larsbars
Senior Member
Mummy to Daisy 3 1/2 & Jamie 2.
Posts: 415
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Post by larsbars on Mar 31, 2009 13:28:03 GMT
Thanks WG.
Jamie's appointment went ok. It was pretty much as I expected. They said his lung has improved slightly but still has a way to go. We have to go back in 2 months and depending on how much it has improved they will do a CT scan and se if there is anything they can do to help it.
I didn't actually feel too bad on the day. After the app. was over we went into Oxford and had a little look round the shops and then went and had something to eat so we tried to make a bit of a day of it. On Thurs, Fri Sat I felt ok. Just seemed more relaxed without even trying. I guess the appointment was getting to me more than I thought. I started to feel a little bit low on Sunday but just tried to dismiss the thoughts straight away and by the evening I was feeling a bit better again. This week has been ok...I wouldn't say that I feel calm and happy but I don't feel miserable and anxious all of the time which is good although I am starting to feel a bit anxious now. OH goes off on his stag weekend on Thursday til Sunday night. I'm not too worried about the days because because I can occupy myself all day but I hate the nights. It's the waking up in the middle of the night and feeling panicky which gets to me and although Rod can't really do anything because I rarely tell him and just work through it myself, it's the thought of going mad and runnng around going ballitstic (which I have never done!) which frightens me. I have decided though that I will go out all every day, will feed the kids while we are out so that the house stays tidy and is less work/stress for me and will have valium at the ready! I think it's only fair whils OH is pissing it up in Prague!!
xx
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Post by winegirl on Mar 31, 2009 14:09:56 GMT
Hi Lara,
LOL - too right!! I went to Prague not long ago and you can get p****d for about a fiver, so you will be able to spend money on going out everyday in the knowledge that hubby is saving!
You sound like you have been doing much better - and well done for dismissing the thoughts on Sunday! That is a really hard thing to do, and I know I always go on at everyone about doing just that, but as you have seen, it does work!!
Hope the rest of your week goes well, and hope the weather stays like this too - definately helps!!
Take Care
WG xx
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Post by cokey on Apr 1, 2009 7:12:22 GMT
Hey Lara
You will be fine when your husband goes away. My husband went to work away for 6 weeks and I was petrified but it turned out much better than I thought and I wasnt as bad.
Cokey xx
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Post by sianyc on Apr 3, 2009 11:25:52 GMT
Mine went to Krakow for 4 days over mother's day - grrr
Dreaded it for months before but it actually wasn't too bad. I made sure to spend a lot of ime with my mum though :-)
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larsbars
Senior Member
Mummy to Daisy 3 1/2 & Jamie 2.
Posts: 415
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Post by larsbars on Apr 3, 2009 18:03:11 GMT
Thanks for your messages.
Got through yesterday ok....I don't really worry about the days too much. I got home at about 5.30 and LO's were completely knackered and fell asleep. I tried to rouse them but they were gone ad if I had woken them they would have been well miserable! I let them sleep and got a few jobs done. They woke around the time Eastenders was on. We watched that and then I got them ready for bed. I put both of their mattresses on daisy's floor and they both watched telly. I watched a bit more telly and went on the computer for a while and went up to bed at about 10.30. They were only just still awake so I watched telly in bed. Had a few thoughts but managed to quash them straight away and the next thing I woke up and it was 6.45 in the morning and LO's were watching a dvd. I laid there for a while and started to feel all panicky. Tried to get rid of it but it had taken hold so just had to ride it out. I did manage to doze of again for a little while and woke again a bit more relaxed. Got ready and then did SIL's hair. She left her LO with me til about 2.30 and MIL picked her up. I sat doen with LO's cos had a bit of a headache and felt really knackered. Managed to doze on and off for about 2 hours and daisy fell asleep too. Jamie just played while watching cbeebies. My head still feels crap. It's because last nighr and the night before my sleep has been crap because I am anxious. I hope I can just get through tonight without feeling too bad. I'm going bowling qith my sister tomorrow as it is her LO's birthday and then will take the kids for something to eat so that will fill tomorrow up. I'm hoping that by tomo=orrow I will relax a bit knowing that OH will be home the next day. Sunday, if the weather is nice, I might do a bit of gardening. I've been wanting to do it for ages but worried about having another frost but think I will take a chance.
Any FIL has just phoned to say that they and BIL's family are going to our local social. Was looking forward to enders tonight but might just catch it at 10 instead and go out and be sociable. Should knacker kids out a bit if they have a late night and maybe they will sleep through again. x
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larsbars
Senior Member
Mummy to Daisy 3 1/2 & Jamie 2.
