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Post by cheshire on Aug 21, 2008 14:42:33 GMT
Exciting!!!!! Good luck and let us know how you get on! xx
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Post by winegirl on Aug 21, 2008 15:08:48 GMT
You will do GREAT babes. All the best for you and your new addition and we will be thinking of you xx
Lots of love
WG xx
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Post by michelle1985 on Aug 25, 2008 21:06:46 GMT
josephs birth well i have to start some were. so i will start at 7am on the 22of aug. i got up after tossing and turning all morning, martyn sat up with me whilst i rang the hospital to see if there was a bed for my induction. they said to come in for 9, i was so so nervous. we went and picked my mum up and set of to the hospital. they showed me strait to a bed (they were quite at the time) and the midwife came to talk to me, i explained my anxiety to her and she assured me my husband or mum would not be sent home. so she examined me and said "i could brake your waters but i think we will try to pessary (i did not know i was aloud to have it due to my c/s) so she gave me a pessary and a stretch and sweep. so we had to Waite 6 hours for her to do anything ells. i was having little contraction an hour later. we walked around the hospital. i was so Bord lol so we read all the magazines we had. anyway that mw was going off shift so she said another mw would come to me well cue an hour later some one came to move me in to another room. she said she would put me on the moniter and then brake my waters. but she never came back so i was waiting round for ages. and then she came back and said they have just got really dizzy so they will brake my waters when there is a free birth room. i felt like crying at this point. i was so scared and was tired too. so when some one came and said i could move to a birth room i could have kissed her. but again the mw went of shift and i was introduced to some one ells. at 8 she came in and said i will put you on the moniter before braking your waters i said "no the last woman said that and didn't come back to me" so i was put on the monitor for a while and then she did come back to me and finally did get my waters broken at 9 o'clock. contractions intensified quite quickly and i was soon sucking on the gas and air.i had asked for an epidural and at 11 they came in to do it and to put a cannula in for the syntosis to get my labour on.they had to keep trying to put in the epidural and left me with a large bruise on the triple site that went higher until she finally managed to get it in and working.there were a couple of strange hours where i wasn't even aware what was going on, then at 1.30am my diaphragm had gone numb due to the high epidural and was turned down.at 2am i was given an internal and had a scalp monitor put on him as he had moved down too low for the belly monitors to work effectively and they regrettably informed me that i wasn't in active labour yet (although it bloody well felt it to me!!) about 10 minutes later the contractions felt like they were burning a hole in me. It was the worse pain i have ever been in. the midwife looked a bit like "it can't hurt you this much" and told me to suck on my gas lol but it was not getting better but worse omg it hurt so much. she then said well i will just check you and turn your epidural back up. I got a bit nasty then and told her to put it up now i need it up now stop this pain. my mum said michelle he will be in your arms in a bit i said "I DON'T BLOODY CARE I WANT TO GO HOME" and my mum and the midwife looked at one another and then she put the big light on my bits then next minute she was shouting out the room for the baby things and telling me to push. I didn't want to push it hurt so so much but when i finely listened to her the pain eased when i pushed so i pushed his head out in one push, it stung so so much. and she told me on my next pain to push his body out, sod this i though and just pushed anyway. so he was born at 3am just 1 hour from been told i was not in established labour lol. they took him away to the re-suss table just to get him a little better he got a 7 on his first apgar score. when they brought him back to lay him on me i was in shock but i looked at him he was beautiful. i uncovered his for a better look and i saw he had the same toe deformity as my first little girl, and my hart sank i am embarrassed to say this but i asked my mum and martyn to take him away form me. in one second all i could think was i can not gave my hart to a child who will just die like my first did. i am happy to say that my husband and mum refused and i kept hold of him. i put him to the breast Nealy strait away and he latched on realy well. and in that second i loved him so much and it didn't matter about his toe's or if he has or hasn't got the syndrome Charlotte died with.
the mw kept there promises and did not said mum or martyn home martyn went to sleep on the the chair and my mum settled down on another i layed on the bed and all the little one wanted was boobies and lots of it. my mum did take him for a hug to see if i could go to sleep but no no joy as he wanted me. oh well i didnt mind.
my mum went home when my dad came for her (she flew abroad at 9pm the same night) and me and martyn talked a little about what we may be facing. we are both upset but feel positive he will be ok. before leaving the hospital we sore the head peed and he told us he is going to arrange for hart kidney and bladder scans and to see a plastic surgeon so we will just Wait and see for now. Joseph is so so beautiful.
when we introduced him to his sister she was giggling so much and so existed at the new baby. she has been like that since meeting him and we are so so pleased.
so that is my story hope your not all asleep now.
