Shells battle with self harm

[Jay]

Hi Shell

I have just looked in to see how you are doing.
People here are still going to talk to you, and to be your friends.
And most of all we will carry on supporting you and give our strength to help you through all this.
Please be strong tonight, and take care of yourself.

It is hard to come back from a holiday. Holidays are like being removed from the real world. It sounded like you were managing and having a bit better time.

Having therapy is difficult, BUT it gets better. Talk to the therapist about things and how you feel and let them help you.
There are better times to come.

Take care and HUGS,
Jay xx

[winegirl]

Hi Shell

Sorry wasnt around last night. Are you ok?? I hope you are safe babes.

Whatever happened last night, I am really proud at how well you have been doing. Its awful when you come back to the real world after being abroad. I suffered a bout of depression 10 years ago and went on holiday abroad and decided to set up a new life over there. Unfortunately the job fell through at the last minute and i was horrified. It seemed to make sense to leave my life in the UK behind me and move forward with a fresh start. I struggled for months after being back here with all the same old stuff around me.

Yesterday was a bad dy for you. But please dont think that we dont care because we all love you and are here for you babes xxx

Thinking of you

WG xx

[cheshire]

Hi Shell,

How you doing today?
As WG says, don't worry about what happened last night if anything did. See today as a fresh start.

Thinking of you, Hopefulx

[michelle79]

ended up self harming badly yesterday and had to go to hospital Crisis team have been involved again and had to talk to them before i could go home and they have rang me this morning and coming to see me later. Then they ringing my cpn tomorrow - think they want to get my therapy stopped as its making me want to harm so much because i cant deal with it and i am getting myself so worked up about going back on monday and i cant get things out of my head. Stayed with my friend last night so i was safe but have to go home this afternoon and thats what worries me because i still want to harm so much. Why am i like this? I doint think i will ever be able to stop the self harm. I only go a few weeks then have to start again. Im not strong enough to fight it anymore. Im just a hopeless case and think everyone is just wasting their time trying to help me.

shell xxx

[bean]

Hi Shell
You are not a hopeless case at all, or wasting anyones time, it is their job and everyone on here is here by choice, I know it seems you're not strong enough, but you are. I think you need more support in between the therapy sessions, in order to deal with the aftermath of these, you need to tell therapist how it is leaving you.
Im really sorry i havent been very good at helping lately (as much use as chocolate fireguard), but you know where I am and if I can I will, same again, wish we lived closer.
I am thinking of you Shell, more than you know (Im going through similar things in my therapy at mo and struggling big time), I have new moby no. I will pm you (dont have your number anymore cause my phone died (was murdered by martha).
Just remember how well you can do and how brave you are for even getting in that therapy room.
Lots love and massive bear hugs (cant send anymore on facebook - had to deactivate my account - explain later).
Bean xxx

[michelle79]

what is wrong with these people???

crisis team supposed to come out yesterday evening - they didnt and they never rang but i had to ring them late on as was in a state and needed to talk to someone so spent half hour talking and then ended up cutting anyway

cpn was to be told this morning and that she was to ring me before i went to therapy - she didnt ring and when i saw her when i went for therapy she just said hi and carried on walking.

Feel like i am on my own with this. I keep asking them for help and support but i feel like i am not getting it.

Feeling so crap today and wish i had some friends and wish i could see jack. I went to therapy and said i couldnt face talking about the abuse so we just talked about jack instead. Was feeling bad enough without making myself worse talking about that.

Wanting to cut badly again - what the hell is wrong with me. Im so useless. I cant even care for myself so no wonder i am not allowed to care for jack.

Shell xxx

[winegirl]

Hey Shell

How are you doing hun?? You ok this morning??

It is pretty crap how the proffesionals are up there. No wonder you are in despair!!

But dont give up babes, I promise that the other side of this is worth waiting for for you...

WG xxx

[michelle79]

Hi WG

Still feeling pretty crap at the moment. Cant seem to pull myself together. Managed to get through last night without s/h but was so hard. I wish that all this crap was over all this and that i was ok. I cant see the other side and that scares me because i cant ever see myself being better.

Feeling so many emotions at the moment and had to talk about them yesterday. That didnt really help though. Think i mainly feel anger. Anger at phil and angry at andrew and angry at solicitor and angry at cpn and crisis team. But there is so much frustration too and i feel so upset and sad over everything.

Shell xxx

[cheshire]

Hi Shell,

Just been catching up with your diary - how you feeling today?

xx

[littlelotty]

Hi Shell

How are you doing? you havent been on here for a few days and worrying about you.

we are here hun if you ever need a chat

Take care

Littlelotty
xx

[michelle79]

Struggling so much tonight - cant cope with anything. Its all too much for me. I rang cpn and talked to her but it didn make me feel any better and ended up cutting twice since then and i really need to do it again.
Heard back from jacks school and was told what his problems are and why he needs extra support and it has made me realise that its all my fault. I have let him down so much.
Never going to get over he self harm

[yoyo]

Hiya

Sorry to crash your thread but I just wanted to say that you are not on your own with this x I know that is absolutely no reassurance to you right now as when I was told the same I thought so - but a while down the road and life is SO SO SO different. You can beat this but you must take one chunk at a time x x x Try not to attack the negative thoughts when they strike but let them wash over you if you can, sometimes you'll find the strength to fight them but other times you won't have but it doesn't mean that you will automatically give in to them x x x Get angry with the thoughts and the illness if you can - not with yourself. Please keep talking through it - it really will help in the longer term x x x

[winegirl]

You are getting over it - its just that in the depths of it it is so hard to believe! Yoyo has great advice there - and as someone who is TOTALLY the other side of this damn illness I know that she is right.

We are here and listening Shell. x

WG xx

[michelle79]

not good - just back from a & e after cutting again. Ended up cutting my leg, both arms and my wrist. Had to have so many stitches and now given me anti-biotics to stop infecxtion because i didnt even use a clean blade. I am so bloody useless. Im supposed to be fighting to get to see Jack and I just go and throw it all away. I am so fed up. I honestly dont want to be alive anymore. I hate this existence and all the way home form a & e I have been thinking of how to kill myself. Sorry Jack but you deserve better than me.

[winegirl]

Hey Babes

Sending you massive hugs hun (()). How you doing this morning? Sore and sad I guess.

Dont see this as the end of all the good work you have done. Everyone crashes and burns sometimes. The time will come when your fight out weighs your urge to self harm and you and jack will be together again.

You are full of self blame and hate, which you dont need to be. You have an illness that has made you like this for now and NONE of it is your fault!!

How are you this morning??

WG x