Posts: 415
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Post by larsbars on Apr 6, 2009 19:06:07 GMT
Well.....I managed to get through my four days which I was pleased about.
On sat went bowling with my niece and we had a nice time...then got McD's and went back to her house for a while. My mum and dad came over too so got to catch up with them. Drove home and LO's wanted to see their other cousin so went over there and then drove home. Did a few jobs and kept LO's up til I went to bed so that there was less chance of them waking in the night. When I went to bed I started feeling abit panicky but couldn't seem to get rid of it and it was getting worse. I took a diazepam cos I didn't want it to get out of control and after half an hour of watching tv I managed to relax enough to doze off. I woke a couple of times in the night cos Jamie came into bed with me but wasn't crying or anything so managed to just drift straight back off. Sunday we took a drive to the local garden centre and had lunch then took the kids to see the animals and bought some seeds to plant in the garden. Delivered a few bits and bobs to people and then came home. Got the kids sorted with dinner and then put OH's dinner in and he got in about 8ish...Finally! I had booked a full body massage for this afternoon so took myself off for a bath with strimmer to get rid of some body hair! OH kept commenting about wanting some nookie but I really wasn't in the mood. I did say 'maybe' incase I did feel like it later but it is such a mistake to say that cos in his etes I have said yes. Finished in the bath and OH was in bed so got in with my PJ's on. He wasn't best pleased when I denied him any sex and turned his back on me in a right strop! I just thought 'oh f**k off back to prague' in my head...the selfish bastard. I was bloody knackered mentally and physically and all he thinks is 'open your legs cos I'm home'. Needless to say I got up with LO's this morning and got them ready for tots and left him in bed watching telly. When I got back home he was okay but said that it would have been nice if I had shown him a bit of affection when he got back. I did say that I did cuddle hime but said that we were obviously on different wave lengths and that was that. He also said 'all my mates got it the night before we went' . To be honest with you I was really anxious about him going so didn't feel like it then. I just said 'well tough shit you didn't'!
Anyway...I left for my massage and started feeling really on edge. I just think that it was probably all of the stress of the last few days and OH's antics taking it's toll but I didn't really fancy a massage. I've really only got thongs so thought I better pop to M&S for some new knickers cos didn't want to strip down and bare my arse in a thong or wear my time of the month knickers so wanted some nice white ones. When I got into the room she told me to strip down and gave me a black paper thong to put on anyway....at least I have new knickers though now! When she started the massage i felt so on edge. I usually really love having a massage but just felt so confined. I was tempted to tell her to stop cos felt so crap but then didn't want to waste it so just tried to concentrate on what she was doing and talked to her to take my mind off of things. When it was over my body did feel really relaxed but my mind was just doing overtime. By the time I got home I felt really shit and haven't really done much this afternoon. Told OH that he pissed me off last night and we are ok now but feel like I have a lump in my throat now and am tight chested and really anxious. I'm hoping that a nights sleep will perk me up for tomorrow. Gotta go and sort kids out in the shower now as OH is struggling!!!
x
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Post by winegirl on Apr 6, 2009 19:39:43 GMT
Hey Lara You have had a massive few days mate! You have been none stop, and now you feel pressured to have sex when you dont really feeli like it - no wonder you are anxious!! Sort yourself out a bit more me time, but dont pressure yourself to feel relaxed! Watch a chick flick on your own or something and yuo will automatically feel relaxed wihout having to try and force it! You did brill on your own mate - bet you couldnt imagine that a year ago! Cut yourself some slack girl - you dont realise how ace you are doing! As for OH - well, we all know what thats like, perhaps try and explain to him that you cant offer sex on demand and need to be in the right frame of mind. If nothing else it should make him really nice to you for the next few days!! Hang in there girl, you are doing great Love WG xx
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Post by nicola1712 on Apr 7, 2009 19:01:31 GMT
WGs right hun - you have had a hectic knackering few days and he has been out on the booze having lie ins no doubt! So don't beat yoursefl up for not giving into him.
Me and DH are on 'different wavelengths' too - I just like a cuddle sometimes but he considers quality time as sex. Also we are the same, if I say 'maybe later' he takes that as 'yes defo'!
He'll get over it - my DH is slowly getting used to it!
Hope today was better...
xx
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larsbars
Senior Member
Mummy to Daisy 3 1/2 & Jamie 2.
Posts: 415
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Post by larsbars on Apr 7, 2009 19:59:19 GMT
Thanks Nicola/WG...
