Shells battle with self harm

[michelle79]

nope- a friend has just left and there isnt anyone else I can talk to - going to have to try get through tonight as best as possible.

[monica]

Hi

How are you today? How are your cuts? Has the cpn been in touch? Please try to contact crisis team - would you consider a stay in hospital as at least someone would be there 24/7 and you do need the support at the minute.

Sending you hugs

Monica

[michelle79]

Still wobbly today - had psychology and told her it wasnt helping becuase we have been working together since last year and I am still self harming - worse than ever too - and that I feel like I am wasting her time. Only got one more session left with her then I am being referred to dbt which will work specifically on the self harm and my emotions and how I can cope with them in a better way. Got my appointment through for assessment.

CPN never got in touch - saw her briefly when I went to psychology and she just said Hi and that was it. Shes coming out to see me on friday so I suppose I will just talk to her then.

I dont know about the hospital route - if I do go in it will push mr further away from seeing Jack and cant afford to put things back. I just want to see him as is been 10 months and I miss him so much and cant make it any longer than needs to be. I just have to make out I am ok so that they will let me see him soon.

Shell xxx

[monica]

Hi

What's dbt? Do you know how long it will last? Hoepfully you will receive help and coping strategies for the self harm.

I do understand you re: hospital - even though it shouldn't jeopardise you seeing Jack. Your cpn is pretty crap or is it over worked.

How are your cuts? Could you move in with your mum for a bit? Would that help you minimise the self harm? Sorry don't mean to make it sound like a million questions.

Love

Monica

[michelle79]

DBT is dialectical Behaviour therapy - not sure what it is but this dbt I am going to is specifically for self harming and emotional problems so will be just what I need. I really hope it helps as I cant carry on the way I am at the moment.

I cant really move in with my mam - tbh I am so independant I would hate it. I know it sounds like a good idea but I dont think I would like it. I tend to try stay there or my friends if I am feeling really bad but sometimes I ont want them to help.

Cuts are ok - get staples out next week so have to keep wearing long sleeves which isnt nice in his heat. Not self harmed since sunday so thats the longest I have gone for a few weeks now.

I am trying to stop the harm and have put all my blades into a tin with photos of jack and my 2 friends are writing letters saying how much I mean to them and how much the self harm upsets them and anything else they want to write. The hope is when I get my blades I will have to see those letters first and hoping it will stop me self haming. I hope it works.

[winegirl]

Thats a really good idea Shell, guilt yourslef into not cutting.

Well done on going 4 days without cutting - stick with it girl - you have done it before and i know you can do it again x

WG xx

[michelle79]

thanks wg xxx

5 days now!

[winegirl]

Well done mate x Keep it up - you are doing fab xx

[michelle79]

oh well - never made it to 6 days because i cut last night. So blumming useles I am, I am never going to be able to stop the self harm - its too hard and the urges get so strong. I dont know what to do anymore

[michelle79]

why is this self harm so hard to beat and why does it have to be so bad. Ended up in a & e sunday and then I ended up back there tonight. How much can my body take? I am so sick of it - why cant I be free of the self harm. I hate myself for doing it but I hate everything eslse in my life which makes me do it. I dont think I will ever be free. I was so determined last week to stop but it only lasted 5 days Really made a mess of my arms tonight - how stupid am I

[naomi]

hey Shell

so sorry to hear you feel beaten by the desire to self harm again - but you are not beaten because you're owning up to it and trying to get the best help you can.

I guess it's just a case of a bad blip these couple of days - I hope you can speak to your CPN soon and that things start getting better when you get on to the DBT counselling course.

Thinking of you and sending love your way

[bean]

Hi Shell
sorry you're feeling so bad mate. I do know how the self harm seems the only way out, the only way to cope, I wish there was something I could do or say to convince you otherwise, but I do understand Shell, you know.
Try to get some rest chic, and not to beat yourself up about it. Tomorrow's another day hun.
Love, strength and wrap around hugs coming your way
luv bean xxx

[winegirl]

Oh mate, i wish i could do something to help...

Have you spoken to the CPN??

[monica]

Hey - dont' beat yourself up about the self harm - you went for five days and that's progress.

The DBT sounds really interesting and as you said aimed specificially to your needs.I imagine a major part of the problem wiht self harm is finding a treatment/coping strategy that will help long term. Do let us know how you get on.

How have you been?

Love

Monica

[michelle79]

I had assessment done today to talk about contact with Jack and my risk to him - it went ok - heres what I can remeber

I had the assessment done by the psychologist. he asked all sorts of quesions like why didnt i see Jack, my childhood, the birth of Jack, when i was diagnosed with PND, my relationship with Phil - I had to tell him about the self harm, the rape/abuse from ex, and how I cope with my illness.
he asked what I wanted if an interim contact order was issued andI said supervised contact initially then unsupervised then overnight and he said he asked phil the same quesion and he said the same! Surprised as he was so agisnt me seeing Jack. I told him the self harm was less frequent (a lie but hey ho) and that I was working with psycholgist and waiting for DBT to deal with it.
He is hoping to end his report by end of july rather than sept so things will go quicker than expected. he wants to arrange a meeting between me and phil soon too to agree on contact. It all looks positive and went better than I expected. There is prob more that was said but I cant think anymore

Shell xxx