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Post by michelle1985 on Aug 25, 2008 21:09:38 GMT
this is what i wrote in my anti natel club so though i would post it hear too but add a bit more, whilst in hospital i was so so scared, and now all i can think is if he has the same as my first little girl i am scared he will die too. I'm trying to think possitive. I have felt normal at home i did feel a bit funny last night but i got a bit too hot so it started making me feel anxious about panicking. i do love jospeh so so much and emily is been fab too but the fear of hurting them still exsists i think it will be a while before it settleds down as my hormoans will be all over the shop. michelle xxxxx
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Post by winegirl on Aug 26, 2008 8:05:23 GMT
Hi Michelle xx
Baby Joseph - a beautiful name xx
I knew you would love him so much... Everything turns out right in the end you know..
Love to you and your family xx
WG x
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Post by bean on Aug 26, 2008 8:27:22 GMT
Hi Michelle Congratulations - you did great by the sounds of it, sending you lots of loving thoughts. By the way if Baby Joseph is anything like my Joseph he will soon be running rings around you all lolxxx Love bean xx
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Post by michelle1985 on Sept 8, 2008 20:18:08 GMT
grrrrrrrrr i posted a long post the otherday and it hasn't showed up. were now home today and joseph is doing good. a few old fears and thoughts have crepped in already like when i am winding him i think i am going to strangle him or some thing so i put him down. i had a coffee in my hand and i thought i was going to drop it on him so i left he room. i know thease bad thoughts are part of pni but they can be so so scarey. i will update more later. michelle
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Post by cheshire on Sept 10, 2008 12:55:55 GMT
Hi Michelle,
It's annoying when that happens isn't it??!
How are you today, the thoughts? Hx
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Post by michelle1985 on Sept 11, 2008 22:03:01 GMT
i have had a very god day today but so so tired. joseph is losing wate so i am worried sick and my milk supply is so low, so now i have to pump and feed to try and get it up and flowing. so bizy bizy bizy. michelle
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Post by winegirl on Sept 12, 2008 8:14:57 GMT
Hi Michelle
Awww hun. Have you considered formula if necessary? My LO lost weight on breat milk so I switched to formula, and not only did she put weight on, she loved the milk! (and it meant daddy could feed her at 3 in the morning too...)
How you doing today babes??