Well yesterday evening seemed to be going well. Had another little chat with OH telling him that I was feeling really crap. We watched a bit of telly and then he asked we could 'go upstairs' later. I told him that I really wasn't feeling like it and he kind of said ok but in a disappointed way. He then asked if I could put the throws on the settee. I said that I would do it in the morning and he got all stroppy. I told him that I knew he would react like this if I didn't have sex with him and said that he expected it and it was normal. He said that he has been doing all of the jobs all day and it would be nice if I could help. I did ask him if he thought i had been witting on my arse for the last 4 days while he had been on 'holiday' and did point out that I coped quite well without him and did manage. I then decided to go and watch tv in bed so just took myself off without telling him. He came to bed and we said nothing to each other.
This morning he got up for work and came and said goodbye and that he loved me and sorry he was miserable last night. I just said ok and he went off. I felt a little bit edgy this morning but it soon passed. Popped to the bank and opticians and then to tescos for some food shopping. Got home at 2 and both LO's were asleep so carried them in and left them. I then had a good 2 hours of peace and quiet to myself to tidy up and spend some time on the computer while eating lunch. Daisy woke at 4 and went on the computer and then Jamie woke at 5. OH got in at 5 too. I was in the kitchen doing ironing and the dinner feeling quite contented and in control but then I had a 'what is the point' thought and now I feel like shit. Really depressed and tight chested. I had it out with OH again about how shit he made me feel and he said to just ignore him when he is like that. I do usaually but at the moment I can't and it's affecting me. I did also point out to him that we did have sex last sunday (9 days ago) and not weeks ago as he always says. Anyway...am enjoying getting all of this out and will probably go up to bed soon with my Now magazine and find out why Angelina wants 'other lovers' when she has got Brad Pitt??? I'm also going to a local farm with a friend and her son (Daisy's best friend) tomorrow and have just seen that the forecast looks good so looking forward to some fresh air, countryside and a gossip.
x
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larsbars
Senior Member
Mummy to Daisy 3 1/2 & Jamie 2.
Posts: 415
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Post by larsbars on Apr 8, 2009 17:11:05 GMT
Woke up this morning with a heavy head and not really wanting to get out of bed. The kids are so full of beans in the morning and noisy. I feel so despondent and can't get as enthusiastic about everything like they do at the moment. It's almost like I'm becoming phobis of being happy for fear that I will feel like shit again.
I got us all ready but by the time I was ready to leave the house I was feeling really angry. I couldn't say at exactly what but my tolerance is zero at the moment. I couldn't find my phone but had had it five minutes earlier and got angry because it wasn't in my bag then I had to go upstairs and get my keys and felt angry at that fact that I couldn't get out of the front door. Anyway....I got to the farm and met my friend and LO and they all played and saw all of the animal etc. There were brief moments where I lost myself but most of the time I kept thinking about being happy etc. I kept looking at all of the other people and thinking that they were probably really enjoying their day out and soaking up all of the atmosphere and not obsessing over whether they were enjoying themselves or not. By the time we got to the car LO's were really miserable and knackered. Got them in the car and quiet and had a peaceful drive home although I just felt really crap. I kind of felt depressed but I think it is a type of anxiety. What is the difference between anxiety and depression though. I have always been told by the doc that I have depression but I think it is more anxiety. I just can't switch my brain off and it's like a type of anxiety that doesn't make me feel panicky as such but just like my head will explode.
I'm going to my friend's candle party tonight. She lives about half an hour away and I really don't feel like the drive. I just want to curl up and hide in bed but gonna put myself out because there will be friends there I haven't seen in ages and it may be the distraction that I need.
Just had a it of a chat with OH aout the sex issue. He is being fine with me but told himm that because I am feeling so shit at the moment I don't even feel like I can put myself out just to satisfy him. I explained that sex is such an intimate thing for a woman that if you feel like crap it can be cringeworthy to be touched. I was reading some of the sex posts on here earlier and some of them rang true with me. I would be quite happy to never have sex again. I just can't be bothered with it and would rather clean the bathroom or do the ironing. There just doesn't seem like enough room in my head to think about it these days. The thought of being really sexual in the bedroom just doesn't seem right when I have 2 small children. It almost seems inappropriate. I have mentioned this to OH but also said that I understood how he was feeling because to him it is just sex...no big deal...willy in fanny and all done. I so wish I could be like that and we would all be happy but just can't. Anyway....I think that he realises how crappy I feel now and that his moodiness hasn't helped me one bit the last few days. He did ask again last and although he didn't get in mood he just kept himself to himself but I knew he was really let down. He says that he feels really rejected sometimes. He is a really understanding person usually and very supportive but sometimes when I say I feel like crap it kind of washes over him until things come to a head and then it sinks in.
