michelle79
Senior Member
mummy to Jack born 2004 and had pni since his birth
Posts: 471
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Post by michelle79 on Nov 3, 2008 9:44:51 GMT
Hi Bacvk is so much better WG thanks but chest still really bad and ended up in hospital on sat night with it  Feeling bit down today - its my friends little boys birthday today - he is same age as jack (2 fays older) and was jacks little best friend and he is having a party later and jack wont be there and i fel so sad because he has always been there and i miss all the things we did as a group. This time last year Jack had his party and all my friends and their kids were there and it was great but this year Im not even allowed to see Jack. Sorry waffling on. Just ignore me. 3 weeks without self harm - doing well!!! Got cpn coming soon so can have a good talk with her. Shell xxx |
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Post by bean on Nov 3, 2008 12:56:01 GMT
Hi Shell
It must be so hard for you right now, I cant imagine how you feel, you are doing so well with teh s/h though and you must remember WHY you're doing this.
Hope it goes well with cpn, dont forget to tell her your fears about s/h.
Let us know how you are later darl.
Luv & hugs bean x
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michelle79
Senior Member
mummy to Jack born 2004 and had pni since his birth
Posts: 471
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Post by michelle79 on Nov 3, 2008 19:31:59 GMT
Hi all
Saw my con today and we talked mainly about Jack and his birthday and the way Im feeling and about contact and solicitors etc. She read the letters I got from the solicitor with the copy of the letter from phils solicitor and we talked it over. She told me to ring up my solicitor because phil is saying that when i cut my wrist it was a suicide attepmt when it wasnt and she thinks he needs to know that. So need to be brave and ring him tomorrow.
Talked a little about the bad thing but i wasnt really up to saying anything and she said that she has told my psychologist about whats happened (i asked her to so that it was easier for me when i see her as then she already knows and i dont have to bring it up myself) but i didnt tell her i was worried the s/h would happen after seeing the psychologist. Im such an idiot and so stupid not to tell her. I did say Im dreading the appt with psych as i dont want to talk about things but i know i have to.
Went to friends lo's party and got upset - i knew i would - so i ended up spending ages in the kitchen washing pots and tidying up just to try and stay calm. God knows how i am going to get through wedsnesday. Its going to be an awful day.
Got my wine tonight - yay!!!!
Shell xxx
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Post by winegirl on Nov 3, 2008 20:59:34 GMT
Oh babes will be thinking of you on Wednesday...
You can do it. I know its hard but I know how strong you are and you will be fine xx
Wish I had my wine tonight. Purposely havent bought any this week to try and stop me drinking... climbing the bloody walls!!
WG xx
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michelle79
Senior Member
mummy to Jack born 2004 and had pni since his birth
Posts: 471
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Post by michelle79 on Nov 3, 2008 22:40:45 GMT
cant stop crying - just seen someones montage about them having pnd and even though it wasnt as bad for them as i have had it its gotten me so upset. I really hate the fact this illness has robbed me of 4 years of my sons life and counting! When will it end? I cant cope with this. i ahte the fact ive hated jack for so long and hurt him and been unable to cope with him. Its so unfair. I really wanted jack so much so why have i been punished so much for having him.
Shell xxx
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Post by winegirl on Nov 4, 2008 9:10:29 GMT
Oh sweetie sorry I wasnt aroud last night You ook this morning?? I know its easy for me to say, but try hard not to dwell on all that has gone worng and start looking at the things that are beginning to come right and the future you are fighting for. You have done so well, be proud of yourself!! WG xx Hugs (()) |
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Post by bean on Nov 4, 2008 11:10:34 GMT
Massive hugs shell, sent you pm.
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michelle79
Senior Member
mummy to Jack born 2004 and had pni since his birth
Posts: 471
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Post by michelle79 on Nov 4, 2008 20:49:03 GMT
I dont feel like i have the right to be pleased or proud of anything because of what ive done over past couple of years and the fact ive let jack down so much and hurt him. I should just stay in the gutter where i belong and face facts that i will never be well enough to ever have jack living with me and that i dont ever deserve him again anyway.