WG x
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Post by michelle1985 on Oct 4, 2008 20:12:13 GMT
hello all i'm realy sorry i haven updated in a while. I feel verry strange, i feel verry well and mostly feel like i am back to normal but i know i am not. i haven't been on in a while because i get a feeling like this is the old me and if i come back i will get the bug again. i know this is not the case and i know that i am no were near better fully. I still get negative thoughts when we were in hospital i kept been scared that i would through my self or joseph out of the window it got bad but i managed to tell my self it was a unhelpful thought. I got a lot more i didn't pick him up because i kept thinking i would through him on the floor or pour coffee on his head or shake him to death. it makes me cry thinking of it but it is a fear of doing it and not me wanting to do it if you know what i mean. he has been a sick little boy he now has a hip brace on (last 3 weeks) he should have it taken off on tuesday he has finely started to put on weight he is 6 weeks old today and weighs 6lb 12oz so i am pleased i am still managing to breast feed all though he is having a formula bottle on a night. I am still on my medication and dont feel any were near coming of it i am 120mg of amitriptyline and it is making me feel ok. i have had a weird feeling today i looked at joseph today and i got the dreaded feeling that he wasn't right and i got scared and wanted to leave. this not right feeling was weired it was like i wanted to run away because i had made him not right, he has deformed toes and when i am feeling ok it doesn't bother me at all but i just get the dreaded feeling (i am thinking it was to do with charlotte and her dieing like i made her and i didn't do my job right this is why my children are not born right) i no i need to realy get my self strait. i have finely had my psychologist appointment through i think it is for the cbt it is in dec so i am feeling positive about that. i am still seeing my cpn (she is lovely and is like a friend) but i am not sure if been friends will interfere with me needing to tell her how i feel if you know what i mean. emily is doing fab been a big sister a little monster though. I think i am doing well with two it is verry hard and at the moment i am getting no time for my self but this is the sacrifice i have made to have children. i hope my pnd/pni does not come back (get worse as i know i still have it) i am even thinking of the future again and i haven't been abel to think of anything past today for a while. i still feel strange when songs come on my triggers can be songs and the next thing i know i am depressed of panicking about growing old or dieing i am not sure what i am more scared of living or dieing as i hate having to fight so hard to just live everyday. i am owed i think some happy times to come i am only young but feel like i am 50 so it is hard for me to think of having to live life for so much longer. gosh i am sorr you can tell i haven been on in weeks as i have just rambeled on.. thank you for reading though. it so so helps just to get your thoughts and feeling down and it is a big bonus for people to reply and understand and feel my pain and feel scared like i have been.... love michelle
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Post by tabbysmum on Oct 4, 2008 21:40:14 GMT
Hi Michelle,
I can so relate to everything you've said. songs trigger me too, well anything and everything can if I'm honest. I too had the thoughts about strangling but these have now gone the window one is is very infrequent now as well, and feeling weird is scary because you start analysing what it means and before you know it you've managed to concoct some reason behind it and you're off panicking again. I've had these thoughts and feelings for over a year now and I'm not on any meds but I'm so much better than I was. I couldn't be on my own with my LO for a long time but most of the time for me things are normal now, still fighting one or two demons but i'm getting there and you will too, just keep telling yourself, it's anxiety that's causing all this, and anxiety can't hurt you.
take care hun
Love TM x
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Post by michelle1985 on Oct 20, 2008 21:10:35 GMT
having a hard day today. i keep telling my self it is just one of the hard days all perants feel but i can't help but feel i am going backwards. this morning i woke up i was so tired and a little impatient, i felt like i raised my voice at everything emily was doing. and everything wound me up. i was so tired. then i went to the cafe in the village with my mum and sister and i had some lunch. that was good and i went back home and was a bit wound up again. i do think it was mostly tiredness. but when hubby got home i said i was going in the bath he said oh (wasn't verry happy ) but i wanted to bite his head off. i had a lovely bath but after felt no better. kids fell asleep for a bit on the sofer. then we went to the halloween party at my rainbow group it was nice. but after emily went to bed and i was up in bed with joseph i found my self getting wound up. and feeling cross and fed up with joseph crying
this made me feel realy sad as i don't want to get wound up all the time and i do not want to be the person i ones was. i was such an angry person when i had pnd with charlotte i also got violent with martyn (never the children) and now sat hear in bed with the laptop on my knee i feel all down like i am slipping again in the the depth of pnd. i know it is silly to think this way after one day. but i am scared one day will be all it takes to get me in the that dark whole again. i have felt ok for 8weeks now since joseph was born, and today i just feel beet again. please some one tell me i can have these bad days now and then with out going backwards please tell em i will be ok. michelle xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Post by winegirl on Oct 21, 2008 9:36:46 GMT
Hi Michelle
You know its just a blip. We all have them and we all panic when we do that we are going backwards again. But it really is just a blip. Try to forget yesterday and move on to today.
It was a bad day, it will pass - hang in there xx
WG x
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Post by michelle1985 on Oct 21, 2008 19:47:12 GMT
thank you love for replying hun. today has been better but have thought about yesterday a lot it is like i am getting pulled in. but i have to put it behind me like you said yesterday was yesterday. michelle xxx
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