Shells battle with self harm

[michelle79]

Oct 13, 2008 15:44:12 GMT @winegirl said:

You could do with finding a reason to get out of the house for a bit tonight. Anyone you can ring to go for a couple of drinks/cinema or something??

I did get out of the house - back to a & e as cut my arm badly. More stitches. They talked about west park but i said i didnt want to go back there so they left it at that. Liason Psychiatry are ringing me with appointment to see them tomorrow so that'll be fun.
Just feel so depressed and down. I just cant see the point in life anymore. I really wish i wasnt here. I want to be free form all this crap and all this pain. I want jack to grow up and not have me to be embarrassed and ashamed at.

[winegirl]

((())) Huges hugs baby...

What is west park? Is it a pschiatric ward? Would you not consider going for a wee while??

I am so sorry hun, I was really hoping you wouldnt cut last night but I guess I kind of knew you would which is why i suggested getting out for a bit.

Here for you mate xx

WG x

[monica]

Hi

How are you today? Is your arm sore?

There is nothing wrong with having a good cry - it is good to get all that frustration, fear, anger etc out - bottling it all up is not good as you get to the point where you feel like exploding. You don't deserve to feel this way at all.

As WG said maybe a spell at West Park would be good. you need lots of support at the minute as you really are suffering andit is going on for a while - it's for you and Jack., He loves you and needs you so much. You notbeing here would have much worse consequences for Jack than anything else.

is WEst park the place you went to before? Did it help? Do have a serious think.

Love

Monica

[michelle79]

Yep West Park is the Psych Hospital that I was in before and too be honest I dont see the point in going there as all they do is keep you safe and you dont really get chance to deal with things whilst in there which meand once I am home I am back to aquare one and having to deal with everything again. You can talk to the staff and the psychiatrist comes round once or twice a week but thats about it.

Supposed to have been going to the drop in centre today all day today but just cant face going out of the house and seeing people. Took me til now to drag myself out of bed. I keep thinking of doing bad things all the time.

Shell

[winegirl]

But maybe if you went there for a while and was safe for a while.. Might help you think clearly for a bit and you know you wont be hurt while you are there... I would really think about it mate - you need this for yourself

[michelle79]

Yeah I know but it will put me further with Jack and I dont want to be back there. Already been there 3 times over past 2 years. I want to try and get through this on my own.

[winegirl]

I see your point. But look at it this way. At the moment you cant do it on your own, and every time you end up in a&e having stitches is a step away from jack. Its just putting you further away every time you hurt yourself. If you agree to go to west park to get better you are showing great strength and determination in wanting to get better, and your recovery will be much quicker than carrying on as things are... I think in the bigger picture west park would get you back to Jack quicker...

[michelle79]

Yeah maybe you are right. I will see what liason psych say today and decide what to do.

[winegirl]

Let us know babes. Thinking of you xx

[bam02]

I do think you should consider the options put to you... At the moment it does seem to be you go round in circles and WG has a very good point that visits to A&E are not helping you something more is needed.

[littlelotty]

Hi Shell

I agree with WG in that every time you end up in a and e you are getting further away from jack and you need to deal with the problems that are making you cut in order to have a future with Jack. If that means a spell at West Park to get you better and they give you a great discharge care plan then then will surely be better for you than the place you are in at the moment, if things continue you could end up seriously harming yourself or cutting so badly and that is not going to help you at all.

thinking of you and sending you massive hugs

take care

Littlelotty
xx

[michelle79]

so annoyed - not had a call fom cpn or liason psychiatry. They just dont care. They must be sick of me and dont want to talk to me.
Feeling so bad today with anxiety. rally hving to try and calm myslef down and try to concentrate on my breathing. Feel like my hart is going to stop working.

Shell

[winegirl]

Didtraction distraction. Its the only thing I have ever find works for that sort of anxiety... You got much to keep yourself busy? Do you think you could chase CPN up??

[michelle79]

still not heard from anyone and couldnt face ringing them myself. Struggling with this anxiety so much. Its not getting any easier. Just a constant fear of dread and constantly fighting to breathe properly and feeling so sick and dizzy and tired. Keep trying to distract myself with books and tv and pc but nothings helping. Not been out again today apart from half hour where i had to get my medication then came straight home. Cant face going anywhere or seeing anyone. Last time i went out was saturday. Keep thinking so much about suicide and i really want to go ahead with it and end this misery. Thnking about so much and planning it in my head is making me more anxious. I just cant think straight though at the moment.

[bean]

Shell, please, please ring someone - your mum, hospital, anyone - you need help darl.
If there was anyway i could help i would but you need someone with you - please Shell, im so worried about you i want you to be ok.
luv bean x