Post by michelle1985 on Jul 30, 2008 13:18:38 GMT
well my name is michelle and i found this lovely sight two night ago. i am going to start a diary but i am going ot start it in the past. 4 yrs ago when all this started. i will do it slowly to remember things and it may be a therapy to me if you know what i mean. then i hope to right in it often so i can right down truthfully my thoughts and feelings.
so i will start in a few weeks it is our 5th wedding anniversary i was 18 and we got married i was verry happy he was 28 we had know each other for years. the house we were buying fell though about two weeks before our wedding. we were going to move in with my mum till we found some were to live. i realy wanted a child i had babysat all my life and loved children. so when after a few months we found a place to rent and moved in. we got pregnant the first week of living there.
the first few month of my pregnancy was awful i changed as a person i started been violent to my husband he was also down in the dumps. he had no money ever and he always could do what he wanted with his money having lived so so long with him mum paying 20 a week Bord. so with me been a bitch and him getting addicted to porn. he never showed love or attention we never had sex and i thought it was all my fault. he became more distant as became more agree. the pregnancy was not going well either i was so so sick and was in pain all the time with spd. i was in and out of hospital all the time with pain or bleeding. then at 32 week her hart beat dropped so i was rushed buy an ambulance to a next town hospital. they were going to do an emergency c/s i was all alone for a while as they wouldn't let my husband in the ambulance as there was no room. i was so scared. then the doctor re assist things and said they didn't need to deliver. because of all the trouble my consultant said they would induce me at 37+ weeks when we got there she was breech so i had to have a c/s. so thee we were the morning of the c/s i was so so scared. but excited to meet my much wanted baby. when she was born i heard a weak little cry and it didn't make my hart jump in fact i didn't think it was my baby. they brought her to me and the first thing they said was hear is your little girl this is what is wrong with her they pointed out her little deformed feet and hands and that she had micro cefelisee (small head) but she was lovely and i didn't care much what was wrong with her. they offered to put her on my chest but i was sick so said no i was too scared to hold her in case i dropped her. my husband had a hold of her and then took her out of theatre to show my mum. her new grandchild. in the recover room. i had a cuddle of my little girl. and we phoned the family repeating time after time she is 4lb 7oz an has this this and this wrong with her. they later said they thought she may have been more like 35 weeks not 38. i was in so much pain after my secion that martyn did a lot for charlotte. she would not suck off me so we had to express she kept falling asleep and was nto interested. they said they had to take a blood test from her. not a little prick but they put a tiny cannula in and squeezed her arm till blue getting blood from it. and as there was no one ells. i had to hold my poor little baby down. i felt more like her nurse. i did love her i am sure of that but i did not have a bond with her that a mother should have had. me and martyn was still verry distant and because of this i would give him most of the responsibility of looking after charlotte to punish him i think.
but this re bounded as he and charlotte loved each other dearly whilst i was up stars pretending i didn;t care.
she didn't ever eat properly we had to wean her at about 3/4 months still such a small girl. it ended up she lost so much Waite and then got gastroenteritis's and we ended up in hospital for 2/3 weeks she had an ng tube placed in her tummy to feed her through it. after so long in the hospital i started ignoring her tbh i was sick of been in one room and i got a little resentful of it. and then they said the ng tube should stay in and they would teach me how to please it down in to her tummy. so some thing ells for mummy to do i had to pin my child down and put a tube down her nose (some times coursing it to bleed) i felt horrible every time i had to pin her down. daddy didn't want to do it he didn't want to hurt her. (soo i had to be the bad one)
i am not sure when i new some thing was nto right i don't think i ever realy did feel something wasn't right i thought this was what all mums must feel. i didn't realy play with ehr or kiss her she was there like she was my job. (i feel realy bad for saying this as it brings a lot of memories back.)
i know i only thing of the bad times now but there was good times she did sit on my knee and i did sing to her and she went to toddlers a few times a week with me. she was a verry social little girl and verry verry happy so i must have done some thing right. but the bond was never there.
