i am only 5"1 so looked like a ball) I begain not wanting to go out although i still was able to manage to make sure i did.
On Saturday 9 June i was cramping quite a bit ( was due on 14 June) but it wasn't to bad. I had my show couldn't miss that. Couldn't sleep that night stayed awake all night. By sunday morning i was getting quite major pains these became every 5 min apart....rang the hosp and they said they would check me out. When i got to the hospital they confirmed that indeed i was in labour but only 1 cm dialted, but because my BP was high they decided to keep me in. I carried on having contractons all through the night and when they checked me in the morning i was only 2 cm dilated...was getting really frustrated by this time. They decided that i could have pethadine which i did and that i should walk around which i did. Jeremy vine was there at the hosp filming (oh yes whilst i was pregnant the programme about maternity care was on and guess what yep it was at the hospital i was at). Walked around for ages and when got back they checked but still wasn't any furthur. All this time i was still having contractions and i was getting scared. During the mon night they gave me gas and air...my husband couldn't stay which made me more distressed and the nurses didn't even check that i was ok. Finished off the gas and air (contractions were really bad by now)...Called the nurse as i run out of gas and air and she refused to give me any more saying that it might be better if i sleep. Sleep i was in pain...felt like i was a real hinderence was getting really upset. By the morning a new nurse came on duty and she actually asked me where my gas and air had gone so i told her and she couldn't believe it and got me some straight away. she checked on me and i was 4 cm dilated...enough to go to the labour ward.
Got to the labour ward no midwifes so the senior midwife was with me until there was one free. A midwife became free and guess what i was her 1st birth....great why me. I asked for an epidural as by this stage (3 day ) i was so tired.
Had the epidural hich was fine and felt great the nurse put me on a drip to speed my contractions up...she couldn't even work the drip pump. She then didn't know what rate to put me on. Eventually she decided on a rate. I still wasn't dilating fast enough so she sped it up which means i was contracting every minute. My epidural was running out and she wouldn't top it up saying i wasn't allowed any more. The consultant came in decided to break my waters and left. I was stuck with this midwife for hours and in pain.
A new midwife came on duty and took over mby this time i had been on the labour ward for 11 hours and it was now 10pm on tuesday (3 days in labour). Luckily this midwife was clued up...she looked at my drip rate and reduced it straight away as it was far too higher dose...she couldn't believe it..
better finish later got to go to work
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Post by winegirl on May 16, 2008 6:57:11 GMT
Hi Anita
Have been reading about your pregnancy and labour hun, it all sounds so hard.. Will read your update later xx
WG x
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anita123
Senior Member
I have a little girl who is 8 months old.
Posts: 172
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Post by anita123 on May 16, 2008 20:29:59 GMT
Well here goes....
She also told me that my baby was lying in the back to back position and is why i was in alot of pain...my back killed. She then checked on the baby, I dilated 1 cm in 5 hrs...god i thought this was never going to end. The midwife asked me if i the other midwife had told me that my baby was in a little distress.....nope she never told me that!! From then on i was convinced my baby would die....sounds silly but i was convinced of it.
The midwife caled in the anaesthetist to give me some stronger pain killers as my back was really hurting (even with the epidural!!) Fogot to mention that through all this my hubby stayed with me by my side and never left me....he did a great job.
Hours passed and still no progress the consultant checked me over and decided that a c-section would be the best option...besides i was soooo tired they didn't think i would have it in me to push! I reluctantly agreed (i am terrified of knifes needles and anaesthetics). At 3am wednesday morning (13th) they wheeled me down to the operating theatre, by this time i was terrified. The anaesthetist was good and was very reasuring, she topped up my epidural and checked that i didn't feel anything....i told her to double check everything as i didn't want to feel anything. She said to indicate if i felt anyhing so she could increase the drugs....if worst came to the worst they would have to put me under GA and my hubby wouldn't be allowed to stay.
