Shells battle with self harm

[michelle79]

Interview went really well - they said I can start whenever I like - I just have to ring them to tell them but I said I had another interview next week so would ring after that. In fact I have another three interviews next week but thinking I might take this first one though as I was very impressed with thr nursery and I am able to work with all different ages of children from 6 weeks to 5 years and the staff were fab, the layout was fab and the way they run things is first class. The only downside is it is a 40 minute walk to the nursery but I dont mind too much.

Also went to solicitors that day to prepare the application forms to go to court for contact with Jack so they should be on their way now and then cafcass are to be involved first to do preliminary reports first before we go to court so hoping that all this gets sorted soon. But reality has hit home and I realise its still going to take a long time before things are sorted and I get some contact. I just cant explain how much I miss Jack and how much it hurts me not being allowed to see him.

After being on such a high on wednesday I came crashing down on thursday and felt so bad all day and got myself in such a state I ruined 5 weeks of hard work and self harmed that night So angry with myself for giving in. I feel like I am never going to be away from the self harm and that once a self harmer always a self harmer. I am supposed to be getting myself back on track and about to start working in a nursery with children so I shouldnt be doing things like this. I feel such a failure again.

Still not back to myself yet and still feeling rather flat and crap but Im getting better. I need to learn how to cope with the bad felings and not to let it get me down too much where it will jeopardise the nursery work. Its going to be hard trying to be ok all the time.

Shell xxx

[bean]

Hey Shell
Well done you on the interviews, I know you will be beating yourself up right now about giving in but please dont focus on this too much, i cant believe how much you're doing right now, your showing your strength and trying to get your life on track, that is amazing, considering how low you were not so long ago, focus on this instead maybe??
God the thought of one interview let alone three, i dont even go out of the house unless i have to and thats where you were recently - remember.
Anyway, just wanted to say well done on everything youre doing, you should be proud of yourself, i am proud of you and know you can beat this.
I often think the same, once a self harmer etc, but we can find different ways to deal with life, i know we have slip ups, but you're not depending on it like you used to and that is a BIG step hun, a BIG step.
Stay strong, think about your future, cause it sounds like you're on the way to living that future.
Thinking of you and sending massive hugs (not too close thought cause you dont want my germs lol).
Luv bean xx

[michelle79]

Feeling so bad today and so crap! Really wanting to give in and self harm AGAIN but I'm trying to think of Jack and trying to think of working in the nursery and thats helping a little but part of me thinks why fight it as thats all I am good for - messing up.

I really hate myself today - i hate who I am and what Ive become and what Ive done with Jack and myself. I am so lonely nd have no friends and its really getting to me. I cant stop getting so down and upset that I am on my own every day and every night. I feel so unhappy and such an awful person that I have no friends.

I want to cry but cant. I want to harm but cant.I want o get over this eating prob and be normal but cant. I wish I wasnt here anymore because I dont see the point anymore.

Shell xxx

[winegirl]

Hi Shell


You have to fight this because of your placement at the nursery!! And there you have a point to it all!! This could be your turning point mate....

And you will prob find you make some great new friends at the nursery! Dont give up hun, its all there in front of you!!

You know where I am xx

WG xx

[michelle79]

I dont even think I will make friends at the nursery. I still struggle with being around people and honestly dont know how I am going to cope with the work because not only do I have to be ok with the kids but the adults too. I sometimes find it hard around kids because I havent got Jack and get upset so how on earth am I going to cope in a nursery. I am starting to doubt myself that I can do it. I might as well ring up and say that I cant take the work on. Im such a failure at everything so what possessed me to think that I could do this.

I AM A BIG FAILURE AT EVERYTHING

[cazfletcherguest]

dont give up youve fought to bloody hard to stop now. just keep breathing and take one thing at a time. YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE. NO ONE ON HERE IS

[winegirl]

Dont give up Shell. The first week or so there might be a bit tough but give it chance. You will never know if you dont try. I have confidence in you mate that this will turn out to be brilliant for you!!!

[michelle79]

I'm trying not to give up but its so easy to just stop fighting for everything. Everything seems to be a battle for me and nothing is straightforward.