at 4 months also we went for what i thought was a routine scan of charlottes hart as doc thought she had a mummer. i went on my own as i always did for hospital appointments we couldn't realy afford for martyn to have off. after a verry long appointment we were told all was well until i said some thing to a nurse abotu her going blue they then wanted us to go back in.
they told us they found two hart defects and she will need open hart surgery but as it is a tricky surgery they would have to Waite till she was bigger.
i was hart broken i went home on the train in floods of tires i had carried charlotte in a sling and i held her close and kissed her head
i had rang my mum and dad and martyn and they came to meet me at the train station i sobbed on martyn shoulder. martyn allso cried whilst holding her.
a few months later we went in to Leeds with her for an small operations to run die round her hart. that went ok.
me and martyns relationship was still nto right he was still sneekly looking at porn. i found out when i went on the computer and found wat he had been looking at. we fell out and didn't speak. then we got id of the Internet.
it came to a time were the ng tube was coming out so much charlotte had realy bad reflux as well and would be so so sick all the time. so again we went for surgery this time to put a tube strait in to her stomach a gastrostomy tube. and she had an operation to close up the flap in her through so food could go down and not up... we found a house to buy and started that processes. martyn didn't lift a finger so i had to do everything. ringing around everyone. as well as looking after charlotte. we went on our first and only holiday with charlotte the week we moved. it was lovely me and martyn was not speaking yet again through most of it. and again me not taking much intrest in charlotte.
when we got home i badly decided we could get the Internet again. well as you can imagen i came down stars one day martyn was washing up in the kitchen. charlotte was playing on the floor. and there was link to picture of a young woman he had been taking to her naked spread
egeled. i was so bad i saw red i pulled the scream off the table and smashed it on the floor in front of charlotte. this is one of the last memories i have of her crying little face and me the big bad mummy seeing her so much by smashing the screne in front of her.....
that was the Turing point for me and martyn he new this was it change or were done. a week or two later me martyn and charlotte were ill and because of charlotte disabilities she would get ill a lot worse than other children.. my mum and dad persuade us to go out for tea charlotte was in a bay grow and my mum says her breathing is crackly and she should realy go up to the hospital for a nebulizer for her asthma. i though my mum may have been over reacting as we were all ill and poor charlotte was like this a lot.
we got the the hospital at abotu 7.30 poor love she so wasn't well. there was no bed in the hospital so they said we would need to be transferred. they sent us down to get her chest xray and we was not told anything ells.
martyn went home and i waited to be transferred with her. it was Nealy midnight and she had been started on antibiotics through iv and a nebulizer for a chest infection.
when we got to wakefield hospital.
the doctor told me charlotte had pneumonia. i was realy upset they had nto told me in huddersfield.
i rang martyn and he sai dhe would be over first thing in the morning.
thy told me it may be better to sleep in the bed with charlotte to keep her company. i thought this was strange. there was a little baby in the next room in an oxygen tank and i heard the doctor say that little one isn't doing too well.. little did i know he was on about my little girl.
neither of us could get comfy in the bed. so i got on the put me up next to her. i had no sleep so when martyn came in the morning i lade down whilst he read a paper (this was normal to us as she was in and out regular) the doctor came and said she was on high oxygen and he wanted to take a blood gas test thing. the first one didn't realy say much.
they did another one a little later and the bad news came saying there was hardly anyoxigen in her system. and the pneumonia was getting worse. a decision was made to put her on a ventilate to help her fight of this pneumonia. and ones that was made people started walking about and going to get (the room ready) then the nurses came to take her to (the room) they plugged her on the oxygen canisters and we gave her a kiss and sat abotu waiting. we had been told that she would need ot be transferred to go to a intensive care ward some were. after a while we new my mum dad and mother in law was on there way.
then the doctor came in and said something like her hart is struggle ling so we are giving a massage (ok i was thinking nice) would you like to come in and give her a kiss. (at this point i was numb) i started walking down the corridor towards the room. and them my legs went i realised what they meant my baby was dieing..........
