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Post by caterina on Mar 18, 2009 0:51:16 GMT
Flobob you sound knackered hun. Are you getting some rest, do your wee ones sleep through or are you still getting interrupted sleep? You say you have no one to talk to, we're all here for you Flobob. Maybe Homestart would be able to help you out a bit, if there's one near you. Don't worry about the house being a tip, that's not important. I know it's easier said than done. You are not ruining your kids lives..they wouldn't be here if you hadn't had them, nurtured them and loved them this far in their lives and they love you for it. (As for your wee boy crying at bed time when you're feeding your baby can you feed her in his room while you read him a story? I've found that's the only way I can get my daughter to bed sometimes and at least we're all in the same room) My hubbyis away a lot in the evening so I have to do the bedtimes on my own and have found this to be the best solution to us. Thinking of you, keep talking xxxx
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Post by winegirl on Mar 18, 2009 9:47:37 GMT
Hey Flobob
You need to make an appt with GP. Firstly to get your mind put at ease over your health anxieties, and secondly to talk about how you are feeling.
Everything you have written was how I felt on a typical down day. Everything was too much, i felt bad about everything etc.. And some times it is hard to take stock of things. But it is ok to have the odd down day or two. I still do it now from time to time.
How are you feeling this morning? Have you spoken toOH much about how you are doing??
WG xx
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flobob
Senior Member
Posts: 357
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Post by flobob on Mar 19, 2009 2:38:34 GMT
I guess I am knackered. No not sleeping enough. And no matter how much sleep I get I never feel not tired. Homestart ... I'll have a think, thanks. Can't help myself and think of these things on my own.
I'll think about feeding baby with little boy there - but he just gets noisy at the wrong moment and baby is trying to see what he's up to or even worse she's gone off to sleep and he does his noisy thing and then she's awake. And I get so angry with the world when that happens.
Baby crying - got to go.
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Post by caterina on Mar 19, 2009 10:05:56 GMT
Flobob your post 'sounds' so unhappy. Sorry if you've already said but are you getting any treatment for PNI from your GP? It's just that what you said about being tired no matter how much sleep you get struck a chord with me as that was a major symptom with me and I found that antids helped with that. Know you're bf but pretty sure fluoxetine (prozac) is a safe one if you felt you wanted to go down that road. I know what you mean about getting really angry when your kids wake each other up, i'm forever trying to get one to be quiet while the other sleeps and it gets so frustrating. www.home-start.org.uk/ here's the link to the Homestart website (think I did it right!) so might be worth a look if you get a spare minute today. I've never used them but I think someone comes round and is there to take the pressure off a bit. Try and get some rest when baby sleeps (maybe put your toddler in front of a DVD or something) and at least if you can't sleep you can just veg a bit. Don't feel guilty about it either, he will love it and you can relax. (packet of caramel chocolate digestives at the ready!) Since the weather's good do you have a good pal who could help you take the kids to the park or lake or something? I know it's a daunting prospect to take them out on your own so if you can enlist a couple of pals so there's more adults than kids it might be less scary. The fresh air might help you feel a bit better too, I know I feel crap when been inside all day. How you doing today? xxx
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flobob
Senior Member
Posts: 357
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Post by flobob on Mar 20, 2009 18:25:25 GMT
OMG, can't believe what just happened to me. I've had a lovely no-pressure day. Stayed in this morning, bath for me then later bath for baby girl. Then after her feed at 11am we went to Tescos. All OK. Went for lunch at a local farm shop. All OK. Went to my parents on the way home. All OK. Got home, opened a letter addressed to my children. It was an invite to a children's party from a Mum I got to know when doing ante-natal classes. And I first felt a bit guilty for not keeping in touch properly. And then I just flipped. It was like a switch had been hit in my head. Then I looked at my emails and had a snotty one from someone I work for. Kind of telling me I wasn't doing my job properly. Which I know because I am so tired and never have enough time to do it anyway. But last night I worked for 4 hours and caught up on loads and that was why I had such a good day today because I'd realised I could do the work just had to adjust when I could do it. Then I went downstairs again and I got so angry with little boy and physically violent - not enough to hurt him but just restraining him unnecessarily. Oh God. I've never done that before. I don't think I was in control at all. I calmed down almost immediately. And said sorry to my little boy. Scared of what I'm teaching him - to be violent and angry. Scared of actually hurting him. Scared that someone will take my lovely children away from me. Husband is home now. Really want to tell him tonight what has been going on in my head lately. Don't know if I will be brave enough. Can't reply to you right now Caterina and WG, but thanks for posting. Just wanted to record what was the trigger for this episode - it was hearing from the ante-natal class Mum. I tried really hard when all our children were born 3 years ago to keep in touch, but really felt at the time that no-one wanted to know me. The thought of going to the party freaks me out, maybe having to see all those couples again. No-one helped me at the time and I resent them for it. Which is stupid because they didn't owe me anything. But I was very lost and lonely at the time. Baby girl has unexpectedly fallen asleep. If little boy will have wash and bedtime with his Daddy then I can possibly relax. But actually imagine that I'll frazzle my head with thinking. Should've bought wine at Tescos this morning, could do with it now.