I feel like a failure and I am a failure as if I wasnt I would never have lost my son and I wouldnt be having to fight just to get some pathetic couple of hours a week supervised contact with a horrible stranger watching my every move and listening to my every word to Jack.

I am a failure for leaving my husband when he was the best thing that ever happened to me and was so aring and supportive but i pushed him away.

I am a failure because I let my ex beat me and rape me and didnt stand up to him and never reported him so he has probably carried on that abuse with someone else and thats my fault for not stopping him.

I am a failure because I have no friends here now and spend every day on my own with no-one to talk to. I dont deserve friends because I am so miserable and selfish.

I WILL start this voluntary work with the nursery but wont be surprised if I cant cope with it and fail at that.

I am so sick of this depression and illness ruining me

[winegirl]

You know we are all right behind you and will be here with you while you face this new challenge. xxx

[bean]

Hi Shell
How you doing, not heard from you for few days, let us know you're ok when you get chance hun.
big hugs and love
bean x

[monica]

Hi

how are you? You are not a failure - this illness has robbed you of so much but you will get better. You are doing so well. Whenn you feel bad it's dreadful but you will come out of it. You'll do brillinatly at the nursery and it'll be a distraction and help you get some routine. Of course it's going to be really hard especially at first - any new job is and it's bound to be doubly difficult as you dont' have Jack. But by doing this placement you are securing your future with Jack. If you feel you are struggling talk to the people there and tellthem, then they can support you.

Love

Monica

[michelle79]

feeling a bit down today - had psychology today and we talked about the night I lost Jack and was admitted to the psychiatric hospital and I ended up getting upset because I still cant come to terms with what I did that night and I cant forgive myself. I hate what happened that night and just talking about it was horrible and made me want to cry - but i fought back most of the tears. Its left me feeling pretty down but determined not to give in and cut like I normally do when I feel this way. I owe it to Jack not to do it.

I still feel like a failure and probably always will. I feel like I let everyone down all the time and I mess up everything. I really hope I manage the nursery work but so scared that it will upset me seeing other kids and that I wont be able to distance myself from them. Hopefully I will be ok. I cant tell the staff as they will prob get rid of me if they knew the truth about me

[winegirl]

Long time no speak Shell!! How are things with you?? Drop us a line when you get chance babes xx

Thinking of you x

WG (())

[michelle79]

Hiya

Had a few bad days and felt very low and very very close to self harming but never gave in. I feel like this depression and the self harm will never leave me. When I feel like I am better and moving on something always knocks me back own again and I cant cope.

I spent a few days visiting a friend and found it so hard and struggled with it. I seem to have no social skills and no confidence anymore. That made me feel so useless and a bad friend because I couldnt even talk to her and just sat there doing nothing most of the time. I used to be so confident and outgoing and bubbly before I had Jack and got PNI. Its so hard trying to get myself back to normal and I just dont know if I will get back to that point again. I dont know how I will cope in the nursery having to talk with the other staff.

Feeling a little proud of myself as saw my cpn last week and finally admitted my eating problems and that I practically starve myself and over-exercise and feel so fat and ugly. I have to write a food diary for the next 2 weeks and when I see her next we will go through it. Started that last tuesday and hardly eaten anything so its pretty empty so she wont be happy but I cant face eating anything. Going to try a yoghurt today though. God why is such a simple thing so hard for me.

Shell xxx

[bean]

Hey Shell
Sorry tried to get on to chat to you last night but laptop was freeakiing out on me crashing.
Hey i think you're a star, you felt so low but never gave in, that's brilliant hun. Its also a really important thing you've done with your cpn about the eating thing, believe me i know about this and its good you're being honest about it now, thats the way forward, she cant help what she doesnt know about can she, so its great you've been able to open up about this, i knew you'd mentioned eating probs before, but you've never come out and said it, this must mean you want to deal with it, i hope you can manage just a bit, even that yoghurt is better than nothing.
Just keep telling yourself (im doing this at mo) that every little step, even tho doesnt seem much, is moving you on a little bit, or massive bit if you think of the s/h and how you would ahve given in before - that's an enormous one, well done hun.
Thinking of you, big, big hugs
love bean x