I have been ovulating over the last few days so it could be a factor in my feeling crapness but who knows. Just hope I don't feel like this til time of the month.
Better go now cos dinner is on and smelling nice and I'm starving. x
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Post by winegirl on Apr 8, 2009 20:30:07 GMT
Hi Lara
Sorry its a quickie mate.. keep promising i will get myself off teh internet and do some work...lol
Anxiety and depression tend to go hand in hand. A depressed person will probably have an underlying anxiety, and an anxious person is bound to get depressed because of it!
The boring science bit is that it is all due to a chemical called Seretonin in our heads that goes hay-wire, but that one chemical controls depression and anxiety, hence it often goes hand in hand.
Boring bit over..
On a positive note i remember when i used to spend my whole time obsession over whether i was happy or not, and when i wasnt obsessing about that i was just stressed or anxious to the max. Sounds silly, but it is actually a sign that you really are getting well. You are questioning these things alot, which in itself isnt very helpful, but does show that you are on the right road to kicking butt completely.
Hope you enjoyed your dinner mate and you have not nodded off reading my reply xxx
Love
WG xx
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Post by cokey on Apr 9, 2009 12:53:44 GMT
Me too - even from early on, as soon as I got a happy thought, a nasty negative one would stick to it and analyse everything. Its a pain in the ****.
You symptoms are so similar to mine and when I was tested by my counsellor every time I was high on anxiety and low on depression. As WG said you are bound to have some depression with high anxiety because they go hand in hand but it doesnt sound like proper depression.
Cokey xx
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larsbars
Senior Member
Mummy to Daisy 3 1/2 & Jamie 2.
Posts: 415
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Post by larsbars on Apr 22, 2009 13:10:14 GMT
I'm back....
Since my last posts I have been feeling ok. OH is walking round like a bitch on heat anymore and seems to have calmed down!! I did have my mum over last Wednesday because she had another nosebleed (related to high bllod pressure) and she panicked that it was gonna be as bad as last time and got herself in a right state (she suffers with anxiety and depression too). To cut a long story short she stayed Weds night but the next morning had blood in her urine because of cystitis and that sent her into another panic. I told her to take more valium and go to the docs. I had to drive her there which is over half an hour away. She wanted to go there asap and made quite an early app which was pretty impossible for me to get me and 2 kids ready for but she was in a right state and just wanted to go. The kids were screaming which, i could see, was irritating her. They were irritating me and her being irritated was irritating me and then OH not liking her being there wasn't helping so in the end I told her that it would be better if she stayed at my brothers because it would be quieter there and much closer to her house and docs etc. She did agree and I dropped her off after the docs. I felt quite proud of myself because I had , for once, stood up for myself with her and not let my heart rule my head. I knew that I was getting too stressed with it all. Anyway.... later that day I came on...I could have punched the air. I'd had a 2 day headache and realised why I was getting so stressed so I can cope with that. I am now nearly finishing my period and am feeling really rubbish. I feel exhausted...mentally and physically and am having thoughts about life but am trying to tell myself that it is just the hormones and that I should pick up again in a couple of days. I do hope so. Pre period was a lot better this month so that is positive.
I need to go and do some housework now It's lovely and I feel like sunbathing in the garden with the kids but they both emptied the entire contents of our clothes drawers this morning and there is a see of clothes on my floor which need refolding and putting away. Then I have washing to hang up and more to put on and all of the other shit that goes with being a mother and then it will be tea time and there will be more mess to deal with!! Then I have a committee meeting at preschool tonight so tomorrow I having a day in the garden for the tan and to do some gardening...I need it!
x
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Post by winegirl on Apr 25, 2009 9:14:12 GMT
Hey Lara
How is your mum now? Talk about stress! Well done on getting through all that with PMT on top! I think that time of month is certainly getting better for you these days, what do you think??
Know what you mean about the housework, my house looks liek a bomb has hit it. Grrr the trials of being a mum ( and i only have one child so whats my excuse?! LOL)
Hope you managed to get out in the garden yestrday and make the moset of it??
Love
WG x
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Post by cokey on May 8, 2009 18:50:10 GMT
Hi Lara
Just wanted to pop in and say hello. Been catching up on your posts. We are so alike you know, your feelings when you blip are just the same as mine, you describe them to a tee. Also we both seem to flit in and out of blips wuite quickly, guess thats the stage of our reovery.
Glad you are having a better time right now.
Cokey xx
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