Shells battle with self harm

[michelle79]

Went to psychology today and had to talk about the last couple of weeks and all my thoughts and feelings and 'near suicide' event and the couple of self harm incidents. We talked about why I dont want to leave the house and why I dont feel able to face people. It was hard work talking about everything. There was so much more that I wish I had said but too late now like how I feel like I have no life and that I cant move forward and that I can feel happy. Also wanted to talk about some bad thoughts about Jack that is happening in my head but I didnt get round to it and now I have to wait until next Monday before I can talk about it.
Im going to try and get out to reflections again and to try and mix with others this time.

[winegirl]

Hi Mate

Did you get out today?? If so how was it?

I really dont think you give yourself enough credit for all the acheivements you make. And I am POSITIVE that many of the ladies on here are astounded by your strength and will!!

You ok tonight??

WG xx

[cheshire]

Hi Shell,

Just catching up with your diary...how are you?

Hx

[littlelotty]

Hi Shell

Just wondering how you are doing hun as you havent posted for a few days.

take care hun

Littlelotty
xx

[winegirl]

How are you? Not heard from you for a few days....

WG xx

[michelle79]

Feeling bit low again and I dont know why? Maybe last weeks events - few bad things happened that I have had to deal with and has been very emotionally nd physically draining on me. Wanting to s/h but trying to stop myself because if I do and I go too far then once we get to court it will go against me. Had psychology again today and i ended up crying again and we were only talking about my friend saying she wants nothing more to do with me last week and what happened with my split form jacks dad and she realised how much that stills affects me and upsets me and how raw it is. I never talkied about the bad thoughts I am having about Jack (which i should have said last week) and we still havent started talking about the rape and abuse. I cant do it. I cant talk about it at all. Been going since November and still havent talked about it. Why cant I do it and then things will get easier???
Off to have another cry again

Shell xxx

[littlelotty]

Hi Shell

I know how hard therapy is - i have been having it since sept/oct and i think i have cried nearly every session - no joke! I can go all week without crying and then i cry all through the session! I find i cant talk about my dads death and the sexual abuse - i end up so upset i cant even talk and he has tried to talk about this on a number of sessions but i guess it will be time. Dont forget this will take time hun and as we are only seeing them every week it feels like a long time but if you add up how many sessions you have had then it might make it seem like it isnt too many. When the time is right you will be able to talk about it.

You are doing so well to keep going and you have been through so much.

When is the court date - or are you waiting for it?

Here for you hun

take care

littlelotty
xx

[michelle79]

Jan 19, 2009 19:54:02 GMT littlelotty said:

When is the court date - or are you waiting for it?


xx

I still havent heard from them. Been waiting since the first week of december and now its getting to me because its just a horrible waiting game and in the meantime its longer and longer before I can see Jack and hes not going to want to know me. Its upsetting me because I miss him so much. Its been 5 months since I last saw him Even once we go to court he wont agree to contact so cafcass will be involved and then it will take time for them to do reports and go back to court with recommendations to give me contact. I hate this mess and its all my fault. If I had got the self harm under control and not taken so many overdoses I would have been still seeing Jack.

Shell xxx

[winegirl]

Every day running up to that court date is another day for you to prove you are getting better. Treat each day as a day of proof that you are well enough to be Jacks mummy. If you are doing something positive during the waiting game it might make it pass quicker and be a bit more bearable xx

WG x

[bean]

Hey Shell
Keep fighting you, it will be worth it in the end. I know what you mean about talking about stuff in therapy, I felt like I had gaffer tape across my gob every time I tried to say anything about it, just keep going and working away with your therapist, you're being really brave to even get there.
Take care darl, keep in touch
luv bean x

[monica]

Hi

Haven't been around much lately but just catching up. How are you ? It takes time to open up and discuss such painful subjects, so you're not alone there. November isn't that long ago. perhaps write thing down and give it to the psychologist so they can instigate any discussions if it's a area you want to cover.

thinking of you

Love

Monica

[michelle79]

Ive let myself down again. Ended up getting 3 lots of stitches after I self harmed so badly. I just seemed to go mad this time Had a rough day and nearly lost yet another friend but will have to see what she says tomorrow when i get to chat with her properly. I feel so awful about the way I have been with her and had to punish myself for being such a heartless cow. Was already feeling so down anyway after recent events which hasnt helped my mood. I just cant ever see an end to the self harm. Just when I think I have cracked it and done well I go and ruin things.

[winegirl]

Its not ruined. Its a blip and a chance to start again. Have you told your CPN about the self harm? How are your stitches? You ok tonight??

Here and listening mate x

WG xx

[michelle79]

I always seem to have these blips which tells me I will never be able to stop. I havent told my cpn but the liason psychiatry at hospital spoke to me and said they were ringing her to tell her what I have done and I have a home visit tomorrow with my cpn so am sure i will have to explain to her whats happened. Stitches ok -but think she did them too tight as arms have been so painful all day.
Not feeling too clever tonight - just hate everything and cant cope with anything anymore. I just seem to have lose the fight in me. I feel like I have had enough and I feel so tearful and so frustrated and full of self hate and full of hate for my past and the present and scared of the future. Sorry - rambling now

[michelle79]

So tearful adn keep crying at the moment mainly because of Jack but silly other things keep setting me off. I saw psychiatrist last week and told him how low I have been since before christmas and asked if he could alter my meds but he said NO! He didnt listen to anything I said and gave me a 15 minute lecture on self harm and how easy it is for me to stop and that I have to try harder. FGS I am trying hard - after all its not every day like it used to be. In fact its been 2 weeks since the last time. Felt so small after out appt. I wish they would help instead of lecture.
Saw psychologist yesterday and talked about Jack and whats happened over the last couple of years and the future with supervised contact and I burst into tears. Am so annoyed - i hate crying at the best of times and to do it in front of someone. What an idiot. I wish things would improve for me.