larsbars
Senior Member
Mummy to Daisy 3 1/2 & Jamie 2.
Posts: 415
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Post by larsbars on Jun 2, 2009 18:34:04 GMT
Well it's been a long time since I last posted.
I got over the mother situation. She got laid off work which has been a god send to her really. My sister has sorted out her benefits and she now realises that she can afford to retire but that she must forego all of the little luxuries she had. Hopefully she can chill out for a while and sort her head out and then get a part time job which I know she wants.
I have been up and down lately but looking at things on here I guess I can see why. Since my last post...about a week later I noticed that Jamie was getting breathless really easily. I took him for an xray at our local hospital and his lung had totally collapsed and was pushing on his heart. We got sent straight to a&e and then transferred to the John Radcliffe in Oxford which is the hospital he is currently under. I have to say though he was running up and down the corridors screaming and shouting totally oblivious as to how ill he was. Anyway..the next day the inserted a chest draing which returned his lung back to 2/3 inflated which is where it was when we left hospital last time. There was quite a big air leak though so they left the drain in for a week to see if the lung would improve but it didn't so they scheduled him in for surgery the following tuesday. They basically had to remove a load of necrotic tissue from the infection in Jan and then they had to close the hole. It took 5 hours in total but 24 hours later he was back on his feet. He acts like nothing has happened to him which is good because I would find it distressing if he was in pain and unhappy. They put a surgic drain in to drain of fuid andtha did show an air leak so after 48 hours they took it out and we went home. He was really good with it and gave us no problems whatsoever. We came home on the friday and by sunday I was obsessing about the fact that I didn't really love rod anymore but I was so anxious about it it was hurting my chest and my head and I had to tell him. Of course he was gutted and said I was shot away...I took that one with a pinch of salt! Over the next couple of days the stress subsided and I was thinking that maybe I was being a bit hasty. Basically I don't want sex at all and there are no fireworks any more but I guess that happens in a lot of relationships. To top it all off I was ovulating which I am sure contributed to things.
Must go cos got a toddlers meeting to go to and need to bath LO's. I will finish my post later. x
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Post by winegirl on Jun 2, 2009 19:31:35 GMT
Oh mate I am so sorry for everything Jamie has been through!! You guys must have been worried sick! What a brave wee lad though to get through that surgery and recover so well... you must be very proud of him x
Yes, I can relate to EVERYTHING you say about the sex and fireworks etc and have questioned all this myself alot. Apparently it is VERY common with ladies who have had PNI or meds etc.. and I am todl it does come back.
Will be back later to read your update xx
WG x
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larsbars
Senior Member
Mummy to Daisy 3 1/2 & Jamie 2.
Posts: 415
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Post by larsbars on Jun 4, 2009 21:46:29 GMT
back again albeit a couple of days late!
Anyway...by Thursday I was a little unsure about Jamie's breathing again so I phoned the hospital again and they said to bring him in. They did an xray and sure enough...his lung had partially collapsed. They let us go home for the weekend as he had a small leak but booked up into the ward for the monday. By monday he had another xray and his lung was almost totally collapsed. They put a chest drain in adn then on tues. did another xray. His lung had re-inflated apart from the top which has never re-inflated properly since he had the infection. The cons. think this part has become compressed and just needs time to reshape itself so they have left the drain in to stop the lung collapsing thus allowing it to heal, reshape and stick to the membrane inside the rib cage. Luckily though they have put a portable drain on and have let me home with it. I have to flush it through daily and drain off any fluid but we have been home for two weeks now and it is pretty straight forward. Jamie seems all fine with it which is reassuring. He had another xray today and it looks like the pocket of air has gone so hopefully the lung has reinflated although there is a lot of scar tissue there but his cons. couldn't look at the xray until after we had gone so we just need to go back next week. I guess he will call if he is concerned about anything.
