Shells battle with self harm

[michelle79]

I cant tell anyone how bad I am feeling - noone can help me anyway. I dont deserve help. Im afraid that i will take all the pills though and that I wont reach out to anyone but I just want everything to stop hurting and go away. I hate being me and my life and my past and wish it was all over. Does Jack really need a messed up mummy like me? He deserves better than me

[monica]

Hi

This is a very bad blip you're going through and you willcome out of it. You know there are good times ahead as you've been there where you feel positive about life. Jack needs you so much. You do need and deserve help - we all need it sometimes - as getting through this is so hard. Please call the crisis line, emergency dr, nhs direct, your mum.

Love and hugs

Monica

[winegirl]

Hey hun...

How are you doing? Havent heard from you for a couple of days and wondering if you are ok??

Thinking of you x

WG xx

[michelle79]

still not doing too good

had bad few days - bumped into ex on wednesday who raped and abused me and camnt switch off from seeing him and the memories and images of things he did to me. Makes me feel so duirty and ashamed and ended up sitting in a bath full of bleach just to feel clean again. Then ended up self harming badly again because I still didnt feel any better.,

Been staying with friend for couple of days as I am just not safe on my own and had to coe home last night but another friend stayed with me so that I wasnt alone.

Still want to self harm so badly and cant do anything til he is in bed tonight.

Spoke to crisis team yesterday and they said to ring back if need be and that they will contact my cpn on monday morning and tell her whats happened.

I feel so scared and vulnerable at the moment and wish I could stop having him in my head.

It just feels like I am not allowed to be happy again. I need to talk it through with therapy but I cant face talking about it. Its too scary and I amnot brave enoough and then I will end up getting angry and upset over it and harm myself badly again.

[winegirl]

Have you spoken to the CPN today hun? What did she say??

You got anyone with you tonight??

[michelle79]

My cpn never rang me today so I dont know if she has actually been told by the crisis team and I am too scared to ring her. I hate picking up the phone. Had psychology and had to go through what happened last week and it was very hard and I hated the session and didnt want to be there. Told her that I dont see the point of me going to the sessions becuase nothing is changing and no matter what we put in place for self harm and what we talk about it never actually helps when I want to self harm. I said I feel like I am just wasting everyones time.

I am supposed to be seeing my friend tonight and was hoping to go now rather then 8 o'clock as planned but I cant get hold of her. Right now I need to cut and its going to go against me. Its the first time I have been on my own since wednesday and I dont trust myself.

[winegirl]

How did last night go for you? Did you see your friend??

I hope the CPN is in contact today...

[michelle79]

Yes I did see my friend on monday so got through that night ok - but I ended up on my own last night and cut badly so more stitches.

Still havent heard from the cpn and dont think I will do now. I cant face ringing her and tbh whats the point. She cant make things better and give m Jack back, she cant get rid of the bad memories for me and she cant even help with the self harm.

Its been a week and I still feel so down and depressed and scared and unhappy. Surely this should have passed by now.

I hate him and I hate myself so much

[winegirl]

You need to ring her hun.. I know its hard but just write down what you need to say to her on the phone and read it out like a script telling her she needs to come and see you..

Its ridiculous that you have been for more stitches and she hasnt been?! What did they say at the hospital??

[michelle79]

the hospital said that they wanted me to have appt with liason psychistry today but I said no because whats the point - they never ring anyway and they cant help. I cant ring my cpn and she will be so busy anyway she wont come and see me as I am not urgent. I just feel so unsafe on my own but I cant always rely on friends to let me stay. I wish I could stop the self harming - its controlling my life again.

[winegirl]

Thats why you need the CPN hun - its time for them to arrange some proper help for you as you cant stop this on your own.

How have things been for you the last couple of days??


WG xx

[michelle79]

not been very good - ended up in hospital after taking an overdose. I just want things to go away and get better. Struggling today with the urge to self harm - I know its going to happen - I cant even distract myself and its like I HAVE to do it and WANT to do it. I am never going to get my life on track if I cant even help myself.

[winegirl]

Ring the crisis team and tell them that you need them out now.. Surely the hospital havent sent you off to be home alone??!!

[michelle79]

Yep the hospital have sent me home alone - not really much they could do. I had to talk to liason psychiatry before I was sent home and they didnt offer much use - just wanted to know why I took the overdose and if I was allowed home would I do it again to which I said no! . I have been told to ring crisis team if need be and that my cpn should ring me tomorrow (but we all know that will never happen - think she doesnt know how to pick up a phone and dial my number.)
Ended up s/h again this afternoon - was more or less the first thing I did when I got home so had to go back to a & e and had staples so more questions to answer. I wish I knew how to be gentle to myself instead of being intent on hurting myself all the time and I am sick of having all this hurt and pain inside of me

[winegirl]

I just dont understand why they keep sending you home alone, especially when you are back in only hours after being admitted.. its so wrong.

Have you got anyone you can be with tonight or a friend you can ring for a chat??