when we went to the room a woman was at the top of her head pumping air in the her. and a man was compressing her stomach. no one looked at us as we stepped buy them to give our girl a kiss on the head. (i told them to do all they could) we rang our parents telling them to come quick and that she was dieing. the next second they were there shouting were is she were is she. and we said in the (the room) we were taken back to the bedroom were we had spent the night and minutes later the doctor came in and said. i am so sorry we did all we could but her hart could nto take it and she was dead.....
everyone was crying except me i couldn't cry i didn't know how to i just thought how siriel was this. it is like some thing out of a tv program.
they then took us to see her i didn't want o see or hold her i was so scared (i am nto sure what off she wouldn't hurt me) but i forced my self to go in the room she was in a nurses arms she still had the ventilator tube in her mouth but we got to hold her. i was still numb i didn't cry everyone ells was. we all went out side and rang people who we needed to i told people in a calm way and then said i am sorry when they cried. i was in shock.
but it never seem to go away. i wanted to leave the hospital strait away. now i just wanted to run away. we put her pram and clothes in my dads boot my mum talked to a doctor who told her there was no need for an autopsy. i didn't care i wanted to go now....
when we went home i was just staring out of the window with rain dripping on my face not talking to anyone. thinking this morning i was a mum now i am not..
we went to my mother in laws and loads of family came there i sat in the middle of the floor whilst people cried and tried to talk to me.. when we got back to my mums (i didn't want to go home) my dad and martyn got so drunk they went to sleep strait away i sat down stairs alone till i could take no more i went to get my mum. and we walked and walked holding hands and talking through the streets. i felt safe holding my mums hand i wanted to be a child again. things couldn't hurt so much when you were a child.. the day of the funeral was my mums birthday. poor mum i sat through the funeral not crying and at the cemetery nto crying too. we went for a little walk that night the christmas lights were going up in the vilige it was the first of december. i then realised charlotte had the christmass pressants in the coupbord.. i felt sick but kept on....
i am going to have to stop now as i can nto bear to right anymore i will try and spell cheack this but i am not sure i can see anough i hope it posts as i know it is long...
so i will start in a few weeks it is our 5th wedding anniversary i was 18 and we got married i was verry happy he was 28 we had know each other for years. the house we were buying fell though about two weeks before our wedding. we were going to move in with my mum till we found some were to live. i realy wanted a child i had babysat all my life and loved children. so when after a few months we found a place to rent and moved in. we got pregnant the first week of living there.
the first few month of my pregnancy was awful i changed as a person i started been violent to my husband he was also down in the dumps. he had no money ever and he always could do what he wanted with his money having lived so so long with him mum paying 20 a week Bord. so with me been a bitch and him getting addicted to porn. he never showed love or attention we never had sex and i thought it was all my fault. he became more distant as became more agree. the pregnancy was not going well either i was so so sick and was in pain all the time with spd. i was in and out of hospital all the time with pain or bleeding. then at 32 week her hart beat dropped so i was rushed buy an ambulance to a next town hospital. they were going to do an emergency c/s i was all alone for a while as they wouldn't let my husband in the ambulance as there was no room. i was so scared. then the doctor re assist things and said they didn't need to deliver. because of all the trouble my consultant said they would induce me at 37+ weeks when we got there she was breech so i had to have a c/s. so thee we were the morning of the c/s i was so so scared. but excited to meet my much wanted baby. when she was born i heard a weak little cry and it didn't make my hart jump in fact i didn't think it was my baby. they brought her to me and the first thing they said was hear is your little girl this is what is wrong with her they pointed out her little deformed feet and hands and that she had micro cefelisee (small head) but she was lovely and i didn't care much what was wrong with her. they offered to put her on my chest but i was sick so said no i was too scared to hold her in case i dropped her. my husband had a hold of her and then took her out of theatre to show my mum. her new grandchild. in the recover room. i had a cuddle of my little girl. and we phoned the family repeating time after time she is 4lb 7oz an has this this and this wrong with her. they later said they thought she may have been more like 35 weeks not 38. i was in so much pain after my secion that martyn did a lot for charlotte. she would not suck off me so we had to express she kept falling asleep and was nto interested. they said they had to take a blood test from her. not a little prick but they put a tiny cannula in and squeezed her arm till blue getting blood from it. and as there was no one ells. i had to hold my poor little baby down. i felt more like her nurse. i did love her i am sure of that but i did not have a bond with her that a mother should have had. me and martyn was still verry distant and because of this i would give him most of the responsibility of looking after charlotte to punish him i think.