As for me......I feel like shit. I am so up and down and terribly anxious all of the time. I've got my what is the point head on. It's not so much questioning life and mortality etc but as soon as get on a bit of a good streak I kind of think that there is no point as I will feel shit again so I just feel shit all of the time. I have been on the go all day...partly on purpose so that I don't come home and wallow. By the time we got home the kids were unbearable as they were tired but just when were gonna get them to the bed th ILs came round so they got all hyper and we were trying to talk but LO's were screaming and shouting and it all just got so loud. When ILs went I took LO's up to bed and they did everything but get ready for bed. I eventually got their pjs on and kind of left them to go and watch telly in daisys room. I just shut myself in the bathroom and sat on the loo reading trying very hard to avert a major panic attack. I was reading the local parish council report and it is very detailed so kind of did the trick! I just seem to be on the verge of panic all of the time and life is so difficult. I dread getting up although once I have it's not so bad but then by early evening I have had enough and just want to go to bed. I am keeping up with the washing and ironing and am even starting to do some regular cleaning again (I know this is not of major importance but makes me feel calmer when the house is slightly ordered). Life just seems like one major chore at the moment. I feel like I want to go away to a really peaceful retreat somewhere with loads of valium and all of the things that I want to do as and when I want to...i.e. tv when I want...puzzles and crosswords[, arts and crafts. All of the things I have ever wanted to do. I guess I am gonna have to wait til retirement for that but I'm also sure that most mums feel like this at some point in their lives! I know that if I took some diazepam it would take the anxiety away but that's not really a long term solution and would mean that I would walk round like a zombie the whole day. My counsellor has said that taking too much of your ad's can heighten anxiety and when I have had my well periods I have contemplated cutting them down. I never seem to cry about Jamie at all and I'm sure it is because I am on a high level of ad's. When he went down for his op I just wanted to cry like normal people do and even rod says that I have no feelings sometimes but saying that...Daisy went on her first school trip today and when the coach pulled up to drop them off I got all emotional and cried a bit because I suddenly realised that she was getting all grown up. It was the first major thing she has done without me too. I felt like such a pleb. None of the other mums were like it but I guess that it does show that I do have some feelings. I guess I could also go to my doc and ask to change my ad's. When I upped them this time last year to the full dose they really seemed to work for me and I felt a whole lot better but since our hospital stay in Jan with Jamie I have never really picked up again properly. I guess his illness is still ongoing but I don't think I should feel as low as I do. I really don't know what to do and feel like giving up sometimes. I love my kids to distraction and they crack me up sometimes just for being them but I sometimes wish that someone would come and take the responsibility off of me so that I could go and hibernate for a week...either that or I want to feel normal so that I can get on with my life.
I think I have poured enough out....will be back on here tomorrow as I'm sure there will be a load more angst to write about.
x
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Post by nicola1712 on Jun 5, 2009 19:26:01 GMT
So sorry to hear your latest Lara - have just caught up with your diary. Poor Jamie and poor you! Hope he is feeling better and you sound like you just need a bit of time out for a rest. Try and take some you time if you can - and don't feel bad about not crying over some things and then crying over others, everyone is different and copes with things differently.
Thinking of you
xxx
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Post by winegirl on Jun 6, 2009 7:30:50 GMT
Hey Lara
You need to give yourself a break from your head hun! It is understandable that your anxiety should be sky high with all that you and your family have had to contend with! The fact that you are just carrying on with life in itself is such strength mate, you are a better person than I!
I too used to think that i would like to go to some sort of retreat for a few days, where i could read books, do some art or something, sleep... Still would actually! My way round it was to have a day off life. Where Isabelle would be at nursery, Hubby at work and i would stay home alone. I would sleep in till late, get up and sit watching a bit of telly in PJ's, have a hot bath, read a book etc... just a day off from everything sometimes works for me as a bit of a recharge...
Which meds are you on hun?? I know my first lot of meds sent my anxiety through the roof and i had to change hun...
Thinking of you
WG xx
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larsbars
Senior Member
Mummy to Daisy 3 1/2 & Jamie 2.
Posts: 415
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Post by larsbars on Jun 6, 2009 10:59:57 GMT
Thanks Nicola & WG,
I actually felt a bit better yesterday. I think I needed to offload a bit which I did here. Every time the anxiety crept in I had the strength to change the subject in my head. I have been giving in to it really as I haven't had the energy to fight it.
WG....I'm on Citalopram. It was ok this time last year but maybe I have got used to the dose. I really need to have day to myself. Rod is really good at the weekends. I got to lay in til 10.30 this morning...partly due to the fact that I went out last night and had a few drinks but I have been pleasing myself this morning and keeping half an eye on the kids while he keeps the other half! Still feeling ok though. ROd is off for the next couple of weeks and we are going to book a few days away which is definitely what I need....a change of scenery. Just hoping we can get a few days with good weather!
Better go now and get in the shower...lazy cow that I am!!
x
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Post by winegirl on Jun 6, 2009 13:42:14 GMT
Awww hope you enjoy your break away - you SO deserve it. Try to sit on your butt and do nothing, rest is the key xx
Take Care hun x
WG ((()))
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Post by cokey on Jun 7, 2009 18:39:09 GMT
HI Lara
Its totally normal to have heightened anxiety during times like these. Also its normal not to cry. When my eldest, Michael was born, he was so prem and was in hospital for 13 weeks and had ops etc, and I never cried at all or felt much emotion. Now if I see prems on telly, I cry. It is all part of our coping mechanism. yet we can cry at silly things like animals on telly etc etc.
