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Post by winegirl on Oct 11, 2008 7:51:07 GMT
Hi Shell
Yeah have been wondering how you are?? You ok? Give us a holla when you get 5.
Thinking about you xx
WG x
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michelle79
Senior Member
mummy to Jack born 2004 and had pni since his birth
Posts: 471
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Post by michelle79 on Oct 11, 2008 19:13:03 GMT
Hi
Still crying so much and felt so stupid and embarrassed yesterday coz i went to see cpn and as soon as she asked if i was ok I bursy into tears and told her how much i was missing jack and how much its hurting me and that im struggling to deal with all thats happened and that unknown future too. We talked for ages about it all and she was good but still feel liek i shouldnt have cried in front of her. Up until last week i hadnt cried in months as meds numb me but at moment i get upset all the time. She thinks that i need to do more of it and let out my emotions that way but im not sure. I feel a failure when i cry and i feel like i shouldnt coz i deserve everything thats happened to me. I have so much anger and frustration in me. I sit here for hours in front of this pc looking for ways to kill myself by looking through websites and im scared that one day i will do it. I keep thinking i have to and that everyone deserves to get me out of their lives and it would stop me feeling so much hurt and pain. Until then i have to keep on s/h as its the only comfort i get. I feel so unhappy and so fed up and just cant see a way out
Shell
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Post by winegirl on Oct 11, 2008 19:57:54 GMT
Get off those sites Shell. It doesnt mean you will do it but it wil screw your head up even more if you keep reading these things!!
Sounds like you needed that with CPN. I find the meds numb me too then about once every 6 months I will just bawl my eyes out...
How you doing tonight?
WG x
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Post by littlelotty on Oct 11, 2008 23:07:33 GMT
Hi Shell
Have just read your diary from start to finish and cannot believe the lack of support you have had and i feel so bad for you to keep fighting and hoping that someone is going to listen and take control of your life.
I dont think i can say anymore that has been said. I have a crap CPN and i think the mental health system stinks! I have tried to take my life twice this year and trust me it makes everything seem worse and i know they prob feel they cant get any worse but think about everyone you will leave behind - your mum will never get over it for starters let alone everyone else including your son.
You need help and support and the right support - do you feel that a stay in the unit might help you get some control back as it sounds like you are trying so hard.
How have you been tonight??
Sending you biggest hugs ever
Littlelotty xx
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Post by winegirl on Oct 12, 2008 9:22:15 GMT
Hey Shell
You ok this morning?? Let us know how you are when you get 5. Thinking of you xxx
WG x
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michelle79
Senior Member
mummy to Jack born 2004 and had pni since his birth
Posts: 471
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Post by michelle79 on Oct 13, 2008 10:50:43 GMT
Feeling really bad at the moment. All i seem to do is cry and cut. Feel so full of hurt and longing and regret and guilt and tis too overwhelming. I dont deserve to be happy and have to keep punishing myself. I need to cut again really bad but a friend is coming to pick me up at 1.30pm and then my grandad is over so got to wit til about 7pm tonight and cant wait that long. Need to hurt myself now. So sick of everyone telling me not to think of jack and think of when i will see him and to be positive and look forward - thats just not helping. I cant help thinking of jack and i miss him so much and that pain is here now and i cant ignore it. None of them know what it is like to have your child taken from you so how can they understand. Theyb think they do but they dont.
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Post by winegirl on Oct 13, 2008 10:59:59 GMT
Hi Shell
I cant imagine. I know it would be my worst nightmare. All that you are left with is having to fight for him. Which at times seems like such a huge task that you dont think you have the strength.
You know if we can help we will??
WG xx
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michelle79
Senior Member
mummy to Jack born 2004 and had pni since his birth
Posts: 471
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Post by michelle79 on Oct 13, 2008 11:11:58 GMT
Thanks WG but i dont think anyone can help but me and thats hard sometimes as i cant even help myself sometimes. I need to learn how to deal with these thoughts about Jack and whats happened. I keep thinking of what happened the night i lost custody of him and was taken into hospital and im only starting to realize how serious things were that night and how muchmore worse they could have been if jack woke up and witnessed what was happening. I feel such guilt and shame over that and dont know if i will ever be able forgive myself. I have spent so long saying i dont want to see jack but now i know i do and how much i miss him but at the saem time im worried about being around jack too. Its something iw i'll overcome when it happens i suppose. I need to stop cutting. I cant carry on down this path. I want a better life but it seems that i am so tied to the s/h and cant vreak free. Wil i ever stop it???
Shell
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Post by bean on Oct 13, 2008 13:07:27 GMT
hi Shell Just want to send you loads of love and let you know Im thinking about you darl. Luv beany x
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Post by winegirl on Oct 13, 2008 15:13:00 GMT
I dont know what to say hun. I hate the fact that you are clearly not getting as much help as you should be. You should have full time monitoring as far as I am concerned until you are better, but the CPN obviously thinks otherwise...
I really want you to get better so you can have your son back..
Have you heard from the solicitor recently?
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michelle79
Senior Member
mummy to Jack born 2004 and had pni since his birth
Posts: 471
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Post by michelle79 on Oct 13, 2008 15:18:50 GMT
nope - been three weeks since i saw the solicitor and not heard anything from them yet. Thought I would have had an appt through for mediation by now but nothing yet. Its getting me so down because I feel like nothing is happening and as each week goes by its another precious week i have missed out on jacks life and will never get back. It gets me so frustrated and sad and angry and i hate it. Was in two minds whether to ring cpn today but i couldnt do it so struggled on my own. I get scared to pick up the phone and she prob would have been busy anyway and not had time to talk to me. I hate being on my own in all this. I really want to be better to have jack back too. Its gonna be a while and that scares me. Im so unhappy with everything and wish someone could make it better and wish i could get these thoughts of self harming out of my head. Why am i so intent on destroying myself.
Shell
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Post by winegirl on Oct 13, 2008 15:22:42 GMT
Chase these people up! The CPN, Solicitor, The Mediation person... ring them twice a day until they start to bloody do something! Honestly, I am the most annoying person in the world (guess you have already figured that out) and never stop till I get the desired result.
Doing something productive every day should help lift you too.
You doing anything tonight?? Any plans?
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michelle79
Senior Member
mummy to Jack born 2004 and had pni since his birth
Posts: 471
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Post by michelle79 on Oct 13, 2008 15:39:16 GMT
I am not very good at ringing people. I get so scared of picking up the phone and ringing people. Always struggled with it. I know i need to conquer my fear of ringing people. I will wait til end of week then ring the solicitor. No- not got any plans - on my own til tomorrow when i can finally get out of the house for a few hours. My life is so boring!!!!! It would be so much better if i had jack to look after and i would have some company too. Feeling very irritable and angry at the moment and my insides feel like they are going to explode. I need to try and calm myself.
Shell
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Post by winegirl on Oct 13, 2008 15:44:12 GMT
You could do with finding a reason to get out of the house for a bit tonight. Anyone you can ring to go for a couple of drinks/cinema or something??
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Post by littlelotty on Oct 13, 2008 16:58:54 GMT
Hi Shell I just cant believe the mental health team! I agree with WG - you should be having a lot more help than you are getting. Is there anyone that can act on your behalf and phone people up? ?? Littlelotty xx
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