but this re bounded as he and charlotte loved each other dearly whilst i was up stars pretending i didn;t care.
she didn't ever eat properly we had to wean her at about 3/4 months still such a small girl. it ended up she lost so much Waite and then got gastroenteritis's and we ended up in hospital for 2/3 weeks she had an ng tube placed in her tummy to feed her through it. after so long in the hospital i started ignoring her tbh i was sick of been in one room and i got a little resentful of it. and then they said the ng tube should stay in and they would teach me how to please it down in to her tummy. so some thing ells for mummy to do i had to pin my child down and put a tube down her nose (some times coursing it to bleed) i felt horrible every time i had to pin her down. daddy didn't want to do it he didn't want to hurt her. (soo i had to be the bad one)
i am not sure when i new some thing was nto right i don't think i ever realy did feel something wasn't right i thought this was what all mums must feel. i didn't realy play with ehr or kiss her she was there like she was my job. (i feel realy bad for saying this as it brings a lot of memories back.)
i know i only thing of the bad times now but there was good times she did sit on my knee and i did sing to her and she went to toddlers a few times a week with me. she was a verry social little girl and verry verry happy so i must have done some thing right. but the bond was never there.
at 4 months also we went for what i thought was a routine scan of charlottes hart as doc thought she had a mummer. i went on my own as i always did for hospital appointments we couldn't realy afford for martyn to have off. after a verry long appointment we were told all was well until i said some thing to a nurse abotu her going blue they then wanted us to go back in.
they told us they found two hart defects and she will need open hart surgery but as it is a tricky surgery they would have to Waite till she was bigger.
i was hart broken i went home on the train in floods of tires i had carried charlotte in a sling and i held her close and kissed her head
i had rang my mum and dad and martyn and they came to meet me at the train station i sobbed on martyn shoulder. martyn allso cried whilst holding her.
a few months later we went in to Leeds with her for an small operations to run die round her hart. that went ok.
me and martyns relationship was still nto right he was still sneekly looking at porn. i found out when i went on the computer and found wat he had been looking at. we fell out and didn't speak. then we got id of the Internet.
it came to a time were the ng tube was coming out so much charlotte had realy bad reflux as well and would be so so sick all the time. so again we went for surgery this time to put a tube strait in to her stomach a gastrostomy tube. and she had an operation to close up the flap in her through so food could go down and not up... we found a house to buy and started that processes. martyn didn't lift a finger so i had to do everything. ringing around everyone. as well as looking after charlotte. we went on our first and only holiday with charlotte the week we moved. it was lovely me and martyn was not speaking yet again through most of it. and again me not taking much intrest in charlotte.
when we got home i badly decided we could get the Internet again. well as you can imagen i came down stars one day martyn was washing up in the kitchen. charlotte was playing on the floor. and there was link to picture of a young woman he had been taking to her naked spread
egeled. i was so bad i saw red i pulled the scream off the table and smashed it on the floor in front of charlotte. this is one of the last memories i have of her crying little face and me the big bad mummy seeing her so much by smashing the screne in front of her.....
that was the Turing point for me and martyn he new this was it change or were done. a week or two later me martyn and charlotte were ill and because of charlotte disabilities she would get ill a lot worse than other children.. my mum and dad persuade us to go out for tea charlotte was in a bay grow and my mum says her breathing is crackly and she should realy go up to the hospital for a nebulizer for her asthma. i though my mum may have been over reacting as we were all ill and poor charlotte was like this a lot.
