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Post by michelle1985 on Aug 11, 2008 20:32:56 GMT
i just need to wright :{ i am so so scared. today i had a hospital appointment with my consultant and a scan, baby was fine b ut i asked my mum to come with me. as i have been in so much pain recently. i have realy bad spd and my sciatic nerve hurts so much. i am on 120mg of amitriptyline and it also works as a pain killer. i also have codeine and paracetamol to take for pain killers. nothing has been working recently. so i am on crutches and my mum is saying to me i should ask to be induced (my mind head was saying this would be a good idea as i can hardly walk but my head was saying no no no no i am not ready for this child)) i had already discussed induction with my consultant, but we were going to do it on the 1st of sept as i am due on the 4th. but when i whent in a felt brave so i admitted how much pain i was in and my mum (wouldn't shut up) backed me up. and the consultant said oh we will give you a stretch and sweep now wtf so she did this and has booked me in for an induction for 22nd of aug 11days from now. at the time i felt ok about it even a bit existed, so i came home. i was booked on a walk round the hospital as i our maternity services has moved to a different hospital, so me and my husband went on the walk . i was hot any way, but i started to get out of breath and slowly started to panic. and now i am home i want to run away as fast as i can, i am not sure what single thing i am scared of i think it is everything. but to list a few, i am scared of been alone, i am scared of not wanting him when he is born, i am scared off not loving him, i am scared of not been abel to cope with two children, i am scared to go in the hospital, i am scared of them telling my husband to go home, i am scared i will end up having a section, i am scared i will have a panic attack in labour, i am scared of getting pp or post natal depression really bad again (all though i already have it bad again so not sure why i am having that fear) i am just so so scared i want to run as far away as i can. my legs are aking so much and i can think is i have dvt and i am going to die, which is so stupid but i do no it can happen. then when we were there they were talking about the re suss table and i nearly cried in front of everyone. they were saying that if they needed to they could incubate baby and put on a ventilator if needs be. it brought so many memories back from Charlotte dieing i just wanted to cry.. so can anyone help please i need as many ways to deal with anxiety and panic please i hope some one reads this xxxxxxxxxxxxxx michelle xx
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Post by michelle1985 on Aug 13, 2008 5:05:17 GMT
well i have been having pains all day yesterday and i am sure i had a show yesterday morning. i am so scared now. i have not slept well at all hence why am awake at this time in the night. i have been tossing and turning all night and my back is aking so so much. not sure what is going on. i feel like i am going mad. when i woke it felt like everything in my ind was in slow moshen like the fan and the telly and noises out side they all felt like they were going slow. i had this as a child too when i was ill or tired. and even at such a young age i thought i was going mad. i am coocu i am not sure it is normal or not as i never told anyone about it. as i though i was schizophrenic or some thing. but in eynsite it may just be that my brain has not woken up properly. but i hav wound my self up now so i have asked martyn to come back form work (he has only just got there bless him) and now i feel guilty but i don't feel like i should be on my own at th momn't. michelle
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Post by winegirl on Aug 13, 2008 7:35:49 GMT
Hi Michelle
Try not to analyse how you are feeling too much and try to accept. I know that is easier said than done. You are bound to feel the way you do right now, anyone one would, and you are not mad. Your body is just reacting to your anxiety.
You will do this and you know how to do this. This little baby will bring you so much love and joy, and if you feel the PNI return (and thats an if) you know exactly what to look out for and how to deal with it.