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Post by caterina on Mar 20, 2009 22:37:06 GMT
Hi flobob Good to hear that you had such a positive part of the day but sorry to hear it went downhill for you. It's often the case (for me at least) that there is some trigger for the 'blips' and well done you for recognising yours today. Some days I can't figure it out at all. It sounds like the incident with the antenatal class woman has really affected you today. Hope you're doing ok xxxx
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Post by winegirl on Mar 21, 2009 16:35:05 GMT
You ok today hun? Did you talk to OH last night??
Thinking of you babes xxxx
WG x
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Post by caterina on Mar 22, 2009 2:47:53 GMT
Hi flobob Just a quick update on homestart..a good friend of mine used them when she was a single parent to 2 young kids and she found them so useful. They helped her find nursery places, work training courses, made millions of cups of tea, was a shoulder to cry on, took the kids out to give her some breathing space. They can also help with all sorts of other things. How you doing babe? xxxxxx
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flobob
Senior Member
Posts: 357
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Post by flobob on Mar 24, 2009 3:09:07 GMT
Thank you ladies, just for listening. Today I did something positive I think. Had a grotty day again. At 5.30pm when I knew my friend would have finished work I rang her and said I needed help. She came straight away. It is good to admit there is a problem. When friend came, baby girl woke up. It had been an odd day and she hadn't slept until 4pm-ish. My friend looked after children while I put washing in tumble dryer, which I find almost impossible as the t-dryer is in the garage and I can't leave children on their own whilst I go out there. Then we all tidied up, including little boy. I know the housework isn't important but it does stress me so much and today I really wanted to tidy up but I just didn't have the energy to do so, even when baby girl was asleep. There were toys everywhere. Actually before friend got here wanted to ask her to do chores for me. But when she was here just didn't feel comfortable doing so. It seems so rude to sit on the sofa and do nothing while directing someone else on chores. Also because it all needs explaining - where the garage keys are, how to work the t-dryer, where things go, etc. Just explaining it all tires me out more than doing it. Another friend also popped in to see me this evening. I 'd seen her briefly on Sunday and she sensed that I needed to talk. My friend is going to take the day off work on Wednesday to come over and be with me. Hopefully I'll be able to get an appointment to see the doctor - I did try today but the dr I want to see doesn't have any free appointments for a fortnight, so I have to phone first thing on Wed to try to get an appointment that day. Then my friend will look after little boy while I see the doctor. When my friend went home I actually talked to my husband. I told him I hadn't been myself for about a month and think it is depression. He said he thinks it is stress related. But he's only saying that because he doesn't want me to be depressed again. But I know what is going on in my head. Caterina, you said well done for recognising the trigger. Do you think it makes a difference knowing what the trigger is? I know all mine, here goes, making a list because I want to take it to the doctor. - Husband's contract finishing at end March. Don't know when he'll get next contract or where it will take him. Only slightly worried about income - am able to detach completely from money worries. The anxiety comes in because I NEED to know where he will be next. Will he have to work away and be home only at weekends? Or will he be able to commute and come home each day? I think I could cope with either but I just need to know and have time to adjust. When he got his latest contract just before Xmas, he interviewed on Tues, was offered the job on Wed, and Thurs morning he was packing a suitcase to go away. It was all just too soon and too sudden. And that was when I didn't feel like I had PNI!
- With husband's contract ending, he may well be at home for a while. That would be OK if he took the burden off me in any area of my life - cooking, housework, childcare. But I just know he won't do that unless I ask him to and then that leads to an argument and ends with me begging him. This is what happened in December. He was home from 1st Dec. It took a week before I asked him to be responsible for the cooking, then another week of arguing about it before he did it, and then a week later he got work and was away again. I don't just need him to do something when I ask I need him to take responsibility for it so that I know it is going to happen and I don't even have to think about it.
- Baby girl is starting nursery in April. And also will be going to my parents 1 day a week. I know I need this. But it isn't a break as I will be working while she's out. She'll be out same days as my little boy. However it is definitely causing me anxiety.
- Baby girl is 6 months old now. I had such a difficult time when baby boy was 6 months old that it is affecting me now.
- Little boy has just turned 3. Think that has made me think about his birth, especially now I have a more positive birth experience to compare it with, and think about how I was then.
Not a very good list. I am unable to explain things concisely and have to ramble on. This is also a problem. Can ramble on here, but not when talking to people, so it just ends up that I don't tell them because it would take too long - who's got time to listen to all this? And especially without interrupting! God I don't want much do I? LOL Anyway also wanted to write down how it is all affecting me, so another list. - Keep thinking that I have various diseases. Know they're in my head really.
- Have a constant stomach ache and feel sick.