I totally agree you need that break. Also I feel like you sometimes, love my kids too much but at times that in itself is so exhausting you just want time out to just be.
Hope you are havinga better few days.
Candice xx
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larsbars
Senior Member
Mummy to Daisy 3 1/2 & Jamie 2.
Posts: 415
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Post by larsbars on Jun 8, 2009 21:12:26 GMT
Hi All,
Thanks WG...will be good to do no cooking and cleaning for a few days. We have booked a weekend away to Hastings (mon - fri) so we now have something to look forward to. The only thing worrying me is the fact that half of Daisy's preschool has gone down with chicken pox over the last couple of weeks and you can guarantee that she will get them while we are away!! Also...we have noticed that around Jamie's scar where he had his op there seems to be a hard protrusion...almost like one of his ribs is out of place. It could well be scar tissue but it feels very hard and even OH agrees. I will get them to check it out when we go for our app. on thurs. I just hope that it isn't anything bad and they decide to keep us in!
Candice....I'm glad you said that about your LO. When both of mine were born I didn't cry at all. I couldn't say that I was over come with emotion and I was quite happy for Rod to deal with the babies so I could have a rest yet if I see babies being born on tv I'm a blubbering wreck!! It's the same with weddings too. You kind of made me feel human and I accept that it is obviously the way I cope with things in times of stress. I guess it's good really.
Since my last post I have been feeling ok until yesterday. I woke up feeling really lethargic and a bit headachey. I couldn't really work out why but I had no energy or enthusiasm. I think I am ovulating today. I usually notice from a change is discharge (tmi I know). Anyway I have been feeling a bit stressy and down today. It's almost like a light has gone off..like someone has switched off my energy and positivity. I'm trying not to dwell on it too much though and accept that it is probably hormonal. I've also had a dull ache in my tummy from time to time today so it probably is ovulation.
I have just done a ton of ironing as, despite my trying to keep on top of it since the last lot, it seems to have crept up on me again. I have to keep the kids out of the house at the mo as Rod is off and painting in the hall. Tomorrow night I have a tots meeting and thursday night I have a preschool meeting so heaven knows when I am supposed to pack!! I'll try not to let it stress me out though!
x
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larsbars
Senior Member
Mummy to Daisy 3 1/2 & Jamie 2.
Posts: 415
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Post by larsbars on Jun 9, 2009 16:11:23 GMT
I'm having an absolutely awful day today. I just feel so so anxious that I think that makes me feel depressed. It started last night when I got in bed. I kept having thoughts and couldn't get rid of them. I kept thinking about my life in general and it felt like I wanted to scream and say for f**ks sake and lose it and have a massive panic. Even things on the telly were starting me off. Just an advert would suddenly make me feel all anxious. I did manage to calm myself down enough to fall asleep but then this morning was awful. I walked Daisy to preschool and as I was walking I was thinking that I am doing the same thing day in day out and I had this sudden wave of panic come over me like it was too much and I couldn't do it anymore. I have also had other moments like this today and it is so frightening. It's so intense. I am definitely ovulating at the moment and last month when I told Rod that I didn't think I wanted to be with him anymore I was in a right state and extremely anxious and tight chested. I was ovulating then. It's like someone has flicked a switch and I've gone from being laid back and on a level to highly strung and frightened. It almost feels like my whole body inside is shaking. I feel too anxious to eat and am feeling sick at times through sheer anxiety. I have been keeping myself busy to try and distract myself from thinking but as soon as I am alone with my thoughts it starts again. I so hope that it will subside again when I finish ovulating. I can't cope.
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Post by nicola1712 on Jun 10, 2009 18:10:47 GMT
When I ovulate it used to send me all funny too hon, one minute I was on top of the world and next through the floor. Give it a day or so and you should start to feel better.
Oh and glad I wasn't the only one who didn't cry at her own wedding but bawls her eyes out at everyone elses!
Hope you start to feel better soon and enjoy your break!
xx
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Post by winegirl on Jun 11, 2009 10:39:05 GMT
Hey Lara
If i remeber right, like me, you have PCOS? I have found that because of this at the time of ovulating our bodies are almost electrified by the hormaones involved and can send us a bit wappy.. I was looking for patterns of PMT (which is difficult as you know with PCOS as you never know when you are coming on) but decided it was actually more like when i was ovulating...
How have things been so far today? Hopefully the ovulation problem should only last a couple of days??
WG x
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larsbars
Senior Member
Mummy to Daisy 3 1/2 & Jamie 2.