The consuntant started on the operation...everything started well, couldn't feel anything...a little tugging nothing dramatic. But then i felt it...i could feel everything the epidural wasn't working.....the pain was intense..the anaesthetist immediatly put more drugs in my line but it wasn't working i could feel it....the anaesthetist was insisting putting me under GA but i really didn't want to i wanted to see my baby...and my hubby to see the baby too. She immediatley gave me gas and air...i became so light headed cause i was breathing so fast and hard but i couldn't stop i didn't want a GA...And then suddenly she was born....my little girl 7lb 8oz...she was wisked away so quick i didn't get to see her. My husband went off with her....i was still breathing the gas and air....eventually the drugs started to kick in. But no sign of my baby....i could hear her crying...i just wanted to be with her. The radio was on all the time throughout the operation and she was actually born to Phil Collins groovy kind of love. Eventually they brought her to me...she was the lovelest thing i had ever seen, but at the same time i was scared....what do i do with her now? I don't know how to look after a baby... They took her away again....they sewed me up and took me down to recovery ward where she awaited me. We spent some time there having tea before being taken up to the ward. Once on the ward my hubby went off home to shower and change and do some phonecalls which left me and baby on our own in a cubical. Things were ok although my epidural was wearing off so i was in a little discomfort. Then she begain to cry...god what do i do now i thought...panic set over me...i calmed myself down...but then realised i couldn't move to get her. I pressed the buzzer for the nurse...she came after a few minutes and asked what i wanted. I asked her to pass my baby to me as she was crying...the nurse just tutted at me....like i was puttting her out or something. The rest of the day was ok but then came evening once my hubby left things got worse the baby just wouldn't settle i fed her and fed her and tried everything i could but she just wouldn't settle...she was screaming at the top of her voice and the more she did it the more distressed i became....the nurse was walking by i asked her if she could give me a hand she replied that i could cope and that i should just get on with it...and perhaps i should try winding her....i felt worse than ever the baby was still crying and crying and i couldn't stop her. I was in tears no one would help or show me what to do.....later a nurse came by and decided that the best thing was to take the baby and see if they could calm her down....so they took her away...all night!!! I was sobbing all night all i wanted was there help and now they have taken her away from me....its like they took a bit of me too. In the morning they gave her back to me....it just wasnt the same anymore i felt useless and a nusience and totally deverstated.
Through my whole stay in hospital no-one bothered to show me anything...nothing i learned everything by myself. There was no surport o helping hand....no nothing.
The birth really affected me and still does...eventually i want another baby but don't want to go through all that again i am so scared it is going to be the same.
Well thats part of my story will prob cont tommorrow at least it is in words and written down makes me feel a little better.
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Bobyn
Senior Member
Posts: 454
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Post by Bobyn on May 18, 2008 21:13:39 GMT
Anita, Your story has moved me to tears, and it's no wonder you've struggled with PNI and difficult feelings after such a traumatic time during labour and in hospital. I really hope that writing it all down is helping you find some closure and that you'll be able to recognise how brave you have been to go through all of this and achieve such a positive outcome. Lots of love and hugs, Bobsie Bobyn xxx
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Post by nicola1712 on May 19, 2008 11:11:16 GMT
Hi Anita
Read your story and sounds awful! Your LO is about the same age as mine too (12 June)?
You are very brave - I had similar experience in the hospital ward after the birth too - the birth was all fine compared to yours but I had little/no help in the ward afterwards. I too panicked every time she cried and tried bfeeding but it made me physically sick to start with and they didn't help me atall or see why that was happening. So I asked for formula to get some milk in her and they brought it but didn't show me what to do or anything. They also didn't show me how to bath her etc so I was left high and dry.
Use your experience to help your confidence though - you managed on your own and that makes you stronger than you think. I haven't read all of your diary but can see some stuff about lack of confidence and worries about going back to work - I have the same feelings and it is horrible. HATE leaving LO with other people - so glad am not the only one! Will read some more later cos my LO is waking up from nap now.
Hope you are having a good day today though?
xxx
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anita123
Senior Member
I have a little girl who is 8 months old.
Posts: 172
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Post by anita123 on May 29, 2008 6:22:48 GMT
Thanks Nicola. Had a very good week only one set back on friday...but back on that wagon again. Trying to keep myself busy find that helps me although i am worn out completly.
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anita123
Senior Member
I have a little girl who is 8 months old.