- Can barely hold my daughter because I am so worried that I'm going to drop her. Carried her out to the car in my arms on Friday because I'd left my purse and mobile phone out there and needed to fetch them in. Petrified I was going to drop her on the concrete. Told my mum to stop tickling my daughter whilst I was holding her in mum's kitchen because I thought she'd wriggle so much I'd drop her on the tiled floor.
- Getting a lot of headaches.
- Crying a lot.
- Unable to think especially about sums.
- Unable to tackle jobs - housework and office work. Have to break it down in to tiny bits in order to achieve anything.
- Get angry very quickly.
- Sabotaging my friendships. Subconsciously doing it on purpose - if I drive people away first then they won't be able to abandon me.
- Want to spend all the time in the bath.
- Want to crawl away and live in a hole so no-one can find me.
- Constantly tired. Not sleeping enough. But even when I do I'm still tired the next day.
- Constantly hungry despite the constant stomach ache. Eating all the time. But everyone is saying to me that I'm losing weight and my clothes are hanging off me - I need belts on trousers that I've never needed belts on before. My friend brought her bathroom scales with her today, because I don't have any. I weighed myself at her house about a month ago, weighed myself again tonight. Haven't actually lost any weight so that's good - stayed exactly the same in fact.
Why is this happening now? I was doing so well. So happy not to have PNI. Could see so clearly. Could see that it was the illness that had caused all my problems before. On Friday when I had a lovely day with my children, realised that the day had been good because I'd avoided contact with anyone that knew me, apart from my parents, so didn't have to put on a "front". Feel like I was living in a bubble with my children and if I look beyond the bubble everything is foggy, so it is better not to look. On the positive side, I have now told my friend and my husband. Breastfeeding has improved again. I love my children. That's it. Needed to offload. Always the case in the middle of the night. Hope to be able to go back to sleep now. Sorry for waffling on so much.
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Post by caterina on Mar 24, 2009 5:32:52 GMT
Hi flobob Hope you managed to get back to sleep hun. Will be back later to post more but DS going a bit mental now. Thinking of you babe xxxxx
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Post by winegirl on Mar 24, 2009 14:16:04 GMT
Hi Flobob
It seems to me mate that it is happening now because you have so much stress going on in your life all at once! It would be a trigger for anyone I am sure! You need to reaslise that you are not going backwards, but that you have alot going off in your life at the moment that has caused you to feel like this, and once it all calms down your blip will pass.
I notice you were up very early this morning (or late last night!) Hope youa re ok today??
WG xx
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Post by monica on Mar 24, 2009 19:46:16 GMT
Hi
WEll on on telling your friends and husband - you need people to know when you're feeling like this.
Do you think this has been building up for a while? You've sounded quite down in some of your earlier posts at times. All the additional stress has just brought things to a head. I find if everything is ok I am well but faced with anything stressful it all can get too much.
Let us know how you get on
Monica
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Post by caterina on Mar 24, 2009 23:57:16 GMT
Hi flobob Finally made it back! Yes I find it helpful to know what my triggers are, there'e maybe nothing I can do about it but it makes me feel a bit better to know that there's a reason for feeling low..even if it seems like a small thing to others, it can be huge to me. I'm glad you've confided in your friends, it does help to tell someone that there's a problem, I hope you can get an appointment with your GP tomorrow (might be worth asking for an emergency appointment) as it sounds like you need to speak to someone about this who can get you help. Hope you get some rest tonight xxx
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flobob
Senior Member
Posts: 357
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Post by flobob on Mar 26, 2009 4:48:56 GMT
Hello WG, do you really think I have a lot going on? I just feel that I'm being pathetic because these are not real problems.
Yes, I'm generally awake in the night with baby girl. Sometimes I do manage to go back to sleep. Obviously not tonight though! Caterina, I see you're posting in the night too? Are you having trouble sleeping as well?
Monica, I haven't dared look back at earlier recent posts. But I do generally only come on here when I am feeling low and need to clear my head, so that would explain why I haven't sounded so good. I do genuinely feel like this has happened just in the last month. Know I have had a few occasions since baby girl was born but they only lasted a day and never felt like depression because I could think through them. Now I can't think even.
Didn't get to docs yesterday because me and little boy both have diarrhoea - uck! But on the positive side, husband stayed home to help, which he wouldn't have done in the past.
Am feeling a lot better in my head though. And maybe the constant stomach ache and feeling sick had a real reason?
Back to bed ... cheers everyone.
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Post by caterina on Mar 27, 2009 1:05:00 GMT
Hi Flobob Hope you're feeling a bit better with your stomach bug now..maybe does explain away the sicky feeling. I agree with WG that you do have a lot going on and your problems are real. It's a shame you didn't get to your GP, do you think you'll go once you're feeling better? I'm on here at random times because I've been sleeping at weird times..I have a snooze in the evening to do a later feed with my DS then I sleep later in morning while hubby gets up..it's complicated but it means we get the sleep we need and I get peace in the night to come on here. How you doing today? xxx
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