Posts: 415
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Post by larsbars on Jun 26, 2009 22:17:40 GMT
I haven't been on for a while because I have been feeling quite good. We went away on our hols to Hastings. I was feeling apprehensive but once we got there I managed to enjoy myself for the best part of it and we had lovely weather which made all of the difference. We went on the Fri til Mon but on the Sun night I felt really panicky. It started with me feeling really anxious and not being able to shake it. When I got back to the caravan I took a diazepam which calmed me down enought to get to sleep. The next day we went to kiddies park and farm centre. Had lovely day there then drove home. Since then I was feeling a lot better. I think that the break did me good. It suddenly felt like I would have a life again once i wasn't chained to the kitchen sink any more!!
We went to LO's new school on weds night for a meeting and started to feel anxious there. Don't know why because school is lovely. I came on on weds but up until then I had been feeling surprisingly well considering I was due on. Anyway....woke up thurs and felt better again. Have been feeling quite stressed out today although once I got LO's out I enjoyed my time with them. Went to SIL's this afternoon and LO's played and had tea but since then my anxiety has gone through the roof. I had two cups of tea there and I do sometimes feel anxious when I leave hers and I'm wondering if it is a caffeine things because I drink decaf and she doesn't. Gonna look a bit more into I think...google here I come! I am probably the same as most people on here but I think the MJ has been a bit of a shock today. It soesn't help if you are having a bad day!
Anyway....of to nieces school fete tomorrow with LO's and then hopefully to London Zoo on Sun so hoping for a nice weekend!
x
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Post by winegirl on Jun 27, 2009 8:31:45 GMT
Hey Lara
Just wanted to say that I am a big tea drinker now, but when I had PNI I couldnt touch it because the caffeine really did set my anxiety off! They do sat to try and avoid it with anxiety, but I know first hand that they are right!
Hope you have a lovely time at the fete today and the Zoo tomorrow! Never been to London Zoo so would be interested to hear what you think of it?
Take Care
WG xx
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larsbars
Senior Member
Mummy to Daisy 3 1/2 & Jamie 2.
Posts: 415
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Post by larsbars on Jun 29, 2009 22:48:08 GMT
Hi All,
WG - London Zoo is really good. We went a couple of years ago with Daisy for her birthday. The only thing I will say with a LO is that things are quite well spread out so it is a lot of walking for them. It's definitely worth a visit though.
On Saturday we went to niece's school fete and Daisy had a lovely time. Came home for a while and then went shopping. Came home and and didn't do much else. I'd had a headache for about 4 days so was hoping so shake that for our Zoo visit the next day. Saturday night I didn't feel too good at all though. I'd been feeling anxious and then by the time I was ready for bed I felt like I wanted to have a full blown panic attack. I just managed to watch telly through it though and it settled so I could fall asleep. The next morning I woke and got kids and myself ready to go out. I felt really miserable and by the time I left home I felt really stressed and ready to rip someone's head off. Mainly because it is a nightmare to get out of the house in the morning! I managed to chill out on the way up there. It was lovely and sunny and we had the music on and as we drove past Heathrow we were watching planes take off and land...I felt really happy....I wishing that I was on one of those planes too! Anyway...we got to the zoo and and it was very hot walking around. My headache was still there so that was annoying me and I couldn't really enjoy myself. I just felt a little bit tense and couldn't relax properly. Anyway buy the time we were gonna leave my head was thumping. I took some pills but they didn't really help. It should have taken us an hour to get home but took us 2 because part of the M4 had been shut so I had to help OH navigate round another way. By the time we got in I felt so tense and my head was banging. I decided that I needed some codeine. I have run out of my paracetamol and codeine tabs but have some codeine suspension that Jamie was given upon leaving hospital so took some of that. I got the LO's ready for bed and then just chilled out and watched telly on the bed, under the fan! Had a good nights sleep but have just felt like shit today. All I could think was it was another week and so predictable. I had toddlers this morning and luckily a friend asked us over for lunch so popped to bank then home to hang up washing and do a couple of jobs. I had moments where I felt so down and like I was gonna have a massive panic. Went to friends house and we had a chat about life and managed to calm down a bit after that. Went home and did a load of ironing. Fed kids got them bathed and in bed and then laid on the bed to watch telly. Rod was talking about the moon and it started me thinking about the earth and the big bang and what if we weren't here who would know about anything...etc etc...managed to stave off that pannic and get into the tennis then started to think about myself and and getting panicky and panicking about being me etc...etc...managed to stave that one off and get back into the tennis. Anyway.....glad Andy Murray won but feel so drained.....I don't know why I feel so anxious at the moment...if does my head in. Glad that I have vented a bit though.
x
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