Posts: 172
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Post by anita123 on Jun 16, 2008 6:08:11 GMT
I'm feeling ok...still on the up although the otherday felt a bit down and then paniced myself into thinking it was comming back with avengance.
I am still feeling incredibly guilty over my little girls eczema and food allergies, I know its not my fault but its how i feel. Wish i could help her more just feel so helpless. Its horrible i see other babies going round in the summer with little dresses on and eating icecream where as my little girl has to wear tights all the time and she is not even allowed icecream just feel that she is missing out and that later in life she will get excluded because of her allergies.
Anyway will stop bleeting on
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Post by winegirl on Jun 16, 2008 12:30:42 GMT
Hi Anita
Your little girl will be so used to it she wont even see it as a problem. You have nothing to feel guilty about, I bet she is a happy little girl regardless!
Pleased that things are still on the up for you hun, we will still be here if you need us xx
Take Care
WG xx
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anita123
Senior Member
I have a little girl who is 8 months old.
Posts: 172
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Post by anita123 on Jun 26, 2008 11:24:57 GMT
Well still on the up .....I think although have had a few bad days : (
Just so fed up of the NHS.....Firstly no-one is really bothered about me not one bit of contact since December was meant to have councilling but that never came about, the health visitor saw me once and that was it...thought once i went to the docs i would get help....took me a lot of courage to go there in the first place and now it just seemed a waste of time (For anyone reading this not all docs/HV are the same so it is worth getting help if you need it)...wish i didn't move now was getting more help where i was before. Not just that i am fighting the docs to get a body suit for my little girls eczema...but because of the expense they are reluctant to do so. Since my LO was diagnosed with all sort of food allergies back in March I have had no contact from anyone....she is finally seeing the dietician next week after 4 month of waiting and the paediatian at the end of July....but since she was diagnosed i have had to deal with this alone and had no help....its sooo frustrating.
On a brighter note i seem to be doing ok and am proud of myself for coping with the PNI (eventually) although i know it is not gone completely and coping with my little ones probs at the same time...trying to think positive and keeping myself busy so that works.
Anyway sorry for harping on just wanted to get things of my chest feel a lot better now xx
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Post by winegirl on Jun 26, 2008 19:56:18 GMT
Hi Anita
I am so pleased for you that things are picking up for you on the PNI front! It really is great that you are having brighter days now hun....
As for the NHS, well I slate them all the time but am about to start working for them! LOL x I think its awful that you are being fobbed off without a suit for your LO due to the expense, can you just badger them to death about it??? Are there any contatcs you can google on internet to help you get one??
WG xx
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Post by nicola1712 on Jun 29, 2008 19:12:11 GMT
Hiya Glad you are feeling a bit better on the PNI side of things anyway. WG is right, your LO won't know any different as she gets bigger and you can explain to her about why she has to cover up as she is special, with a special type of skin that needs extra care. As a teacher I have worked with loads of kids with different problems and it has always amazed me how at school the other kids just accept that that's the way they are. They are often really protective of that child too which is kinda sweet! If they question it then the child in question is usually really proud of their 'difference.' And yeah there must be stuff/people on internet you can talk to who have been through the same. As for the NHS - well I have had a ingrowing toenail since March and only just got to have it sorted a week ago - in that time it was infected and growing more and more, but they take bloody ages to get round to sorting things. Persevere, keep nagging and you'll get there. And stay positive too! xxx
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anita123
Senior Member
I have a little girl who is 8 months old.
Posts: 172
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Post by anita123 on Jul 11, 2008 18:26:34 GMT
Thanks guys apreciate your comments.
Had a bit of a tough week but have managed to get through it so really proud of myself...did feel like crying a couple of times but managed to hold it together.
My Lo is doing really well with her scratching and i am still pestering the paediatricians for the suits...so hopefully it will pay off. She is trying to walk now god help me....and in to everything and anything. But i am really starting to enjoy her alot which is making me feel happy
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Post by nicola1712 on Jul 12, 2008 18:32:27 GMT
Am enjoying my LO so much more now she is crawling as well so can't wait till she is walking too! I love watching her learning about everything around her and how she looks at it all with complete wonder Glad you had an ok week and are keeping it together though. Hope your weekend goes ok too. xx
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