michelle79
Senior Member
mummy to Jack born 2004 and had pni since his birth
Posts: 471
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Post by michelle79 on Aug 20, 2008 21:00:29 GMT
taken my meds and going to try stay on here til they work. i know this feeling isnt going to go away. If i dont s/h again tonight i will only do it tomorrow and i wish i could not do it but its not that easy.
I cant help blaming myself for things. Its always been my fault for everything even when i was little and was never good enough for my parents, then i was in an abusive relationship and was to blame for a lot there because if i had done things right i wouldnt have been hit or raped or punished and now i have messed up my husband and son and mesing up my family because they cant cope and its hard to deal with.
I want all this hurt and pain and blame to go away
Shell
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Post by cheshire on Aug 20, 2008 21:05:18 GMT
Hi Shell,
Wow that's controlling - are you aware that this is run by mutual survivors and supporters?
We all need our sleep too.
We care, but thi sseems like you have us all hanging on a thread
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Post by winegirl on Aug 20, 2008 21:05:49 GMT
You need the right intesive therapy hun. I spent many years believing I was the reason for every one of the bad things that happened in my life, and understanding that it wasnt all my fault really did lift a huge weight off my shoulders.
NOTHING you can do can mean you are at fault for being raped or punished, and NOTHING you can do can have caused you to have this illness.
I think the CBT will be fab for you but perhaps you nee dto discuss having therapy to look at your past too??
How you doing now mate, any closer to feeling sleepy?? Got any tunes you can play yourself in bed?
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Post by cheshire on Aug 20, 2008 21:07:27 GMT
posts crossed there WG - sorry x
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michelle79
Senior Member
mummy to Jack born 2004 and had pni since his birth
Posts: 471
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Post by michelle79 on Aug 20, 2008 21:10:24 GMT
thank you all for talking tonight - i know i am being a complete pain and im sorry. Im going to go to bed and see if i can get to sleep. Got psychology assessment in morning so will see how i get on with that. Then I think im going to try contact my cpn but not sure if she still on hols
Night all
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Post by winegirl on Aug 20, 2008 21:13:56 GMT
Night Shell.
Dont apologise hun x Best of luck for the assesment in the morning and I really hope you get hold of the CPN. Remember to be honest with them and jump up and down for all the help you need.
Sleep well x
WG xx
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Post by bam02 on Aug 20, 2008 21:17:19 GMT
SANELINE (tel: 0845 767 8000) is a national mental health helpline offering confidential emotional support and information to anyone experiencing mental health problems. www.sane.org.uk/AboutSANEand of course Samaritans 08457 909090 or 01753 532713. SANELINe is non judgemental and openuntil 11pm and staffed by volunteers , with experts help.
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Post by winegirl on Aug 21, 2008 7:47:58 GMT
Hi Shell
Best of luck with your appointment this morning hun x Will be thinking of you x
Will be about on and off all day if you need to chat x
WG (())
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Post by bean on Aug 21, 2008 9:29:52 GMT
Hi Shell Youre not a pain at all, we know youre hurting, sorry I couldnt chat last night I felt so shit. I didnt mean to put on you I just thought by talking we can help each other out if only for distraction until sleepy. I hope your appointment goes ok today - WG right about not looking good two trips to A&E though, you need to get the right help and quick, I know you dont want to go into hospital but you do need proper support from qualified people. I know when Ive been really bad the crisis team have once visited at home on an evening. Sending lots of love and big, big hugs beany x
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Post by cheshire on Aug 21, 2008 11:22:26 GMT
Hi Shell, Just catching up with your diary and realise my last post did not come across well - so sorry - it;s a bit of a hazard with a text based forum like this. Having been in your situation, I can really connect with the urges and your despair - and yet feel so helpless and this in turn is frustrating. I know about wanting out too - and you are so strong to be getting through each day right now. It won't be like this forever. It is so easy with this illness to blame your self and beat yourself up continually - it'e very hard not too, I know. I hope the assessment goes ok today and again, sorry if my message didn't come across well Love, Hopefulx
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michelle79
Senior Member
mummy to Jack born 2004 and had pni since his birth
Posts: 471
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Post by michelle79 on Aug 21, 2008 19:08:19 GMT
Hi everyone
Had assessment with psychologist today and was very draining - had to complete a personality questionnaire about myself and that took most of the session and didnt really get chance to talk about anything else. I did mention about the s/h but didnt really get chance to go into depths with it.
So I rang my cpn and she is back off hols but on training today so spoke to duty cpn and he was great. He listened to me talk for ages and was very helpful. He tried ringing the crisis team to see if they could ring me but apparently they dont do that anymore so he gave me some numbers to ring instead. He spoke to my cpn and she is going to ring me in the morning when she is back in work so hoping i get a visit from her tomorrow.
Then spoke to support worker at the drop in centre that i go to and we talked for about half hour about it all and he gave me an email address to contact the mental health matters team on if i couldnt face ringing them. It helped to have someone to actually talk to.
But the thing is i am still very much wanting to s/h and trying so hard not to and the thoughts are so bad and so strong. I want to fight it and i know that even if i get through tonight i will feel worse tomorrow until i actually s/h. Trying to take it hour by hour but even that is hard.
Hopeful - replied to you on facebook if you wanted to read it. Dont worry about anything. I didnt take offense.
Shell
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Post by bam02 on Aug 21, 2008 19:19:12 GMT
Our local crisis team don't support out of hours anymore... Its appalling
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Post by winegirl on Aug 21, 2008 19:23:29 GMT
Hi Shell
I think the urge to self harm will still be there until you get the proper therapy that you need. In the meantime you are doing right to take it hour by hour..
I am glad you will see the CPN tomorrow, you should push him for treatment asap and explain you feel you are not going to get any better until you get the right help.
Hows things this evening? You up to much?
WG xx
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michelle79
Senior Member
mummy to Jack born 2004 and had pni since his birth
Posts: 471
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Post by michelle79 on Aug 21, 2008 19:29:30 GMT
Hi BAM - it is appallaing that they dont run crisis team out of hours anymore in your area. I think its bad that they cant help me out at the moment - especially when i have used them over past 2 years for help and support.
Hi WG - I dont ever think the urge will go away. I keep thinking shall i just get on and do it now but am trying to stop myself. I need to get through tonight and see what my cpn says tomorrow. Hoepfully she will help. The psychology is the only way im going to get help i think but i have to get through these assessments first and see if they decide to accept me. My next assessment isnt til 11th sept as she is going on holiday. (Story of my life - everyone goes on holiday just when i need them)
Not up to much this evening - going to have a couple of drinks i think and try to chill and catch up with few people on another website i use.
Shell
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Post by winegirl on Aug 21, 2008 19:31:03 GMT
Hi Shell
It is disgraceful that they have taken so long and still not sorted therapy out for you! When I am qualified as a pysch nurse I am gonna make it my lifes mission to get people the right treatment quickly!!
What other website do you use? Is it a mummy type one or just a general chat room?
WG x
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