Shells battle with self harm

[bean]

Hey Shell
how you doing chic? i hope our chat helped the other night, youre doing great and please remember that, i think youre so strong the way you have had to cope with everything, but youre still here and fighting..
please let me know you're ok (Daniel just came down and saw me typing and said whos shell? i said shes my friend and he said to say he loves you and sends hugs).
i never let him see anythign i type, he just saw your name.
take care hunny
luv bean x

[michelle79]

Hi - thats so nice of daniel Bean! Hugs back to him and you!

If anyone ever wants to start self harming - i wish I could talk to them and tell them no! I wish I never started it and really want to stop but cant. I dont want to be doing this forever but it seems its never ending.

Friday was so bad - ended up cutting so many times and then ended up in a & e and had to have two lots of stitches and more intervention from the crisis team. But worst to com - got up yesterday morning and had no feeling in my fingers and couldnt move them and my arm and hand has been so painful and unbearable. So back to a & e yesterday to get checked out and he doesnt think its a tendon but could be either a nerve or muscle damage and if it dosnt get any better by tuesday to go back and I have to take anti-inflammatory for pain and swelling. Well had about 6 lots of tablets since yesterday and still in so much pain and still havent got feeling back in my hand although its a little better than yesterday. Every thing is so hard to do with my left hand! Its all my own fault though and its going to be on my records when the solicitor asks for them. I got so upset yesterday morning because of what I had done but not suire how much of the crying was down to the fact I cut and ruined things with Jack or how much it was because of the amount of pain I was in!

[winegirl]

Aww hun sending you all my love. I am so sorry. Wish I could help!! I really hope there is no lasting damage there...

Things arent over with you and Jack hun, it just means it takes longer. You will get there I know...

You working at the nursery this week??

WG xx

[bean]

Hi Shell
So sorry you felt that bad and had to go as far as you did, I totally agree with you on the talking to people who are thinking of self harming, it gets a grip on you so much.
How is it today? Like WG said you will get there, you just need more help at the mo, where the crisis team any use?
Sending you lots of love hun, you know where i am..
luv bean x

[michelle79]

Yep - am working all day tomorrow and wednesday then half day thursday so I dont know how I am going to manage as I still have little feeling in my hand and fingers and am still in so much pain. Looks like it will be another trip to a & e tomorrow night and see what they say. I feel so stupid and so annoyed that I always go far and that I have let it be this bad. Why cant I learn to stop this or at least not do it too bad?

Had a friend round this afternoon an d ended up getting me to talk a little about the abuse I suffered with my ex and I tried to say it didnt bother me but now hes gone its bothering me a lot now and I cant let it go and its making me feel so bad and so angry nd wanting me to hurt myself again. Why do I always want to hurt myself over these things? I really should ring the crisis team as thats what they are there for but cant face picking up the phone. Why cant I help myself?

Havent even had psychology for a couple of weeks as she is on holiday and not back til 1st June so I cant even talk over these things with her. I could ring my cpn but she doesnt understand as much and never knows how to help me.

I feel so worked up inside and hurting so much with thinking about things.

[sazzythom]

Hi Michelle

I just read this post and i felt compelled to write. I have also had problems with self harming and know how lonely it feels. Its the control you feel after you have done it that is so wierd. How can seriously hurting myself put me in control? Don't know but it does.

I've been almost a month without doing anything but theres always that thought in the back of my mind.

I know its hard to admit to the abuse but talking about it really does help. Have you spoken to your psycologist about it? I know when i had my daughter the abuse i had recieved at the hands of my ex made my PNI worse and when ever i thought about it i would hurt myself. My psycologist has suggested that i felt i needed to hurt as thats what he instilled into me. Do you think this might be why you do it?

Never feel ashamed about it. Many people do it for many different reasons and whatever happens you will always have the love of your darling angel Jack(even if it doesn't feel like it sometimes) It will get better

[winegirl]

Hi Shell

Its hard when logic tells you to ring the crisis team and then you cant. But try if you can if the urse carries on tonight. Think of the damage you have already done to you arm and how much worse it could be if you do this again.