You are on high emotions right now and need to relax as much as you can. How are you feeling this morning hun? Will be about on and off today if you need a chat x
Take Care
WG xx
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Post by michelle1985 on Aug 14, 2008 16:30:20 GMT
well martyn ended up staying at home for the rest of the week. i was so upset last night i just felt lost in a world of darkness with no way out. this morning i do feel a little more positive, i had a dream were all my family we were abroad. and was heavily pregnant and my sister came in with a baby boy, he was so small and beautiful and i took him of her and held him in my arms and he was looking up at me and i took him over to emily, she smiled and i smiled and it was realy sweet. i want to hold on the this dream and be happy. today has been ok we took emily to a soft play for dina and then went to bnq for paint and things for both there bedrooms. i have been feeling ok but i have been feeling a little out of it. not sure if this is a good thing or bad. i think the doctor hopes for this to keep me at a level heading. but it some times makes me feel a bit panicked. i saw an old friend who i haven't seen in Nealy three years with one of her children i looked after when he was a baby. all of a sudden i felt a little panicked abotu life moving so fast. and i felt like i would forget seeing them in 5 minutes. it is a verry strange feeling i am forgetting everything right now. not sure it is pregnancy related of due to the panic and depression. michelle
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Post by michelle1985 on Aug 14, 2008 20:06:45 GMT
i need a bloody good talking to. i thought i was ok today but i have got my self in to a tiss agian. i keep worrying because i am not attached to my baby in side me. how i feel is if my pregnancy disappeared in the morning i would not be bothered. my mum said she felt the same when she was pregnant with me as she wanted two children and she had the coil fitted and she found out she was pregnant at a few months gone. but she said when she went in hospital for a week before having me and saw all them newborns she was existed. and that was that. but i don't feel it will be like that for me. i am trying so hard in fact tomorrow i want to paint his room just me to do some thing for my son. i am desperate to love him. i realy realy am it hurts so much to think that i am bringing a venerable baby in to the world and i can not even love him. i feel sick with guilt of having no feelings, i want to love him so much. maybe i am trying too hard i have no idea. i just can not see it changing. i hope it does i realy realy do. i am a terrible person and a terrible mum. with Charlotte i did not have the time to love her and be happy been a mum, i was mrs short the lady doctors talked to about my ILL CHILD who in my head was not ill she just had some problems YEAH RIGHT NOT ILL I SHOULD HAVE KNOW but i didn't i was too blind to see she was going to die. emily i loved from the minute go and i have enjoyed her so so much been a mum is a happy time. and now it is like my body has packed up and my mind is been taken with it.. i hate it i feel nothing. cold hot rain snow nothing!! and i want to love him i realy realy do. but my mind doesn't seem to want to let me.
i am so sorry to you ladies i have only just found you and i feel like i am putting on you so so much. i don't mean to be. i have always been there for my friends and now i feel i am not strong enough to be there for anyone any more. i just don't know what to do anymore. michelle
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Post by winegirl on Aug 14, 2008 20:18:50 GMT
Hi Michelle
I have replied in your other thread x
WG xx
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Post by michelle1985 on Aug 16, 2008 17:48:01 GMT
i have felt ok today. i have tried to just think "i do not know what is going to happen after joseph is born so there is no point on dwelling on a thought" this has worked a little today but it is a hard thing to do when your head is not your own. we went to macro in leeds and ikea too and spent a fortune on furnicher. we won some money through martyns driving school who taught him to drive, £1000 which is fab and such a lot of money when we tend to never have any so we have brought things we would not have been able to afford other wise. but i think i have done a little too much today. as just got emily in her high chair to have tea and because she would not open her mouth i cried like a baby and had to come in the living room to sit down. still have not painted nursery yet but i will do it at some point. as i want to do it for him form me. michelle
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Post by michelle1985 on Aug 17, 2008 20:17:14 GMT
i just wrote out a huge post and whent to post it and it deleted so i am so pi&&t of. today as been much the same i fetl ok when i got up we chilled till dna time emily is a little off couler and got a wee temp. so at half 3 we whent round to my sisters house fr a bbq when i got there i got the feeling i did not want to stay like i wanted to run away. i fourt it and stayed but everytime some one spoke about the baby coming i just wanted to sceam out i don't bloody want it. and now i feel so guilty this baby deserves a mum like i am to emily. i am so scared i will not love him when he comes. like to love him i have to stop loving emily as much!! it is ruining my life. i am so scared for friday. i thought baby was on his way this morning but the pain stopped. it is back again tonight so i don't know what is going on. but i am so terrifide the anxiaty is at an all time high. i know a lot of the fears are normal to a mum who is about to have two children but because of my pni it is even worse. and i don't feel i can live liek this for much longer. i love my lttle girl so much and i do like been a mum i just hope beond hope that i will feel the same for him when he comes. i want to feel normal again. like i am hear. and can look forwards to the rest of my life. the way i am at the mo when i think for the future i get so deppressed and upset i don't want to be in it. i am just feeling so beat right now like i will never be well again. michelle
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Post by michelle1985 on Aug 18, 2008 19:30:17 GMT
Right now every time anyone talks about the baby coming i want to walk out of the room, i am so scared i think i am trying to forget he is coming. and i have felt so cross and upset this week. It seems like for no reason but i just feel all wound up in side. i had a realy bad few days at the end of last week so i begged martyn to stay off, witch he did but then i felt much worse and did nto feel like i wanted to go out of wake up or do anything but forget i am hear. he went back to work today and when i woke up i felt good i new i had to get emily up clean dressed and fed so i just got on with it, and had a good morning i went to the nct baby group with my friend and it was ok. I had a hold of one of the ladies little boys and for a wee second i let my self feel a little bit existed. but when i got home a new cpn was coming to visit at 1 but she came and she brought a man with her it was so hard to talk and i could not seem to get out what it was i wanted to say.
