Shells battle with self harm

[winegirl]

Well the hope of the support group looks promising???

I see exactly why you dont want to get help right now for your arm, and i wont push it with you, i just want to say that if it feels like it is getting worse then please see someone...

Will you be ok tonight??

[michelle79]

i hope so - had the urges to s/h all night and trying to fight them but I keep thinking once I cut I will be ok and they will go away. But I am scared of when I cut as I always go too deep

[winegirl]

Hey hun, how are you doing this morning? Did you get through the night ok??

WG xx

[michelle79]

Yeah I got through that night ok but ended up s/h last night. Why do I have to punish myself all the time. I am harming quite frequent again and worries its going to take over again. I dont know if its because I havent had the support from my psychologist gor a few weeks as she got married and went on honeymoon so we havent had any sessions. My arms are so painful still and yet I keep on cutting. I must be some kind of sadist I hate being me and I hate the mess of my arms but its never going to go away. Why was I so stupid to do something that has scarred me for life.
Got cpn coming in the morning so will prob try and talk to her but I am a bit reluctant as she has to write a report for this assessment for court so dont want her putting in that I still self harm but at the same time I need to tell her because I cant deal with this on my own.

[winegirl]

You are doing the right thing talking to teh CPN about it, you need extra support right now with this.

How are you feeling this evening mate??

WG x

[michelle79]

I wish I never told the cpn that I have been self harming a lot lately - she wasnt much use and had a go at me and told me I have to start helping myself and start ringing people when I get that bad. She doesnt understand that sometimes I have to do it and dont want to let anyone stop me. Now she knows though she will write it in her report but I suppose when the soliciitor gets my hospital and doctors records they wil know anyway.

I feel like I have got to the point where I just dont care anymore. I desperately want to see Jack but I cant fight the urges and not self harm. I want to be able to harm and still see Jack. I know that sounds bad but its too hard to stop. I dont deserve to be nice to myself anyway.

If I could wake up and not think about it and not want to do it then I would be happy but at the moment its all in my head and I cant get away from it and I dont have the energy to fight it right now. Maybe I am not ready and I feel like I have been pressured to stop because of Jack but I cant stop for Jack. I suppose I have to stop for myself but right now I cant

Shell xxx

[michelle79]

still struggling - eneded up i a & e last night after cutting and yet more staples in my legs I hate myself for being this way and I wish I didnt have any scars anymore but I do and I dont know how to stop myself getting more.

[michelle79]

having an awful day and in need of some friendly hugs. Its 3 years today since I left my husband and I still hate myself for walking out still cant come to terms with it. It was my biggest mistake of my life. I hate myself for ruining his life and ruining Jacks by making his mam and dad be apart. The urges today are so strong - i feel like I have to be punished for it all. Why did I walk out on him. Why didnt he try harder to stop me and make me realise I was just ill and not thinking straight

[monica]

Hi

Sending you huge huge hugsxxxx anniversaries are always hard to bear and I can see the 'what if's are whizzing round your mind. It must be incredibly hard but you were desperately ill that's why you did it. Your husband probably didn't know what to do. Please try and look forward - every postive step to take now is a step in the right direction to getting closer to Jack and making a happy life for yourself. Try and focus on what you've done - you have your nursery placement which you love and they really value your work there. You don't deserve to punish yourself. And even though things are incredibly difficult at the minute, I trully believe you will recover from this awful illness. Please please hang onto that thought. Even though your life may not turn out the way you might have once imagined, I trully believe you will be happy.

How r u this evening?

you are a wonderful and strong person shell.

Love and hugs

monica

[michelle79]

ended up giving in and had to go to a & e and ended up with more staples. I just dont know how to help myself anymore. I am finally admitting I cant cope anymore but who wants to listen to me. My cpn is due on friday and she wont have a clue what to say. The hospital want me to have appt with liason psychiatry so got them ringing me tomorrow. I am messing everything up for myself - i can see that - but cant stop it

[winegirl]

Hey Hun

Sorry wasnt around last night, and so sorry for everything you went through x

Have you considered asking your CPN if you can be admitted for a little while? I know it sounds a bit scary, but in the right environment you would not be able to self harm and have all the help and resources right at hand to get you through it?

How are your cuts today? Are you ok?

Drop us a line to let us know how you are when you get a chance x

Much love

WG (())

[monica]

Hi

how have the past couple of days been for you? How are your cuts? Have you spoken to cpn? Did she come up with any advice foryou.

Love

Monica

[winegirl]

Yes, let us know how you are Shell when you get a minute? Thinking of you xx

Love

WG (())

[michelle79]

Hi

I couldnt tell cpn how bad I was feeling and that I cant cope. I did tell her about the self harm getting worse but she didnt seem to have much to say about it. Its as if she cant be bothered with me. I dont know what else to do now. I feel so totally alone and dont know what to do anymore. She said if i get bad ring her, the crisis team or my mam or friend but whast the point as noone wants to help or knows how to. I needed to tell her I am having bad suicidal feelings again and that I am scared of them and I couldnt even tell her that. So she thinks that I am ok apart from the self harm. I feel like I am suffocating with everything. I cant cope anymore and I am so anxious all the time its not helping.

Shell xxx

[monica]

Hi

Is there anyone you feel will listen and that you can open up to? Whatis your gp like? You need to tell someone how bad you are feeling as you need lots more support than you're getting. I also know it's often the hardest thing in the world to do but you must. Do you feel you could tell your mum how you are at the minute? Perhaps she could help you to get support?

How are you this pm?

Monica