Is there anyone else you can ring other than the crisis team??

WG xxx

[bean]

Hi hun
hope you're ok and manage to get some rest, tried getting back but you were offline.
nite nite x
luv bean

[michelle79]

ended up s/h again last night - was too much to cope with and i couldnt pick up the phone. I should really go to a & e but cant face them again so just dressed it and hoping for the best. How Bad am I? I am a complete and utter useless person and its no wonder they wont let me see Jack

[monica]

Hi

Oh sweatheart - how ar eyour cuts today? You are not useless - your cutting is a reaction to your pain - when you feel well you don't do it only when very low, so you cut, so you feel worse. If someone else told you their story you wouldn't think them useless - yet you are so harsh to yourself.

I hoep your placement gives you some distraction to how you feel. Do seek medical help and try and call crisis team - if you can nip your negativbe feelings in the bud before they get bad it helps - I know that's so very hard.

Sendin gyou huge hugs

Love

Monica

[bean]

Hi Shell
How are you feeling tonight, hows your arms?
try not to beat yourself up about last night, you tried your best i know you did.
How did nursery go? Look forward to starting your course in september, it will be a new start for you, and youll be great.
Take care hun, we're all here for you
luv bean x

[winegirl]

Hey Shell,

You ok? How is the arm?? I am worried about you as i know the s/h is starting to do a bit of damage and wish you had gone to a & e. I understand exactly why you didnt want to go, but it is better that than the possibility of infection, damage etc...

I am sending you loads of love and strength hun and here if you need to talk x

Drop us a line if you read this to let us know you are ok??

Love

WG xx

[michelle79]

Hiya

My arms are very very painful - partly becuase of last night and partly because of the damage I did on fri night and its not 100% better yet. At least i have some feeling back now though although its still not right. But after being at nursery today and forcing myself to do things as if nothing is wrong has taken its toll I think and its even more painful tonight. God knows how I managed to hold the babies and toddlers - the pain as shooting right through my arms today. And got to do it all again tomorrow.
I still cant face going to a & e. Just keeping mu fingers crossed it wont get infected. It still is gaping open though.

Why am I so stupid? Why do I have to go too far all the time and do it so bad? I really wish I could be away from the self harm but its juts so hard. Its all I know now when I get upset or angry.

Shell xxx

[winegirl]

Please please think more about going to a&e... or even an NHS walk in centre if there is one near by... If your arm got poorly you would be devastated that you didnt get it checked out.. I know that i sound like a nagging mother, and i really dont mean too, just worried about you.

This will NOT be forever mate, i cant help but feel that your issue of s/h has not been tackled properly by the services and they are focusing on all the other things in your life first... But this will get sorted. I know when you and i first spoke there were no self harm support groups in your area, is this still the case do you know???

WG xx

[michelle79]

the support worker who i talk to and confide in a lot at reflections has applied for funding to set up a group in our area so we waiting to hear back from that. We are in touch with a woman who runs the group in blackpool and have been invited to meet her and talk through how she runs the group and get advice and info and also she is recovering self harmer so I can talk to her. So me and the support worker called christine will be hopefully going there in a couple of weeks to see her. Then once group up and running christine has said she wants me to take over. But apart from that there isnt anything. Our group will be the first.

I dont have any supprt with s/h at momemt as psychologist off work - last time i saw her was 27th april and not seeing her til 1st june as she went to get marrid and on holiday so been left alone. My cpn is the person I need to contact but she doesnt know how to help. Although psychologist did say when we met agian we need to try and sort of the s/h because its not stopped yet.

I know I should go to a & e or the walk in centre but its prob too late to do anything now. I cant face them and it wont look good on my record - twice in a matter of days when I am supposed to be fighting for Jack.