we got the the hospital at abotu 7.30 poor love she so wasn't well. there was no bed in the hospital so they said we would need to be transferred. they sent us down to get her chest xray and we was not told anything ells.
martyn went home and i waited to be transferred with her. it was Nealy midnight and she had been started on antibiotics through iv and a nebulizer for a chest infection.
when we got to wakefield hospital.
the doctor told me charlotte had pneumonia. i was realy upset they had nto told me in huddersfield.
i rang martyn and he sai dhe would be over first thing in the morning.
thy told me it may be better to sleep in the bed with charlotte to keep her company. i thought this was strange. there was a little baby in the next room in an oxygen tank and i heard the doctor say that little one isn't doing too well.. little did i know he was on about my little girl.
neither of us could get comfy in the bed. so i got on the put me up next to her. i had no sleep so when martyn came in the morning i lade down whilst he read a paper (this was normal to us as she was in and out regular) the doctor came and said she was on high oxygen and he wanted to take a blood gas test thing. the first one didn't realy say much.
they did another one a little later and the bad news came saying there was hardly anyoxigen in her system. and the pneumonia was getting worse. a decision was made to put her on a ventilate to help her fight of this pneumonia. and ones that was made people started walking about and going to get (the room ready) then the nurses came to take her to (the room) they plugged her on the oxygen canisters and we gave her a kiss and sat abotu waiting. we had been told that she would need ot be transferred to go to a intensive care ward some were. after a while we new my mum dad and mother in law was on there way.
then the doctor came in and said something like her hart is struggle ling so we are giving a massage (ok i was thinking nice) would you like to come in and give her a kiss. (at this point i was numb) i started walking down the corridor towards the room. and them my legs went i realised what they meant my baby was dieing..........
when we went to the room a woman was at the top of her head pumping air in the her. and a man was compressing her stomach. no one looked at us as we stepped buy them to give our girl a kiss on the head. (i told them to do all they could) we rang our parents telling them to come quick and that she was dieing. the next second they were there shouting were is she were is she. and we said in the (the room) we were taken back to the bedroom were we had spent the night and minutes later the doctor came in and said. i am so sorry we did all we could but her hart could nto take it and she was dead.....
everyone was crying except me i couldn't cry i didn't know how to i just thought how siriel was this. it is like some thing out of a tv program.
they then took us to see her i didn't want o see or hold her i was so scared (i am nto sure what off she wouldn't hurt me) but i forced my self to go in the room she was in a nurses arms she still had the ventilator tube in her mouth but we got to hold her. i was still numb i didn't cry everyone ells was. we all went out side and rang people who we needed to i told people in a calm way and then said i am sorry when they cried. i was in shock.
but it never seem to go away. i wanted to leave the hospital strait away. now i just wanted to run away. we put her pram and clothes in my dads boot my mum talked to a doctor who told her there was no need for an autopsy. i didn't care i wanted to go now....
when we went home i was just staring out of the window with rain dripping on my face not talking to anyone. thinking this morning i was a mum now i am not..
we went to my mother in laws and loads of family came there i sat in the middle of the floor whilst people cried and tried to talk to me.. when we got back to my mums (i didn't want to go home) my dad and martyn got so drunk they went to sleep strait away i sat down stairs alone till i could take no more i went to get my mum. and we walked and walked holding hands and talking through the streets. i felt safe holding my mums hand i wanted to be a child again. things couldn't hurt so much when you were a child.. the day of the funeral was my mums birthday. poor mum i sat through the funeral not crying and at the cemetery nto crying too. we went for a little walk that night the christmas lights were going up in the vilige it was the first of december. i then realised charlotte had the christmass pressants in the coupbord.. i felt sick but kept on....
i am going to have to stop now as i can nto bear to right anymore i will try and spell cheack this but i am not sure i can see anough i hope it posts as i know it is long...