I really need to cut tonight. I cant hold it in any longer. I need to feel the pain.
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Post by winegirl on Nov 4, 2008 20:55:29 GMT
You can! And the reason that you should be proud is because you have been dumped on with this bastard stinking illness and you have spent the last 3 weeks of your life fighting it for a better future. One for you AND Jack. Many would have lost the battle, but you know that there is so much to win at the end!
You dont need to do this tonight, you need to talk to us or watch this crap football on ITV or something...
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michelle79
Senior Member
mummy to Jack born 2004 and had pni since his birth
Posts: 471
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Post by michelle79 on Nov 4, 2008 21:00:01 GMT
I hate myself and i hate this illness and i hate phil and i hate not seeing jack and i hate my crap life and i hate everything else and i just cant be bothered to fight anymore. Why bother. I am worthless and useless and such a failure and dont deserve to be happy.
If i wasnt a bad mum then jack wouldnt have been taken away from me. If i wasnt a bad wife then phil would have stayed with me. If i wasnt a bad friend then claire would still be supporting me. If i wasnt a bad daughter and sister my family would come and see me and help me. If i had been a good girlfriend to my ex then he wouldnt have raped me and beaten me and abused me. Im just such a bad bad person
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Post by winegirl on Nov 4, 2008 21:06:07 GMT
Thats where you are going wrong. You are putting blame on everything for yourself! Things happened the way they did with jack and phil because you were poorly. Is that your fault? Are you to blame? No, you are not.
People like your friend aren't supporting you because they clearly cant handle your illness. Your fault? No.
You were raped and abused because there are some morons in this world who shouldnt be and have no idea how to treat people, and are selfish and nasty. Your fault? No.
You have been dealt a hugely bad hand Shell, but its NOT YOUR FAULT. The impressive thing you are still here to tell the tale, and this will make you stronger. It doesnt feel like it tonight. But lets have this conversation next year and see how different things are.
Come on you, you know this is a shit illness, but there is light!!!
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Post by bean on Nov 4, 2008 21:12:22 GMT
Come on Shell you're NOT a bad person, you need to fight this tonight. Remember when we talked about how we felt about each other doing it? Reverse the roles, what would you say and feel if I told you I was going to cut. Remember the feeling? Come one darl we can fight this together, text me if you want, remember why youre doing this.
luv bean x
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michelle79
Senior Member
mummy to Jack born 2004 and had pni since his birth
Posts: 471
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Post by michelle79 on Nov 4, 2008 21:31:57 GMT
i feel like its all my fault - everyone seems to think its my fault and it has to be my fault. I am a bad person. I hate me and cant even bear to look at myself in the mirror coz i hate what is looking back at me. Im already damaged goods in lots of ways so why not just do what i do best and keep cutting. At least i can feel some other pain. Noone needs to know. Ive already let jack down so much so this one more time wont matter
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Post by winegirl on Nov 4, 2008 21:35:22 GMT
Yes it will, its a spiral that you wil start on. Its like an addiction like smoking. You go months without a fag and then cave to one and before you know it you are back on 10 a day (like me!). And if you keep it secret from everyone you are just kidding yourself.
Come on babes. I am sat here fighting my problem with booze to NOT have a drink so just put the bloody kettle on. Join me for a cup of tea and help me get through the night without wine instead!!
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michelle79
Senior Member
mummy to Jack born 2004 and had pni since his birth
Posts: 471
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Post by michelle79 on Nov 5, 2008 9:39:46 GMT
Got through the night without s/h. Dunno how!!!! Still have massive urge but i know i need to fight it.
Already bee in tears twiice this morning because it is Jacks birthday and i miss him so much and am so frustrated and upset that i cant even say happy birthday to him.
Courses at drop in have been cancelled so dont know what i am going to do with myself now and i was supposed to be going to my friends but hats not happening either. So much for planning the day so that i wasnt on my own.
Shell xxx
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