Shells battle with self harm

[winegirl]

You about on line hun??

I remember how the anxiety sent me mad. Its awful. I would spend weeks in the house, and the idea of nipping to the shop for milk would freak me out...

Get yourself off to West Park mate. Even if they can jus give you some sedatives in there for a while to ease the anxiety it would be better than battling this home alone...

[monica]

Hi

Please please get in touch with someone and tell them how you are. Go to A&E, talk to your mum, friend, emergency dr. You need help right now.

Sending you huge hugs

Love

Monica

[monica]

Sorry meant to add I do know how hard it is to talk to anyone when you dont' really feel up to it,but you need the comfort of another person.

[winegirl]

Hey babes - you ok??

[michelle79]

saw psychiatrist this morning and for reasons i dont understand now i was so honest with her and told her that all week i have been planning to kill myself and that i have been buying paracetamol to do it and i sid this morning that i didnt have enough yet but then after the appointment i bought another 60 and now I have enough. She said do i want to be admitted and i said no but she said if i wanted to be or things got worse to ring her. Got home and got out all the pills and looked at them for about 2 hours then i called my friend and told her what i was going to do and she rang the psych for me and the psych rang my cpn. But another cpn rang me back (mine must be out) nad said they cant admit me as it has to be through crisis team and he is ringing for them to get in touch with me. Im so scared they wont admit me. If they dont i will definately take all the tablets tonight. I dont think i am safe on my own. Fingers crossed they will see how bad I am and do something about it. If I dont update then take it i have been admitted.

Shell

[winegirl]

Hi Michelle

Sent you a pm

WG x

[winegirl]

i mean it - the offer is genuine x

[littlelotty]

Hi Michelle

let us know how you are when you 5 mins. I took 24 paracetomol and trust me it is so not worth it. What i didnt realise is the effect it has on your body and it can take weeks to know the damage which you cant ever repair. Please ring someone or the crisis team, they need to be admitting you as it really seems out of control at the moment.

Let us know how you are,

thinking of you and sending you massive hugs

Littlelotty
xx

[winegirl]

Hoping that as you have not ben back on line the crisis team have been in touch?? Hope to hear from you soon xx

[michelle79]

well i feel as if i am hitting my head against a brick wall. Ive actually reached out and asked for help and they dont want to give it to me. They wont admit me because they say it wont help and if i really did want to kill myself i could just walk off the ward and do it anyway. They said they will stay in contact over next few days and are speaking with my cpn tomorrow but thats about it. They told me i have to ring them if i need them - tried telling them how much i am scared of ringing people. Dont know what to do now.

[winegirl]

Do you need any help with talking to these people Shell??

[michelle79]

Thanks WG but i dont think it would make a difference. Just got to get on with it and do the best i can.
My cpn cam e out at 10am to see me and then the crisis team have rang me and they ringing me again about 6ish and will come out again if i ned them too. Got their numbers incase i need them and crisis team gonna be involved over weekend but dont know how i am going to get through these next few days. I just feel like there is no end to all this but i suppose there is but ive just got to get there. Im so scared that Im on my own all the time. Not only am i battling not to kill myself but im battling with theurges to self harm. I want to get through this.

[winegirl]

Have they said any more about west park??

[monica]

Hi

Can you go and stay with your mum? Tell herhow you feel and how suicidal you are - you need someone else with you. Please keep talking to us. It is a battle but things will improve - keep that in mind if you can.

Love
Monica

[michelle79]

No they never said anymore about west park - they seem so against the idea. They think that I am better off at home with them visiting me whenever they can find the time. The crisis team were supposed to ring at 6 to see if i wanted them to come out and they never rang and i really need them to come out but its too late now. Just gonna have to try go to bed and wait til the morning and hope they ring me then. They did say ring them if needed them but i told them i cant ring people as have a phobia about ringing people. It scares me to death.
I havent even told my mam that i am feeling like this - she thinks everything is ok and i dont want to let her down by telling her that i am struggling and that i was about to kill myself and also my dad will be home for weekend so dont want to intrude on the only time they get together.
Been so close to getting the vodka out tonight but had to force myself not to as i know it will just tip me over the edge.
Wish i had been more open and honest with my cpn this morning but i was just too tired to talk and didnt know what to say. She kept on going on at me to get out of the house and start going back to the drop in and start seeing people again but i just cant do it. I cant face seeing people and going anywhere. I had to pay a bill in town yesterday after my psych appt and i was in a state of panic the whole time and literally ran home as i had to get back inside my house where i was safe. She cant understand that. Think shes worried i will become agrophobic again as i was 2 years ago and spent months in the house then i was in west park then when i came out had to have occupational therapy to get me out of the house. It worked eventually but was hard. I dont think i will get that bad this time but until i feel well enough i just dont want to go anywhere
I hope that i get to the other side of this soon. I cant cope with any of this and cant face things and just wish things were ok.

Shell