michelle79
Senior Member
mummy to Jack born 2004 and had pni since his birth
Posts: 471
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Post by michelle79 on Dec 13, 2008 18:31:15 GMT
Yep - i am very sore and very sad! My wrist hurts the most and i cant use it properly because it hurts too much. I dont ever think i will get away from the self harm. I am so sore from yesterday AND still I have cut today although not deep. Why cant I focus on Jack adn get better from him. I am constantly on self destruct and its ruining my chances and I still cant seem to stop. I dont blame Phil for keeping Jack away from me. I am no good to him like this.
I do have so much self blame and hate and anger and i feel like it is all my fault. I am so useless and cant see any way forward.
I really need a drink and I cant - its not fair!
Shell xxx
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Post by winegirl on Dec 13, 2008 22:29:30 GMT
Hey you
You have got to stop blaming yourself for everything! How is you cut from today?
WG x
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michelle79
Senior Member
mummy to Jack born 2004 and had pni since his birth
Posts: 471
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Post by michelle79 on Dec 14, 2008 20:07:21 GMT
What a horrible day Its 2 years today since I lost jack and ended up in psychiatric hospital  I keep going back to that night and remembering what happened and wishing it didnt happen and that I did things differently. I keep thinking of how much more worse it could have been if jack woke up and saw what i was doing. I feel so guilty and ashamed of that night. Also, my best friend is no longer my friend anymore. She has had enough of me and the self harm and sick of it stressing her out and that she can do without it. She wanted the old me back but thats not going to happen so she doesnt want to know. She is the only real friend i had and now I am on my own. Already cut tonight (not serious)mbut wanting to do more Shell xxx |
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Post by motherferret on Dec 14, 2008 21:58:49 GMT
Oh Shell, huge hugs. DOn't be ashamed - we arent doing anything to be ashamed of. Its just a more extreme way of showing how bad we feel than other people have. The people who don't understand this cant help it - they haven't reached such a wide range of feelings, or just learnt more socially acceptable ways of showing it. Thats all. Well done for getting through today without too much. I wish I could come and give you a hug. You are ok. Ali xxxxx
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Post by winegirl on Dec 15, 2008 18:23:06 GMT
Hey Shell
Sorry havent been around this weekend. How are you doing today? How are your cuts? Did manage ok last night??
WG xx
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michelle79
Senior Member
mummy to Jack born 2004 and had pni since his birth
Posts: 471
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Post by michelle79 on Dec 15, 2008 20:26:53 GMT
therapy day today - always makes me feel bad afterwards and today we didnt talk about any of the bad stuff. Have had such a big urge to cut since i got home but somehow managed not to so far.
Keep thinking of Jack today. I miss him so much. I just want to be able to see him but I cant and its getting to me so much. I can feel myself getting so worked up and full of frustration and anger and i cant do anything about it.
I doubt when this goes to court they will let me see him because i still keep on s/h and thats going against me. But I just cant stop it, its too hard and I dont have the willpower. I am constantly letting Jack down. I am such a bad mummy to him. When he is older and finds out whats happened he is going to hate me.
Why give uo the s/h now when it wont make a difference. Why cant I go back a couple of year and do things differently
Shell xxx
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Post by bean on Dec 16, 2008 20:46:00 GMT
Hey Shell
You say you want to go back and do things differently, but dont you see darlng you are! You are addressing things you havent before and this must be good in the long run (talking to myself here too).
So sorry youve cut again, I know you can change this Shell, you did before, just because you've cut again doesnt mean that it will never be any different, that its the only answer.
Sending you lots and lots of love shell and try to look after yourself.
love bean x
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Post by littlelotty on Dec 17, 2008 23:09:07 GMT
Hi Shell
Sorry i havent replied recently - had a lot on and had a blip myself. I think you are coping well hun as you are still continuing with the therapy and going through it myself at the moment i know how tough it is and how it can make you feel worse after but i can say the last couple of sessions have really helped me so hang in there.
As for contact - you are allowed and entitled to see your LO - it is likely to be supervised at start but you need to continue with this as you have every right to see him.
Hang in there hun and thinking of you.
Take care
littlelotty
xx
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michelle79
Senior Member
mummy to Jack born 2004 and had pni since his birth
Posts: 471
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Post by michelle79 on Dec 18, 2008 22:19:24 GMT
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Post by littlelotty on Dec 20, 2008 20:11:24 GMT
Hi Shell
I so wish i lived closer so i could come and give you a hug. You will stop the self-harm hun it is just going to take some time - look at how well you did not so long ago. How did the appt with the CPN go?? How is your arm at the moment?? Have they given you any help or advice??
We are here for you hun
Littlelotty
xx
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Post by yoyo on Dec 21, 2008 19:51:07 GMT
How are you doing Shell?
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Post by littlelotty on Dec 22, 2008 18:27:56 GMT
How are you hun - havent heard from you for a few days?? xxx
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Post by winegirl on Dec 22, 2008 19:44:35 GMT
Shell
Drop us a line when you can babes.
Thinking of you x
WG
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michelle79
Senior Member
mummy to Jack born 2004 and had pni since his birth
Posts: 471
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Post by michelle79 on Dec 22, 2008 20:03:50 GMT
not doing too good. Have self harmed every day for a week now and cant stop. I cant deal with anything anymore. I cant cope with xmas and new year, jack and not seeing him, the memories of rape and abuse, my sister and her kids and now my best friend who is pregnant.
I keep thinking of how to kill myself and what to do. I really dont want to face anything anymore and wish I could end it once and for all. I cant even ring anyone and it never helps anyway.
I had therapy today and ended up crying today which i dont do much and i tried telling her how i was feeling but she didnt really take any of it in and if she did she didnt say anything.
I am so unhappy and feel so low and cant pull myself up anymore.
Shell xxx
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Post by littlelotty on Dec 22, 2008 20:19:56 GMT
Hi Shell
I so wish i could live near you to come around and have a good chat and a big big hug. I can even begin to imagine what you have been through and how you cope. I know that if you did kill yourself there is so many people that would miss you and never get over losing you and the main one being is Jack as you will get to see him and be a part of his life you just need to hang in there hun.
I know what i have said prob hasnt helped at all just wanted you to know that we are here for you and care for you a lot.
You CAN get through this hun, once xmas is out of the way things might seem a bit easier - day it a day at a time.
Take care and if you need to chat then just PM me.
littlelotty
xx
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I keep going back to that night and remembering what happened and wishing it didnt happen and that I did things differently. I keep thinking of how much more worse it could have been if jack woke up and saw what i was doing. I feel so guilty and ashamed of that night. 