when i did tell her how i felt they were both nodding there heads like bloody nodding dogs, and saying to me you have to stop your self thinking about pni or the baby coming Friday if it was that easy i would do it all the time. I KNOW MY PROBLEMS IS ALL TO DO WITH ME THINKING TOO MUCH AND READING TOO MUCH IN TO EVERYTHING if it was as easy as that i would have done it ages ago
so that was as much good as a chocolate fireguard. then this evening i had been a feeling a little funny i think i was just a bit over tired. but emily came up behind me and wake i felt like my head was caving in, she hit me with my mobile phone swinging it in the air. i just screamed at her! i then felt the worst mum in the world she cried and then i sat and balled my eyes out for about 30 mins (she had stopped after about 3 seconds and was playing with some thing ells, i just couldn't seem to stop crying. then all i could think about was emily been better off with out me. my thoughts really scary me some times.
i just don't seem to know what to do anymore.
michelle
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Post by winegirl on Aug 18, 2008 20:05:48 GMT
Hi Michelle
You are under so much stress emotionally right now and wish I could some how give your head a break...
Dont feel bad about shouting at Emily. I remember when my LO did things like smack me on the nse with her toys or slap me in temper and went ballistic at her! I always felt terrible immediately after like the worse mum ever. Then it gradually dawned on me that all mums lose it with their kids at times, and they son get over it!
Hang in there hun, we are all here for you xx
WG xx
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Post by michelle1985 on Aug 18, 2008 21:12:55 GMT
thank you so much wg.. i a trying so hard to change and challenge my thought pattern as i know i need to just relax and accept that things are going ot happen and things are going to change and i will change with them and go though it. but it is so hard right now. i hope to be posting on hear next week that all is ok hard (i know it will not be the easiest thing in the world) but ok i hope. michelle
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Post by winegirl on Aug 19, 2008 8:07:35 GMT
Hi Hun
How are you feeling this morning? Did you manage to get any relaxing time last night??
WG xx
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Post by michelle1985 on Aug 19, 2008 20:32:42 GMT
well when i got up today i felt fine. my freind picked me up at 9 and we whent to toddlers, after a few of us whent in to town for some dinna. so i got home at 2.30 and martyn was home so all was fine i had a nap and when i woke up i felt funny all over again. whitch is so disapointing after a good day. i keep thinking about the fuiture and getitng so scared all the time thinking like this. like i don't want to move or anything to change it is all going too too fast for me. my thoughts scare me a lot. i have three days an i am just wishing it will all go away when baby comes. michelle
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Post by winegirl on Aug 19, 2008 20:37:04 GMT
Hi Michelle
The fact that you can have a good time for most of the day shows you have all these good times to come home. I often find that I am worse after having a nap or waking up after at the wrong time in the morning. I think many do...
Hang on to the fact that you could feel so much better after the birth hun. x
WG xx
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Post by michelle1985 on Aug 21, 2008 14:30:46 GMT
omg omg omg i am having a baby tomorrow. i don't no weather to laough or cry i can not keep still i keep getting so exsited then i feel full of dread............... wish me look and i hope charlotte is watching over me tonight to keep me sain for the long day ahead of me..... michelle xxxx
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